Tag Archives: being offended

language, social media

I can think of so many more offensive things than that one particular word…

Wow… in just one week, it’ll be Halloween. It seems like October has really been fleeting this year. Bill and I have pumpkins to carve, since we did have a few Trick or Treaters last year. Germans are slowly catching on to Halloween, I guess. I will be passing out candy alone, though, because Bill has to go away again. It’s at times like these that I wish I had more friends. But a lot of my friendships have turned out to be disappointing, mainly because I tend to look at things differently than a lot of people do. I don’t go along to get along very well.

Take for instance, the common consensus that certain words should be “banned”. I will never agree with that idea, because I know that all words– even the so-called offensive ones– have a purpose. I also believe in letting people communicate freely, even if I think what they say or write is offensive. However, I understand that sometimes when a person says something egregiously offensive, there will be consequences. I have no quarrel with people facing consequences. That’s part of being an adult in a free society.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a post about an online interaction I had with a woman I didn’t know. This woman was apparently upset because I disagree with the notion that the word “retard” is always offensive and ought to be banned. She claimed she has autism, and evidently that somehow makes her an expert on offensive language. I disagree with that notion, too.

Anyway, we had a rather contentious exchange, and I wrote about it here. I think that post is one of my better ones. It’s probably be better than today’s post will be, but we’ll see. The upshot is, I certainly don’t agree that the word “retard” is always an offensive word. It can be used in an offensive way, but it’s not always offensive. So, whenever I see someone who’s upset about that word being bandied about, I generally just shake my head. I can think of plenty of other words that people never say anything about that are just as or even more offensive than that word is.

This topic comes up today thanks to fundie Christian Jill Rodrigues, who has, once again, been politically incorrect on her social media. I noticed someone on the Duggar Family News page shared the post and was very offended by it because it included the word “retarded”. Pickles, the woman who runs the page, later wrote a post about how wrong it was for Jill to use the term “retarded” in the way she did below…

Some people apparently gave Jill some shit for using the word “retarded” in her post. She edited it thusly…

Jill used the term “mentally challenged” to appease those who objected to her use of the r-word.

Now… I’m not trying to tell anyone that I think it’s right that Jill quoted her mother’s use of the word “retarded” to describe her non-functioning leg. However, I’m not offended that she used that word. I just don’t think it’s an accurate word to use to describe her mother’s condition, and using that word to describe her leg just makes her look less educated.

Clearly, Jill doesn’t care if people are offended by her use of that word and she’s going to continue using it regardless. You can tell by the way she substituted the term “mentally challenged” after people gave her a hard time. She doesn’t take other people’s feelings into consideration when she posts her stuff on social media, so I see no reason to be upset about it. This behavior is just par for the course for her. If you are offended by her use of language, my advice is to simply stop following her. In fact, I think unfollowing Jill the worst thing you could ever do to her. She craves fame, even if what she gets is actually infamy.

I don’t follow Jill myself, and only know about this controversy because there was a post about Jill in the Duggar Family News group. Quite a few people are apparently shocked and outraged by Jill’s use of the so-called “r-word”. It seems to me that instead of discussing this in the Duggar group, the better thing to do would be to ignore Jill. She’s just doing this for attention, and we’re all giving it to her.

I can think of a lot of other things Jill has posted over the years that I find much worse than quoting her mother’s use of the word “retarded” to describe her leg. Like, for instance, the time she and her kids sang a homophobic song about farm animals as an object lesson about why she thinks homosexuality is wrong. Or the many times she’s written about her quadriplegic sister and described her using the word “quadriplegic” in all caps. Or the times she’s posted about her children as if they’re up for auction or something, looking for mates. I mean, if you want to be offended, you can visit Jill’s page and find plenty of things to offend you. She’s not going to change.

Aside from the fact that Jill will never change her behavior, I also want to point out that as offensive and hurtful as the word “retard” is when it’s used as a slur, there are plenty of other offensive words that get used all the time and no one ever says a damned thing! In my earlier post about this controversy, I pointed out how the person who was trying to “school” me about why the word “retard” is always wrong, basically called me “stupid”. She’d asked me to use the word “retard” in a non-offensive way, which I think I did. Below is the sentence I posted. You can tell me in the comments if you honestly think it’s offensive, but if you do that, I will expect an explanation as to what makes it offensive. Chances are excellent that I will disagree with you.

