Tag Archives: being bored

Bill, funny stories, love, marriage

A funny thing happened on the way to Tübingen…

It’s Monday again, and Bill and I are hanging out in our deserted hotel. I mentioned in the previous post that there isn’t enough staff to run the hotel, so they closed it until tomorrow (which is a holiday in Germany, anyway). Because we rented an “apartment” (which actually looks more like a former suite with a kitchenette), we were allowed to stay and self-cater. The lobby is closed, but we can come and go through the garage and a side door with a chip activated key.

Yesterday was an amazing day. I described it briefly in my travel blog. We visited a different type of cave– one that is only opened on the first Sunday of the warm months– and we visited another cave site and had lunch. We didn’t go into the other cave, as we’ve seen it before. Instead, we just people watched and enjoyed beautiful weather and scenery. We also met another couple, who were curious as to what we were doing there. Caves don’t usually attract Americans, I guess.

Today, we’ll go into Stuttgart and have some lunch, then see our dentist. I’m sure the dentist will be shocked by the big hole in Bill’s mouth. He lost a tooth in August and had to have it extracted by a different dentist, since our regular one was on vacation. After that, we’ll head back for our last night in this beautiful old college town, then head out on our fall vacation to Czechia. I’m sure there will be lots of conversation, as there was a couple of days ago.

Saturday morning, as we were heading down here, I was talking about how I spent last week, while Bill was in Bavaria. I mentioned that I got really bored one day and ended up watching a really disgusting, but apparently legal, porn video. Bill looked amused as I explained. I said, “Well, it was a really dull afternoon, and I was missing you…”

So I started to describe the video to Bill, who was nodding his head and saying, “Uh huh, uh huh… Yeah, I know.”

And I laughed and said, “Oh, so you’ve seen that one?”

That made him bust out laughing. “No!” he protested, “I haven’t seen it, but I’ve seen enough of those types of videos to know where this description is going.”

I didn’t even watch the whole video because it was just too gross for me. If the truth be told, I don’t like watching those kinds of videos because they’re either boring or disturbing. I don’t enjoy watching graphic sex scenes, especially when they’re kind of violent, as that one was. So I only lasted about two or three minutes before I moved on to something less obscene. I’d much rather read something or even write something stimulating myself, than watch a video that is poorly acted, full of nothing but mechanics or acrobatics, or liable to give me nightmares.

I did think it was funny, though, that Bill and I could have an honest conversation about that video and end up laughing. We really are good friends, as much as we are husband and wife. And we always somehow manage to have a good time together, no matter what. Like, for instance, yesterday’s excursion… which ended up consisting of visiting a much less physically challenging cave, seeing some beautiful natural settings in gorgeous fall weather, meeting new people, and watching a huge flock of sheep being driven to a new pasture. It was kind of magic… and amazing that we could share it together. I’m grateful for the time I have with Bill. He is a wonderful partner– the perfect partner for me.

I’m ready to get back on the road tomorrow. I’ve been looking forward to visiting the Czech Republic again. It’s an amazing country, with a lot to see, neat people, good food and beer, and lots of art to buy. Or, at least there was the last time we visited. I want to buy some new stuff to put on our walls.

I don’t look forward to seeing the dentist today, but once it’s over, we can focus on having a lot of fun. I’ve been missing fun lately. And these kinds of trips are what really keep us over her, anyway. I love doing deep dives into Europe, and visiting places where most Americans never have a chance to go. Best yet, these trips keep me busy, so I don’t end up watching videos that Bill can describe without having seen them.

He did say he couldn’t wait to tell his therapist about that conversation. I’m sure the guy will get a huge kick out of it. He told Bill that I probably represent the most stable relationship he’s ever had in his life. I could probably say the same thing about Bill. He loves and accepts me for who I am. In fact, he actually prefers me to be who I am, even if I do sometimes venture onto questionable Web sites when I get bored. Anyway… at least I’m still interested in sex, right?

Featured photo was taken yesterday near the Nebelhohle (Mist Cave). I miss living near a lush forest. Especially at this time of year.

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karma, lessons learned, musings, narcissists

When “obsessed fans” are also obsessed with their own privacy…

Wednesday has arrived, and my nose has finally stopped acting like a faucet. So far– knock on wood– the skin under my nose isn’t completely destroyed. I’m a bit congested and tired. I slept for most of the afternoon yesterday, and then through the night, with one potty break. I ordered some tissues and ointment from Amazon, even though I live within walking distance of both a pharmacy and a grocery store. I threw in some mini Reese’s Cups to boost my morale, although maybe I should shop for a new Apple Watch. 😉

I am experienced enough with life to know that I should hold off on being too optimistic. Maybe this will turn out to be a brief cold, though. I hope it will. The weather is positively glorious in Germany this time of year. Very soon, it will turn to shit for months on end. I would like to enjoy the last days of summer 2023.

