blog news, music, YouTube

Could I be a v-logger? Maybe. Do I want to be one? Not particularly…

Yesterday, we got more snow, and I expect that today, it will all melt. We’re expecting warmer temperatures that will dissolve the snow from yesterday, along with the snow that didn’t melt last week. This weather is more like what we had in Jettingen, circa 2014-15. I remember then, we had snow that hung around for weeks and looked horrible, because it was all dirty and covered in dog pee.

We moved up here in late 2018, but until this year, we’ve had little snow. I think there was a good storm last year, but I don’t remember it being even as much as what we had last week. I like snow fine, as long as I don’t have to go out in it. But sometimes, I get tired of it, too.

I mentioned yesterday that I was feeling a little worried, depressed, and nutty, which isn’t too abnormal at this time of year for me, or for a lot of other people. After I took a nap, I decided that maybe it would be good to record some music. When I saw that had just released a karaoke version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by James Taylor and Natalie Cole, I decided I had to try it.

I know not everyone likes the song, mainly because people today think it glorifies date rape. Well, I’m here to tell you that glorifying date rape and ignoring consent for sex is not what was intended when the song was written. It was meant to be a cute parlor song for ending the evening, not a song about sexual consent or lack thereof. But, leave it to today’s social justice warriors to cancel something they don’t really understand.

When “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was written by Frank Loesser, no one was thinking about spiking beverages with roofies. People were worried about their reputations among friends and family members. Those who had the hots for each other had to think of respectable ways to get around the rules regarding the mores of the time. Hence the excuse that it’s “too cold” for the lady to go home… It has nothing at all to do with being “rapey”.

In any case, I didn’t even think James and Natalie had that much chemistry in their version of the duet. However, I am very familiar with their version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, and Karaoke-Version had a good rendition of it with a competent male singer doing James’s part. So I gave it a whirl. Below is the end result.

I think it turned out okay, if I do say so myself…

This morning, I woke up to the below comment…

“Great cover. I especially liked the facial expressions. Can you tell us what life is like in Germany? Maybe just little slice of life moments that intro us to your next song?”

I had to laugh at this comment, because obviously this guy doesn’t know about my blogs. If he really wants to know about my life in Germany, he can hit the motherlode on WordPress. He’d probably learn a lot more than he even wants to know. I even put the address of my blog on the channel. And while I appreciate both the compliment, and the time he took to comment on my cover, I really just go to YouTube to sing. I’m not there to talk much… although I suppose I could. I just don’t see the point, because most of my videos aren’t monetized. I do occasionally put up non musical videos, but most of the stuff I do for YouTube is copyrighted by someone else. And I sing on YouTube because I enjoy making music. I write here because I enjoy writing.

I also wonder why people feel like they need to offer unsolicited advice to other people on how they do things. I don’t mind when people make song suggestions, although I can’t promise I can always deliver. Sometimes the song doesn’t work for my voice. Sometimes I don’t like the lyrics. That happened to me once on SingSnap. Some guy wanted me to sing lyrics on a song he’d written, but it was a song about a woman who was addressing a homewrecking hussy. Since I am a second wife who has been falsely accused of being a homewrecker, that song didn’t sit right with me.

La Twat told her kids that Bill cheated on her with me. That’s NOT the truth. In fact, the opposite is true. She cheated on Bill… and she cheated with Bill on her first ex husband. So, generally speaking, I don’t want to do songs about homewrecking hussies. There are other topics that are off limits, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head right now.

But anyway, although I can think of other songs James Taylor has done that I’ve liked better, I decided to do his version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, because that song has become a Christmas staple, even though it’s not really a Christmas song. And yesterday, we had snow, which is not so normal in Germany anymore. After I uploaded that song, I decided to do another… Below is my take on Ella Fitzgerald’s version of “I Get a Kick Out of You.” I think it turned out okay, although I’d rather do Dinah Washington’s version, which is a little more upbeat and has a great horn solo. But there are no backing tracks available for Dinah’s version yet, so I was stuck with Ella’s.