“I see no reason to retard the development of languages by banning specific words.”

I did what the person asked me to do. She responded by writing that my answer was “stupid”. What’s “stupid” about it, pray tell? Is it “stupid” because I proved her wrong? And does she not see the irony in lecturing me against ANY use of the word “retard” because it’s “mean” and “offensive” to people with special needs, but then using the word “stupid” to describe my answer and, perhaps, my intellect? Can you think of ANY use of the word “stupid” that isn’t negative and offensive? I can’t. But the word “retard” actually can be used in a neutral way. I just proved it.

Ditto to words like “moron”, “idiot”, “fool”, “imbecile”, “cretin”, “dolt”, “dunce”, “dullard” “knothead” 😉 and a host of other terms to describe people who aren’t intelligent. I never see people clamoring to ban any of those words, some of which were once actual medical or psychological terms used to describe people with intellectual disabilities. Only the word “retard” seems to get the most people riled up these days. But it wasn’t that long ago that the word “retarded” was the official and clinical term used for someone who did not possess whatever is considered a “normal” intellect. When I was a child in the 1980s, there were actual government offices that had the words “mental retardation” on their letterheads.

I’m not saying it’s a good thing to label someone a “retard” or refer to them as “retarded”. I totally agree that it’s wrong to use words in a harmful or offensive way. I also think that it’s prudent to develop new terms that more accurately define certain conditions. Back in the day, it seems like anyone who wasn’t considered “normal” and rode the “short bus” was labeled as “retarded”, even if they had a perfectly fine intellect. That’s definitely not right.

What I’m saying is, that particular word is one of many offensive words in the English language that people routinely use to hurt one another. If you’re upset about the word “retard”, are you equally upset about the casual use of words like “stupid” or “moron” or “idiot”? If those words don’t offend you as much as “retard” does, why don’t they?

Moreover, getting bent out of shape that Jill Rodrigues uses any incarnation of the word “retard” on social media is a waste of energy, in my opinion. She’s proven time and again that she’s not going to be politically correct, and neither is she a well-educated person. I don’t necessarily blame her for rejecting demands to be “PC”. I think that PC culture is often illogical and misses the mark. But I do think we should keep in mind that this is a woman who sings homophobic songs about farm animals as a way to prove that homosexuality is unnatural. She’s never going to quit using words that more evolved people find objectionable.

So… count me among those who think this controversy about Jill’s use of taboo words is much ado about nothing. I think there are much bigger issues to be upset about where she’s concerned. Not that I waste much time being concerned about those issues, either. I’d rather go frost my balding bush. 😉

TLDR– people should focus less on specific words and more on context. Jill’s mom didn’t call anyone the r-word. She used it to refer to her own body part, which in and of itself isn’t a very intelligent thing to do, since legs don’t have any intellectual capacity.

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communication, condescending twatbags, healthcare, safety, social media, YouTube

Sometimes it’s necessary to turn off the seatbelt warning chimes…

This morning, I woke up to more negativity on Facebook. I sighed and blocked yet another rando who decided to chime in on my flippant comment on Carolyn Hax’s advice column. I wrote about that situation yesterday, but for those who don’t want to read my rant, here’s a brief synopsis.

A woman in her mid 50s, describing herself as obese, was complaining about her gynecologist’s insistence on harping about her weight at every appointment. The woman wrote that she discusses her weight with her internist, and had engaged the services of a professional personal trainer. The letter writer was annoyed by her gyno’s fixation on her weight, especially since the doctor’s suggestions were not workable for her. She was seeking advice on what she should do about the doctor’s unwanted warnings about her weight issues.

