Category Archives: LDS

Bill, family, funny stories, LDS, memories, narcissists, nostalgia, Virginia

Spend some money on yourself… it’ll be good for you!

Yesterday was an interesting day. After I posted yesterday’s YouTube related blog rant, I dozed off for a short while. When I woke up, I suddenly thought about a woman I knew of when I was in college. She may or may not appreciate me using her real name in my blog post, but I’m going to do it, because she’s somewhat famous in certain circles and could be considered a public figure. And, as I found out yesterday, she’s currently trending.

Her name is Cullen Johnson Hill. I know of her because we both went to Longwood College (now Longwood University), and she won the Miss Longwood pageant when we were students there. I didn’t know her personally, but she knew some of my friends. After Cullen graduated from Longwood, she went on to win the 1994 Miss Virginia title. She competed in the 1995 Miss America pageant and was the first runner up. I distinctly remember watching Cullen on national television in September 1994. It was at a time when I still didn’t mind watching beauty pageants. I used to think they were kind of fascinating. I especially loved Miss Universe, since the contestants came from all over the world. I thought the international contestants were fascinating; especially the ones who needed interpreters.

The moment of truth…

I was sad that Cullen didn’t win the Miss America title, because naturally, I was rooting for Miss Virginia and a fellow Longwood alum. But I can also understand why Heather Whitestone won the title. Not only was Heather very beautiful, but she’s also deaf. Whitestone was the very first Miss America with a disability. She was also able to perform a beautiful dance solo, in spite of her disability. So, I do think Heather was the right choice for Miss America that year, but I also think Cullen would have been a wonderful Miss America. She really had the look for it, as well as grace and poise.

Time went on. The following year, I wasn’t able to watch the pageant, because I was living in Armenia, working with the Peace Corps. I never really forgot about Cullen, though, and every once in awhile I’d wonder how she was doing. I saw old newspaper articles about her pageant career, including one in which she mentioned a “halo effect” in which people who overcome the biggest obstacles win. It was not a very politically correct observation, although I personally believe there’s a lot of truth in it. This link doesn’t lead to the offending newspaper article, but Cullen’s comment rankled enough that she was mentioned in a SF Gate op-ed.

So anyway, for some strange reason yesterday afternoon, I randomly thought about Cullen. And because I have a lot of time on my hands, I Googled. And there it was… posted on EOnline, December 5, 2023. Cullen had uploaded a rather shocking TikTok video about her struggles with alcoholism. Fresh from a thirty day jail stint, sporting a black eye, and looking unrecognizable from the beautiful woman I remembered from my college days, Cullen was telling everyone like it is for her. She says she’s been an alcoholic since she was 24 years old, and is now on a journey back to sobriety. She says she’s been there before, and it’s “wonderful”. And she’s lucky enough to have a husband and a son who love her very much.

I see that some rather sketchy “media” outlets have picked up Cullen’s story. The TikTok video has been reposted on YouTube by fake news channels that use AI to generate ad revenue. I saw at least one TikTok user reacting to Cullen’s video. I shared the EOnline story on Facebook, because I know some of my friends know Cullen. One friend in particular is a true friend of hers, describing her as a very sweet person. She said she hoped Cullen can restore her health.

I’m not going to throw any shade at Cullen, because honestly, but by the grace of God, I could have easily gone the same way. Like me, Cullen grew up a military brat. Her father, Jay Johnson, was a very high ranking Naval officer, and after he retired, he continued his very successful career in the business world. Johnson had the distinction of taking over the Chief of Naval Operations job from Jeremy “Mike” Boorda, who had a memorable exit from the role when he committed suicide over being accused of “stolen valor”. I don’t know Cullen’s father, but I have been around military folks my entire life, including the high ranking. I imagine she was under tremendous pressure to look and behave in the “right” ways. Alcoholism is a family disease, and it thrives on secrecy and image protection.

I know I could be wrong… and God knows, it’s not easy to live with people who suffer from addiction. But I also know, having grown up with an alcoholic father, that the addiction usually comes from somewhere very painful. Substance abuse is often less about having a good time, and more about trying to dull significant pain through self-medication. My father was himself the son of an alcoholic. My grandfather was described as a great guy when he wasn’t drinking, but when he drank, he became violent and abusive. My dad was only occasionally violent; he was a high functioning alcoholic. But that didn’t make him easy to live with. He and I didn’t have a very good relationship, although I did love him.

On her TikTok video, Cullen wrote in the comments that she doesn’t speak to her father anymore. She also mentions finding her mother passed out once, when she was very young… Again, as a fellow child of an alcoholic, I can relate to that, too. I found my dad passed out more than once. There were a couple of times when he tried to work with fire while he was very drunk. Once, he tried to grill a steak and forgot about it on the grill… My mom, who didn’t know how to use the grill, had me bring the charred piece of meat into the house and leave it in the sink for him to find. Seeing the burned steak had no effect on his behavior. Another time, he tried to burn trash and brush in our backyard while he was drinking. He forgot about the fire and it almost torched his business.

Anyway, seeing Cullen’s TikTok video was a mindblower. I wish Cullen all the best as she recovers. I think she’s very brave to share her story, and I hope she doesn’t encounter too many trolls. My heart goes out to her… and I appreciate that she still has a sense of humor, which she showed in the TikTok video. She did make a less than politically correct comment in the video, and I know some people will drag her for that. I’m not going to, though, because as I mentioned yesterday, I’m not into cancel culture– especially over comments that are simply deemed not “PC”.

While I certainly don’t condone drunk driving, or the fact that Cullen was in jail because she got caught doing that a second time, I also know that alcoholism and other addictions really are diseases. It’s not as simple as just quitting drinking or using drugs. Conquering addiction is a lifelong process that requires strength and diligence. And just like people who have cancer or heart disease sometimes relapse, so do people with addictions.