I had to learn the first part of this, since I’d never heard it before…

I physically felt a lot better after I did these songs, by the way… even though it took forever to get them uploaded. Our Internet has been very slow lately.

I was doing well until this morning, when I woke up to answer the call of nature, and checked the Internet. There, I was confronted with a scary YouTube video about pancreatic cancer. I do have some of the symptoms, but my guess is that I have gallstones. I think that because if I had cancer, I’d probably be dead by now. Or, at least I’d be a lot sicker than I am. Anyway… sooner or later, I’m probably going to have to deal with this problem. Or, it will deal with me… 😀

I don’t want to be a v-logger. I don’t want to ruin the vibe of my YouTube channel by speaking. Because when I talk, I tend to say way too much. My “slice of life” in Germany quips would probably not be lighthearted and jolly anecdotes that make people feel good. I really think I’m better off just singing. And if you want to know more about me than that, you can always read my blog… and get a lot more than you ever bargained for.

I’ll tell you something else… when I make recordings, I tend to focus a lot on making the recording and not messing up. If I have to talk, too, then the song part will be less “perfect”. I know perfection generally isn’t possible, but I like to get as close to it as I can.

This all being said, I won’t necessarily rule out the guy’s suggestion. I never thought I’d actually appear in my videos, and yet, here I am. It took awhile before I felt confident enough to be on camera, but now it’s no big deal. And I mainly go on camera now, because it’s easier than making videos with photos, and people tend to watch the videos I’m actually in. So, I guess I’m not ugly to look at… in spite of drive-by assholes who occasionally drop by with mean spirited comments.

Well, yesterday, we put a new feather topper on our bed, so I may need to adjourn so I can enjoy it some more, having risen at 4:00 AM. Gonna practice my guitar and get on with the day. Perhaps I’ll be back tomorrow.

communication, dogs, ideas, music, travel

Still learning new things from a 1996 trip to Turkey…

Last night, while Bill was enjoying an online session with his American Jungian therapist who lives in Berlin, I was getting annoyed by comments on a Washington Post article I read (temporarily unlocked). The article was about how many Americans are taking their dogs everywhere with them, and how–maybe– the dogs don’t actually want to go. I realize I should have known better than to leave a Facebook comment, since most people didn’t bother to read the article before doing their chiming. But, since I live in a country where dogs are welcome in most places, I felt compelled.

The first comment I got from someone was vaguely accusatory, and their comment got a bunch of “likes”. Below is what I posted, and the response:

Mine loves to go with us, but we live in Germany, where it’s normal for dogs to be out with their owners. He’s a big guy who gets nervous, so we don’t bring him often.

I don’t think anything is wrong with this comment. But, someone responded with this:

Out of curiosity, how does he love it if he gets nervous?

I didn’t actually type what I was tempted to post, which was “Do you not ever have the experience of being nervous and then enjoying yourself, once you’ve had a chance to relax? The two conditions aren’t mutually exclusive.” Instead, I responded calmly and rather politely:

He eventually relaxes. We have a wine stand in our neighborhood. We can walk to it. We will take him to that. He starts out nervous and excited, then calms down. And he always likes car rides and walks to new places, but things like umbrellas and sudden noises scare him. He is a street dog from Kosovo.

We don’t take him to big events because it can be too much for him, and he takes up the entire back end of our SUV. But we will take him to Biergartens or smaller events, and he does fine after a little while. This is a totally normal thing in Germany. It’s less normal to leave your dog home alone. In fact, there are laws against leaving dogs home alone for more than a few hours.

I was relieved when that comment didn’t invite any unpleasantness. But then someone else chimed in with this:

it’s normal in the US too…

I wasn’t sure what side of the argument this person was on, so I wrote this response:

Things in the States must have changed a lot since I left. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, as long as dogs are trained how to be in public and people are considerate. Here, people really train their dogs, so even though they are often in restaurants, you’d never know. We don’t take ours to indoor establishments, but we have seen some dogs that were so well behaved that we didn’t notice their presence until they were leaving.