Carolyn’s advice was to find another doctor, or be more assertive about asking the doctor to stop fixating on her weight. She wrote that if the letter writer was too nervous about confronting the doctor verbally, she should write a letter. I agreed with Carolyn’s advice, and yesterday’s long winded rant spelled out the reasons why I agree. A lot of other readers did not agree, and felt that the woman should simply follow the gyno’s orders, annoying as they might be to her.

I was one of the first people to comment on the Facebook post about this column. I wrote “Get another doctor, or be like me and don’t go.” It was kind of a flippant remark, but I was being serious on one level. As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I don’t go to doctors very often at all. I realize that many people would say that’s unwise, especially since I can afford to go. But medical situations– at least when they involve me, personally– make me a bit crazy.

In yesterday’s post, I wrote about a woman named Winnie Jay who blasted me and someone who responded to me, then called me “girl”. Winnie Jay doesn’t know me, and doesn’t know the origin of my comment. Like it or not, avoiding doctors is one very effective way to avoid being lectured about weight loss. It may not be the wisest thing to do, if you want to maintain your health. But it truly is an effective way to silence the shaming, at least from a doctor.

I wasn’t offering advice, though, when I wrote “don’t go.” I don’t expect that the letter writer was reading comments from randos on Facebook to find out what she should do. She wrote to Carolyn Hax, not the Overeducated Housewife. 😉 I was just responding in a flippant way to the column… that is, in a way in which I’m sure a whole lot of people can relate. Who wants to spend money to hear a doctor tell them they’re fat? Duh… most fat people already know they’re fat, and a lot of people have already considered the obvious solutions to that problem.

If I wanted serious advice on losing weight, I certainly wouldn’t consult a gynecologist. The vast majority of physicians don’t actually get that much training on that topic in medical school and can’t offer advice that works. Most of them can only offer drugs and surgeries. If I wanted to lose weight, I’d probably visit a nutritionist and a personal trainer. If that didn’t work and I was still determined, I might go to a doctor who specializes in bariatric surgery.

Why waste time discussing weight loss at a 15 minute routine gyno appointment, when you could be talking about more specialized topics that a gynecologist would be better able to address, like coping with menopause or enjoying sex during middle age? Especially when the letter writer– obviously someone who values maintaining her good health– is already addressing her weight issues with her general practitioner? Or, at least she claims to be doing that… but why would she lie about seeing a GP?

After yesterday, I thought maybe that pithy comment would be part of my history, but then I woke up to a tag from another young woman who is now on my block list. She wrote something along the lines of, “Sure, don’t go to the doctor, get a disease that goes unchecked, and die. Stupid advice.” That this person called my “advice” (which my comment wasn’t meant to be) “stupid” is what prompted me to block her. I figure if it’s her first inclination to insult strangers online, she’s not someone I want to know, or need to engage with further. Life is short. Especially when you don’t visit the doctor on a regular basis. 😉

At first I was pretty annoyed about the second person’s comment. It stings to be insulted by another person, even when it’s a stranger. But then, after talking to Bill over our breakfast of blueberry pancakes, bacon, and coffee, I came to a conclusion about the weight obsessed gynecologist. And it was all due to the obnoxious comment from that stranger. Perhaps the rude rando did me a solid, after all.

And now… about today’s blog post title.

A few days ago, I was watching random YouTube videos and I came across one by a content creator called “Fixin it”. The channel is about how to do minor household and car repairs. The video that attracted my attention was titled “How to TURN OFF the Annoying SEATBELT ALARM BEEPS CHIMES”. See below:

This COULD actually be very useful information to some people.
Here’s one he did for Nissan cars.

The guy who runs the “Fixin It” channel explained that sometimes the seatbelt alarms go off when they aren’t necessary. In today’s nannyish world, where we have warning chimes and flashing lights for every hazard, the warnings can be overkill. Or, maybe there’s some kind of malfunction in the software or hardware that make those alarms go off when they aren’t needed.

I used to drive a Toyota Corolla and the alarm would go off whenever I put something in the passenger seat. In my car, the alarm would turn off after about fifteen seconds, but sometimes they’d keep sounding. That’s pretty annoying and potentially dangerous, especially if you’re the only one in the car, you’re wearing the seatbelt, and you just want to rock out to the Doobie Brothers while you’re “rockin’ down the highway”. The warning chimes can be distracting and cause unnecessary stress.

