condescending twatbags, narcissists, Twitter

The onerous burden of raising a 31 year old “child”…

I’m just curious. At what age do most people consider their offspring “grown” and “raised”? I know my own parents could not wait for me to be an adult. I started cleaning stalls to help pay for my pony when I was twelve years old. I also used to provide my own transportation, riding my bike the few miles back and forth to work in the barn and take care of the pony I started leasing when I was twelve. Two years later, my parents bought for me the pony I was leasing. I later found out my mom wanted to buy the pony to keep me too busy to get pregnant. (Long story… there was never a risk of my getting pregnant, but we lived in a rural county in southern Virginia, and I have an older sister who dated a lot as a teen).

Me and Rusty, back when I was a teen, and my mom couldn’t wait for me to be grown and flown. Rusty was the cause of my very first work experience.

Starting from when I was fourteen, my mom pressured me to find a part time job, which, at that age, was mostly illegal in my state without a work permit. I got my first paying job three months before my sixteenth birthday. When I was eighteen, I went to college, and yes, my parents helped me financially, but I was free to make my own decisions, for the most part. I was considered an adult and treated accordingly. My parents encouraged me to move out of the house. I did have to make a couple of boomerangs back to my parents’ house as a young adult, but finally left for good when it was time to attend graduate school and become the overeducated housewife I was so clearly meant to be. 😉

Contrast my experience with some very recent tweets by Ex, who has five offspring, ranging from 34 to 15 years of age. Apparently, even though four out of five of her kids are literally legal adults, she’s claiming she’s still “raising” three autistic “children”, and they are keeping her from fulfilling her own dreams for herself. Evidently, these “children” require her to grin and bear her lot in life, with “joy” in her heart, even though she “want[s] to LIVE”. But she had her first “autistic child” with Bill in 1991. The other two, she chose to have with #3, even though she had lamented to Bill how difficult pregnancy was for her. She must have known that raising children is an expensive challenge, even when autism isn’t in the mix. It’s not her children’s fault that she’s not able to “LIVE” in the manner to which she thinks she’s entitled.

These three below posts were tweeted within hours of each other. Notice how Ex refers to raising three “autistic children” and seems to blame them for her inability to fulfill her “dream” of visiting Scotland. I am aware that Bill did his part to prevent her from being so burdened by those last two “autistic children”, as he willingly had a vasectomy to spare her the fate she’s dealing with now. But then she divorced him and remarried, and had two kids with her latest husband, #3.

Evidently, those two kids have autism, too… although we have never heard from anyone that Ex’s youngest daughter with #3 is so dysfunctional that she needs to be regarded as “childlike”. We HAVE heard that she’s kind of spoiled and unhelpful. Bill’s younger daughter has said that she and older daughter did pretty much all of the housework and cooking when she was still living in the house with Ex. Youngest daughter supposedly wasn’t one to voluntarily help out, and Ex allegedly never required that of her. As we all know, doing everything for one’s kids is one way to keep them from being independent. But we haven’t heard that youngest daughter by #3 is unable to function on her own, strictly because she has autism.

If I felt particularly charitable toward her, I might be able to give Ex a pass for claiming to still be “raising” her youngest daughter, who somewhat recently turned 19. However, she makes it sound like they are literally “children”, even though none of them could reasonably still be called children based on their ages. I happen to know for a fact that the eldest “autistic child” is 31 years old. She has a college degree, goes on dates, has worked for a florist, taught arts and crafts classes, makes jewelry and other artistic creations, and does most of the heavy lifting raising Ex’s youngest “child”, who will be 16 in a few months.

Now, from what we’ve heard, the youngest will probably not be able to live on his own, but older daughter and youngest daughter by #3, are not so debilitated. In fact, Bill’s younger daughter– one of the “grown” ones at age 28– has told us that older daughter is very productive on many levels, and always has been. She certainly doesn’t require “raising” by her mother anymore.

Ex’s youngest daughter reportedly goes to college, and, according to Ex’s recent Twitter pleas to Mark Hamill and others, has aspirations to be an actor. I don’t know how realistic that goal is. We were told, when younger daughter and ex stepson were much younger, that they wanted to be actors, too. I think that may actually be Ex’s goal for them, and not their own goals. Even now, she often tweets about how she’d like her daughter (not sure which one) to marry Keanu Reeves. Below is a quote from Ex’s Instagram in 2021, after she posted a photo of her youngest daughter dressed for the prom:

My baby girl going off to Prom. Cannot believe she is 18. She’s off to college in a couple of months. Wow, just wow. ❤️❤️❤️👩‍🎓🥰 

Does that sound like someone who is still being “raised” by her hapless 55 year old mom? Even if college hasn’t worked out for her and she’s moved back home, she was still functional enough to consider going, wasn’t she? It does not sound like she still needs to be “raised”. She could probably get a job, go to school, or– perish the thought– find someone with whom to have a romantic relationship. Prom, by the way, was an experience denied to Bill’s daughters. They were forced to drop out of high school and get GEDs, so Ex could sponge off their student loans.