Which brings me to the title of today’s post…

I remembered mentioning Cullen on my old Blogspot version of The Overeducated Housewife. I went there this morning to see what I wrote. I found the post from September 16, 2013, in which I wrote about how I preferred to watch The Miss America Pageant instead of The Big Lebowski. Bill loves The Big Lebowski, but I am not a fan of that film. I’ve tried to watch it more than once, but I don’t like it. Believe it or not, I don’t like it because of all the swearing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind curse words, but I don’t like listening to a two hour stream of them. I also mentioned that Donald Trump had made the pageants unwatchable. That was in 2013– before we knew how he’d make the office of POTUS an international joke. I only mentioned Cullen by name in passing on that post, and made an unnamed reference to her on an earlier post, and apparently never posted about her again.

I clicked on the previous day’s post, which was titled “Things Bill does now that he never did when he was LDS…” In that post, I wrote about all the fun stuff Bill does now that he didn’t do when he was a Mormon. I made an actual list, and some of the stuff was pretty epic. Then, at the end of the post, I wrote about how I once had to order Bill to buy himself some new undershorts. Thanks to life with Ex, he wasn’t in the habit of spending money on himself… even on true necessities like underwear. Below is the excerpt about when I made Bill buy new skivvies…

Now, for the underwear story… When we first got married, we were pretty broke.  Bill had purchased some cheap knit boxer shorts from KMart.  I was sitting on our bed when he walked into the room.  The boxers he was wearing were not quite large enough to cover him.  I turned around and was just about eye level with his penis, which was poking out of the hole in the front of the boxers.  I gasped and blushed in surprise and covered my eyes, then said “For God’s sake, cover yourself!”

He blushed.  I wasn’t used to seeing a naked man and wasn’t expecting to see that…  Oddly enough, his ex wife declared me “unsuitable” and a “bad influence” for not being Mormon.  Apparently, I’m not moral, even though the sight of my husband’s penis was a shock to me when we first got married.

I then declared that we were going underwear shopping.  The first thing he was going to do was purchase some decent boxer shorts that he liked and that fit him properly.  It was stark contrast to his ex wife’s style, which was to tell him he should be spending all his money on his family or the church instead of his own basic needs.  She would have begrudged him even purchasing decent underwear… because as a Mormon, he should be wearing church approved skivvies anyway.

I later told my Granny the underwear story.  She was in her late 90s at the time and thought it was hysterical.  She was the mother of nine, so I’m sure such a sight would not have made her blush.

…Some people might say that Bill gave up pleasures of the next life for pleasures in this one…  Somehow, I feel like if there is a next life, the same admonishment might come into play.  Some higher evolved being would tell Bill not to enjoy life now because it will ruin the “next life”.  Is there something beyond this life?  I don’t know.  Bill “knows” more than I do, since he has had a near death experience.  Was it just his brain protecting him?  I don’t know.  But it changed who he is and made him more spiritual, despite all he’s been through.  It has helped keep him from becoming bitter and angry. 

It sure has been fun watching him enjoy living and helping him discover new things.  

Well… yesterday was Bill’s younger daughter’s birthday. I sent her a Jacquie Lawson e-card and a $200 gift card that can be used at a variety of places. I told her I hoped she’d use the gift card on herself. But I also know, since she’s Bill’s daughter, that she might not do that. She’s a very kind and generous person, like Bill is. She’s about to be a mother of four, and she was raised by her mother not to be “selfish” and think of her own needs, even though her mother very selfishly refused to share younger daughter and her sister with their father.

I’m sure Ex would be very angry if she knew I had given her daughter such a generous gift. She’d probably accuse me of “horning in”, or whatever, or trying to “buy” younger daughter’s affections. I’ve only met younger daughter in person ONCE in my lifetime. But I’ve gotten to know her online, and I’m relieved that she’s like Bill. And since she’s like Bill, my guess is that her needs tend to come last. I truly do hope she will use that gift card to get herself something she really wants or needs. Self-care is good for the soul.

Well, that about does it for today. We’re going to a Christmas party tonight… and taking a cab. 😉 I’ve got to get my dreaded Thursday chores done before that happens.

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communication, condescending twatbags, LDS, overly helpful people, songs

“You feel lots of rage. That means you’re right. Congratulations.”

You might say today’s post is a continuation of the one I wrote on Monday. I probably shouldn’t write this, because no one seems interested in the post that is parenting it. But I’m not known for having the ability to let things go. 😉

As I was sitting here pondering what I wanted to blog about today, now that my Armenia series is finished, I considered a few topics. There’s the controversy over Dolly Parton’s impressive Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outfit for her halftime show on Thanksgiving Day. I have seen the performance, and I think Dolly rocked it. She looked pretty awesome in that costume, and she showed a lot of moxie for wearing it. I mean, she’s 77 years old! I know a lot of 17 year olds who would not be able to wear that outfit without looking completely ridiculous. Dolly can still pull it off. I say, let her wear it, and STFU… but that’s just me. I am with Dolly’s younger sister, Stella, on the haters out there. Shame on them!

I think this song was actually originally a 70s song, and it’s certainly a product of its time. But some people like it. I remember Vivian from the Fort Belvoir Officer’s Club karaoke was a fan. Vivian hated me… so there you go.

Then I found myself listening to the utterly puke worthy 80s song, “I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene. I’ve been making an 80s nostalgia playlist, and even though that song makes me kind of nauseous, I decided to download it, anyway. It was on a compilation album that had a bunch of other songs on it that were either much better, or were also guilty pleasure hits from that era. I may have to write an in depth post on Charlene’s song about how it’s better to be a married woman with a child than someone who’s been all over the world and made love to kings. I mean, I guess I get the point that being attached to someone and having a family can be wonderful. But so can travel and independence and experiencing new and interesting things. Not everyone wants to change diapers and stay in the same place where they went to high school.