Personally, I’d rather leave mine at home most of the time, but sometimes it’s fun to bring him. It’s the only way he will learn how to behave in public and realize that humans besides us are good. And he does love the change of scenery.

She came back with this:

they’re everywhere here. Ubiquitous

So I wrote:

Well, it’s been nine years since I was last home. Based on the comments, it sounds like maybe dogs in public are a problem.

Then she posted this:

not really. Most people love dogs.

I didn’t want to continue to engage. Fortunately, she got the hint when I wrote this:

Good. I’m glad.

But then another person– a curmudgeon of sorts– wrote this:

more’s the pity

Despite what the woman above posted to me, a lot of people in the USA don’t seem think it’s a good thing to take dogs in public places. They have lots of reasons for their thinking. And, just like a lot of Americans have extremely rigid ideas about topics such as spaying and neutering, and how it must always be done at six months of age (which is not always a good idea, pet overpopulation concerns notwithstanding), some people are equally lacking perspective about the subject of dogs in restaurants and such.

I was getting a little agitated by the hostile and rigid posturing in the comment section, and had just remarked to my friends that Americans need to travel more. But then someone posted that most Americans can’t afford to travel… which wasn’t really the point. The point is, a lot of Americans seem to think our way is the only way of doing things, and they lack any desire to explore different places or discover new things.

Even a lot of Americans who live in Germany with the military are stuck in that US centric mindset, and they see no reason to evolve or expand. A lot of us don’t have any perspective of life beyond two feet in front of us, let alone how things are in other parts of the world. I was trying to share a different perspective in the comment section, even though I know better than to even try. For my efforts, I got a vaguely accusatory comment, and a comment that seemed to imply that I’m somehow naive, or out of touch with reality. That kind of makes me not want to try to share with others.

Why do people have to be so negative whenever someone shares their experiences and perspectives? Why can’t people be more open-minded and willing to listen? So often, we don’t even let people finish their sentences before we interrupt them. Bill did that this morning; he cut in with an inappropriate response before I’d even finished my thought. But if he’d been a little patient and just listened, rather than focusing on coming up with the wrong response, it would have spared us both time and annoyance.

Living abroad has forever changed me. I suspect that when I go back to the United States, I’m going to feel very frustrated. I love my family, for instance, but I suspect that talking to some of my cousins again someday will be disturbing on many levels. A lot of them are firmly mired in Trumpland, southern culture, and conservative Christianity, and no amount of cajoling will get them to broaden their perspectives on certain topics. But sometimes, I do get a rewarding glimmer when another American gets it. That’s what today’s post is all about.


Last night at about 9:00 PM, Bill finished his session with his therapist. He was in good spirits, because he and the therapist have a very good rapport. As he enjoyed the rest of last night’s wine, Bill told me that he and the therapist got into a discussion about music. He said he’d told his therapist about how I had introduced him to a lot of new music, and how sometimes I “drunk download” stuff. I have very eclectic tastes in music, so it usually works out fine. I’ve found some really great stuff that way.

Sometimes I discover some amazing finds while traveling– especially when it comes to music and art. When we went to Latvia last summer, I found a fascinating all women’s folk group (Tautumeitas) when I went into a jewelry store. I liked it so much that I downloaded the album as soon as I had the opportunity. Ditto to Finland, from where the wonderful band, Frigg, hails.

I discovered Frigg when I read an article about traveling to Finland. I was reading the article because I’d just visited Finland myself. Someone in the comment section mentioned discovering Frigg when they went to Finland, and they emphasized what a great band they are. I decided to investigate, and it opened a whole new world to me. I have shared Frigg with Bill, and with people who read this blog, although I don’t think many people have bothered to listen to the links I included in my post. In fact, not many people bothered to even read the post, which is too bad. If you are reading this, I challenge you to click the link in this paragraph, and just listen to Frigg for a minute. See if you don’t agree that Frigg is at least very talented, if not downright awesome! I dare you! You probably won’t be able to unhear the awesomeness. 😀

Anyway, the therapist asked Bill about the kind of music that puts him in “the mood”… for sex, I guess. Bill got a big smile on his face, because we do, in fact, have an album we have historically listened to when we’re in the mood for lovemaking. It’s one I discovered in Istanbul, back in 1996.

