Now for something completely different…

Given what’s going on in the United States right now, it’s only natural that people feel the need to repeatedly comment on it. However, because so many people are commenting, it’s kind of like Facebook has turned into a tsunami of comments about COVID-19, racism, and riots… and just because I’m kind of a goofball with an odd sense of humor, I’ve decided that today’s post will be another one of my nonsensical short stories. This one is kind of by request. My friend Sara is a nurse who is working on the frontlines of COVID-19. She also happens to live in Minnesota. She was recently describing what it was like to have to wear PPE all day every day while on the job. I said it sounded kind of kinky. So Sara, this kinky story about PPE is for you. I hope it makes you chuckle. It’s completely tasteless and made up on the fly, so don’t blame me if it’s lame.

Sara sat at the nurse’s desk, head sheltered in plastic protective gear. She gazed tiredly at the computer screen, where her gloved fingers typed away at her notes on the latest patient to enter the unit. The man had been found wandering the streets of Minneapolis completely naked, except for his face mask, a long, blonde wig, and a cock ring. The mask he wore, made of orange naugahyde, bore an image of a gigantic large intestine on it. It clashed garishly with the pink cock ring encircled with feathers. The wig was platinum blonde, kind of akin to Barbie doll hair. But the man’s bushy black eyebrows and dark pubic hair gave away his secret.

Besides being a bit chilled by the nippy Minneapolis weather, the man got into trouble because the cock ring was cutting off his circulation. He was screaming in pain when someone finally called the paramedics to bring him to the emergency room. After a cursory check by the ER doctor who determined that the guy was not well mentally or physically, he landed on Sara’s unit to get help for his “unit”. Early the next morning, a microsurgeon would work his magic on the man’s magic wand.

Wearily, she typed his name on the record. It was Goat McCall. Yes, a naked man named Goat was admitted to a room on Sara’s unit. And now that the blood was flowing again, the man named Goat seemed only slightly less perturbed about being confined to a hospital bed. She had managed to get Mr. McCall into a gown… a special one that defied escape. It wasn’t unlike a straitjacket. She confiscated the platinum blonde wig. Mr. McCall refused to let Sara take his orange, naugahyde face mask, though. He claimed he didn’t feel safe without it. Not wanting to get into a fight with her latest patient, Sara shrugged and let him have his way.

Stealing a look at the clock, Sara typed faster. She had to have the record done in five minutes, or else she’d be penalized with another layer of personal protection equipment. Her supervisor, Nurse Ethel Echo, was a stickler about the rules. Sara had arrived to work that morning in just her usual scrubs, but every time she missed a deadline or made a mistake, Nurse Echo would levy another fine by way of forcing her to wear more oppressive PPE.

So far, Sara wore booties on her shoes, gloves on her hands, and a cumbersome face shield. She wasn’t yet wearing a face mask. That would come next if she missed her next deadline. But the face masks at Sara’s workplace weren’t your every day, average masks. Nurse Echo was sadistic and looked for ways to make the gear less comfortable and more kinky. Sara had never had to wear one of Nurse Echo’s kinky masks yet, but she’d heard from her colleagues that Nurse Echo had designed them to include penis like knobs. On the face, they looked very munch like your usual surgical masks, except for the sturdy rubber straps that caught in the nurses’ hair. Underneath, they were very effective gags.

Since Sara liked to talk and needed to be able to speak to do her job effectively, she wanted to avoid the mask. She knew that if she had to wear the mask, the rest of her night would be completely fucked. She’d never get her work done and would probably wind up spending the night in a “humane” restraint wrap. Nurse Echo liked to sentence her nurses to occasional nights in the restraint wraps to make them more empathetic to their patients.

“Almost done…” Sara muttered as she finished up the last part of her SOAP. As she tapped the last key, she looked up to see the stern, stodgy, elderly supervisor standing there. Nurse Echo held a riding crop in her meaty hand and shook her long, scraggly red hair. Sara giggled to herself. Her boss always reminded her of Sergeant Bertha Blast from the 80s era Popeye cartoons Sara had watched as a child. Sometimes, she wondered if Nurse Echo had a twin who had inspired the character.

“That was very close, Sara.” Nurse Echo said as she slapped the riding crop in her palm. She had a clipped British accent. “You need to work on your efficiency. I won’t tolerate any slackers on my unit.”

Resisting the urge to roll eyes, Sara smiled weakly at her boss and smoothed her plastic smock. A bead of sweat rolled down her face under the face shield. She took a deep breath, grateful that she could still do that unfettered. How in the hell had she wound up working at the kinkiest hospital in Minnesota, anyway? Oh yeah. She’d answered an ad in the newspaper. I’ll never make that mistake again, Sara thought to herself as she slammed a drawer shut and prepared to take Goat McCall’s vitals. So many times, she’d considered quitting this job and working somewhere else. But she had to admit, the money was good and the hours were decent, even if her bosses were a bit unconventional.

“Have you checked the bedpan in room 435?” Nurse Echo nagged as Sara picked up her stethoscope. “I notice a strange smell coming from there. You remember what I told you about shunting the less pleasant work to your colleagues.”

“I haven’t had time yet, Nurse Echo.” Sara said crossly. Man, that woman got on her fucking nerves.

“You know what that means.” Nurse Echo chided as she headed for the dreaded PPE cabinet.

“Oh man… can’t you give me a break? I’ve been working like a dog today.” Sara whined.

“You know the rules.” Nurse Echo said sternly. “I suggest you cooperate or else I’ll throw in a helmet.”

