Bill, lessons learned, love, marriage, musings

Mundane days that will forever change your life…

I saved the featured photo sometime around 9/11/01. I distinctly remember my former shrink, now a true friend, had shared it in an email to his friends and family in the wake of 9/11. It changed my life when he did that, just as my life was changed when I met him…

It’s September 11th again. Ever since 2001, September 11th has taken on a new significance to a lot of people, especially those of us who are from the United States. I remember all too well that day. It was a beautiful Tuesday morning. I was in my last year of graduate school at the University of South Carolina in Columbia, South Carolina. I had gone to my social work field placement location.

That morning, I had Bill on my mind, because over Labor Day weekend, we’d had the most magical visit in Natural Bridge, Virginia. He was working at the Pentagon, having just started there a month prior. We met at my grandmother’s house and had a gorgeous, fun, comfortable, unforgettable weekend. By the end of it, we were in love. It was the first and only time I’ve ever been “in love”. Yes, I had many crushes when I was younger, but I was never in love. And now, I was… I knew I loved Bill after that weekend, and I later found out that he loved me back. However, even after that weekend, we were still calling each other “friends”. Our relationship wasn’t official at that point.

On September 11, 2001, it was a lovely, perfectly ordinary day, just as it is today. I was buoyed by the fact that at age 29, I had finally met someone with whom I could have a romantic relationship. He made me feel so comfortable, and I had never experienced that with anyone before. We just fit together so perfectly. And if you know the story of exactly how and where we met, you might know how unlikely and incredible that is. Or maybe it’s not. Plenty of people who met in church or were high school sweethearts turn out to be completely wrong for each other.

When I heard about what happened at the Pentagon on September 11, 2001, I did worry. I wasn’t hysterical or anything. I somehow knew, deep down, that he was okay. But I wasn’t sure, so of course I worried… and I wondered if my intuition was wrong, and he was dead. By age 29, life had already taught me that I should never be too optimistic about anything. Too often, I had gotten up my hopes only to see them dashed. In fact, even though I felt like I was in love, I wasn’t completely sure Bill loved me, too.

Many hours after the Pentagon was struck by a jet airliner, I got a message from Bill. He had tried to call me earlier, but somehow had the wrong phone number. Because he was in the Army, he’d had to work all day and well into the night. Once he finally got home to his apartment, he was able to send me an instant message on Yahoo! Messenger. I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, an experienced Air Force wife. I had just told her about Bill, and she immediately gave me advice. She’d been through somewhat similar things with my dad when he was on active duty, although of course my dad never had to deal with anything like 9/11.

Once Bill contacted me and told me he was okay, I suggested that we tell people we were dating. If something had happened to him, I wouldn’t have known until the casualty lists were made public. On the other hand, if he hadn’t concluded we were in love over Labor Day, he would have had the perfect excuse to ghost me… He wouldn’t have considered doing that, though. Bill isn’t like that, which is one reason why I love him so. My husband is one of the kindest, most considerate, most decent people I’ve ever met. He almost always gives people the benefit of the doubt. I probably don’t deserve him. But then, if I were more like him, we’d probably be divorced by now, because we’d constantly be fighting off exploitive people like Ex.

This morning, as we were having breakfast, I was noticing all of the 9/11 posts on Facebook. I looked back at my memories and realized that in September 2015, we were on a trip I dubbed The Beer and Fucking Tour. I called it that because we went to Austria and visited two beer spas and two areas that incorporated the word “fuck” in them. There was Fucking, Austria (since renamed Fugging after 1000 years), and Fuckersberg, which turned out to be a big field in a very picturesque area.

This sign is no longer posted, because too many people were stealing and fucking under it for posterity… I wonder how many babies were born because of this sign… yet another random thing that could have had a profound effect on someone.

We had an amazing time on that long weekend, just as we did in 2001. We drove my Mini Cooper convertible, and the weather was lovely, just like it was in 2001, so we had the top down. It was fun to go to the beer spa and the beer pool, which we still talk about in reverent terms eight years later. We laugh about Fucking and Fuckersberg. But the most incredible event of that trip happened in a very ordinary place… a place we probably wouldn’t have visited at the right time if we hadn’t decided to visit Fuckersberg, which was out of the way of our onward travel plans.

Because we went to see the big field called Fuckersberg, we hit traffic in Munich. And because Bill doesn’t always want to stop when I really need to eat, we were running late for lunch. I got very HANGRY, especially as it got closer to the witching hour of 2:00 PM, which is when a lot of restaurants close after the lunch service. At the time of this trip, Bill was in an online graduate program. He had a paper due, so he was eager to get to our hotel and wanted to press onward. But I needed food, so we pulled off the Autobahn and went looking for a place that didn’t take a “pause” after lunch.