My friend Elaine and I had traveled by bus from Yerevan, Armenia to Istanbul. In 1996, it wasn’t so easy to take cheap vacations out of Armenia. Flying on scary Armenian Airlines was way too expensive for me, as I didn’t have any money in those days. Elaine was kind enough to lend me a few hundred bucks so I could go with her on vacation to Türkiye (Turkey) and Bulgaria, which were pretty inexpensive then. It took three days to get to Istanbul, and parts of the trip, while beautiful, were also kind of scary. We were also exhausted when we finally arrived in the city.

After a night in the Aksaray district of Istanbul, which is in the Asian part of the city, Elaine and I relocated to Taksim, which is on the European side. Taksim was definitely more western than Aksaray was, and there was a lot to see and do there.

There was a big shopping boulevard near our hotel, and I remember walking up and down that street a bunch of times during our time there. One day, Elaine and I were passing a music store on that street, and we heard the most intoxicating, enchanting sounds… It captured both of us like Wonder Woman’s golden lasso, and we were compelled to go into the shop and find the source of that gorgeous music. They were playing music by a Turkish folk band called Kizilirmak.

Kizilirmak is the name of a river in Türkiye, but when I see or hear that word, I’m reminded of a band that captured my soul on first listen. Elaine and I both bought cassette copies of their album, Rüzgarla Gelen. We both loved what we heard, just passing by that music shop by chance while we were visiting Istanbul in 1996. On that trip, I also bought a cassette of Bulgarian music by Trio Bulgarka when we went to Bulgaria. Trio Bulgarka has famously collaborated with my musical hero, Kate Bush, but before they did that, they made beautiful folk music. I hadn’t heard the Bulgarian music first; I just knew Trio Bulgarka had sung with Kate Bush. I bought the music entirely based on that fact, and didn’t regret it, even though it was just an 80s production of Bulgarian folk songs.

Years later, when I married Bill, I played Kizilirmak’s cassette for him, and he also loved it. Indeed, it was very good music for moments of intimacy. At least, for us it was. Maybe it wouldn’t be for other people. Still, when I hear the below folk song, I smile and remember the early days of our marriage, when we were younger and much randier.

It’s a folk song, but I find it kind of erotic… or, at least very soothing. The whole album is interesting and timeless, and it never gets old. I hope one or two of my readers will investigate it and be enriched.

So there Bill and I were this morning, learning more about the above song, “Kirvem”, which it turns out is a folk song that has been done by a number of people. If you go on YouTube, you’ll find different interpretations of it. The link below is not Kizilirmak, but it is a very beautiful version of the song I first heard done by Kizilirmak…

Sigh… makes me want to learn this song. Music really is an international language that knows no bounds.

Now, because of that therapy session Bill had last night, and the trip I took to Istanbul in 1996 with my friend, Elaine– who had made it possible for me to go by lending me some money–, we will be passing along this gem to someone else. Perhaps Bill’s therapist’s life will be enriched by hearing “Kirvem” done by Kizilirmak. Maybe he’ll pass it along to another person.

So true…

I realize that my own former therapist, who is now a friend, also contributed something to this revelation. The above photo was posted on his Facebook page, and it struck a chord with me. Because I recently went back to Armenia, and found out that the time I spent there hadn’t been wasted… I had made a difference by spending two years there, and in fact, I made a difference by going back to visit a couple of weeks ago. I exposed Bill to a place that means a lot to me, and he learned new things, which he’s shared with friends at work and his daughter. I’ve learned new things in my travels, which I’m sharing with you, and anyone else who cares to pay attention. Maybe you’ll pass on some of what I’ve learned and am sharing to someone you know… See what I mean?

So, while I find that a lot of Americans– or really, a lot of people– can be stubbornly resistant to having their perspectives challenged, I have also found that if you’re open to it, you can be exposed to some really wonderful things. It’s not unlike leveling up when you play a game.