Last night, just to pass the time, I went Googling and soon ended up on LinkedIn. I haven’t used LinkedIn in years, and actually thought I’d deleted my account. But no, I do still exist on that site, albeit with a very naked profile using my maiden name. I went on the site because I was curious about someone I met only once in person, but who, along with his late wife, has had a profound effect on me since we moved to Germany. I don’t think I’ve ever written about him, mainly because I only met him the one time. I wasn’t all that impressed by him on that day in late August 2014. He’s former tenant’s husband, a guy who gave Bill a fake name and basically lied to our faces about how “wonderful” the landlords were.

I found him on LinkedIn last night, and for the first time since 2014, saw his face in a photo. He’s leaving the Army and looking for work. I would imagine retiring is now a necessity, given that he has a couple of kids to raise on his own. The specialized work he did required a lot of dangerous, classified travel to exotic lands. I took a look at his profile and passed it on to Bill, who basically deciphered it for me. Some of the words he was using were code for certain activities in the military… things that civilians wouldn’t necessarily understand at first glance, but Army folks know very well.

I didn’t spend a lot of time on LinkedIn, in spite of my curiosity. Seeing that guy’s profile just made me feel icky. I do wonder, though… I think it’s only natural.

Ever since I found out that former tenant died by her own hand last year, I’ve been left with all kinds of questions. I’m sure a lot of people might think that’s weird, or I’m just being nosy. I guess that’s a fair enough assessment. On the other hand, since she left me with this weird legacy, I figured I’m owed a little wonder. Thanks to her, I went through some pretty significant psychological trauma. Yet, I barely knew her. She knew– or thought she knew— a lot more about me than I did about her.

The only reason I even know about former tenant’s death, or have any questions about her whatsoever, is because for the four years we lived in our ex landlady’s house, she was monitoring my blogs. She had led me to believe she liked my travel blog, but she’d also found her way to my main blog, and she regularly took issue on the rare occasions that I wrote anything about ex landlady or the absolute psychological shitshow our time in that house eventually became. Former tenant would leave me blog comments, then delete them. Later, she unabashedly wrote that ex landlady’s daughter was also reading my blogs, as she chastised me for my content. In her last missive to me, she insinuated that I was “unhinged”. And yet, here I am still among the living, with no young children mourning my absence in their lives.

She shamed me over some fiction I’d written, but not yet had the chance to develop. She thought I was going to “trash” the family… who, frankly, totally would have deserved it. But, for the record, that wasn’t my plan at all. It was a fiction piece— yes, based on people I know, but most of the people who read this blog don’t even know me online, let alone off. And the story itself was a complete and obvious fabrication. Aside from that, she presumed I was writing about the ex landlady’s daughter; a woman I have never met in person, and whose first name I never even knew, until former tenant mentioned it in her final message. Ex landlady had never deigned to introduce me to her daughters. I guess she didn’t want me influencing them. 😉

Just because I’ve written snarky stories in the past, that doesn’t mean I ALWAYS write snarky stories. Moreover, the piece I’d started writing was barely developed. There was no outline to the story. It was maybe a page or two, with no significant plot development. I didn’t even know what the plot was, myself. It also never entered my mind that my actions in late 2018– in my new home– were of any concern whatsoever to a woman I had met one or two times in 2014. If I wasn’t “unhinged” at that point, I sure started to feel that way in February 2019, when it felt like I still had a “bug” in my home.

All the while, former tenant would stress how important her “privacy” was. She used different names for every comment, most of which she later deleted. She apparently assumed a lot about me, and what kind of person I am, simply by reading and judging my blog entries. I think she also wildly underestimated my intelligence, as it soon became obvious.

When former tenant was still living, I didn’t stalk her online. I didn’t so much as look her or her husband up on Google. I tried to be respectful of her privacy, even as she clearly had contempt for mine. I tolerated her complaints and even edited for her at least once or twice. Meanwhile, she must have been assuming I am a complete lunatic. I wouldn’t mind that so much if she’d kept it to just thinking I was crazy. Lots of people who don’t actually know me have thought that about me, over the years. But she was, apparently, sharing her thoughts about me with the landlady, and then later boldly admitting it to me, as she shamed me for having the nerve to be pissed. Somehow, this was all supposed to be my fault.

It all came to a head in February 2019, when I read that final private message from former tenant about how cruel and hurtful I was to her “friends”, and demanding to know what they had done to deserve such “mean” treatment from me. The reality is, they were the ones who were cruel to me. All I ever really wanted was to be left alone. You don’t have to like me, or even respect how I live my life. Just leave me alone. Otherwise, yes… I may be inspired to write about you in an ambiguous way. The difference is, you don’t have to read what I write. It’s a conscious choice– one that is usually brought about by being a nosy busybody with a complete lack of respect for boundaries.