I remember that we were having a hard time finding a restaurant. I told Bill that he could just take me to McDonald’s or buy me some chocolate. I just needed to raise my blood sugar before I had a total meltdown. Bill was cussing a lot, which was also causing me stress. I don’t usually mind hearing him swear, but when I’m irritable and hungry, it really grates on my nerves. Just as we were about to give up our search and get back on the Autobahn to look for a proper rest stop, I saw a restaurant that might be suitable for lunch. We pulled into their parking lot.

We ended up at this very run-of-the-mill Italian restaurant in a Munich suburb. My mood was decidedly dark as we went into the crowded dining room and took a seat among many large families with loud children. I excused myself to use the restroom, and by the time I returned, Bill had already ordered a half liter of Primitivo (mostly for me) and some San Pellegrino. I was still grumbling as I sat there nibbling on bread and drinking the wine.

I looked up and noticed some cows grazing in a field just outside of the far window. For some reason, I wanted to take a picture of the cows, so I pulled out my iPhone. At that point, I didn’t know how to zoom on an iPhone, so I got a picture that was mostly of the dining room. That’s when I had a very profound experience that I don’t think I’ll ever forget, at least not as long as my mind still works properly.

There’s a stranger in the picture who changed my life.

When I took that photo, I hadn’t immediately noticed the man in the top left corner. It wasn’t until my blood sugar was normal that I saw him sitting with a group of people. He was wearing interesting clothes and clearly wasn’t from Germany. I discreetly pointed him out to Bill, who told me he was a Buddhist monk. I noticed he was with a young German woman who seemed absolutely enthralled and delighted by his company. There were some other locals with him. I watched them give him a pair of what appeared to be hand knitted green socks.

As he accepted the socks, he bowed and smiled, and I noticed that he had this incredibly tranquil aura about him. He had the most serene and gentle countenance I had ever seen. Just looking at him from across the room put me at ease. I was awestruck, even though I never spoke to him, nor do I think he even noticed me. In a blog post I wrote in 2015, I explained it like this:

I mentioned it to Bill who explained what he knows about Buddhism.  I still don’t know much about it, but I was really moved by his presence and how kind and decent he seemed to be.  It’s not often you run into someone with such a peaceful and pleasant aura.  He seemed like a very special person just by his manner.  I didn’t even speak to him, but his body language said enough.  I forgot my initial annoyance and relaxed, truly inspired by just watching the monk interact with his companions.  He left before we did, with the German woman who seemed so enchanted by him.

Edited to add…  My German friend, Susanne, says that the monk is Toyoshige Sekiguchi from Japan. He is rather famous and is currently a guest at a farm in Hohenschäftlarn, which is the town where the restaurant where we had lunch is located.  It turns out the reason I thought the monk was so peaceful is because his life’s work is all about promoting peace and nuclear disarmament.  Of all the places we could have eaten…  How amazing.

Years later, I realize that if we’d been at that place at a different time, or if we’d gone to McDonald’s, I would have missed that experience. Maybe I would have had a different, equally incredible experience, but I would have missed that one. My life would have been different. It probably wouldn’t have been significantly different, but it would not be the same as it is today, because I would have missed that profound moment in time, when we happened to eat at a very ordinary Italian restaurant on a random exit near Munich.

I shared that incredible experience with a man I happened to meet at just the right time in a chat room on the Internet… a man who could have so easily exited my life on September 11, 2001. He was in the wedge of the Pentagon where the plane crashed, but deep enough into the building that he missed being obliterated by the fuselage when it collided. That day changed Bill’s life, just as it changed mine. It changed the trajectory of our lives.

The older I get, the more I think some things were just meant to happen. Even really evil things like September 11th can spawn things that turn out to be good in the long run, if you look at it from a very macro perspective. I think Bill and I still would have gotten married if 9/11 hadn’t happened, but it might have taken longer. We might have taken more time to be sure it was the right thing to do. After what he went through with his ex wife, I could understand Bill wanting to take his time. But that close call on 9/11 made him realize that tomorrow is never promised to anyone.

I think about what came after 9/11… wars in two countries, with countless people dying or maimed. On the other hand, a lot of people were born because of 9/11 and the wars that followed. That event put people in places they might not have ordinarily been. A lot of lessons were learned… some good, and some bad.