“Dammit!” Sara snapped as her boss handed her a mask. Unlike the usual medical style masks people were wearing, Nurse Echo’s masks had two thick rubber straps that made the mask less comfortable, but much more secure.

“You have thirty seconds to put on the mask, Sara.” Nurse Echo said, her eyes steely.

She’s such a bitch… Sara thought to herself as she expertly put on the face mask gag. The heavy rubber gloves she wore made it difficult to fasten the straps, but the boss was still standing there, tapping her foot and looking at her watch.

“Ten seconds.” Nurse Echo warned as Sara fumbled with the buckles.

“Mmmmph.” Sara grunted.

“Excellent. Now see to that bedpan immediately.” Nurse Echo snapped. “I’ll check on Mr. McCall.”

Sara trudged off into the room where the funky bedpan was. The patient who had befouled the bedpan was not in the room. Mrs. Milton, whose bowels could put a bovine to shame, had been transferred to a specialty unit. But the remnants of her brief stay on Sara’s unit had definitely left a memorable impression. Sara considered putting a bit of ammonia in her nostrils just to neutralize the stench a bit. But then she decided she just wanted to get the job done and hope she didn’t pass out from the smell.

It took a few minutes to take care of the bedpan. After she was finished cleaning it, Sara felt a lot better. Yes, the face mask was a bit oppressive and the penis like knob tasted terrible, but she found that not being able to speak made her more efficient. Besides, she was now in such a mood that she doubted anyone would want to hear what she had to say, anyway.

If I can just get through the last hour of this shift, I’ll be home free… Sara thought to herself.

“SARA!” Nurse Echo barked. “Get over here this instant!”

“Mmmmph.” Sara grunted as she rushed to her boss’s side.

“Mr. McCall’s medications are late.” Nurse Echo said. “You know what that means.”

Oh no… Sara silently groaned.

“Go get the helmet.” Nurse Echo ordered.

Sara hated the helmet. It was hot, heavy, and obstructed her hearing and peripheral vision. The nurses were only supposed to wear them in unusual cases when they were dealing with highly infectious patients, but Nurse Echo liked to use them as punishment. She’d force her nurses to wear them when they were having bad days.

Man… I wish I could quit this job. Sara thought, chewing on the gag as she slipped the heavy helmet on her head and fastened the strap. But even if the money and hours weren’t excellent, Sara couldn’t quit her job. Working at this hospital was kind of like checking into the Hotel California. She could never leave, no matter how many times she quit working.

“Keep it up, Sara, and I’ll add the music.” Nurse Echo warned.

Oh gawd, no… Sarah moaned. The helmet had a built in music function that would play elevator Muzak. It would effectively cut off Sara’s ability to hear as it also drove her crazy. The Muzak used was the worst kind– softened versions of pop acts from the 70s and 80s played by cheap, tacky orchestras. It was enough to drive a person mad! She knew that if Nurse Echo tortured her with the music, she’d finish her shift with a four alarm headache and a need for a stiff cocktail.

“Mr. McCall is still waiting for his meds. See if you can get him to take off that mask. It’s filthy and clashes.” Nurse Echo said, her voice even louder within the confines of the padded helmet. The helmet had an annoying intercom feature making it impossible to tune out her boss, but canceling out most other sounds… except of course, the Muzak, which her boss hadn’t yet turned on. She knew it was only a matter of time, though. Nurse Echo loved to harass people who were under her command.

Sara got the medications for Mr. McCall. He was looking forlorn in his hospital gown, mouth still covered by the orange naugahyde mask. She couldn’t speak to the man, so she simply nodded at him and handed him the pills and some water.

Mr. McCall sighed as he peeled off the mask. Sara went to take the mask from his hand, but he had it in a death grip. Unable to explain why she needed to take the mask away, Sara watched as he took the pills, satisfied in knowing that one of them was a sleep aid. When he dropped off to sleep, then she could steal the mask and throw it into the incinerator. Sara took a perverse delight in throwing away things that were gross, like old, grimy face masks. But she also knew Nurse Echo would be angry at her for not removing the mask when she’d asked her to… and that would mean the dreaded Muzak therapy.

“Where is my cock ring?” Goat McCall asked.

Unable to answer, Sara simply shrugged and gave the man a little wave. In about ten minutes, she was sure he’d be sleeping and she could take away his mask. Meanwhile, the first annoying strains of the canned music were flooding the helmet. Obviously, Nurse Echo had been watching Sara on the closed circuit camera.

This last hour can’t end soon enough, Sara thought to herself. She cringed as a Muzak version of “Muskrat Love” started playing. (side note: I searched YouTube to see if I could find a Muzak version of “Muskrat Love” and was shocked to find that someone else must have also searched for it. Unfortunately, my search was fruitless.) So here’s a Muzak version of “Beat It”, followed by a horribly cringeworthy version of “Every Breath You Take”.

When will this shift end… Sara groaned. Nurse Echo would probably break out the HAZMAT suit next, only it was made of latex. Sara had a latex allergy, but that didn’t matter to her sadistic boss, who was already dreaming up new ways to make life worse for her.

But Nurse Echo had a surprise for Sara. “I’ve got good news, Sara.” Nurse Echo said. “You’re getting off early today.”

“Mmmmph?” Sara mewled as saliva ran down her face.

“Yes… because I think you need a rest.” Nurse Echo said with a smile. “A little empathy lesson.”

Oh no… Sara thought to herself, casting her eyes at the on call room. That was where the restraint wrap was. But at least she could take off the rest of the PPE, right?

Nope.

To be continued? Maybe…