I woke up at 3:00am. Actually, my body thought it was 4:00am, because Germany changed the clocks to standard time over the course of the night. Also, Auntie Flow has finally shown up and, as is her annoying habit, she kept me going to the bathroom all night. Sorry… TMI I know, but that’s how I roll.

Anyway, because I was wide awake at 3:00/4:00am, I decided to go check out RfM, and that’s where I found this thread “How do I get laid? (Asperger)”. A guy calling himself Lafayette writes:

I don’t have a lot of experience with people who are neurodivergent or neuroatypical. Although I’m sure autism and Asperger Syndrome both existed when I was growing up, the first time I heard about them was about twenty years ago. Bill’s older daughter is supposedly on the autism spectrum, but I have only met her once, and to be honest, I have my doubts that she truly has autism. Her mother is not known for being particularly honest, and she has a habit of turning health conditions into causes. The point is, regardless of whether or not Bill’s daughter actually has autism, I don’t know her anyway, so she was not in a position to teach me. What little I know about autism and Asperger Syndrome comes from what some of my friends who have children on the spectrum have told me.

I do know that people with Asperger Syndrome tend to be very literal. They often don’t get sarcasm, and have trouble picking up on social cues. I can see why a man with Asperger Syndrome might have trouble “getting laid”, because he doesn’t understand how to play the courtship game, for lack of a better term. I’m sure that is very frustrating, although based on the way he posed his query, I wonder if he’s interested in anything beyond sex. Because most women I know aren’t interested in simply being made the object of someone’s sexual release, particularly for free. I also don’t know what it’s like to be a man, nor do I know what a man’s sex drive is like.

I enjoyed reading the thread about this guy’s problem, though. Ex Mormons are pretty good at coming up with witty responses. One person suggested starting a religion. Another suggested going to Brigham Young University after successfully completing a two year mission in an exotic place, majoring in business, pre-law, or pre-med, dating “homely” girls, and telling the girls that God has “directed” him to them. Alas, this advice sounds like it might be too “smooth” for a guy like the original poster. I don’t think he’s good at making up lies or stories to get himself in the sack. The one piece of bad advice given came from someone who suggested the guy look for a man. But why would someone suggest gay sex to someone who is heterosexual? Can’t follow the logic on that one.

Another guy provided a link to a list of brothels in Nevada, where prostitution is legal (it’s legal in Germany, too). I suppose if the need for sex is great enough, the guy can take a road trip to Nevada and find a willing professional to satisfy his urges. There are also licensed sex therapists out there who can help, although this guy doesn’t sound like he has a problem with having sex, per se. Sounds to me like he needs a willing partner and doesn’t know how to go about making the request without getting clocked in the face.

Still another person suggested opening a Tinder account. I have never used Tinder, but I have heard about it. I guess that’s sort of the latest “meet/meat” market for people interested in having sex.

One woman suggested that the guy find a female coach, willing to give him pointers on how to dress and what to say to make a woman take interest. That idea might be a good one, although I don’t know a lot of women who are interested in coaching random men on the art of getting laid… especially for free. Another female suggested finding a club with females who also have Asperger Syndrome and might understand the socially awkward gentleman’s plight.

There were some other tips given, too, including one very good piece of advice. A woman said, “I just want to add that men who are looking “to get laid” is very unattractive.” Another woman seconded that, and advised the man not to refer to having sex as “getting laid”. That seems to be a rather old school term for having sex, anyway. I remember the first time I heard it was back in 1985 or ’86. I was in the eighth grade, and one of my more “experienced” classmates with white blonde hair and a prematurely curvaceous figure told me that her boyfriend was going to “lay” her that night. At age thirteen, I had no idea what that meant, and I wouldn’t find out until a couple of years later. But by then, people were referring to “knocking boots”, “scromping”, or “shagging”, which now seem just as passe as “getting laid” does. I suppose it’s better than simply referring to it as fucking, though. I can just imagine the prelude to hooking up in that situation.

“Hey babe, I’d really like to fuck you.” he says.

She hauls off and smacks him across the face or hits him with pepper spray.

Or, “I really feel like getting laid.” he says.

She advises him to book at room at a Holiday Inn… ALONE.

In all seriousness, though, a man flatly asking a woman to “lay” him has all the romance, mystery, and charm of this pregnancy announcement…

I will admit that I was amused by this guy’s thread on the Recovery from Mormonism site. Although people can get kind of angry there, I have found that the exMos on Rfm are mostly a good natured, intelligent, and helpful bunch. And they did give this dude some good advice without ribbing him too much about asking for help with such a delicate matter. Not knowing much about Asperger Syndrome or autism, it would not have occurred to me that people who have these conditions might have trouble finding suitable romantic partners. As someone who waited until I was 30 years old before I had sex for the first time, I can attest that finding someone to love is difficult. I’m sure I could have easily found someone to fuck me, but that would not have been very satisfying for me. I’m glad I waited for Bill, but I know not everyone is like me. Some people seem to have a physical need to have sex, even if that’s all they want. People are different, and that’s what makes them so interesting.

Well, I wish this guy luck. I’m not sure if he’s looking for love, or just wants to “get laid”, as he put it. Although simply getting laid isn’t for me personally, I suppose there is nothing wrong with it, as long as everyone is consenting and thinks it’s a good use of their time. I’m assuming this man is also ex or current LDS, which probably makes his quest for poon all the more difficult. It’s likely that he lives in an area where there are a lot of Mormons who don’t put out, or he’s in an area where people will shy away because they don’t want to be proselytized. He may have his work cut out for him… although it’s been my experience that every old sock has an old shoe.