Folks… the reality is, I didn’t actually write that much about ex landlady. I vented a couple of times toward the end of our tenancy, mainly because she was driving me crazy. She kept accusing me of doing things I didn’t do, yelling at me in my own home, and treating me like a five year old. She’d complain about ridiculous things, like a clump of dog hair in a doorway, declaring it “filth”. She’d show up unannounced when I wasn’t prepared to receive her, then look at me with disdain when I wasn’t dressed properly. She was extremely rude to Bill, and when we moved out, she tried to rip off our deposit as she declared us the worst tenants she’d ever had. She refused to negotiate over anything, and then threatened us when we had a lawyer write to her, reminding her of German law. She also falsely accused us of theft. And all of this was happening as we were losing our beloved Zane, one of the beagles who kept me sane when I lived in that house.

Meanwhile, former tenant got a pass, because they were “friends”, even though I know very well that at least some of the stuff ex landlady was complaining about were things that happened when she and her husband lived in the house. Fortunately, I DID have those blogs, which served as a record of events, since ex landlady never did a proper check in or check out between us. I also had photos and a few comments from former tenant that helped us prove our case when we later successfully sued ex landlady. So, we were vindicated in the end, although it still left me fuming at the violation and the gall they all had. It could have so easily gone the other way, with us stuck with the bill for upgrading ex landlady’s rental house and looking guilty.

Bill and I have had a few less than stellar renting experiences, but we have NEVER been treated with the level of disrespect and unfairness as we were when we left our last house. And never before did I have someone affiliated with a landlord or landlady monitoring and reporting on my blogs. Especially not someone who simultaneously demanded privacy for herself.

I’m pretty sure former tenant had people in her family monitoring my blogs, too. I could tell by hits I was getting from certain parts of the country, which stopped when the case was settled. I imagine she told her family and friends that I was some sort of mad blogger, trying to ruin people’s lives. That’s not true at all. I just enjoy writing, and I write about things that affect me. It’s sort of my vocation. She made me out to be some kind of crazy person, when all we were doing is asserting our rights to be treated fairly under German law. I’m sure to those people, Bill and I are just crooks who ripped off a kindly elderly couple in Germany. I guess it doesn’t really matter, since I’ll probably never meet those people, anyway. It still smarts a bit, though… because former tenant accused ME of spreading lies, when the opposite was true.

I tried really hard to block former tenant from my mind, but it was hard. The lawsuit took about 18 months to settle, mainly due to COVID. By then, it was around August 2021, months after we reached an agreement– our lawyer had to send former landlady another letter demanding payment, because after she agreed to settle, she never bothered to pay. Hopefully, the lawyer charged her for that letter, too. Former landlady finally sent the money to the lawyer, who then forwarded it to us. Pure contempt, straight to the end!

Once all that awful stuff was finally over, I tried to put it behind me, even though it was pretty infuriating and left me feeling violated on many levels. For three years, I had former tenant blocked on Facebook, and never so much as did an online search of her name. But then in late May last year, Bill told me something that made me curious. Since former tenant had worked for the same company Bill did, he noticed when she was no longer on the roster of employees. He also didn’t see her working for the government.

I decided to search her name on Google, just to see where she was. That’s when I found several detailed obituaries for her in at least two states, as well as a couple of memorial services on YouTube. She’d committed suicide several months earlier. So much for her privacy. She left behind her husband and two sons, as well as a host of family and friends who obviously loved and missed her, and grieved her decision to end her own life.

Here I am, years later, still ruminating on this. I think it’s because it’s September, and that was the month we moved into that house. I remember thinking from the get go that we may be in for a difficult time, but I was so glad to be back in Germany and settled somewhere. The summer of 2014 had been absolutely terrible for us. So I was just glad to be in a home, even if the former landlady had seemed obsessed with monitoring us and was very untrusting. Never did I ever conceive of being in the situation we found ourselves in a few years later.

As a person who likes to read and write stories, maybe some people can understand why this situation is still in my head. It reminds me of a Lifetime movie. All we wanted was a place to live. We ended up with a situation that I could probably turn into a made for TV movie screenplay, if I was so inclined… and maybe if it was the 90s, and people still watched such things on TV.

Sigh… well, at least it’s Wednesday, which means it’s a light chore day. Maybe I’ll find another diversion. I started reading a new book, which promises to be interesting and fun to review. And there’s always trashy TV. That might cause me less trouble than writing blog posts. 😉

Anyway… as my literature loving husband, Bill, likes to say, “Murder will out…” Or, maybe in this case, “Self-murder will out.”

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bad TV, Duggars, videos, YouTube

It’s Josh Duggar, not Josh DOO-gar…

Okay… since Bill is gone again, I’ve been filling my hours by watching lots of YouTube. As I’ve been watching, I’ve been shocked by how many people have been turning a buck by making live stream videos and shit. They clearly monetize their efforts, and judging by the sheer numbers of videos done about Josh Duggar, they must be making some bank. Which brings me to the title of today’s post…

I ran into this guy’s video this morning. I don’t know a thing about him, but I had to stop watching after hearing him mispronounce Josh’s last name three or four times within just a minute or two. At this point, I don’t know if Scott Reisch means to be taken seriously, or this is just a joke.