I was curious about the comments. Most people were delighted by the guy’s practical advice. They had all consulted YouTube to find out what to do about the annoying nanny chimes in their cars, and the “Fixin It” channel had really helped them. A few people wrote to say that the advice hadn’t worked for them, which is bound to happen sometimes. And I wasn’t surprised to see comments chastising Fixin’ It for offering advice on how to disarm an important safety feature in a car. Below is a small sampling of those reactions…

Or.. and follow me close on this one, buckle your seat belt.

could also make a video on how you dont survive an accident for not wearing seatbelt. because the only reason you want the beep off is you dont wear it and it keeps beeping

dude really? it’s there to save your life.

Not a good act to show

I wouldn’t recommend doing this

I like beeps because it warn me I am not wearing seat belt

You “fix” it by wearing your seatbelt lmao

Here’s a brainwave! If you wore your seat belt as the law dictates, you wouldn’t have any warning noise.

y’all can just buckle up bro.

It seems so simple, right? Just buckle your seatbelt and you won’t hear the beeping. Except sometimes you don’t want to put stuff on the floor of your car, and you don’t want to have to buckle all of the belts to prevent the chimes from going off while you drive. And some of us don’t need a warning chime to do the right thing. Some of us are married to a man who turns into Pat Boone if they don’t buckle up. 😉

There I was, talking about Carolyn Hax’s advice column with Bill, thinking about the two insulting comments those two women– neither of whom know a fucking thing about me– decided to leave for me like sprays from shitstorms, as opposed to rays of sunshine. And then it dawned on me. They weren’t unlike the incessant seatbelt alarms. Then I realized that the obnoxious OB-GYN was even MORE like the seatbelt alarm that won’t turn off.

I stopped to think about that letter again and realized these things:

  • The letter writer self identified as obese. She knows she’s fat.
  • It’s not possible for a person to lose weight immediately, as the doctor suggests it. It takes time and effort.
  • The letter writer has written that she is taking steps to lose weight and get fit. She says she’s hired a personal trainer and works out with them three times a week. It’s true that exercise alone usually doesn’t help people lose weight as much as eating fewer calories does. But it is an important, health promoting step to take, and it is a sign that she’s doing something to be healthier.
  • The letter writer clearly cares about her health. She not only sees a gynecologist regularly, but she also sees a general practitioner. That’s more than a whole lot of people do.
  • Although a lot of people think fat people are liars (and I’ve blogged about that phenomenon, too), I see no reason to assume the letter writer is lying about what she’s been doing to improve her health.
  • Even if she is lying, she’s mainly only hurting herself by doing so. Continuing to nag her about her weight isn’t helpful, and might even be harmful, if she decides she no longer wants to visit the gyno.

I’ve mentioned that I very seldom go to doctors. I probably should go to one, especially now that I’ve hit menopause (or so I assume– it’ll be official in January if I don’t have a period). But I don’t go to doctors because I was harmed by a couple of them. Both were overly concerned and very critical about my weight when I had come to them for help with other issues. One of them actually physically hurt me and left me with some pretty awful trauma issues.

My decision to not see a doctor could be disastrous if I placed a high value on living for a long time (which I don’t). Or, my decision to see a doctor could be disastrous if I see one that gives me bad advice or just blows me off (see this post for an example of a situation like that), blaming all of my issues solely on my weight. It sure is annoying to have to PAY for that experience, especially when it turns out there actually was a pretty serious issue going on that had nothing to do with weight. Or, I could do everything right and still die in my 50s because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time (see here for an example of that scenario).

