divorce, Ex, lessons learned, mental health, psychology, YouTube

“Kicking the cat…” What happens when anger is displaced…

Many years ago, when I was a college student at what is now Longwood University, I took a course called Interpersonal Communication. I took it because I was pursuing minors in both speech and communications, and the course counted for both minors. I don’t remember being particularly excited about the class when I signed up for it, but it turned out to be an interesting field of study. I remember it to be an examination of how people communicate in different settings, and while it was not a psychology class, certain psychological terms and concepts were covered. In fact, even though I took Psychology 101 during my freshman year, I distinctly remember learning about the concept of psychological projection for the first time in my Interpersonal Communication course. It was also in that class that I first learned about “displaced anger”.

Although Dr. Nancy Anderson Haga, the professor who taught that class, has long since retired, I remember that she was among the very first professors I met at Longwood when I was a fresh high school graduate attending orientation. I was struck by how energetic, caring, and positive she was. Then a couple of years later, when I was about 20 years old, I was in her class, and she was teaching us about how we communicate with each other. I didn’t know then that one of her lessons would come back to me in bold relief, two weeks before my 50th birthday.

Last night, Bill watched a video his younger daughter sent to him. She was thanking him for a box of goodies he sent to her, with stuff we picked up on recent trips to France and Italy, as well as some very superior German chocolate. In the course of the video, younger daughter talked about how much she loves to cook. Bill also loves to cook. So do I… or, at least I did before Bill took over the job. I used to be a great cook, and always enjoyed it because it was a creative activity. There’s an art to making something taste good, look appetizing, and be nurturing. Actually, I’m not that good at making “pretty food”, but I am pretty good at making food that is comforting. Bill is also good at that, and he’s also a fan of good presentation. He’s been known to plate our dinners with flair.

Younger daughter talked about how one of her in-laws really loves fresh bread, and he likes to have it at every meal. She likes to bake, so she was thinking she might like to make some bread to take over to her husband’s family’s house. I like to bake bread too, especially when I’m in a bad mood and need to pound the shit out of something. Bread baking is great for that.

As she was talking about baking rolls from scratch, younger daughter stated that she wasn’t always sure if people appreciated her efforts. Then her face got very serious and pained, and she said, “The only person who has ever complained about my cooking is my mother.”

One time, she asked Bill if her mother (Ex) had ever complained about his cooking. Bill had replied, “Of course. All the time!” As he was telling me about talking to his daughter about this, he laughed. But I can imagine that when Ex criticized his cooking, it probably really hurt his feelings. Here he had taken the time and expended the effort to make something nourishing for his ex wife, and her only thought was to disdain it in a mean way. Younger daughter then related a story that, frankly, I found heartbreaking. I could also see that telling us the story was making her feel bad anew, even though the incident had happened years ago.

Younger daughter and her older sister were tasked to cook for the whole family. If they didn’t cook, food wouldn’t be made, and someone would probably get into trouble. She explained that Ex and #3 were going through a particularly lean financial period. Consequently, there was very little food in the house. And yet, it was younger daughter’s implied duty to make dinner every night. There she was, faced with the task of making dinner for seven people, but there simply wasn’t much food in the house to accomplish that goal.

Younger daughter looked around to see what there was on hand to make dinner. She found frozen pie crust, instant mashed potatoes, some frozen vegetables, and a single chicken breast. Perfect! She could make a shepherd’s pie, of sorts. That would have been what both Bill and I would have done in that situation. It was quite genius, and she was able to make something edible and probably even tasty.

Younger daughter put together the pie, and was feeling pretty good and accomplished. Then Ex came home from wherever she’d been during the day. Younger daughter proudly presented the pie she had created out of the few ingredients in the house. Ex’s response was to declare it disgusting, refuse to eat, and lock herself in her bedroom for the rest of the evening.

I could tell that relating that story was very painful for younger daughter. But then she brightened and said she was grateful for where she is now. Ex no longer has the power over her that she once had. Like Bill, younger daughter was able to escape the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). But the scars remain, and I know how that feels. Sometimes, old memories still come up that bring on the pain from the past.