Are you ready for the next world? You have to be brave enough to take the first step. That means leaving your comfort zone and trying something new. But that can be very scary for some people. I know it’s scary for me sometimes. Change can be hard… but sometimes, change is vital. Sometimes you have to change or you will literally die. Maybe you can’t afford to travel. Can you afford to be influenced by someone who travels and sees the world? Could you expand and evolve that way– until you do have the chance to get out of your comfort zone? Are you willing to listen to someone who’s seen and done things you haven’t seen or done yet? Maybe you can learn something new that way.

Anyway, that was just a profound thought I had this morning, as Bill and I were sharing something I discovered in Istanbul, Türkiye, back in 1996. That trip is still teaching me new things, which I can share with you. That thought kind of blows my mind.

The featured photo was taken somewhere in eastern Turkey in 1996…

Armenia, funny stories, memories, mental health, music, nostalgia, YouTube

“It’s the ninth week of training and… ‘Everybody Hurts’…”

I could write a rant about some truly ridiculous things I read on Facebook and watched on YouTube yesterday. I decided not to today, because that would take a lot of time and energy, and I spent most of the morning writing today’s travel blog post about our trip to Armenia. I may not be doing anything particularly heavy hitting on this blog until I’m done with that series. I want to do a good job with it, because Armenia is a very meaningful place to me.

Still, I did want to put something up on this blog today, so I decided today, it would be a music post. This afternoon, I decided to record the REM song, “Everybody Hurts.” I did so because yesterday, while I was practicing guitar, I happened upon that song and found that it wasn’t that hard to play. It’s also a great song for practicing fingerpicking, which I really suck at.

As I was playing it on my guitar yesterday, I realized that “Everybody Hurts” is very meaningful to me. In my life, I have suffered a lot from depression and anxiety. There have been times when it’s consumed my thoughts and made me behave in ways that were distressing, embarrassing, humiliating, and demoralizing. There have been many times when I’ve wondered why I’m here. I’ve thought I was worthless, and no one would miss me if I just gave up and slipped away somewhere. I know… to many people, listening to that kind of thinking is very tiresome, frustrating, and shitty. I have a friend from college who referred to that kind of self-pity as “brently”. I’ve written the story behind “brently” in my blog, and if you are the slightest bit curious, you can click here to read it.

Even though sometimes I get a little “brently”, I know it comes from depression… “stinkin’ thinkin'” that never leads to anywhere productive or positive. It used to be much worse, though. I was clinically depressed for many years before I finally did something about it, back in the late summer of 1998. It took a few months, but my psychiatrist found the right antidepressant for me, and it changed everything. I still get kind of blue and depressed sometimes, but not like I used to. I haven’t truly felt suicidal in many years. But, because I have experience with clinical depression, I understand where “Everybody Hurts” comes from. I also love the way The Corrs covered it. The key is nice for me, and their Celtic arrangement is lovely. I happened to have a backing track of their version of the song, so I decided to try it.

I think it turned out alright. I’m no sound engineer and don’t have the best equipment, but this is pretty solid for amateur work…

But there’s a different, much funnier reason why I decided to record this song today. It has to do with Armenia. Back in the summer of 1995, I was in Peace Corps training with 31 other people, many of whom were about my age. It was just a few years after REM’s album, Automatic For The People came out. Most of us were familiar with their work, and we were all pretty fed up with training.

Peace Corps training was 12 weeks long, and it was very grueling on many levels. It was extremely hot outside, and we had no air conditioning, because we usually had no power. We were doing our work on the ninth floor of a Soviet era building. We usually had to climb the stairs to get to our training sessions. The classrooms were uncomfortably warm and stuffy, and one person enjoyed removing their shoes during our afternoon sessions… It was one inspiration for learning how to say something “stinks” in Armenian.

One day during a training session, someone got a little snippy and cranky and snapped at someone else… I don’t even think it was me, although I definitely have a tendency to get snippy and cranky when the mood strikes. And one of my cohorts, a hilarious woman named Laurel quipped, “It’s the ninth week of training and ‘Everybody Hurts’.” That was all I needed to pull me out of the afternoon funk that often struck during those days in newly post Soviet Yerevan.