Life is a crapshoot. The one thing that is certain, for every single one of us, is that someday, we WILL all die. There is no escaping it. And while most people want to live for as long as possible, some folks would just as soon leave the party early. And then there are people who wouldn’t mind staying longer, but don’t have a date, have no transportation home, and/or can’t afford the bar bill. 😉

If you are an especially risk averse person, you might choose to go see every kind of doctor there is, listen to everything they say, and follow their advice religiously. Maybe, if you can afford to do that, and you still have time to do anything else, you might enjoy a long, healthy, pain free life. But most of us can’t do that, nor would we WANT to do it. Moreover, if you ever venture outside of your bed, you’re going to be at risk of freak accidents that could kill you faster than cancer and diabetes ever could. And hearing the same annoying warning chimes from one doctor, when we’ve already been “buckled up” by another, isn’t effective or useful. Sometimes, it’s necessary to turn off the seatbelt warning chimes to stay safe, and get from point A to point B without having a wreck.

So, I stand by my flippant “non-advice” for the letter writer to find another doctor or, if she doesn’t want to hear the incessant fat shaming warnings, simply stop seeing her (or any other) gyno. Like it or not, she’s going to die someday, anyway. It might even happen when she’s rockin’ down the highway, listening to the Doobie Brothers, while grimacing in annoyance at the sounds of the malfunctioning seatbelt warning chimes.

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condescending twatbags, language, overly helpful people, social media

No, I’m not gonna get on the word “ban-wagon”…

In May of 2013, Bill and I were sitting at a train station in Venice, Italy. We were waiting to catch our ride to Florence on Italo, a then brand new private Italian train company. As we were waiting, we heard an announcement in Italian about a train that was significantly delayed. The pre-recorded announcement did not use the word “delay”. Instead, it included an Italian incarnation of the word “retard”, used as an adjective.

Bill turned to me and said, “Now you see… there’s an instance in which the word “retard” is used in a completely non-offensive way.”

I have never forgotten that conversation, especially as more and more “woke” types feel the need to outright ban certain words from the English language. I am all for avoiding deliberately insulting others, especially those who suffer from any kind of intellectual disabilities that are beyond their control.

However, as I realized when we were at the train station in Italy, words have many nuances, usages, and definitions. Some words are inherently offensive, and almost always used in a hurtful way. And sometimes, people deliberately take offense at the use of a “taboo” word when absolutely no harm is intended. That causes problems that could just as easily be avoided if the person would simply be more mature and stop being willfully ignorant.

It’s been many years since I last used the word “retard” in the taboo way, although I will admit that in the 1980s, it was a word that was flung around on playgrounds and school busses with the greatest of ease. It was also used in plenty of 70s and 80s era comedies, both on television and in the movies. I can think of two films off the top of my head– very popular movies that still remain popular today–in which characters use the word “retard” as an insult.

Today, those films would probably not be made with the word “retard” used as an insult, although I would not be surprised if some incarnation of the word “douche” was used in its place. Personally, I find the word “douche” offensive for several reasons, but I’m not campaigning to have it banned. In many cultures, the word “douche” just means “shower”, and is perfectly useful and non-offensive. So rather than trying to get the word “douche” banned, I simply avoid using it myself.

As a lover of language, I can’t quite bring myself to jump on the “ban-wagon” when it comes to any word, even the ones that can start riots. I never think of words as things that should ever be banned, even when they are deemed very “offensive”. Instead, I am more concerned about context and the attitude behind the use of language. And yes, that means that I think words that people routinely campaign to have struck from the language are sometimes acceptable to use in certain contexts. To avoid being offended, it’s up to people to grow up and not be deliberately obtuse. Otherwise, they’re doomed to stay butthurt.

This morning, someone shared the below post on Facebook. If I had already had my coffee, I probably would have just rolled my eyes and ignored it. But instead, I left a response. Basically, I wrote that the word “retard” is only a slur if it’s used as an insult. There are other ways to use it that are totally neutral.

I knew I might regret leaving that comment, but the friend who shared this is usually a very understanding person. I figured she’d get what I mean. Besides, while I understand people being aggravated by insulting, demeaning language, I am aggravated by people who presume to tell me what I can or cannot say or write.

I think people should be responsible for their own use of language; most of them don’t need the language police to remind them to be “politically correct”. Frankly, I’m fed up with people who use social media as a place for that kind of soap box activism, particularly when all they’ve done is shared someone else’s viral post. Facebook was originally supposed to be fun, wasn’t it?