Of course, Bill was pretty angry when he heard that story. I don’t know exactly when the incident happened, but it sounds like it might have occurred when Ex was still being paid child support. I believe younger daughter got the hell out of her mother’s house as soon as she could after turning 18. Either way, it was Ex’s responsibility to see that there was food in the house, and to make sure her children had enough to eat. Complicating matters was the fact that she wouldn’t allow Bill to help his daughters. She was too angry with him for that. We didn’t know this was going on, because they couldn’t and wouldn’t talk to Bill during that time. If Bill had known about this, he would have taken action. In retrospect, we should have taken action when she refused to let him communicate with his kids, but it seemed like it would have been a waste of time, since they were teenagers.

And that’s where the lesson about “displaced anger” comes into play. I remember learning about the concept in that college class at Longwood, and that’s why I titled this post “kicking the cat”. Displaced anger– otherwise known as “misplaced anger”– is when a person deals with their anger by directing it at a less threatening cause. It can take different forms. For instance, a person who was raised in an abusive home, with a parent who beat them, might try to soothe themselves by saying that it was okay that their parent hit them, since “that was how things were back in the day”. Or they might say, “he or she was just trying to make me tougher.” Meanwhile, the righteous anger is boiling under the surface, and it comes out against someone or something that is less able to fight back.

I remember in my Interpersonal Communication class, as she was explaining “displaced anger”, Dr. Haga talked about a man who comes home from work, angry with his boss for acting like a jerk. Instead of addressing the jerk boss, since that doesn’t feel like a safe thing to do, the man kicks his cat. Or he gets drunk and verbally abusive, and beats on his wife. Or he snaps at his daughter that the dinner she made looks and tastes like shit. Or maybe, if he’s a really sick and violent person, he takes the family dog out to the desert and shoots it (sadly, I do remember hearing and writing about a man who did this when he was angry with his wife).

It doesn’t matter that expressing anger in this way is harmful to innocent people or animals. The anger feels like it has to come out, and it doesn’t feel possible for the man to direct it toward the appropriate person, so the man directs it at individuals who seem weaker and less threatening. I grew up in a home where I often got abused by angry people– especially my dad and one of my sisters. They would often take their anger out on me, because I was the youngest and, at least for a long time, the weakest. Usually, the anger doesn’t really dissipate, though, especially when there are consequences for expressing anger in such a way. I will also admit that I have expressed anger inappropriately by directing it toward the wrong source. I now try to do better, as much as I’m able. Therapy is a good thing.

Last week, I wrote a post about how I’ve gotten hooked on Code Blue Cam, a YouTube channel devoted to police work. In a lot of the videos, the perpetrators who get busted are clearly mentally ill or under the influence of something. A lot of times, they are also very angry and agitated. I watched a video this morning that featured a man who was extremely belligerent and defiant. The police were trying to be kind and helpful, but this man was consumed with rage. He was extremely abusive toward the police, as well as the civilians who were involved in the altercation which caused the police to be summoned in the first place.

This video begins with a drunk woman who gets hauled off to jail, but it ends with the belligerent man, whose tone goes from extremely rude and defiant, to desperate and pleading.

I found the above video kind of hard to watch… but it was also kind of fascinating, because before the guy was put in handcuffs, he was a complete asshole. I sat there wondering what in the world had happened to him that had caused him to seethe with so much rage. But then, when he was finally arrested and placed in handcuffs, his tone became pathetic. He openly said on more than one occasion that he hoped the police would just shoot him. This is a miserable person with deep problems and a lot of unprocessed anger, which was coming out inappropriately. It wasn’t that different than Ex being nasty to younger daughter for making something she didn’t want to eat for dinner.

Another video, this time involving young men who were in deep trouble and expressing negativity in a destructive way. One of the young men openly expresses disappointment in himself and how his life has turned out… and says he wishes the cops would kill him. He obviously needs help.

Maybe the teens in the above video were trying to be manipulative. I think the guy in the first video was very manipulative, and if these two young guys in the above video don’t get some real help, they will wind up like him and either spend a lot of time in prison or get themselves killed. But I could hear real anguish in their voices. Bad things happened to them that led them to where they are now, and unfortunately, they weren’t able to find the kind of help they needed to avoid ending up on the wrong side of the law.

