funny stories, true crime

Repost: Dumb criminals getting their asses kicked while trying to commit crimes…

This is a REPOST from January 2019. I am reposting it because it’s funny, and I’m in serious need of a good laugh. I need a reminder of when not everyfuckingthing was about COVID-19 and the end of humanity. The links to the stories still work, so I encourage you to read up on these two hilarious cases if you feel so inclined.

Pro tip to all you criminals out there:  If you try to abduct someone and they break free and run into a karate dojo, you should probably just cut your losses.


This morning over breakfast, Bill shared with me a hilarious news story.  It seems that drug influenced 46 year old August Williams decided to try to abduct a woman in north Charlotte, North Carolina.  The woman broke free from his grasp as he tried to force her into a car.  She ran into a karate dojo, where Sensei Randall Ephraim was finishing up classes for the day.  It was just before 9:00pm on Thursday night.  A few kids were there, waiting to be picked up by their parents, and a few adult students were cleaning.

The woman suddenly shouted that a man was trying to kidnap her.  Dumbass Williams had followed the woman into the dojo.  I don’t know if he knew he was running into a karate school, as he was allegedly high on substances.  Clearly he didn’t realize what was about to happen.  

Sensei Ephraim asked Williams to leave, but he refused.  At that point, the karate instructor dealt with the trespasser accordingly.  Apparently, Williams is a very strong and powerful guy and was “difficult” to fight.  Nevertheless, he left the scene in an ambulance and was then taken to jail.

Now… I don’t know why Williams was trying to kidnap the woman.  She claims she didn’t know him at all.  Also, I’m sure when this was happening, it was not a laughing matter.  The woman was probably scared shitless.  I know would have been.  Still, what luck for this to happen near a karate school!  I’m sure it never crossed Williams’ mind that karate would be his undoing when he tried to force the woman into a car.   

Williams also continued fighting with police officers as they wrestled with him.  I’m sure he will be off to the clink before too long.  Whatever he was on must have been some genuine shit.

One thing I noticed in the news story, as well as from watching an old episode of Intervention, is that some people really enjoy using formal words when less formal language will do.  These are the same people who commit what I like to refer to as “reflexive pronoun abuse“.  You know what I mean?  For instance, instead of saying something like “Please get back to John or me if you need help.”, they’ll say something like, “Please contact John or myself if you need assistance.”

I have my theories as to why some people do this.  I think some folks think it makes them sound more educated.  It’s too bad we don’t do a better job teaching English to people in the United States.  While I love a good fifty cent word, particularly when the meaning of the word is perfect for what is being communicated, it’s important to know how to use the word.  And using formal, multi-syllabic words when simpler ones will do is not a good example of better communication.  The main idea is to get your point across quickly and effectively.  If a person has to wade through your high-falutin’ words to figure out what you’re trying to say, you’re not communicating as well.  Or, at least that’s my unimportant opinion.

Anyway, I’m glad Sensei Ephraim was there to save the day.  August Williams needs to cool his heels in jail for awhile and think about what he tried to do… and has already done.  And those of you who are inclined to follow him into his criminal lifestyle, might want to pay attention to where you’re going if your victim breaks free and dashes into a building.  I don’t know if the outcome would have been the same if the lady had run into a 7 Eleven or something.  Or, maybe it would have.  Sounds like a good idea for a short story.

In related news, I also read about the bum in Florida who assaulted a McDonald’s employee over a straw.  Stupid dipfuck Daniel Taylor was in a St. Petersburg, Florida McDonald’s on January 3rd.  He was evidently upset that there weren’t any straws at the drink station, so he complained about it to the cashier.  Yasmin James, the cashier, told Taylor that Florida law does not allow restaurant employees to put straws out for the public.  They must be requested.  

Taylor then reached over, grabbed 20 year old James and tried to yank her over the counter.  James, a former boxer, then proceeded to repeatedly punch the fuck out of the guy.  I don’t generally enjoy violence, but I must admit to cheering James on as she defended herself against this asshole. Check YouTube for a video of said ass kicking.

Then, once the two were split apart, Taylor had the nerve to demand that James get fired!  Fortunately, a woman happened to capture the attack on video, and Taylor was later arrested.  He’s another one who needs to sit in jail for awhile.  Good for Yasmin James for not taking that guy’s abuse.  

I love a good ass kicking story.