No, thank you, I won’t be teaching anyone that the word “retard” is worse than the word “fuck”. That’s someone’s “absolutely ridiculous” opinion… at least in MY opinion. I still get to have one, right?

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before someone came along and tried to school me about how the word “retard” is never acceptable. This person wrote that it’s no longer used by professionals and it’s outdated, etcetera, etcetera.

My response– simply because I was feeling stubborn and my verbal restraint reflex was somewhat “retarded”– was that yes, in fact, sometimes the word “retard” is perfectly acceptable and unoffensive. That word has other meanings besides the insulting one. The word “retard”, when used as a verb, means “to slow or delay”. That was how it was used at the train station in Italy. No one got offended when it was used in that way. I can think of other ways the word “retard” can be used that shouldn’t cause offense to anyone.

The person who challenged me came back and posted that she’s got autism. Actually, I believe she wrote that she’s “autistic”, and has an “autistic” child. I was a little surprised that she put it that way, since I thought the emphasis was supposed to be on the person rather than the condition. Like– I thought it was more politically correct to say, “I have autism” rather than “I’m autistic.” But I am not in that world, so I don’t know, and I wouldn’t presume to tell someone who is in that world how they should refer to themselves.

Besides, I don’t think of autism as something inherently good or bad. My husband’s older daughter is supposedly on the spectrum, but we know she is a brilliant artist and she’s proven that there’s nothing wrong with her intellect. I don’t know if she’s sorry she has autism. She no longer speaks to Bill. But, based on what I know about her, she’s got plenty of things going for her besides the condition of autism.

I responded to my friend’s friend that I was sorry that people have used the word “retard” in an offensive way, and that she is offended by its use. But I am not going to be told that I can’t use a word that I know is perfectly acceptable in many situations, simply because some group says it’s “offensive”, in and of itself. That’s wrong.

The challenger then asked me to use the word “retard” in an unoffensive way. So I wrote something along the lines of, “I see no reason to retard the development of languages by banning specific words.”

She then wrote that my answer was “stupid”. There was more to her comment, but I quit reading, because she made it clear that respectful communication and education weren’t her goals. Instead, it appeared that she wanted to disparage my intellect by referring to my answer as “stupid”. That’s brilliant, isn’t it? I guess she didn’t see the irony. She’s lecturing me about not ever using the word “retard” because it’s disrespectful and hurtful, but then she uses the word “stupid” to describe my comment and, based on her perceived tone, my intellect.

I truly didn’t want to get into a pissing match with this person, since I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me. If she did know me, she might be surprised by how “not stupid” I am, at least compared to the average person. Even if she did still think I’m stupid after meeting me, that would obviously be her uninformed and incorrect opinion.

I realized, however, that my time would probably be wasted trying to continue the conversation. As I didn’t want to get into a legitimate argument, I wrote “So now you are insulting me. That’s very nice. Have a good day.”

Normally, when a person writes “Have a good day.”, that means they’re done with the discussion and are politely trying to bow out. I figure that’s a more respectful way of leaving the conversation than telling them to “fuck off” is. But, as this person says she has autism, I guess she didn’t pick up on the social cue. She came back and wrote, “Feeling insulted, huh?” then continued with more insults…

I guess, if I were going to assign an emotion to how I felt about her response, it would be “annoyed” or maybe “puzzled”. It does seem strange to be preached at by a stranger about not offending people with intellectual disabilities by calling them “retarded” (which I never did), and then, in the next breath, having that same person refer to my comment as “stupid”.

If I had written that I thought her comment was “retarded”, what would her response be? Isn’t “stupid” just as offensive as “retarded”? At least the word “retard”, even when used an insulting way, indicates a medical condition that a person can’t help. Stupid just means a person or thing is dull-witted and unintelligent, whether or not they can help being that way. I can’t think of any way the word “stupid” could be used that isn’t negative.

I wrote something akin to, “No, I’m not ‘feeling insulted’. You’re being hypocritical, and I have other things to do. So kindly enjoy your day, and I will continue to speak and write as I please.” I truly wasn’t “insulted” by her comment, because I would have to care about her opinion to be insulted by it. But I will admit to being annoyed by her comments and her erroneous presumptions about me. Especially, since I truly didn’t attempt to insult her.