This guy, Scott Reisch, made this video called “Crime Talk Busy Docket Friday: How Much Trouble is Josh Duggar Really In?” to talk about Josh Duggar. But you can see Josh’s name is misspelled on the thumbnail above, and within just a few minutes of talking, Reisch keeps mispronouncing the Duggar name, saying “Doo-gar”, accent on the first syllable. I can see in the comments that some people find this mispronunciation funny. Personally, it makes me think Reisch is unprofessional and probably doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he were a real journalist, he’d get the name right. If he were an expert in crime talk, he’d also get the name right… and well, it just grates to hear him fuck up a name that has been all over the news for over a week now, not to mention all over reality TV for years.

On the other hand, I’m glad to know there’s at least one person who doesn’t know the Duggars. Maybe there’s hope that Josh will get a fair trial, if it comes down to that (and it probably will). But if Scott Reisch doesn’t know Josh’s name, how can I expect he knows anything about the case or take him seriously? And why would I want to spend my time generating ad revenue listening to that, especially when hearing the mispronunciation is so annoying to a stickler like me?

I also discovered Emily D. Baker’s channel. Emily D. Baker, as you might know, does the Lawyer Reacts channel on YouTube, and she covers legal issues of all kinds. I kept seeing her videos suggested and, last night, finally decided to actually view one to hear what she had to say about Josh. I kind of liked Emily’s video, although it ran for over two hours. She was a prosecutor for some time and is still now a licensed attorney, although I get the sense that she isn’t practicing law right now. In any case, I found her a lot more professional than Scott Reisch, despite her liberal and unapologetic use of profanity. Actually, I kind of enjoy her use of profanity. She’s a woman after my own heart.

Emily D. Baker was present on the Zoom call and heard all of the gritty details of what kind of bad stuff was found on Josh’s computers.

Emily D. Baker was present on the Zoom call that served for Josh’s bail bonds hearing. She said it was a very lengthy session. I liked that Emily took the time to explain, rather emphatically, that even if we all hate what Josh Duggar has allegedly done and are sick of his smug, smarmy face, he does have Constitutional rights that must be protected. And so, although the requirements surrounding his release and continued time out of custody are very onerous, so far he has managed to arrange a situation that satisfies the court’s conditions. Because he’s been able to do that, he’s entitled to be out of jail for now, even though the prosecution is against it. We may not like it, and he may end up failing spectacularly, but his rights were preserved. That’s a good thing, since I’m sure Boob will do all he can to minimize Josh’s accountability in this matter. For some reason, he seems to think of Josh as “golden”.

I don’t know if I’ll keep watching Emily’s channel, although she does say it’s for “legal nerds”. I don’t know if I’d call myself a “legal nerd” per se, but I do find the law interesting. I wonder sometimes if I should have gone to law school… but then, if I had married Bill, I might still be in the situation I ultimately landed in, only with a lot more student loan debt. 😉 Frankly, at this point, I wish I’d just studied music. At least I really enjoy music, and I’m naturally good at it. If I was destined to be Bill’s wife, it would have landed me in the same place, and maybe I could have used those skills the way my mom used her organ playing skills for so many years.

And finally, I’ve gotten re-hooked on Without a Crystal Ball, which is “Katie Joy’s” Duggar focused channel. Katie Joy seems to be a rival of Pickles– of the Duggar Family News Facebook group and page. I’ve noticed some in Pickles’ group don’t seem to like Katie Joy, and Katie Joy herself has said on her channel that she knows Pickles doesn’t like her. I’m not sure why that is. It could be because they’re rivals. Maybe one or the other thinks she knows more about the true Duggar scoop and resents having competition. Personally, I think both enterprises have some value.

Katie Joy is good on camera. She almost always has pretty eye makeup and a good presence. I admire her for being good on video. I don’t like being on video myself, which is one reason why The Overeducated Housewife is a blog instead of a vlog. I get super self-conscious about my appearance, plus I hate putting on makeup unless I’m going somewhere. However, I do have a pretty good speaking voice… maybe someday I’ll try doing a podcast. Katie Joy does have a pronounced Midwestern accent. I heard her say that she lives in Minnesota, which is probably why she has such an accent. It cracks me up.

Katie Joy’s videos are pretty professional, a lot of the time. When she does live streams, sometimes, there’s a bit of dead air. But I am impressed by how together she is on camera, and her ability to do her eye makeup. She seems to have real sources, too.