So, since I’ve been writing about Armenia this week, I decided today would be a good day to try “Everybody Hurts” and put the results on YouTube. I suspect it could be one of my more successful uploads. I’m not even much of an REM fan. I do like a lot of their songs, but I never worshiped them like some of my fellow Gen Xers did (and maybe still do). I think “Everybody Hurts” is a very consoling song, though… and there’s something moving about the vulnerable yet masculine way Michael Stipe sings it. However, I also love The Corrs’ more feminine styled version, and it probably suits me better than Stipe’s. So that’s the one I did…

I hope some of y’all enjoy it.

housekeeping tips, music, travel, YouTube

Being in hyper cleaning MODE!

I am not a super neat person in any sense of the word. I don’t like cleaning. I am not a filthy slob, mind you. I have a high bar for hygiene, and I am willing to do chores to keep my living space from being a health hazard. But I tend to be kind of lax about things like dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and making the bed.

Every once in awhile, though, I get inspired to clean. I start throwing things away, give everything a good run through the washing machine, dust, spritz, and just go into what I call “cleaning mode”. It doesn’t happen very often. Usually, I get into this state when something has either made me nervous, or I just suddenly get disgusted by something and decide it needs to be thoroughly cleaned. Once I get into cleaning mode, I tend to go on a pretty good tear and clean like a maniac for hours.

I’ve been up this morning since a little after 5:00 AM. I have a rash on my torso, and I’m not sure what it’s from. Reading about the current bedbug scourge has given me the heebie jeebies, especially since we just took a trip to Czechia. Most of the press indicates that Paris has a big bedbug problem right now, but the truth is, they’ve become a worldwide scourge. I don’t know if we have the little bloodsucking pests in our house. Bill says he isn’t itchy. For all I know, I have a rash because of some other reason.

I am allergic to dust mites, and God knows there are a lot of those in my house. Still, the idea of bugs eating me when I sleep has put me in cleaning mode. So, for the past couple of hours, I’ve worked up a good sweat cleaning my bedroom. I completely stripped the bed, did my best to vacuum under it, moved the nightstands and vacuumed and dusted them, and I’ve been spraying everything with bedbug killer/repellent, which is probably a waste of time.

ARGHHH! Glad we went to France last year…

I know it’s probably a lost cause. If we do have bedbugs, we’ll probably need an exterminator. But it makes me feel better to declutter, dust, and get rid of stuff. I hate vacuuming, but I do appreciate seeing all the dog hair and dust when I dump the canisters on my vacuum cleaners.

We also have plans to go into Wiesbaden today and pick up two of our freshly framed paintings from the Czech Republic. We will order framing for the other one, which is supposed to have been stretched. I suspect when we get back from Armenia, we might have more art that needs to be framed.

Tomorrow night at 6:10 PM, we’ll be on our way to Vienna, where we’ll board another plane at about 10:00 PM and take an overnight flight to Yerevan. Actually, it’ll only take about three hours… but Armenia is three hours ahead of us. So, when we land, it’ll be 1:40 AM in Germany, and 4:40 AM in Yerevan. And then, we’ll have to find a cab to take us to our hotel, which is so far not impressing me with its lack of communication. That’s probably another reason why I’m in cleaning mode. I’m a bit nervous about this trip. I think it’ll go fine, but I don’t know what to expect. I guess that could be said for anything, though.

I’m glad it’s raining today. It makes me want to clean more, even if it’s a lost cause…

I made a couple of new videos last night, in honor of our 21st wedding anniversary… Have a look if you’re so inclined.

I did this duet with some random Eastern European guy on I’d do it with Bill, but he can’t sing.
I had so much fun doing the first duet, that I did another one… This guy sounds more like Michael Buble.

Both of these videos could use a few hits… I think someone got turned off by my raunchy parody, “I’d Love To Go Down On You”. I lost a subscriber. But then when I made it unlisted, someone complained! So I made the parody public again… It IS kind of funny, as long as you’re not a prude.