Then she wrote some sarcastic remark about how I can keep “offending” people with special needs, but at that point, I used my block button. Because I do actually have better things to do with my time today than argue with a perfect stranger about my vocabulary. Hell, cleaning the lint out of my belly button would be a better use of my time than continuing that unproductive discussion with someone whose mind is currently closed. She obviously didn’t see my point, and wasn’t going to try to see it. Instead, she was hellbent on “winning” the argument, and doing so in a disrespectful, non-empathic way. Still, she failed to convince me, so I guess she can keep fighting the good fight with someone else.

Some people might point out that I probably “asked” for this unpleasant exchange. I would agree with them that it’s mostly pointless to point out these kinds of language discrepancies among friends. A person who would share an image like the one above probably has strong feelings about the subject matter, but hasn’t thought very long and hard about them, and is just looking for likes and loves, rather than actual commentary.

On the other hand, I do get annoyed when some busybody presumes to correct my language. I’m an adult, and fully responsible for what I say and do. If I say something egregiously obnoxious or offensive, it may be appropriate to call me out for that. But I don’t really need my friends to pre-emptively instruct me on the proper way to use language.

Moreover, I think my opinions matter as much as anyone else’s do. I’ve spent my life being told that my thoughts and feelings don’t matter, so I tend to be strong-willed and argumentative about these things, now that I am an adult. I realize it’s hard to be assertive about such things without still inadvertently offending people. Such is life.

I do get irritated when people try to tell me how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. I think it’s disrespectful to try to read people’s minds, especially when they’re strangers. Maybe I would be happier if I just “let it go”, but I think that people who are able to do that often don’t think about much more other than what’s right in front of them.

Either that, or they’re like that Japanese monk Bill and I ran into a few years ago, who just radiated peace, serenity, and calmness. I have seen very few people like that in my lifetime. I would actually LOVE to be like that monk… although I realize I am ASSUMING he is actually as calm as he appeared. For all I know, he’s got a hot temper.

Perhaps today I will go out of my way to use the word “retard” in non-offensive ways. Of course, around here, most people speak German and don’t speak to me, anyway, so that effort might be lost on them. Also… when it comes to grammar policing, all bets are off.

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stupid people

I don’t care if strange men call me the c-word…

Today’s post is a very frank discussion of a certain hateful word toward women. Please don’t read this if you can’t handle it. It’s going to be quite raw and probably offensive.

Yesterday’s post is bleeding into today’s post… Heh heh heh… I wrote “bleeding”. Just got off the rag myself, because a certain part of my body has been bleeding this week. Monthly periods are a by product of being able to make babies. I won’t lie. They’re gross. But without that body function, none of us would be alive.

Apparently, some men feel that the vulgar word referring to that part of a woman’s body is the best insult to hurl at a woman… any woman at all. I got called a “cunt” on Facebook yesterday. I probably should have thought to take screen shots of the exchange, but I decided not to. I was on my iPad and it wasn’t convenient.

I was reading ol’ Ron’s inane conspiracy post about how the Democrats and the Chinese are colluding to destroy our American economy by spreading a dangerous viral pandemic and killing thousands of people. I read some of the comments on that post. A guy named “Bill”– not MY Bill, but another Bill that, in this post, I’ll call “‘ol Bill”– posted a meme featuring a picture of Donald Trump with both of his middle fingers in their upright and locked positions. The meme in question kind of looked like today’s featured photo, except both of Trump’s middle fingers were raised. It was obviously intended to be rude and insulting to anyone who isn’t a Trump fan. The meme included the caption, “Still your president.” And, with the raised fingers added the non-written sentiment, “so fuck you…”

I don’t usually respond to stuff like that, but for some reason, yesterday I was feeling kind of saucy. Maybe it’s all this social isolation and boredom that did me in, and my utter exhaustion at being confronted by boorish Trump lovers. So I posted the below picture… Actually, I posted a GIF, but this came up on my memories today and was convenient for this post…

Ol’ Bill didn’t like this much… and he responded to me with another meme styled personal insult.