I found Katie Joy some months ago, watched a few of her videos, but then moved on. Now that I’m stuck here alone for the next two weeks, I’ve fallen back down the rabbit hole. I don’t know why I’m so interested in the Duggars. I don’t watch their show anymore and haven’t in years… I guess it’s the whole fundie Christian narcissism bent that has me interested. Jim Bob Duggar is a MASSIVE control freak who has been selling the public on his brand of sick theocracy for years now. I’m sure he and his ilk would love to see the entire country living the way he does… with lots of guns, religion, and oppression of women. I probably should be disgusted enough by him not to pay him any mind, but I can’t help finding him fascinating… kind of in the same way I’ve found Ex fascinating for so long.

On another note, I’ve noticed a WHOLE LOT of people writing about the Duggars lately. I know they’re topical right now, but some of the stuff that’s being put out there is pure crap. Someone shared an article in the Duggar Family News group the other day. I had to quit reading it, though, because the reporter didn’t know the difference between “flouting” and “flaunting”. And y’all know that’s one of my *many* pet peeves. I guess the Duggars are bankable, though, if only through clicks and ad revenue. I personally don’t care if anyone reads the crap I post. This blog isn’t monetized.

What else have I been watching besides the “Doo-gars”? Well, I found a very interesting and entertaining channel called History Scope. The guy who makes these animated videos about world history is often funny and educational, and he picks topics that I am curious about. So I have watched a few of his videos and subscribed to his channel. So far, in the past week, I’ve learned more about the breakup of the Soviet Union, the reunification of Germany, the breakup of Yugoslavia, how alcohol was discovered, and why North and South Korea were divided into separate countries.

This was a particularly good video. I really enjoyed it.
This one is good, too.

I think I especially enjoyed the above two History Scope videos because I remember when both of these major historical events happened. I was still a teenager, and had been raised during the Cold War. Later, I lived in what was once part of the Soviet Union and is now the Republic of Armenia. And now, I live in reunified Germany and have actually visited what was once East Germany more than a couple of times. Bill even used to guard the border of what was once West Germany and Czechoslovakia, back in the beginning of his Army career in the late 80s. He was living in Bavaria when the wall came down. So yes, the German Reunification video is a winner for me. I’d love to know where the guy who makes these videos is from. He sounds like he might be from Eastern Europe, but I also see he’s done a bunch of videos about the Dutch. In any case, his accent charms me.

In other news… I undercooked a chicken yesterday. I was disappointed about that, since I used to be a really good cook. I also found myself watching Drink TV, which is a service I subscribed two a couple of years ago, but never used because we had an old Apple TV in our bedroom and couldn’t add apps to it. I have a newer Apple TV in our entertainment room, but that room lacks proper seating. So I ordered a new Apple TV and it got to us recently… and now, as you can see, I’m getting my money’s worth, watching videos. I probably should be power walking, trying to lose my beer gut and loosen up my sore, chronically stiff back.

Seriously… I am so fucking tired of these ridiculously long TDYs Bill keeps doing. I probably wouldn’t be so pissed about them if we had a chance to travel and he wasn’t working his ass off, but we’ve been locked down for six fucking months. I’m fucking over it. But in saying that, I know I have it a lot easier than others do… so there’s no need for anyone to send any toxic positivity my way. I can do that by myself.

I know I shouldn’t care about Josh Doo-gar or Josh Duggar… I know caring about them only adds to their “importance” in American pop culture. But I’m bored and, if I’m honest, a bit depressed. I figure watching videos about fundies is better than getting loaded or mingling with people who might pass along COVID-19 germs. In another month, I’ll get my second shot and maybe… just maybe… we can do something fun and/or interesting before I do something drastic. Right now, the high point of my day will probably be getting the new power supply for our lawnmower. Tragic.

Edited to add: New parts arrived and I switched them out with the old ones. I’m still getting the dreaded flashing blue light, which means there’s a fault loop signal issue on the robot mower. But I am not getting a message that there’s an issue on the display, and I notice the mower is now charging. Since it’s been plugged in for two weeks now, I would have expected there to be no need for charging, if the power supply wasn’t the issue. So I’ll let it charge for awhile and try again. Hopefully, that will do the trick and Bill won’t have to re-lay the boundary wire again in two fucking weeks when he’s home.

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complaints, mental health, Military, modern problems

Melting down over mission first…

There was a time in my life when I was like Velveeta, melting down at the slightest sign of heat. I’ve always been sensitive, but for the first thirty years of my life, I would get easily overwhelmed. I had problems with anxiety and would hyperventilate in panic attacks. Sometimes the attacks would happen in very embarrassing places. One time, I melted down in front of my boss, who was a nurse. Oddly enough, she thought I needed a trash can because she assumed I was going to vomit. I managed to croak out that I needed a bag to breathe into. She gave me one and I soon calmed down enough to talk to her. You’d think a nurse would know what to do for hyperventilation.

My panic attacks used to happen fairly frequently. For a long time, I didn’t know how to stop them. I’d get so upset that I’d find myself tingly with carbon dioxide overload, panting in a fight or flight reaction to whatever had me so bothered. Many times, it was fighting with my parents or some other authority figure that would get me in those states. For awhile, I even had Klonopin prescribed to me. It did nothing for me. I’m surprised people get hooked on it, to be very honest.