Sometimes seemingly innocuous decisions end up changing or even ending your life. It’s on days like September 11th, that I always remember that lesson. You could go to work one day and find out that your undeclared boyfriend has suddenly been killed by a plane crashing into his workplace. Or you could end up in an ordinary restaurant in a non-specific town, watching a Buddhist monk accepting green socks, feeling peace wash over you just noticing his gentle, peaceful aura. Or you could pass a playground, watching small children, just discovering life, running toward the fence, literally cheering when they see the garbage man coming to empty the trash cans (which I did recently witness in my little town). Life is just full of that stuff. You can see it for yourself if you look for it.

Anyway… I figure I’ve prattled on long enough about this topic. I’ve got a neglected guitar that needs a few minutes of attention, and a dog who would love to take a walk. I also want to order some stuff from Aran Sweater Market and Henri Willig. So I’m going to end this post and get on with the day. If anything, I hope anyone who cared enough to read this post will take a moment to think about the little miracles in every day… things that happened and somehow changed your life forever. Maybe it will change your perspective somehow… perhaps even in a profound, life altering way.

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Bill, dogs, love, marriage, narcissists

The evolution of true love…

I have a lot on my mind this morning. Our sweet Arran is starting to wear out, and Bill and I are frustrated, because he has to leave town this week and next, and the vet has been hard to reach. I don’t want to be here alone with Arran, because I’m afraid he will decline while Bill is gone. While Arran loves us both, he has a special connection to Bill. It would devastate us if he were to pass while Bill was gone on a business trip.

We did call the vet’s office this morning. Hopefully, she will be able to give us some Prednisone or something similar to tide Arran over until we can try chemo. It’s very frustrating to have to deal with the timing of this now. If this had happened a month ago, we’d be more able to handle it properly. Arran still wants to engage with us, and he will eat, sleep, and take walks. He seems to have more difficulty in the mornings. I think it’s because he likely has a mass in his chest that causes fluid to build up when he sleeps. As I mentioned before, it’s not that we’re hoping for a miracle cure for him. We just want to buy him some time until we can both be there to help him cross the Rainbow Bridge.

I could write more about this, but I was already kept awake by weird dreams and worry. I can’t control the cancer that has, once again, invaded our lives. I love living in Europe, but sometimes I really miss being in my own country, where I can speak the language and feel more comfortable driving places by myself. Bill plans to come home on Friday, so he’ll be here on the weekend before he has to leave again. I generally hate it when he travels, although I mind it much less when our dogs aren’t ailing.

Now… on to today’s topic.

Yesterday, I saw a tweet by Ex that made me do some thinking about the process of love. When she and Bill were married, she used to lament that Bill didn’t love her the way a woman should be loved. She even used music to make her points. To this day, Bill hates the songs “To Really Love A Woman” by Bryan Adams, and “Strong Enough” by Sheryl Crow. Ex would play them and offer object lessons on how men should show love and affection to their wives. I don’t remember him ever telling me that Ex was ready to take criticism on how she “loved” Bill. Personally, I don’t think she’s capable of actual love. Instead, she gets infatuated with people. When that wears off, she’s inevitably disappointed.

Here’s an example of what I mean, once again, courtesy of her very public tweets:

He genuinely nailed it. He looked at her the way a man should look at a woman…with awe. I love this picture! It makes me cry for all of us who will never experience true love. Oh gods, it makes me feel so lonely!!

Ex was reacting to a photo of two actors on a TV show she watches. She gets all starry eyed about actors– people paid to pretend to love each other for entertainment purposes– looking like they are in awe of each other, and deeply in “true love”. In another tweet, she writes:

They still have that way of looking at each other…. Oh how it rips my heart out.

There are other comments about the perfect “love”, and how “beautiful” the couple on TV is… even though they are ACTORS. She has fallen under their spell, lost in the romance of what she assumes “true love” is.

A couple of days ago, I was listening to H.G. Tudor on YouTube. He has a very interesting channel, as he claims to be a high level narcissistic sociopath himself, and he says that makes him able to spot and explain narcissistic behaviors to the unaware. Now… I have mentioned more than once that I don’t know if H.G. Tudor truly is a narcissistic sociopath, working for “good”. I don’t doubt that he has narcissistic traits and proclivities. And, for all I know, he really is what he claims to be. I’ve never met the man. He just seems very astute and aware for a narcissist. Usually, they are so stuck on themselves and their own agendas that they would never think to offer advice to the general public.