I have no doubt in my mind that Ex has experienced some really terrible things in her life. I know that she suffered horrific abuse when she was growing up. I’m pretty certain that she’s an extremely angry person, and that anger stems from the people in her life who failed her when she was a child. I think she’s also angry with Bill. He probably had her thinking he could heal her and solve her problems. Bill is a very kind, nurturing, loving and gentle person. I know this for a fact, because I’m his second wife. He doesn’t have a mean or violent bone in his body. However, like most people, he does have a red line, and if you cross it, he’ll be done with you. I think Ex thought she would never reach that red line, because he is such a kind and patient man. But she did reach it, and he decided he was done. So, when she presented divorce papers to him in a very dramatic and manipulative drama held over Easter at Bill’s dad’s house, she never expected that he would agree that their marriage was over and offer to sign the papers. He went off script.

Ex was expecting Bill to say, “No, we won’t have any of that…” and try even harder to please her. That was what he’d done in the past. But, after almost ten years, he was just done. He had gotten away from her toxic influence while they were separated, and realized that there’s life beyond divorce. He found out that he didn’t have to live the way he’d been living. He knew he wouldn’t be alone, and that being broke was temporary. So he called her bluff, and fucked up her vision of what was supposed to happen. She had to adjust, and I think wound up with someone who was even less suitable for her. But she’s smart enough not to threaten divorce with #3, because it’s doubtful she’d find a #4. Or, at least she won’t be able to hook someone by having kids with them.

But she was still left with two tangible remnants from their marriage– their two daughters. So she decided to keep the girls away from Bill, as a means of punishing him for “abandoning” her. At the same time, she treated them particularly badly, because they probably remind her of Bill. As younger daughter got older, she started to develop the same kind of self-preservation skills that Bill has. She started to go off script, and she rebelled. Ex responded by being inappropriately angry. She “kicked the cat”– in this case, younger daughter– instead of finding a healthier and more appropriate outlet for her rage. Instead of being grateful that younger daughter had managed to cobble together dinner with very few ingredients, which were ultimately Ex’s responsibility to provide, Ex was angry and mean. And now, I think she’s paying a price, since it’s obvious that younger daughter is now alienated from her mom.

Younger daughter ended her video call on a happy note. She said she was so grateful to the other people in her life who are kind and considerate. She even said she was grateful to me, of all people. That made me feel really good. For years, I was angry with her and her sister, because I know their dad, and I know he was “kicked” by Ex for years. Now I have empathy for them, because I know they’ve felt the pain from Ex’s proverbial shoe, too. They have been on the receiving end of her misplaced anger. Thankfully for younger daughter, she’s managed to develop the skills to get out of the strike zone. Unfortunately, I’m afraid the people who have chosen to stay around Ex are paying for the independence of those who have left. I can only hope that someday, older daughter will get out of the strike zone, too.

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housekeeping tips, reviews

Repost: Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill Cakes…

Here’s a repost from March 6, 2014, which was also an Epinions repost of a review I wrote in September 2006. I am reposting it because it made me a lot of money on Epinions, and because it had a ton of hits on my original blog. And because I am trying to salvage as many of my old reviews as I can… It may be irrelevant today, but what the hell… maybe someone is interested. Here it is, mostly as/is.

From 2014: This was another lucrative Epinions review that needs a new home.  I must admit, I don’t use these pans anymore, but people loved this review.  I see the price has doubled since I purchased the Bake n’ Fill pans!

In 2021: I left these pans in storage. If I still had them, maybe I might make a project out of baking a cake… however, Bill and I never finish most baked goods. We like them, but our household is just too small!

One of the ads that inspired my purchase.

I watch too much TV. I like to bake. I also spend too much time on the Internet. It was combination of those three elements of my life that led me to buy a Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill bake set. Since I don’t have kids and rarely entertain, there’s really no other reason why I’d be interested in purchasing this product. Nevertheless, I’d seen the low budget ad on TV many times, watching as some faceless woman made beautiful, tempting cakes with cool looking layers in the middle. Inwardly, I oohed and ahhed every time I saw her make a cake that looked like a baseball or filled the inside of a chocolate cake with pudding or fruit. Secretly, I wanted to try making a cool looking cake, too.

Then, one day when I was online, an acquaintance of mine mentioned that she’d gone to the As Seen On TV store at her local mall and bought a set so that she and her toddler daughter could bake n’ fill some cakes together. Bingo! I remembered that there was an As Seen On TV store near my home, too. So I grabbed my husband, Bill, and off we went in search of the pans! I got to the store and looked around for several minutes before I finally saw the Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill bake set tucked away in a corner. Priced at just $19.99 plus tax, the pans were fairly economical. I went straight home to try them out.

The Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill deluxe bake set comes with four pans. There’s a tall pan, a base pan, a dome pan, and an insert pan. I should mention that the Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill bake set also comes in a classic version that only has three pans: tall, base, and insert. When I bought my set, the deluxe version was the only one available in the store. The tall pan reminds me of a bucket. The edges of the base are rounded. The dome pan looks kind of like the end of an egg. It’s rounded on top, so that you can make cakes that are round like balls. The base pan looks just like a shallow cake pan, and the insert pan, which connects to either the dome or tall pans, is basically like a small dome pan with a shelf around it. The insert pan is probably the most important part of the set. You hook it to a larger pan full of batter and it displaces the batter so that you have a hollow area in the main part of your cake. You can also use the insert pan to bake smaller cakes to fill in that hollow area.

After washing all of the components of the set, I decided I wanted to try to make Baked Alaska. The handy instruction booklet that came with the set had a recipe for it, as well as recipes for other cakes. Naturally, the manufacturers want you to use Betty Crocker cake mixes when you use these pans. I prefer to bake from scratch, though, so that’s what I did. I also made my own ice cream for the center. As with all cake pans, it’s important to make sure you grease and flour these pans generously so that the finished products don’t stick.

I followed the instructions for Baked Alaska using the dome cake pan and the insert pan. That part of the process came off without a hitch. I filled the dome pan up to the fill line, screwed on the insert pan, baked the cake, and when it was done and cool, had a perfectly formed hollowed out dome that was ready to be filled with ice cream. Let me state here that it’s very important not to fill the pans past the fill line; if you do, the pans will overflow.

The next part of the process was a little more troublesome. I don’t know why, but the instructions didn’t tell me to make a base cake for the bottom of the Baked Alaska. I wanted to follow instructions, so I didn’t make a base cake on my own. Anyone who’s had Baked Alaska knows that it’s usually covered with meringue, which has to be browned in the oven. After filling my dome cake with ice cream, I flipped it over on to a cookie sheet, covered it with meringue, and stuck it in the oven at 400 degrees. And what happened? You guessed it… there was a big mess! I had better luck the next time I used the pans. I made a base cake, used pudding for the filling and the tall cake pan for the top, and it turned out fine, except I didn’t quite fill the hollow area with enough pudding. I had a little space between the pudding and the cake. I’m sure with practice, I’ll eventually get the process right. I just don’t have enough people in my household to eat all the mistakes!

Making a Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill cake is a process that generally requires planning and patience, depending on how fancy you want to get with your creations. Not only do you have to consider all of the different flavors you want to use for the cake, the center, and the frosting and decorations, but you also have to realize that the different parts of the cake will take different lengths of time to bake. For instance, it will take longer to bake the tall cake with the insert pan than it will to bake the base cake. That’s because the tall cake is bigger. You also have to consider what you want to use for the filling. Do you want to use a different flavor cake? Ice cream? Pudding, custard, or mousse? Fruit? Candy? The sky’s the limit, but you do have to plan first, or you will end up with a mess!

I’m not the most patient person in the world, but I imagine someone who doesn’t mind waiting for and planning their bake n’ fill cakes carefully will not be displeased with the results. While I didn’t have the best luck using the recipes in the instruction booklet, I did like the way the instructions were laid out for actually using the pans. They are well made and surprisingly solid, especially considering the price. I have no trouble cleaning them after using them, and I’ve also never had a problem with cakes sticking to the pans. I wish I could say the same thing about my fancy Calphalon cake pans!

So, the upshot of this review is that the Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill cake pans do work and it is quite possible to make cool looking cakes with them. However, bear in mind that making those cakes will take time, patience, and creativity. If you like to bake from scratch, you’ll have to be somewhat brave, since the recipes in the booklet are designed to work with cake mixes. And, also, since the set consists of four odd shaped pans, you might have to make some extra room in your cabinets for them. I don’t know how often I’ll be using my set… maybe if I ever have kids, if I ever entertain, or if I get bored on a rainy day. But for $19.99 plus tax, the Betty Crocker Bake n’ Fill bake set is not a bad addition to my kitchen equipment.

ETA 2021: I see these pans are no longer available on Amazon. If you want them, you might want to check eBay.

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