Then, after I finished some of the mundane Wednesday chores I do, because I’m a housewife, I ventured to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism). There, I saw the contentious thread I referenced in my earlier post had been updated. It was already a long thread, so after two new responses, it was closed. The transgender poster who had called out “overly helpful diva”, had responded to another poster who had taken great pains to be sensitive and helpful. The other poster had written that she didn’t want to “psychoanalyze” the transgender person. And the transgender person responded:

I don’t need a psychoanalysis, I just need you and [others] to listen.

About eight months back anybody started a thread about a fundie school refusing to play another school and it turned into a cesspool of bunk science and cissexism, the belief that trans people are worth less than cis people. I got sick of hearing posters who dealt with Mormonism and its abusive hierarchy demeaning trans people in a similar way so I called them out for it.

That’s when I found out this board tolerates transphobia more than calling transphobia out. Read it for yourself if you have the stomach for it.

I don’t need to debate people who consider my loved ones “less equal.” And over something as childish as throwing a ball or running.

Again… this isn’t an issue I know anything about, and it’s not something for which I have particularly strong feelings. However, I do think I can muster some empathy for this person, because they have experienced discrimination and adversity. They are trying to share their perspective. I understand that it probably is very frustrating, because for so long, no one cared at all about those who are transgender. They were basically just labeled as freaks and perverts.

Now, in 2023, some people are starting to listen to them and realize that they have needs that need to be expressed and addressed. At the same time, I also think it’s unrealistic to expect people to change their opinions and perspectives on a dime. That kind of change is going to take time. I’ll probably never see it in my lifetime. It might happen after I’m dead, provided the Earth doesn’t self-destruct. The main thing is, I think people should try to have some empathy and an attitude of helpfulness and kindness. At least at first.

Once again, overly helpful diva chimed in, even though she wasn’t specifically called out or addressed in the above comment. Her response was this:

You feel lots of rage. That means you’re right.

Congratulations.

Once again, she contributed a dismissive, discounting, sniping, and just plain rude and unempathic comment. Why did overly helpful diva need to add that snarky barb? Hadn’t she already posted enough? I think she’s repeatedly made herself quite clear. But she obviously didn’t think she had posted enough, because she had to have the last word… and sadly, the thread closed with her parting shot. For once, I’d like to see someone else have the last word in their online interactions with her.

You see, it’s not that I don’t think overly helpful diva sometimes makes good points. She is good at arguing, and as it was pointed out in that thread, she is a “talented researcher”. But she seemingly lacks the ability to soften her approach and realize that sometimes, the other person has a point, too. She behaves like someone who can never be wrong. And while she has no problem calling me and other people out when she thinks we’re out of line, she is not one to accept the same treatment from other people. When she gets called out, she becomes condescending and patronizing. If that doesn’t work, she’s sarcastic and rude. She’s a hypocrite.

I’m not even trying to say the transgender person wasn’t also rude. But that person has a personal stake in this argument that is beyond just being a woman who has fought for fairness and equality in sports. Add in the fact that the transgender person also grew up in Mormonism, and you have someone with a lot of raw feelings. And, it just seems to me, that if you’re constantly going to be taking a superior attitude toward people, maybe you might have some compassion for what that person has been through and continues to endure. That, to me, would be more impressive than resorting to sarcasm and rudeness.

Or, if it’s not possible to be compassionate, perhaps just shutting up would be preferable. Simply let that person have their say without chiming in with unnecessary insults. I mean, someone who really is superior would do that, right? It was the advice overly helpful diva gave me when I addressed the MEAN person who insulted Arran when he died. She unhelpfully advised me not to respond to the “troll”, even though I did so in a basically even-handed way. Perhaps she should heed her own advice and restrain herself from “adding fuel to the fire”, as she put it, and offering advice nobody wants or needs.

I feel sorry for the moderators on RfM. They have a tough job. Between people who are hurting deeply due to religious abuse and family dysfunction, arrogant people who can’t follow their own advice, and people like me, who write about these incidents, it can’t be easy to run that board. But one thing I would tell the moderators, if they cared about my opinion, is that people who act like the “overly helpful diva” are not conducive to encouraging communication. She may not outwardly tell people to shut up, but her overbearing insistence that she’s always right is a barrier to conversation. I find her very off putting, and knowing that she might chime in on something I post makes me hesitate to post anything there anymore. Sometimes, it actually feels unsafe.

In fairness to “overly helpful diva”, there are other rude and abrasive people who post there, too. I just don’t seem to clash as much with them. I, for one, have developed a distaste for a certain male atheist who posts on RfM. I think Alexis knows of whom I write. He bothers me less than the overly helpful diva, though. I just skip over his posts. It’s too bad. There are a lot of interesting, intelligent, and very kind people who hang out on RfM. When it’s good, it’s really good. But when it’s bad, it can be downright terrible. I’ll always be grateful to RfM for introducing me to some good books and music, too. I’ve found a lot of the people there have great taste in things to listen to and read.

Oh well…

Anyway, I just wanted to get all of that off my chest. I’m not saying the “overly helpful diva” is 100 percent wrong in her opinions about this particular issue. I’m saying that her delivery sucks, and she turns people off by being an all knowing, condescending, sarcastic jerk. And the older I get, the less time I have for her, and her ilk. 😀

Maybe that’s a sign that I’ve “recovered”.

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communication, LDS, lessons learned, overly helpful people

Sometimes we teach best what we most need to learn…

Today’s main blog post isn’t going to be about my time in Armenia. That may be a relief to some of my regulars. I have one more blow by blow post for my travel blog, then my usual “ten things I learned” post. Then, Armenia is history… for the time being, anyway. 😉

I used to spend a lot of time on the Recovery from Mormonism messageboard. For years, I read it on a daily basis, even though it would often become contentious. There are a lot of angry, hurting people that hang out in that community, and sometimes they can be really argumentative toward each other. It’s not uncommon to see people insulting others there, name calling, arguing, and just plain being rude. On the other hand, sometimes people can be very supportive and kind. I have made several decent online friends from the RfM community… people I think are truly good people and I could be friends with offline. However, I’ve also run into people I don’t like, and wouldn’t want to meet in person.