I don’t remember the last time I had a panic attack. It’s been many years. I have had a few meltdowns, but they aren’t like they used to be. Now, I get angry rather than panicky. Sometimes I cry a little bit, but I can’t even muster tears much anymore. In some ways, I’m glad crying is harder for me now. I was embarrassed by public crying jags more times than I’d like to remember. Some people legitimately thought I was crazy when I was younger. Others wondered if I was bipolar (I’m not).

Then there are times when I miss having a good cry. Crying can be very cathartic. I remember the rush of endorphins that would inevitably come after I released my emotions all over the place. I kind of miss being able to do that. Now, when I cry, it doesn’t last long and isn’t very intense. I’m sure some of it has to do with getting older and hormonal changes that come with that. Some of it is because I just don’t physically feel like I used to. I haven’t felt the way I felt as a young person since I started taking antidepressants in 1998.

Good plan.

I took psych meds for about five and a half years– first Prozac, then Wellbutrin, which turned out to be a much better fit for me than Prozac was. I also took Topamax, which is a mood stabilizer/migraine med/anti seizure med. My doctor prescribed it for me because he wanted me to lose weight. It did effectively kill my appetite and made drinking anything carbonated unpleasant. I didn’t lose weight, either, which disappointed my psychiatrist, who seemed to think my weight was the root of my problems. Bill didn’t like me on Topamax, so I got off of it. Beer began being fun to drink again. Looking back on it, I think the shrink was irresponsible to give me Topamax for that purpose. He prescribed it not because I had medical issues due to being overweight, but because I think he preferred thinner women himself and figured that being thinner would make me happier.

I had a slight meltdown last night. It turned out Bill couldn’t leave early and, in fact, probably won’t be home until late. I got pissed off when he sent me an email telling me about his issues getting home. It’s not because he’s not getting off early. It’s because, once again, he got my hopes up and dashed them. It’s not the first time he’s done it and this time, I’m having a particularly hard time dealing with life.

All of the other times he’s had long TDYs, we haven’t been in a pandemic situation. We’ve managed to have some fun somehow… going to a restaurant, taking a short trip, or doing something social. This time, we’ve been locked down for months. Seriously, Germany has been locked down in some way since November 2020. I haven’t been to downtown Wiesbaden in many months. By now, it’s probably been a year. I haven’t had a dental cleaning since May 2019. We did manage to take a trip last summer, but after we picked up Noyzi in early October, we were pretty much relegated to the neighborhood.

Germany was going to open a little bit this month, but the rising COVID-19 infections forced the lockdowns to extend. The AstraZeneca vaccine rollout has stalled, thanks to stories about a few people having rare blood clot reactions to it. We can be vaccinated on post, but we’re low on the priority scale. So while the United States is getting people the shot and things are becoming slightly more open over there, here it’s still isolated and weird. And it pissed me off that my husband had to go on a business trip for three solid weeks, even though travel is highly discouraged right now. I’ve been sitting at home alone, faithfully awaiting his invitation to chat, which always came when I was in the middle of watching a movie.

I don’t know what happened, but when he said he was going to be stuck there until late, I just got pissed. Because, what it comes down to is his job coming before me. I understand that his job will always come first. It’s that military “mission first” mentality that every recruit is indoctrinated with when they join one of the services. Intellectually, I get it. But after three weeks of boredom and loneliness and having my hopes raised, I was not very happy to hear that they were going to be dashed. I got so pissed that I even told Bill I didn’t want to chat with him and didn’t care when he comes home.

I probably should have kept my disappointment to myself. I should have found something to pour myself into, like I usually do. But I wrote on Facebook that I need a boyfriend. I was half kidding. Most people laughed. One person, who also spends a lot of time alone due to her husband’s work, opted to give me advice. To be honest, it kind of pissed me off that this person offered advice. Sometimes, people just want to vent. They aren’t looking for anyone to help them solve their problems. They just want to be heard and validated.

I understand that advice giving usually comes from a place of wanting to help, but she knows I’ve been a military wife for 18 years. This ain’t my first rodeo with being alone. Moreover, I’m not a kid. I don’t need someone to tell me to go out and “join” things. But even if I wanted to join things, I can’t right now. First off, it’s Germany, and not everyone speaks English. But even if I spoke perfect German and they spoke perfect English, the culture is different… and we are not allowed to congregate, anyway. It’s literally against the law right now. And, to be honest, I don’t necessarily want to hang out on post, either. For many reasons, I don’t fit in with most of the military wives. There are some exceptions, of course. Things are closed on post, too, but even if they weren’t, I wouldn’t want to hang out there.