One thing I have noticed about Ex is that she is very fixated on celebrities, particularly authors and actors who write and perform in romantic fantasies or science fiction. She is a big Star Wars fan, for instance. She likes novels that are based in fantasy, and seems to go a bit “Annie Wilkes” on some of the stuff she reads. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying works of fiction and fantasy. That is what keeps life bearable for some people. Being able to escape to a fantasy world is a blessing when your reality is a living hell. I don’t know what Ex’s life is like now, but I have heard that her childhood was legitimately nightmarish. I got this information from Bill, who actually knew her adoptive parents and her rapey stepfather. However, since she’s an adult, if her life is not good now, that’s her own fault.

Ex made some unfortunate choices, based on selfishness, lack of discipline, and a dearth of common sense. So now, she has to envy people who go to Scotland, and complain about how expensive it is to “raise three autistic children”… two of whom are legal adults and probably fully capable of not living with her anymore, draining her energy and resources. Of course, Ex doesn’t want her kids to move out. They provide supply to her, do her chores, and give her a reason for being. She might be willing to let her youngest daughter go her own way, but older daughter is the “stay at home” daughter. Ex counts on older daughter to take care of her youngest kid, the one with truly debilitating autism, and will no doubt expect older daughter to wipe her ass for her when she’s old and decrepit. Ex has somehow convinced older daughter that she’s incapable of living on her own.

I have only met Bill’s daughters in person one time. I distinctly remember the very first thing that girl– then almost twelve years old– said to me. She actually APOLOGIZED to me for her “strange” personality. She tried to explain to me that she has trouble meeting new people. When I told her that it was okay, and we didn’t have to get to know each other in one day, she immediately relaxed and asked me if I thought it was strange that she had a crush on Harry Potter! I can’t help but think she was taught to think of herself as defective and weird, and unable to get along in the world. And when I compare that impression with what reportedly happened when younger daughter decided to leave home at 18, I realize that all of those kids got the message that they can’t function on their own. But the reality is, Ex can’t function on her own. She has parentified the children, and convinced at least one of them that she needs them… and that they will forever need her.

Isn’t it interesting that Ex refers to her three “autistic children”, but then mentions her two “grown” children? I guess she means the ones who supposedly don’t have autism? Does autism make someone forever a “child”? I honestly don’t know. I don’t have much experience with the disorder, or know too many people who have it or are raising children with it. Ex says that raising autistic children is “expensive”. Well, so is raising “normal” children. God knows, Bill and I had some lean early days, when he was sending her half his paycheck and #3 was staying at home, playing video games. Now, #3 works, and Ex stays home to “raise” her last kid, as she tweets, comes up with unsuccessful crowdfunding campaigns, complains about being broke, and moans about not being able to find or buy signed books by actors she admires. It’s crazy. She certainly had the time and experience to know that raising kids is expensive before she made the choice to have two more.

I have noticed that there are some things with which I agree with Ex. For instance, she has posted about how she doesn’t think Supreme Court Justices should have lifetime appointments. I agree with that. And she has posted some rather “woke” platitudes about kindness, education, not being racist, and politics. I do know that she wasn’t always so liberal. Her opinions seem to change with the winds… or perhaps as she finds people to emulate, to whom she can falsely attribute her own characteristics. On the surface, I might like and agree with her. But again… looking beneath the surface, there’s a hotbed of lies, nonsense, neediness, entitlement, and craziness. Exposure to her is one reason why reading Tom Bower’s book about Meghan Markle set off so many alarm bells for me. If even half of what he’s written about her behavior is true, she is definitely very difficult. These types of people seem to follow a playbook. I don’t even know if they are aware of what they do. But if you’ve been around them, you can easily spot them. It’s like narcissistic radar. And these folks thrive in secrecy, counting on people not to spill tea about them. If more people were emboldened to tell the truth, maybe there would be less abuse.

Well… I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I don’t pity the ex. I pity her children… who are not actually children, but having them be children, even when they are clearly mostly competent adults, suits Ex’s narrative. I hope that the ones who are capable of going out on their own will eventually achieve it. They deserve to live their own lives. And Ex… well… I think she just needs to get a life, and quit using her ADULT children to promote her own selfish agendas. But unlike Ex, I know that my opinion and a nickel will get us nowhere.

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6 thoughts on “The onerous burden of raising a 31 year old “child”…

  1. Being the parent of a young adult on the autism spectrum, I can tell you that in some ways they will need care their whole life. Danny functions well and holds a job at McD’s but he has a hard time advocating for himself and is afraid of making decisions for himself. I am his guardian, and I try to help him make his own decisions rather than making all of them for him. We will probably have to take care of him the rest of his life, or at least provide guidance. There may be a point where we need him as much as he needs us, but we’ve already planned that our older son will be in charge of him once we’re gone, even though one of the sisters knows more about his needs (they just grate on each other too much for it to work). He refuses to learn to drive, which is a problem in a rural area with no mass transit. Even in an area that had mass transit, I’d be worried about him being a target. So yes, people on the spectrum do often need some guidance throughout their lives.