I’ve written a couple of times in this blog about certain posters on that site who get on my nerves. They tend to be “all knowing” types, who feel quite comfortable in confronting people whenever they think they’ve somehow been “offensive”. For example, I distinctly remember, during Christmas of 2019, Bill and I were in France and some jackasses popped our tire when we were at a rest stop. We saw the people who damaged our tire. They were swarthy men, who appeared to be from a certain group of people well known in Europe for running scams. Now, I don’t know for absolute certain that those guys were Roma– but when Bill went to the police station to report the crime, he was told that they were most likely either Roma, or perhaps from northern Africa. It’s a fact that certain people from those groups perpetrate crimes in Europe. But neither I, nor the police, ever insinuated that EVERYONE from those areas does criminal things, nor did I indicate that I think they’re bad people overall.

So, when I was relating the story on RfM, a couple of people took me to task for “assuming” the perpetrators were Roma. They basically called me a racist. Naturally, that didn’t sit well with me, particularly since none of these people even know me personally. I will admit that, like most people, I probably do have some racist proclivities. However, even if that’s the case, no one wants to explicitly be called a racist when all they’re trying to do is share an experience. It’s offensive. It would be one thing if I’d made very bold blanket statements that indicated that I think all “swarthy” people are criminals. But I was simply describing the physical appearance of the people who had popped our tire, and relating what the police had told us. It seemed to me that taking me to task for that post was unnecessarily hostile and aggressive, and it made me think twice about whether or not I wanted to share anything there anymore.

When I pushed back against the chief offender, a person I’ll call “overly helpful diva”, got snotty with me. Because obviously, it’s fine for her to call me a racist, but it’s not fine for me to defend myself, or tell her she’s wrong to say that about someone she doesn’t even know. What the hell kind of reaction does she expect when she hurls offensive labels at people?

Then, several months later, Mary Kay LeTourneau died. Someone posted about it on RfM. I posted that I had empathy for Mary Kay’s loved ones. No, I don’t condone what she did. She committed rape against a child. It was right that she went to prison and had to register as a sex offender. However, her victim didn’t see himself as a victim. He later married Mary Kay. They had two children together. He was at her side on the day she died, even though they had divorced. And even though I think that case is strange, and I don’t understand it, I do understand that my personal feelings about that case matter a hell of a lot less than how the actual victim feels about it. He loved her, in spite of her crime against him. He’s also now well into adulthood, and is free to feel any way he wants to about what happened to him and the person who perpetrated the crime.

Well, that same person, along with another poster, took me to task for that, too. One of them went as far as to call me a “rape apologist”. That was extremely offensive to me. I certainly don’t condone rape, and labeling me in such a way simply because I acknowledged someone’s humanity is ridiculous. I think that most people are worth more than whatever bad things they’ve done. I also don’t like black and white thinking, hypocrisy, or people thinking they have the right to tell me what to think, how to feel, or what to say. So, that incident also went down in my long log of memories that told me that poster is someone with whom I’d rather not engage.

The last straw came last March, when my beloved dog, Arran, died. I posted about it on RfM, because I have some friends on there who knew about Arran. Some asshole decided to leave a really MEAN and uncalled for comment about Arran, which pissed me off. I confronted the mean poster, and the same all knowing overly helpful diva poster came along and tried to tell me what to do there, too.

I vented about the incident in my blog, then actively avoided RfM for months, because I could not bear to interact with that person again. I was very angry with her for inserting herself in an interaction that didn’t involve her, and offering me unwelcome and unsolicited advice when I was grieving a family member. She had basically told me to shut up, rather than allowing me to handle the situation in my own way. She wrote that responding to the mean troll was just “adding fuel to the fire”.

I almost wonder if she read my post here, because ever since then, she’s left me alone. I’m fine with that. I can’t stand people who are “overly helpful” toward me and think I need their special help. I really don’t need their help in communicating. Their insistence on advising me in such matters is insulting and offensive. I don’t post much on RfM anymore, anyway. I no longer have a need to post there… although I do sometimes read there when I’m bored.

A few days ago, someone on RfM posted a tribute to the overly helpful diva. And in the course of that post, a person who wasn’t a fan of hers, nor some of the other more active posters, chimed in on the thread. The non-fan of the overly helpful diva identifies as transgender, and apparently had an argument with the overly helpful advice giver, and a few others, about transgender athletes.

I didn’t see the original offending RfM post, nor was I actively involved in the post I’m referencing in this post. However, I did take note of how the overly helpful person responded when she was called out for being transphobic and bigoted. She was insulted and offended, just as I was when she implied that I was a racist, and when she’d agreed with the person who called me a “rape apologist”.

However, instead of having a rational conversation with the person who was calling her out and, I think, making some valid points about her responses, she became condescending, discounting, and argumentative. I noticed that she couldn’t simply practice her own counsel toward me and “stop adding fuel to the fire”. She had to address the person who called her out, and was, in the end, quite dismissive. It struck me as a very superior and arrogant response to someone who probably knows a hell of a lot more about the experience of being transgender than she does.

I didn’t add anything to the discussion myself. I didn’t want to add “fuel” to the fire, after all. 😉 Once again, I found overly helpful RfM diva’s responses insufferable and infuriating, and I had empathy for the person who had taken her on– even though the initial post had been complimentary toward the overly helpful diva. I noticed that she felt fine in repeatedly defending herself… but when I tried to do the same thing in a similar interaction with her, she got snotty, dismissive, and rude.

While I have no desire to wade into the topic on which they are arguing, I will say that I felt empathy for the poster who says they’re leaving RfM because of her, and people who act like her. I don’t know how I feel about the topic at hand. I don’t know enough about it, as it’s neither something that interests me, nor anything that affects me personally. But I do know how it feels to be dismissed, discounted, and name called on that messageboard by overly helpful diva and her ilk. And I did notice that when that happened to the overly helpful diva, she didn’t seem to like it any more than I had.