Well, I better get back to my laundry. I think it’s going to take all day. Then I have to vacuum. Joy of joys…

celebrities, music, narcissists, obits

“I just want something I can never have…”

It’s a rainy Sunday morning here in Germany. Bill is getting ready to leave for another TDY trip to Bavaria. I’m sitting here contemplating how I’m going to fill the next ten days or so. I’m hoping to be in the mood to make some music, since we’re going to go on a trip and I’ll be AFK for awhile. Not that anybody notices when I don’t post YouTube videos… but since I’ve been posting regularly lately, I’d like to keep doing that, for as long as I’m able. I enjoy making the videos, and some people seem to like them.

I’ve also started reading Britney Spears’ book, and I expect I’ll cruise through it rather quickly. I’m not a Britney fan, in terms of her music or movies. I think she’s talented, though, and she has an interesting story. I can’t say she’s a great writer, but no one can be good at everything, right? Anyway, I look forward to writing a review of her book, The Woman in Me. I have a lot of sympathy for her. I grew up with an alcoholic father, too.

I was sorry to hear about the passing of Richard Moll, who played Bull Shannon on Night Court in the 80s. He was 80 years old, though, so it’s not like his death was tragic. I almost renamed Noyzi after Bull… they are somewhat similar in nature. I decided not to, because Noyzi had already been through so much in his life, and he knows his name so well.

I woke this morning to read about Matthew Perry’s sudden death. I do think his passing is tragic; however, after reading and reviewing his memoir last December, I’m not at all surprised that he’s dead. He had some very serious drug and alcohol problems that led to devastating health issues. I know the news reported that it looks like he drowned, but I suspect he had some kind of catastrophic medical event that caused the drowning. It’s just too bad that he was apparently alone when it happened, so there was no one who could even try to help him. I’m sure we’ll learn more about what happened in the coming days. He was much too young to die. Maybe it’s time I watched Friends. I never did when it was popular. His book was just released on November 1, 2022. Less than a year later, he’s dead. 🙁

In my review of Perry’s book, I wrote this as my final paragraph. I pretty much called it, didn’t I?

I’m glad that Perry knows he has a problem and is working on fixing it. I’m even happier to know that he realizes what excessive drug and alcohol use has cost him, on so many levels– from girlfriends (or potential wives, which he’s said he’s always wanted), to the chance to have children, to millions of dollars of his money, to his health. I understand that he has an illness, and that being an addict doesn’t inherently make him a bad person, even if it can cause him to act in ways that are disappointing, dangerous, or deranged. I feel empathy for him… but I think I feel even more for those who love him. And I wouldn’t call this book a triumph, either, because he hasn’t been sober for very long, at this writing. So we’ll see what happens. I do wish him the best, and I hope this time, sobriety works for him. Otherwise, he could be among the celebrity deaths we’ll read about in 2023 or 2024…

Kinda eerie, right?

Moving on… about today’s post title…

Back in 1988, the world was introduced to Nine Inch Nails courtesy of the album, Pretty Hate Machine. I didn’t discover this album myself until I was a college freshman in 1990. I ended up really liking it. There was a song on there that especially resonated, especially when I was feeling depressed. The song is called “Something I Can Never Have.”

I won’t lie. As a much older woman today, I still relate to this song… I’ll bet a lot of people do.

Below are the lyrics…

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head ’til I don’t want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then, I couldn’t do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on and tell me!

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

Source: Musixmatch

Was Trent Reznor singing about another person? Or was he singing about himself? I read on that the song was about an ex girlfriend, but I can see how it could also be a song about himself. I can’t say that as a young woman, I had too much unrequited love. I did have some crushes, but it’s not like I had boyfriends. Even the guys I crushed on weren’t people I had super deep feelings for. Still, this song resonated with me. Maybe it was the melody, which is haunting and serious. Maybe it’s the way Trent sings the song, with angry emotion and profound disappointment.

That’s how I felt about myself a lot of the time, when I was really young. Nowadays, I don’t feel quite that terrible. I haven’t felt that terrible since before I took Wellbutrin and got my brain chemicals sorted. I still experience depression, but not like I used to– and I don’t cry as much as I used to. I do get angry, though, and sometimes I feel disappointed, even though I have a pretty nice life.