I don’t need to be told to do something creative. I do that already. That’s why we have five guitars in our house when a year ago, we had none. That’s why I write a blog. I would write fiction, but a certain stalker let me know that she doesn’t appreciate my efforts or respect my privacy. So I’ve kind of lost the desire to write fiction for now, because someone might assume that I’ve written about them or get the wrong idea… or offer an uninvited critique. Even if I wrote it offline, I’ve just lost the urge.

I was just feeling low and wanted to express it. I still knew in my heart, someone would try to fix things and offer advice. And I would be put in the position of being a bitch and stating that I don’t want or particularly need any advice. I just want a virtual hug or something… hell, I don’t know what I want. I guess I just feel like I’ve wasted my life. I spend so much time waiting around for Bill. It’s not even so much that I want to join other people. I actually find a lot of people irritating… and they find me irritating and weird. I don’t want to get dressed and get in the car and go somewhere. I don’t need anyone to tell me that I chose this life. I know I did. I love Bill with all my heart, but I often feel like a loser. Just once, I’d like for him to have to wait at home alone for me. Or really, I don’t want either of us to have to wait at home alone. I just feel like I’ve already put in my time with this “mission first” lifestyle. For once, it would be nice not to have to put the mission first.

A few weeks ago, I fell and tore up both of my knees. Fortunately, I wasn’t badly hurt. My pride was injured and I had bruised, swollen, oozing, itchy knees for two solid weeks. The knees are mostly healed now, save for a bit of scarring and almost healed scabs. It occurred to me that I could have been badly hurt and no one would be any the wiser. When he goes on these trips, I might as well be single. I survived being alone as a single person just fine. I expected to be alone and coped with it. As a married person, it’s harder to cope. Especially when I can’t go hang out in a bar when things get too solitary.

When we lived in Stuttgart, it wasn’t as bad. I knew more people there. Of course, I much prefer where we are now to where we were then, but I don’t know Wiesbaden as well as I do the Stuttgart area. The past year hasn’t allowed for much exploration. I’m not that close to my family, which is probably a blessing, since they’re all thousands of miles away. I have the dogs and they are great company. But they’re dogs… and they require care more than anything else. I did get a kick out of Noyzi this morning, who asked for butt rubs and head scratches and expressed appreciation by rolling on his back with his legs in the air and smiling goofily at me. I wish I’d been able to get a picture. It was adorable.

I miss Zane a lot. He was high maintenance and worried me with his health issues. However, he loved to snuggle with me in bed and would burrow under the covers and curl up next to me. Arran only snuggles with me occasionally. He likes to snuggle, but not like Zane did. He’s more Bill’s dog than mine. And Noyzi isn’t going to snuggle in bed as long as Arran is around, because Arran doesn’t like him.

I miss physical contact and conversation… and I feel like I just wait all the time for something to happen. And I don’t need someone in the United States, who doesn’t understand the reality of life as a childless foreigner during a pandemic, telling me what I should do. I mean, I know she meant well… but she’s got children and grandchildren and a job… and lots of friends. And she lives in the USA in a familiar place. I don’t think things are locked down there like they are here. But in the USA, you can expect that most people can speak your language. Here, I can’t make that assumption, even if it’s often true.

I think I also have PMS. My skin is a mess… and it’s about time for Aunt Flow to show up. Just in time for Bill to get home, too. Wouldn’t you know it?

I do feel somewhat better today. I woke up at 2:15am and couldn’t get back to sleep. By 4:45am, I was chatting with a former co-worker who lives in Washington State. We had a very entertaining chat, not about my problems. He didn’t offer advice or try to fix my issues. He just talked to me and we gossiped about the old days. It was fun, and it made me feel better. He even said he liked me the minute he met me because I’m “authentic”. He’s not the first person to tell me that. Say what you want about my personality… it’s definitely mine and it’s real, even if not everyone likes it. And he told me he likes me the way I am, which was really nice. I probably should have chatted with him last night, but I ended up chatting with Bill, who apologized profusely.

I told Bill that I get it. The job will always come first. He has a “mission first” mentality that he won’t let go of, and frankly, that’s what makes him so employable. And, to be honest, I’m not sure if it would be a good thing for him to change jobs for my sake. I wasn’t asking him to do that. I simply don’t like it when someone raises my hopes and then disappoints me. It’s happened too many times. If he had just let me think he’d be home late tonight and never mentioned leaving early, I probably wouldn’t have gotten so irritated.

Also… people are finding that post I wrote about Adam and Darla and, apparently, want to correct my opinions on that. And those who are regular readers probably know how I feel about people who want to correct other people’s opinions. Right or wrong, I don’t like it when people aren’t allowed to express themselves unmolested and uncensored. Must be part of my “authenticity”. On the other hand, at least they care enough to comment.

Anyway… I will probably be happier later. If I know Bill, he’ll make it up to me. Or maybe he’ll disappoint me again. Either way, I probably won’t melt down, because I expect I’ll finally be ragging. I think I’ll make this morning a vocal morning. It’ll make me feel better.