I think I’m at a point in which I’ve realized that most messageboards and groups on social media are often unworthy of the effort of joining. A lot of them eventually become toxic, as people clash and turn on each other. I did enjoy RfM a lot, back in the day. It was often helpful and entertaining, especially once I got to a point at which people quit calling me a liar about Bill’s situation… or assuming I was an evil stepmother (how could I be? I have only met my stepdaughters in person once, over twenty years ago!). But lately, it seems overtaken by this person and her overbearing, overwhelming personality, and her need to argue, belittle, and “prove wrong” anyone who has a different perspective than she has.

And when I read that stuff, and notice her reaction to it when people take her to task, I just want to tell her… “Sometimes we teach best what we most need to learn.” Then, I would follow up by advising her– if I were the kind to offer unsolicited advice— that instead of pointing out other people’s issues and faults and labeling them as “racists” or “rape apologists”, or telling them how to respond to other people, she might want to take a deep breath and check her own responses. She doesn’t know everything. Sometimes, her logic is flawed. And sometimes, she should simply shut the fuck up and listen. Maybe she might learn something new.

I literally cheered when the transgender told her she was “full of shit”. There’s some real truth in those words. But then, I think most of us are full of shit sometimes, myself included. The difference is, I’m willing to admit that. I don’t think the overly helpful diva ever has been willing to admit that sometimes, she’s totally full of shit.

I may not agree with everything the transgender poster wrote, but I did offer a hearty virtual high five when they declared to overly helpful diva, “I’m done compromising for people like you.” Bravo! I couldn’t have put it better myself. Life is short. Compromise for no one, unless they really deserve it. Most of the time, overly helpful divas don’t deserve the time of day, let alone an apology so that we can simply “go along to get along.” That’s how people end up with depression, anxiety, and in the worst cases, feeling uninterested in living anymore. So, by all means, feel free to tell the overly helpful diva to fuck off, and live your best life. 😀

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language, LDS, mental health, narcissists, Twitter

Learning “50 cent words” in the strangest of places…

Here’s another one of my far too personal posts. You might want to skip it if such topics bore or upset you.

It’s a gloomy Thursday morning and I’ve got a touch of medicine head. I washed the sheets yesterday and was looking forward to a good night’s sleep. But when I laid down and tried to drift off, I started coughing again. Yesterday, I coughed enough that I lost my breakfast. I didn’t want it to happen again at bedtime, so I took some cough syrup (which I hate doing). That quieted my cough for about two or three hours.

I woke up again at 1:30 AM with another coughing fit. I got up again to deal with that spasm, then took more cough syrup, finishing off the bottle, which had only had about two doses in it. I went back to sleep again and woke up at 5:30 AM, which is about my normal wake up time. But again, more coughing and hacking, and now I have “medicine head”, which makes thinking more challenging. I thought about going back to sleep, but realized there’s a lot of writing I want to get done, even if no one reads my stuff.

So here I am… and I’m about to be petty again. Because, why not?

Ex’s “friend” on X asked this of her followers…

Last week, while we were on the road, one of Ex’s “friends” on Twitter asked everyone to describe themselves in one word, using the first letter of their names. Ex, whose first name begins with an “S”, came up with the word “sagacious”. I have to admit, that’s not a word I use very often myself, in spite of my degree in English. I was curious, though, so I asked my friends on Facebook how many of them would use that word in an average conversation, without even thinking about it.

Several people commented that they “could” use it, which is not what I asked. I mean, we can all Google the word and find out what it means, then use it in a sentence. I wanted to know who would choose to use it as a matter of course. Of the people who responded, no one could say they’d use that word on a regular basis.

Ex must have realized that most people would be looking up the word “sagacious”, as she helpfully provided a definition for everyone. See below:

Um… this really doesn’t describe her at all…

We were on the road, so I started cracking myself up thinking of more appropriate “S” words that were more accurately descriptive of Ex. I came up with a few good ones, and none had anything to do with her having “good judgment” or “wisdom”. When I look at Ex’s life, I see a long string of stormy relationships, lots of outright lies and stretching of the truth, people who have sustained damages due to her conduct, and plenty of heartbreak. She’s made a lot of terrible decisions that have harmed many good people, including her own children. But, just to keep this post from getting too dark, I’ll just point out that this is a woman who has had multiple bankruptcies, at least one foreclosure, three husbands, and five children. Her eldest child has no full siblings and has been asked to think of three different men as his “dad”. Her youngest child will likely never be able to live on his own.

But to hear her tell it, she’s the wisest, most prescient, most compassionate, and most decent person in the room. And she’s smart, too! I mean, dumb people wouldn’t use a word like “sagacious” to describe themselves, right?

The weird thing is, if I didn’t know about her, I might not realize just how completely toxic she is. On the surface, she doesn’t seem quite that extreme. She may be mildly annoying to some people, and some of her Twitter posts are a bit affected. Take, for example, this comment she left regarding the electoral college:

While I abhor the electoral college NOW, getting rid of it will not insure equal representation in the House of Representatives. White privilege is real & voter discrimination occurs against ALL people of color, poor people & legal immigrants. Educate yourself.

It’s a little “high falutin'” to be using a word like “abhor” when you could use a word that is less fancy, like “dislike” or even “hate”. And the fact that she uses the word “insure“, when she likely means “ensure“, tells me that she uses language to try to show off. Sometimes, it has quite the opposite effect.

I see her posting seemingly empathic comments and platitudes to strangers on Twitter, knowing that she has said and done some really vile and hateful things to people she actually knows. And just yesterday, she threw some shade… I’m assuming it was at my husband, Bill, although maybe she means her first husband or someone else she once dated or fucked.