    The ex, though, sounds like she prefers them dependent on her and doesn’t even try to bolster their confidence to make their own decisions. They would probably be better off in group homes away from her, but that will never happen.

    • I have no doubt that a lot of people on the autism spectrum need help their whole lives. However, I have my doubts that older daughter and Ex’s daughter with #3 actually have autism to the point at which she claims. Older daughter was reportedly not diagnosed until she was an adult, probably around the time Ex determined that she obviously needed to have her son evaluated. I suspect she discovered there was aid to exploit for children who have autism, so she found someone to label the other two “kids”.

      This is a woman who complained to Bill’s younger daughter about purchasing necessary shoe inserts for her, because they were *so* expensive. She could have gotten help from Bill, as his daughters were fully insured through Tricare. And yet, she couldn’t be bothered to speak to him or work with him regarding their care.

      I also realize that not everyone with autism functions the same or has the same issues. Her youngest kid is clearly less likely to ever be on his own, and he probably should have been placed in a group home a long time ago, especially since she has stated in her crowdfunding campaigns that he escapes the house, sometimes without pants! However, she has her supposedly disabled adult child, aged 31, raising him, while she whines about not being able to visit Scotland or buy signed books by her favorite actor.

      Older daughter doesn’t drive. I don’t know why she doesn’t. Like you, they live in New Hampshire. I don’t know how accessible mass transit is where they live, or even if she works. I know she *has* worked in the past, though, even far from home in Arizona, where her brother arranged for her to teach art classes. She also had an internship at an art museum in Boston, from what we’ve heard.

      Ex is simply a manipulative hot mess and quite full of shit. I think the best thing that could happen to her youngest kid is if he gets taken into a group home where he can get proper care and supervision.

      • Oh yes, I know. I was just responding about your comment of not knowing how it was with people who are on the autism spectrum. Again, it’s a spectrum and there’s a very wide range of abilities. New Hampshire does not have much mass transit anywhere, unfortunately. Most of it is about getting to Boston, so that could be why the internship might have worked. I think one time I looked when you mentioned her and she is in Keene or Somersworth but I’m not sure.

  2. In the current special needs lexicon, it’s not especially PC to refer to an adult with autism as a “child.” We all know or at least know of individuals with severe autism who will never possess the respective skill sets to live independently. Others will, as Patti Aliventi so clearly illustrated, always require guidance. Such does not make them “children” in any sense.

    In cases of pure extreme cognitive deficit, sometimes the disability is so profound that the individual functions, for all practical purposes, as a child. Determining the true intelligence of a significantly autistic person, however, is, in most cases, not something that can be accomplished with any degree of reliability. Is the person truly cognitively deficient,or does he or she merely lack the ability to access theexpectations required in standard batteries that would provide evidence one way or another? IQ scores are often given and the results included on profiles and reports of individuals with siginificant autism, though typically the scores appear along with asterisks noting the degree to which the results must be interpreted with caution.

    Then there’s the whole issue of comorbidity. Individuals with autism are not magically protected from other causes of cognitive disability. Comorbid conditions are sometimes more difficult to verify in individuals with autism, but they occur. When an individual with autism also exhibits clearly low overall cognitive function independent of characteristics of autism, it’s more understandable that a parent might think of and refer to the individual as a “child.” Ex has said, however, that her autistic son is “brilliant.” (There’s also the added conundrum of traumatic brain injury characteristics often paralleling features of autism, but that’s another matter entirely.)

    Where ex’s supposedly autistic daughters are concerned, if one can go away to college with no major accommodations (I don’t know for a fact that daughter #3 has no major accommodations, though), she’s not functioning as a child. By the same token, if a young woman can rightfully be trusted to supervise a severely autistic large teen male, SHE’s not functioning as a child. Furthermore, I’m guessing that the [realor imagined] existence of autism of these young women offered far more financial assets than liabilities to their mother.

    Finally, I will say without reservation that ANYONE who is sufficiently aggressive and resourceful in pursuit of such a diagnosis can ultimately find a practitioner willing to provide a diagnosis of autism for his or her child, or even for himself/herself.

    • Right. I suspect that when she had her son evaluated, she was told there were benefits she could access. Then, she got the bright idea to have older daughter evaluated, since all her life, she had been “difficult” (according to Ex) and had trouble learning things. I remember one time, early in my relationship with Bill, Ex made some comment about how older daughter was dumb and would probably be failing a grade… or something along those lines. She’d added, “I just don’t know what I’m going to do with her.”

      As for the other daughter, again, we have never heard of her having any specific “problems”, other than being spoiled, not wanting to help out, and not listening to anyone in charge. She is the one somewhat normal kid whose father didn’t get divorced, so I suspect she’s kind of the Golden Child. I admit that I don’t know a lot about her, though, so I have no idea if she needed any accommodations. Older daughter probably did, but Ex never bothered to get her evaluated when she was a child in school. She reportedly has dyslexia, but is brilliant with numbers and colors, and can function normally if she has things to read on colored paper. I have read her writing, and she writes like someone who has normal cognitive functioning.

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