What if Sarah Sanders and Ted Cruz had a lovechild?

I could probably be writing about something somewhat serious this morning, like Alabama’s disastrous abortion decision, but I just had another one of my silly notions. Besides, everybody’s going to be writing about Alabama today. If you’ve been following my blogs, you probably already know how I feel about it. I think it sucks, but another rant from yours truly won’t change anything today. It’s probably better if I write something kind of offbeat and disrespectful, although maybe that will get me into trouble. Seems like I can’t express myself without pissing someone off somewhere…

Last night, I read a news story about Ted Cruz warning about the threat of “space pirates”. Cruz was pushing Donald Trump’s Space Force, an “off planet extension of the U.S. military”. Now… I am not ignorant enough to believe there’s nothing out there in space. Space is larger than comprehension. It would be crazy to believe that Earth is the only place in the entire, vast universe where there’s some form of life. What we know of space is probably equivalent to a neighborhood block or even smaller. The mind kind of boggles to even try to conceive of how huge space is and what else might be living there.

I’m sure Mr. Cruz is not concerned with “space pirates” per se– that is, Star Wars style aliens who might blast us all off the planet (although we’re already doing a pretty good job of that on our own). I’m sure he’s concerned with other countries that have space programs, like Russia. He’s thinking about “interplanetary commerce”, but that will almost surely involve fellow earthlings and our concepts of money and power, which most of us know is what is really most important to Republicans, anyway. But I don’t want to get into Cruz’s comments about space pirates.

As I was looking at Ted Cruz’s picture, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She has the same kind of dark look Cruz has… dark hair, dark eyes, and a seemingly permanent expression that looks like she’s having a non-stop Maalox Moment. Seriously… they both often look like they have stomach cramps or diarrhea with those constant grimaces on their faces. If they did link up somehow, and Sanders did get pregnant with Cruz’s child, chances are she would be forced to birth. Think about what that kid would look like!

Pass the Rolaids. (photo is a screen grab)
Midol or Tums? What is wanted?
Maybe something like this?

I probably would look the same way if I had to pander to Donald Trump’s ever expanding ass every day. On the other hand, I’m sure a lovechild between Sanders and Cruz would give Americans a “Maalox Moment”.


To be sure, I don’t wish to body shame anyone. My comments are less about their bodies than their hilarious facial expressions, which almost always seem to be a mix of horror, disgust, and just the “dashiest dash” of bullshit. I’m sure that if we were to breed them, their offspring would have similarly interesting facial expressions that would beg for meme creations like this one…


Genetics are strange, though. For instance, I don’t look very much like my father at all. Or… maybe I do, just a little in the brow area. Basically, I’m a replica of my mom, but with blonde hair and blue eyes. My mom’s hair, like mine, is now naturally blonde. It used to be dark brown until she started coloring it red. She has green eyes.

Circa 2002. They made me.
Somewhat recent pic…
Mom and me in the mid 1970s. We were in England. One of my sisters once wondered if my mom conceived me with some other guy. That would have made me a “lovechild”. 23andMe confirms that I am, indeed, my dad’s daughter.

I have always been blonde, with the exception of a few years when I colored my hair red. I probably would have naturally had light brown hair if I hadn’t applied chemicals. But I was born a blonde and always thought of myself as a blonde… and it was weird when people said I had red hair for those years, because even then, I was mostly using blonde or light brown hair color and my hair was turning reddish on its own. My dad had black hair and either brown or hazel eyes. I think they were brown.

I don’t think Sanders and Cruz will be getting busy together anytime soon. Or, at least not in the “biblical sense”. They both seem more interested in kissing Trump’s ass than each other. That’s probably a good thing. I just wondered what their child would look like, if they had one. The facial expressions alone would be comedy gold. God knows, we could all use a laugh these days. If anyone thinks the idea of Sanders and Cruz making a baby is strange, consider that yesterday, I wondered what both Doc Baker of Little House on the Prairie and Judge Judy would look like mid orgasm, separately or together.