I considered leaving her a scathing comment, but in the end, decided not to. She’s not going to change, and ripping her a new asshole online for libeling Bill would only provide me with a few minutes of satisfaction before she blocked me. Besides, it doesn’t matter what strangers on Twitter think, because the people who matter– most of them, anyway– already know the truth.

I’m glad she thinks her ex is a “total creeper”. He’s my “total creeper” now. 😉

Here’s some context, not that it matters to the vast majority of people. Ex was supposedly convinced that Bill had an addiction to porn. And the truth of the matter is, he did, and probably still does look at the adult version of porn on occasion, as do many millions of lonely, horny, or bored people. It’s actually not that easy to avoid it on the Internet, unless you use some kind of filter. He does not have an addiction, though, nor is he a “creeper” in the slightest sense of the word.

The reality of the situation is, when Ex (then a high school dropout with some college courses) “diagnosed” Bill with this addiction, he was working soulsucking second and third shift jobs in factories. He was a man in his 30s who had no intimacy whatsoever with his then wife. They were focused on raising three children with very little money. Their marriage was in a death spiral… and Ex also had a boyfriend, the man who is now her third husband, that she was talking to online. She would eventually move that man into the house her “creeper ex” was paying for, and fuck him in their marital bed. Then she’d marry #3 and have him replace Bill’s role as father to her then three children, in every way except financial.

She would eventually issue an ultimatum to Bill, demand that he seek “treatment” for his “addiction” from a layman bishop in the LDS church, or she’d divorce him. Keep in mind that while LDS bishops do get some training in how to deal with people and their problems, they aren’t necessarily licensed mental health professionals. And the LDS church makes a huge deal out of things having to do with anything sexual that doesn’t involve making babies. So anyone looking at legal porn, having sex for fun (especially if it’s not heterosexual sex), masturbating, or even fantasizing about something that isn’t vanilla is going to be labeled somehow and their actions will be considered “problematic”, even if whatever they’re doing is not an actual problem.

Word also tends to get around fast in the LDS church. That’s what happened in Bill’s case. Pretty soon, many people in the church were turning their backs on him without ever hearing his side of the story. I’m glad the church people showed him who they actually were, and what they really weren’t. It made it easier for him to leave their cult.

Ex issued her treatment from the bishop “edict” in my late father-in-law’s home over Easter 2000, while their children were out eating ice cream with FIL and Bill’s stepmother. The whole time this was going on, by the way, Ex was enjoying erotic fiction written by people like Anne Rice, playing Dungeons & Dragons, and losing herself in movies. Their last home together eventually went into foreclosure, which took years to live down in terms of Bill’s credit rating.

They did have financial issues, but it wasn’t because of a pornography addiction. It was because of Ex’s uncontrolled spending as she tried to look “successful” to people in the church, church tithing, her medical bills, and Bill’s reluctance to stop her from spending all of the money he’d earned. She bought things like Disney plates and depression glass, or expensive snack platters from Swiss Colony. Bill is a loving and sensitive guy, who was still very much interested in sex and having a marital relationship when they were together. She’d checked out, and was having an affair.

I’m not saying that it’s necessarily a good thing that porn was in the picture, but she makes it sound like Bill was a weak man who had single-handedly destroyed their relationship with it. That’s not at all what happened. And more importantly, as his wife for almost 21 years, I can assure Ex that this so called “addiction” she claims Bill had when they were married is not happening today. I’ve never seen any sign of Bill as a pervert or a “creeper”. To me, he’s a wonderful, caring, generous husband. I’m grateful to be with him.

There are people who do have legitimate addictions to pornography. It CAN and DOES ruin lives. But Bill doesn’t have a problem with addiction of any kind. As a matter of fact, when Bill travels, I can guarantee that I’ll hear from him in the evening. He’ll want to chat with me, even if I’d rather be watching a movie. The rest of the time he’s either at work, or physically with me. For proof of that, have a look at my travel blog. Please— it really needs some hits! 😉

Ex has told everyone in the family that Bill has this problem. Most of the observant types have realized it’s Ex’s typical made up bullshit. One person hasn’t written it off as bullshit, though. My husband’s stepmother still thinks Bill is an abusive pervert. She has even asked me about it. I told her that he’s not abusive to me, but I don’t think she believes me. Stepmother-in-law has her own issues. She doesn’t care for me, and I don’t think she cares much for Bill. She wanted access to Bill’s daughters because she wants to be a grandmother, and it’s unlikely her daughter will provide any children from her marriage. So, even though Ex is toxic to her, and she’s complained to us many times about Ex’s behavior and hurtful things she’s said, she continues to give her deference… even though the girls are now well into adulthood.

So, when I see Ex using Bill as another prop for her bullshit facade, I just kind of shake my head. I know the truth, as do all of the other people who matter. Why she feels the need to chat up strangers on social media instead of paying attention to the actual people in her life, I’ll never know. She has so many people offline who need her and would love it if she’d just be a normal person. But that’s impossible, and it will never happen. She’ll never change.

But… at least I’ve gained something from watching Ex’s shenanigans online. I honestly didn’t know the word “sagacious”. Now, I’ll never forget what it means, as I realize that Ex is a living, breathing antonym of the “S” word she uses to describe herself. I’m glad she was at least “sagacious” enough to let Bill go, so he could be with someone who loves him for exactly who he is.

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communication, controversies, ethics, family, holidays, LDS, love, misunderstandings, narcissists

Once someone gives you a gift, it’s yours…

This week has flown by! I can’t believe it’s already Thursday. I’m sitting here thinking about how my husband will be on yet another business trip next week, while I sit here and plan our trip to see our dentist and later, the Czech Republic (aka Czechia). I look forward to the road trip to Czechia. It’s a beautiful country, with a lot to see, great beer, and excellent food. It’s also not a very expensive place to visit, at least compared to some other destinations. I was pretty shocked by how much Yerevan is going to cost! I think it’ll be worth it, though, because I haven’t seen Armenia since 1997, and it’s a special place to me.