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music, religion

Musical mission of dorkiness…

This morning, I am starting the day off with a hearty laugh. Why? Because my friend Mike shared a cringeworthy video of two LDS sister missionaries rapping. It totally cracked me up in all its glorious dorkiness. I suppose I could upload it to the blog, but I think it’s better if you simply navigate to the page yourself and take a gander. It’s public, after all, and apparently getting spread around… (by the way, I know the link isn’t working. It worked when I put it in the post. Just look up Mike Norton on Facebook. His stuff is very public. You’ll find it and another equally cringeworthy rap video by sister missionaries.)

These two ladies are sister missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They are in the England Leeds mission. I give them mad props for their youthful enthusiasm and creativity, although I ain’t gonna lie… I kind of cringe when I listen to their rhythmic rapping about Joseph Smith. But hey, they’re putting their heart and soul into it, and I’m sure they’re nice people. And they say they’re “doing it for Italy”. They’re doing THIS for Italy? Really? Why?

My husband’s daughter did a mission in Utah. In her case, it was a very good thing to do. It got her away from her crazy mother, and she learned that people can be good and not be LDS. She grew up a lot during her time away, although I will admit that at the time she was doing her mission, I didn’t have a very high opinion of her because of the way she and her sister treated Bill. Now that she’s married and on her own, she’s become a much nicer person, and it’s become clear that she was coerced.

I suppose given how much younger daughter changed, I no longer have as much animosity for Mormonism as I once had. I still think the beliefs are a bit wackadoodle and I don’t like some of the things the members do to get and keep people in the fold. But I no longer have a burning desire to bust on it anymore. Now, I’m just amused by people like the young women in that video. I am also legitimately grateful that people in the church helped Bill’s daughter when she needed help. It’s help that her parents should have given her– particularly her mother, since she forced Bill out of his daughters’ lives. But since Ex wasn’t prepared to do her duty as a mom, I’m glad some good people in the church did.

Here’s another video done by a missionary. He’s got a nice voice and plays ukulele well, but I don’t know about the lyrics. It’s a little too cheesy for me, and the music is very pop. I think the video done by musicians in Berlin’s Opera is more my speed. I legitimately teared up the first time I heard this coronavirus inspired, socially distanced, spot on impromptu performance… It’s very inspirational to me in the way dorky missionary performances are not. But I guess everyone has difference sources of inspiration.

I’m always amazed by extremely religious young people. What do they have that I didn’t when I was their age? I never enjoyed church at all and couldn’t wait to stop attending the forced gatherings every Sunday. I didn’t go to a particularly demanding church, either. I was a Presbyterian. I guess I still am a Presbyterian, although I don’t go to church anymore. I prefer to look for God outside of church and formal religions.

Yesterday, an Armenian friend shared the news that the “last” Armenian in Bangladesh had died. I didn’t know Armenia had such an influence on Bangladesh, but I did remember that I used to live in a part of Yerevan that was on the way to the city district nicknamed “Bangladesh”. I asked my friend if the part of Yerevan called Bangladesh had anything to do with the Armenian presence in the country. He said it didn’t. Apparently, “Bangladesh” in Yerevan came about as a nickname during the early 70s, when Bangladesh was getting its independence from Nepal. At that time, Armenia was part of the Soviet Union, which was, of course, a closed society. People of that time would not have had much of a chance to meet anyone from Bangladesh or anywhere else that wasn’t part of the Soviet Union or the Eastern Bloc.

I found an interesting article about Yerevan’s “Bangladesh”, having been inspired by my friend’s post about the last Armenian’s death. Within the article, which was written by Maxim Edwards, a British journalist, there is a story about how Armenians were wary of Americans who speak Armenian. Why? It’s not because of Peace Corps Volunteers, of which I was one in the 1990s. It’s because of Mormon missionaries. I kind of liked this story in Edwards’ article:

Incidentally, I was among the first “foreigners” to visit Armenia after the fall of the Soviet Union. I was in the third Peace Corps group to serve there, and I got to know a lot of people who worked at the American Embassy. I didn’t know of any Mormons there, although there was a Mormon couple in my group with me. I think Armenia did become somewhat of a hotbed of LDS activity after I left. I think it’s pretty funny what the locals had to say about the church’s invasion into the “first Christian country”. I’m sure the LDS church is a tough sell in Armenia, a place where people like their coffee, tea, booze, and cigarettes, and it’s way too hot to wear temple garments. Moreover, even though they were officially atheists during the Soviet era, Armenians are mostly very proud of their Christian heritage, although I did run into a couple of Jewish and Muslim believers, too.

Anyway… the above video is not the first one I’ve seen highlighting silliness among the LDS folk. They probably get pretty bored, especially nowadays, when they can’t be going door to door peddling their religion to the unaware. I was amused by their antics, though. Hope they had as much fun making their video as I did watching it… and laughing at it. It’s a brave thing to put stuff out there on the Internet. Believe me, I should know.

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