I reflect on Matthew Perry’s life and death. He was a man who was very blessed– lots of talent, money, good looks, success, friends, Friends, and beautiful women in his life. But he also endured his share of bad times and crises, and he was an addict. I don’t know what drove his need to keep abusing substances, nor do I know if he was sober when he died yesterday. But there was something deep inside of him that drove him to numb himself with substances– to extreme levels. He was supposedly sober last year, when he released his book. I’d be interested in knowing if he was sober this year, too. It just goes to show you that sometimes even people who appear to be hugely blessed can be tragically alone… as Perry apparently was when his assumed accidental drowning happened.

I was inspired to write this post by something dumb Ex posted on Twitter. Someone had posted a picture of Outlander actor, Sam Heughan, under an umbrella at the beach on a sunny day. I don’t watch Outlander myself, and I don’t care a whit about Sam Heughan. But Ex is a super fan, and she follows a bunch of people on Twitter who are also fans. Sometimes, she comments on the crap they post.

The person who shared the photo of Sam Heughan wrote, “I wonder who’s holding the camera? Or is it any of my business? Not really!” and hashtagged the actor. And Ex, in her usual dipshit way, posted this:

Freudenfreude? Really, Ex?

I was curious about the concept of Freudenfreude, since I had never heard of it before today. I thought maybe it was something she had fabricated. But, no… actually, there is such a thing as Freudenfreude. The New York Times even wrote an article about it last year. Somehow, I missed this stunning piece of journalism, even though I’m a longtime subscriber. Not surprisingly, Freudenfreude is the opposite of Schadenfreude, which is the unexpected happiness at the misfortune of others. Freudenfreude means finding pleasure in other people’s successes and good fortune.

Ex doesn’t have an altruistic or generous bone in her body. She just posts this crap for all the strangers she hopes to impress on social media. If Ex were the type of person who could experience Freudenfreude, she would never have abused and neglected her family members the way she has. My husband would not have literal and figurative scars from his time with her. My husband’s daughter would not have nightmares about having to deal with her mother.

This shit is just a facade Ex puts out there, complete with an @ or a hashtag, to prop up her image to the unaware. She’s always got feelers out for new victims who can give her the fuel she craves. This is what narcissists do, and Ex, I strongly believe, is a narcissist. She draws people in with love bombing, tries to get them under control, then inevitably discards them when they can’t fulfill her endless needs. After she discards them, she blames them for everything that went wrong.

I do indulge in an ironic laugh, though, thinking about Ex being “happy” for Sam Heughan, having something she can never have. I’m sure whenever she thinks about the men of her past– especially Bill– she might relate to a song like “Something I Can Never Have”. And when she can’t have something, she paints it black. Ex could have had a really nice life with Bill, if she weren’t a narcissist. But, I guess she can’t help it… nor can she hide what’s inside.

I also know that even if she had what Sam has, it would never be enough for her. Just like everything Matthew Perry had wasn’t enough for him… although I don’t know if Perry was a narcissist. He was definitely an addict, though, and addicts have some similarities to narcissists. But addicts can be rehabilitated if they’re willing… narcissists, I fear, can’t be rehabilitated.

So even if Ex someday has the chance to sit under a yellow umbrella at the beach, with money, fame, and plenty of adoring fans, she’ll still covet whatever else she thinks might possibly fill her empty soul. Like any addict, she always wants more.

I don’t believe Ex is capable of “Freudenfreude”, but I do think that if she spent less time reading about gimmicky psychobabble concepts and tweeting at celebrities, and more time working to pay off her debts and improve her finances, she might get closer to living the dream. It will never happen, though. So I guess she’s doomed to gaze with envy at people who have something she can never have. I’m definitely not buying her claim of reveling in Heughan’s success. Not that it matters.

Anyway, time to wrap up this post. Gotta see if we can carve jack o’lanterns before Bill goes off to Bavaria again. Have a nice Sunday.