Anyway, I’m sitting here this morning thinking about a column I just read in The New York Times. A woman wrote:

“My mom has wanted to buy me a luxury bag for a few years, but I have reservations about spending lots of money on things. Still, when she asked for my opinion about a bag for herself, I provided one — though I suspected it was really for me. I texted her that I appreciate everything she does, but I asked her not to buy me a bag. (Having expensive things makes me anxious.) She agreed, but then she sent me more pictures of status bags. I repeated my request. Then I spoke to my sibling, who convinced me that gifts are my mom’s way of expressing love, and that she can afford it. (She’s also having a hard time now caring for my grandfather.) So, I prepared myself to receive a $2,000 bag. But the one that arrived cost $7,000 — which stresses me out! I love my mom, but she didn’t respect my feelings. How can I handle this nicely?”

The columnist, Philip Galanes, gave what I think is good advice. He advised explaining to the mom, once again, that receiving such expensive gifts provokes anxiety. He suggests giving her ideas for more appropriate gifts. Galanes recognizes that the situation is kind of tricky, since our social mores frown on telling people what they should or should not give as gifts to someone. An etiquette expert would likely say that it’s better to receive all gifts with a grateful heart. Galanes says this, which I think is pretty astute:

Your question isn’t really about gifts; it’s about getting through to your mother, kindly. You shouldn’t have to choke down anxiety to make her feel good.

I checked out the Facebook comments on this post, just because I was curious. I wasn’t surprised to find that a lot of people found this dilemma ridiculous. Here’s a woman with a mom who can afford to give her daughter $7000 handbags. Many people love expensive handbags, and would be very excited to get one as a gift. Moreover, some readers were focused on the mom’s feelings, pointing out that the mom might be hoping to see her daughter enjoying her gift. They didn’t seem to realize that even a $7000 handbag isn’t much of a gift if it makes the recipient feel uncomfortable. Part of gift giving involves being thoughtful, and giving something that the recipient can use and/or appreciate.

I liked this woman’s suggestion:

If it’s the bag I’m thinking, resale value is good. Get a bag you feel more comfortable owning and invest, save or donate the rest.

A few people agreed with her. But then she got this response, which prompted me to write today’s blog post.

“…it was a gift from her mother. I would be hurt if my daughter sold this gift.“

I didn’t tag the woman who wrote this response, because I’m not looking for an argument with a stranger today. But I did feel compelled to leave my opinion, which is this:

I would be hurt if I repeatedly made my wishes known to my mom and she ignored them. Besides, once someone gives you a gift, it’s yours. I think exchanging the bag for a less expensive one and saving, investing, or donating the money is a great idea.

So far, several people seem to agree with me. Yes, there’s etiquette involved with receiving gifts, but there’s also etiquette involved with giving them. Gifts should be given with thought and care. I will admit, when I was younger, I didn’t always understand the pleasure of giving or receiving thoughtful gifts. I used to see Christmas and birthdays as burdens, as I was expected to buy presents for everyone in my immediate family. I didn’t have any money, nor was I close enough to most of them to know what they liked, wanted, or needed. Now that my Christmases mainly involve Bill and me, it’s a lot easier. I know what he likes. I buy most of his clothes for him as a matter of course. 😉 He tells me I’m good at the job. I also seek honest feedback from him, so I don’t end up spending money on things he doesn’t like or want.

One thing I’ve learned after being married to Bill is that sometimes giving and receiving gifts can be problematic in relationships. Most of us are taught from childhood that we should always be grateful to receive gifts, even if they’re inappropriate, not our taste, or leave a rude impression. We are trained to always assume that gifts are always given with the spirit of generosity. But I have learned that sometimes gifts can have weird messages attached to them that leave the recipient with negative feelings.

Ex was/is the queen of giving inappropriate gifts, which I think is actually a pretty prominent trait in people who are narcissistic. They tend to give gifts based on their own preferences, because they generally only think of themselves. If they do manage to give someone something they actually want, it’s because they have an angle, and will use the gift as a means of control and obligation. Bill told me that when he was married to Ex, she’d buy him things that were impractical, yet expensive. Like, for instance, she once gave him a bust of a Star Wars character. It’s true that Bill likes Star Wars, and the bust was kind of cool. But it cost $300 that they needed for buying food. He ended up insisting that she return it, which she did without too much protest.

Younger daughter has said that her mother will send gifts to her that have some kind of sentimental message or hidden meaning. Sometimes, she sends things that are just plain odd– like Christmas jammies for the whole family that are all in the wrong sizes. Or, she’ll send things that are kind of thoughtless. More than once, she’s sent tea sets to her grandchildren, who are being raised in the LDS faith, where most tea drinking is forbidden (although they can drink herbal teas). The funny thing is, Ex is the one who got younger daughter into the LDS religion. You’d think she’d remember the Word of Wisdom. But no… she has evidently forgotten that Mormons don’t typically drink coffee, tea, or alcohol. Or she doesn’t care. Or… she’s sending some kind of hidden message that younger daughter should quit the church.

A few years ago, Bill was shopping for a gift for his granddaughter. He saw a cool looking tea set and was about to buy it, when something dawned on me. I said “Wait a minute! Are you sure you should be sending a tea party set to a child who is being raised LDS?”

Bill laughed and said, “Oh my God, you’re right! I totally forgot!” Then he found a really cool looking ice cream cart toy and sent that instead. Younger daughter said granddaughter was delighted with the toy and it was a huge hit with the other kids in their neighborhood, too. Bill wasn’t offended when I pointed out that he might want to take an extra minute to consider the appropriateness of his gift. His ex wife probably would have, but that’s most likely because she gives gifts with herself in mind, rather than the person receiving the gift.

