Good morning, all. I’ve been awake since about 3:00 am. Bill is on another business trip, and I’m alone here with Noyzi and Arran. Arran woke up at 3:00, needing to pee. Prednisolone makes him have to go to the bathroom a lot. Poor guy didn’t even make it to the grass before he was cocking his leg. When we came back inside, he wanted food. Prednisolone also makes him hungry. I gave him a little snack, and we went back to bed. I tried to sleep and got close to falling into slumber, but then he’d wake me up again. At 5:30, he jumped off the bed, and ran downstairs, demanding his breakfast.

I must say that chemo has affected Arran in a mostly positive way. As long as it keeps him going until Bill can be home again, I don’t mind the side effects. Arran obviously feels a lot better, and that’s what matters to me.

So now to delve into today’s topic. I want to write about the so-called “false self”. You know what that is, right? That’s the fake veneer narcissistic people put on in an effort to fool people into not seeing them for who they really are. If you watch any of the best YouTube narcissism channels, you will hear that term brought up a lot– the “false self”. Basically, it refers to a thick layer of bullshit meant to mislead the masses into thinking the narcissist is a decent person.

Donald Trump is pretty good at creating a false self that fools people. Or, at least he used to be. Lately, as he stares down multiple legal challenges, he seems to be more and more deranged and unhinged. But he says a lot of things… makes a lot of promises. For some reason, many people still believe him, even though he lies constantly, and has a long history of not honoring his promises. Like most narcissists, Trump has a certain charm. He says what some people want to hear, and speaks in a way that doesn’t come across as weak or “woke”. Some people respond to that the way Pavlov’s dogs responded to the sound of the bell.

The crazy thing is, Donald Trump has completely fucked up the Republican Party. The sensible Republicans are being punished for his fuckery. People are now voting blue, not because they agree with Democrats, but because Trump is an autocratic psycho who wants to be a dictator. But a lot of people are blinded by his charisma, and they refuse to see what is plainly in front of their own faces. I don’t understand how people think Trump will do anything for them. He has never done anything for anyone but HIMSELF. And all you have to do is see what he does instead of listening to what he says. What he says is 100 percent the false self at work. He’s not a reliable reporter on his own work.

On a much smaller scale, you can easily see rank and file, garden variety narcissists presenting a false self. I see Ex doing it all the time on Twitter. Watch her on social media, and you’ll see her posting all sorts of crap that is surprisingly “woke” and progressive. It’s almost as if she’s a different person than she was twenty years ago, when I first became aware of her existence, or thirty years ago, when she was married to my husband. If I were to assess her based only on her Twitter posts, I might think she was a rising star in the woke brigade. But because I know a lot more about her than what she presents, I know that she’s presenting a false self. I don’t know her reasons for doing this, to be honest. She seems determined to reach out to perfect strangers and celebrities, the vast majority of whom she will never meet in person. But to people who know her offline, she’s completely different. Or, at least she’s different to the people who have an intimate relationship to her.

Below are two very recent tweets by Ex…

Next, she tweets to her favorite author, apparently “crushed” that she didn’t get to meet her in a major US city close to where she lives:

Wait wait wait… Diana was in …? Oh Damn, how am I so far out of the loop! I’m only four hours away and I’d have been there had I known!!!

Diana, do you have a newsletter or something to which I may subscribe????

And here, she claims to “believe the best about people”. But she called up my mother-in-law at Christmas, as Bill was on his way to stay with her, and told her to think twice about letting him in her house, because she claimed Bill was “dangerous”. She told Bill’s stepmother that he’s a violent pervert who hates women. She told Bill’s kids that he had an affair with me, and that he abandoned them for me. None of that is even remotely true. But to read what she puts out to the masses, you’d think she was the most decent person in New England. Watch what she does, though… don’t listen to what she says or believe what she posts. Her words are mostly lies.

And finally, she posted to a doctor who was tweeting about a child who was sexually abused. Ex wrote this, which I think probably is the truth:

Did they make an arrest? This story is my story. I need to know. My assault was reported to my mother by me and she didn’t believe me. He went free and I was beaten for lying. Please tell me that they made an arrest in your case?

I do believe Ex was abused. She isn’t lying about that. But when she discovered that abuse eventually happened in her house, to her own daughters, she didn’t do anything but stop the car and scream at the perpetrator. Then, some time later, when he thought it had blown over somewhat, she brought up the abuse out of the blue, saying she should have left him on the side of the road. She never told Bill what had happened on her watch. She didn’t think of her daughters’ safety. She knew that if she told Bill what happened, he would take steps to protect his daughters. But her need for control and presenting that facade of being “awesome” was more important than being a good mother and getting help for her kids.

I’m not saying that wasn’t a difficult situation for her to deal with. It was. But she’s constantly behaving as if she’s the most functional person alive. And we know she’s far from being functional. To me, it’s fascinating to watch. I don’t understand narcissism. I know it when I see it, but I don’t understand it. All I can think is that narcissists are basically black holes of people. They are never fulfilled or satisfied. And they can’t share or be truly authentic. It must be a really miserable way to live.

I know… she really isn’t a threat to me anymore. I should probably just move on with my life. Except she has made it plain that she doesn’t ever completely let people go. Aside from that, I find her very interesting to observe. She’s a fascinating character, especially if you know the truth. And given that it’s October, it’s only fitting. This is the spookiest month of the year, right?