But anyway, the other day, H.G. Tudor posted an interesting video in which he was talking about people in the early stages of mutual attraction. Have you ever “fallen in love”? It’s only happened to me once– back when I met Bill and realized that we had something between us. I remember that time to be very exciting and fun. We were into each other. We wanted to be together. We went on exciting dates and spent wonderful weekends together, during which we would do fun things. It was a very intense time, and it made us both feel really good. I think that’s by design, isn’t it? You “fall in love” with someone, which makes you want to have sex with them and, perhaps, procreate? Or maybe not… as I do know that a lot of people, by their own choosing, never have children. I do think there is a biological element to “falling in love”, though.

But then what happens after the relationship is established? What happens when the couple is no longer feeling the need to impress each other with romance and magical surprises? What happens when one or the other person doesn’t feel the need to keep offering “hits” to keep the other person interested?

Things cool off somewhat. Maybe you don’t have sex in every room anymore. Maybe you stop feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries. Maybe there are fewer date nights. Maybe you act more like friends, or even roommates, than lovers. Maybe the honeymoon is obviously over when one, or both of you, feels perfectly fine about performing bodily functions in the open without any shame whatsoever. This happens to the best of couples. My parents were married for 56 years. They had their problems, but I know they loved each other very much. They were very comfortable together.

Bill and I are still “in love”, I’d say. We genuinely love to be with each other. We still do things together all the time. But there’s less romance, and a lot less sex. We’re now a seasoned, established couple… true partners, rather than lovestruck beings consumed with passion. Sometimes Bill does look at me in awe, but it’s usually after I’ve said something particularly shocking or disgusting. 😉 On rare occasions, he looks at me that way when he’s proud of me… like if I record a song that makes him cry, or I offer an insight that he hadn’t considered. But of course that doesn’t happen every day. It would be unrealistic to expect that.

I think Ex somehow never learned that no relationship stays hot and spicy forever. Real love isn’t about being starry eyed and crazy with awe for another person. Real love is settled and reliable and… sometimes… a little bit boring. But it’s dependable and sane. I know my husband has my back, and he knows I have his. We get through things together. I don’t need him to look at me as if I’m some exotic goddess who amazes him every day. It’s enough that he treats me that way by showing me respect and regard. And he doesn’t care if I fart in front of him or tell a raunchy joke. He loves me for exactly who I am, and doesn’t want me to change.

I’ll tell you something else, too. I know my husband is faithful. I am faithful to him, too. Neither of us has any desire to get any on the side. How do I know this? Because he’s almost always with me. When he’s not, he’s contacting me from afar. Maybe he’s a rare individual, but I’d like to hope there are more people out there who are like him. People have tried to tell me that all men cheat. But I’m certain that Bill doesn’t. He can’t be the only faithful man in the world.

Last night, I unfollowed an author I had been following because she was posting some “anti-male” propaganda that I didn’t appreciate. It was basically about how men are all disgusting, consumed with lust, and looking at all women as sex objects. The post was something along the lines of how men don’t realize how awful they are until they become fathers, and they realize that males are looking at their daughters the way that they used to look at other men’s daughters. I do think that’s often true, and it’s based in biology. But I don’t think all men are like that. And unfortunately, I also know that while men much more often sexually assault women, sometimes women also sexually assault men. It can and does happen.

I have seen Ex repeatedly post comments about how a certain male actor warms her heart because he gives her a sense of “safety”. She thinks the actor looks at his co-star with such warmth and regard that there is “true love” there. But they’re actors! Are they actually in love? I would guess not, even if it is technically possible. And somehow, Ex has come to believe that love is always passionate and hot. I have come to realize that real love isn’t like that at all.

Real love is being there when someone is not at their best. Real love is accepting a person for who they are, and not trying to shame or change them in any way. Real love is letting the person show their feelings authentically, and not using books, music, movies, or art to try to “teach” them the proper way to express their feelings. Real love is about commitment, trust, and positive regard. I would say that love often feels like a very deep and trusting friendship, a closeness in which the couple can tell each other anything at all and not worry about being immediately shamed or shitcanned. Even if something terrible has happened– at least the couple can hear each other out without fear. Real love isn’t about that look of “awe”. It’s about a deep and abiding connection, great compassion, and knowing each other very well.

Ex is right that she’s never had “true love”. She certainly never had it with Bill. But that’s not because he isn’t capable of it. I know for a fact that he is.

And just to bring this back around to our beloved Arran, look at these photos and tell me if you see true love. I sure do…

This is a man who loves deeply.
Theirs is a special connection.
I have so many photos like this one. Soon, I will have to compile them in a memorial video.

And yes, sometimes I still catch him looking at me that way, too…

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