Later, Bill told his daughter about the faux pas he almost committed. She smiled and said it would have been okay, since her mom had sent them a bunch of tea party sets, too. In my mind, that’s another reason to have sent something else. They already have a bunch of tea sets!

I enjoy sending gifts to Bill’s grandchildren. As I’ve been doing so, I try to consider whether or not the gifts are appropriate or will be received well. I’m sure I miss sometimes. A couple of days ago, I posted a picture of Bill wrapping a care package we made for his daughter, who is currently expecting her fourth baby. I usually send stuff for the kids, but this time, I wanted to send something more for their mother.

Bill and I like Molton Brown toiletries from England. They aren’t cheap, but they smell wonderful, are high quality, colorful, and just nice. I thought about younger daughter taking care of her kids and wondered if maybe she’d like them, too. So I asked her. I said I wanted to send her something nice for the few minutes alone she gets in the shower. I said I didn’t want to send her anything that would be offensive or make her feel sick to her stomach. She gave me some ideas of scents she likes. I ended up sending her a couple of assortment sets that have different samples of the scents Molton Brown sells. That way, if she finds one she really likes, she can tell me. If there’s one that offends, she can tell me. I didn’t make a big investment in a particular scent in the gift, so it’s no big deal if she doesn’t like certain ones. I hope she’ll let me know if there are any she doesn’t like… or even if she doesn’t like Molton Brown at all.

I included a pair of Irish wool socks, since she lives in Utah and winter is coming, ginger lemon bon bons for nausea, skin cream for the stretching, and a couple of bracelets that were made by a local artisan. We filled the remaining space with German and Dutch candy and stroopwafels. We know she likes those, and can’t easily get them locally.

One of my friends took me to task for sending sweets to a pregnant lady. She said that stuff isn’t “good” for her, and will only tempt her. I was a bit taken aback by that comment. First off, for years, Bill wasn’t allowed any contact with his daughter. So he’s making up for lost time now. We know she appreciates the goodies, and she will share them responsibly with her family.

And secondly, the last thing I would ever want to do is presume to tell younger daughter what she should or shouldn’t do– particularly when it comes to eating. I understand the point about not encouraging unhealthy eating habits, but food is something younger daughter enjoys. She’s a very busy mom, but she loves to try new things and test recipes. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries the stroopwafels and learns to make them herself. She’s never been to Europe, either, so this is one way to introduce it to her.

I’ve had to listen to a lot of unwelcome criticism and commentary about my body from so-called loved ones. It never seemed loving to me when my mom would look at me with annoyance or outright disgust and said things like, “I wish you’d lose some weight!” And then she’d offer to buy me a new wardrobe if I lost twenty pounds. I’m sure those comments came more from her desire to impress other people than any concern for my health or well being. But it was even worse when my dad would make comments to me, even when I was a normal sized teen. That shit led to years of body image issues and disordered eating. Now, I’d happily tell them both to fuck off… perhaps using more polite terms, but yeah– if I was angry enough, I probably would use the “f” bomb. I inherited the “gift” of their tempers, along with their gifts for music. 😉

And that brings me to my next point. Sometimes gifts come in intangible ways. Sometimes people pay compliments that turn out to be gifts. Or they offer constructive criticism that turns out to be truly helpful and constructive. Or they divorce their husbands so their husbands can marry someone who is more compatible. I consider the fact that Ex divorced Bill a tremendous gift to me. Sure, it was not meant to be a gift, but it turned out to be one, just the same. Ditto to the voice teacher I had in 1990, back when I was a freshman at Longwood, who suggested to me that I should study voice privately with her. That adjunct professor literally changed my life for the better by doing that. Yes, that was also a tremendous gift! It’s continued to give for 33 years and counting, even if only to me, and those who like what I do.

On the other hand, intangible gifts can also turn out to be duds. Take, for instance, the “compliment” someone tried to pay me a few months ago. I shared a meme on my Facebook page that featured an overweight woman in a bikini and the suggestion that people should mind their own business when they see someone on the beach in a bikini– even if they think the person shouldn’t be wearing one. The person who “complimented” me said I looked “great”. But that wasn’t me in the picture, so the compliment ended up being very offensive. When I pointed out that the woman in the photo wasn’t me, my former friend continued to try to compliment me on my looks. It made things much worse. Then I vented about it in my blog; she read it; and now we’re not “friends” anymore. :/ Her “gift” turned me into the asshole… although actually, maybe there was a gift in what happened. I got to see her for the person she really is. Now, I don’t waste time trying to be friends with her.

Then there are the “gifts” that come with many strings attached. I don’t want to get into that too heavily in this post, since I just wrote about how Jim Bob Duggar gives gifts with many strings attached. You can read my recent posts about the “gifts” he gave to his daughter, Jill, and his other children to get an idea of that concept. But I do want to point out that Jim Bob seems to have missed the point of giving gifts… which is to give someone something that will be a blessing or kindness to them as an expression of love or friendship– not as a source of control or “ego boo”.

Bottom line– whenever possible, gifts should be given with thought and good will toward the recipient. So, mom, if your daughter very clearly tells you what she does not want as a gift, you should respect that, and try to give her something more appropriate. And if you insist on giving her a $7000 gift that makes her feel uncomfortable and anxious, you should not be offended if she decides to do something else with the gift. Once you give a gift to someone, it no longer belongs to you. So, if she sells or returns the handbag and gets something she’d rather have, take that as a lesson. Giving and receiving gifts isn’t just about one person making a transaction. It’s something that should be done with a true spirit of generosity.

Personally, I love the idea of reselling the expensive handbag and either investing or donating the money. That’s a great way to turn this awkward situation into a winning solution that will pay dividends in the long run– either for the original recipient, or to less fortunate people who might benefit from donated funds generated by the sale of the unwanted bag.

Well, that about does it for today’s sermon. It’s Thursday, so that means I have to break out the riding vacuum cleaner. 😉 So I think I’ll get on with that, and check in tomorrow with something new. Ciao!

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