I noticed that ol’ Bill had a photo of himself and, apparently, his son as his profile picture, with a caption indicating that he’s in favor of “men’s rights“. My guess is that he and the mother of his son are embroiled in a custody dispute, since ol’ Bill’s Facebook page was full of pictures of a young male child, Trump quotes, and comments about how it’s not fair that women get custody of children more often than men do.

For the record, I’m not totally against men’s rights, particularly when it comes to child custody issues. I strongly believe that, post birth, fathers must have parental rights, too, unless there is a damned good reason for them not to have them. I also think that some mothers should not have unbridled access to their children. My own husband, Bill, was denied contact with his daughters for almost their entire childhoods. Bill’s abusive ex wife is a terrible mother and, as we’ve recently learned, regularly uses her children to hurt other people. Bill’s ex puts her kids through hell. I still kick myself for not reporting Bill’s ex wife to child protective services, although back when it would have mattered, we didn’t have nearly as much information as we have today. I did struggle with the decision back then, but opted not to call, since we were in Virginia and they were in Arizona. I now know that my gut instinct was right on, and we should have reported her, fallout be damned.

In any case, if conservative, Trump loving, ‘ol Bill had gotten to know me, he might find that I do have some empathy for his plight. I’m not impressed by his political leanings, but the fact that he’s a Trumper doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t a good father. But I never got to tell him that, because unfortunately, ‘ol Bill then went right below the belt with a misogynistic insult. And I couldn’t help but think that maybe the mother of his son is right to keep the boy away from his father, who obviously hates women– or at least has a problem with them having any say.

I knew I’d struck a nerve by posting back to ‘ol Bill, even with a non profane picture of Trump with a frog on his face. I had a feeling that trolling him would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Just for fun, I called ‘ol Bill an off brand buttplug– a toy that can be enjoyed by anyone. I have to confess that it wasn’t an original insult. I read it in a hilarious open letter to Donald Trump and thought it was funny. I guess that hurt ‘ol Bill’s feelings, though, because next, he went right for my reproductive parts by coming back with this…

Wow… them’s fightin’ words, ain’t they? Luckily, when it comes to the c-word from strangers, I wear a steel plated panty shield.

Once again, I chose not to respond to ‘ol Bill with a meme. Instead, I wrote “Trump supporters aren’t known for being deep thinkers. I don’t care that you think I’m a cunt. I think you’re a load that should have been swallowed.” And that was the end of our discussion. I didn’t get any other notifications from ‘ol Bill. Hours later, I discovered that ‘ol Bill had blocked me, which suits me fine. As George Carlin would say, “you don’t want to have anything to do with an asshole like that.” I was glad he quit engaging, because it’s a strain to be vulgar to strangers and, if I’m honest, after the first couple of barbs, it ceases to be fun.

Before ‘ol Bill blocked me, I took an even longer look at his Facebook page. I could see that he has a young son that he apparently doesn’t get to see as often as he would like. I can only assume that the reason ‘ol Bill doesn’t see his son very often is because, for whatever reason, the boy’s mother doesn’t cooperate with him. And maybe that makes ‘ol Bill feel hateful toward her, and by proxy, all other women who take him on, especially on social media. Maybe that’s also why he admires Donald Trump. Trump openly disdains women, and doesn’t mind trying to put them in their places by making disgusting, gender specific comments about them and treating them like sex objects. For all I know, ‘ol Bill is actually a sweet person with a good heart. But I think he was hateful to me because I am a stranger who happens to own a body part that has ultimately caused him significant pain. And, just like the child he doesn’t see enough of, he’s lashing out in a childish way by going nuclear with the c-word.

I don’t usually engage with people like ‘ol Bill. I find that it’s a waste of time and energy, even if it’s sometimes fun to watch them squirm. I probably responded to him yesterday because I was so shocked by the sheer stupidity of that post by “‘ol Ron” and thousands of people posting who were patting him on the back for his non-sensical drivel about how evil liberals are. I’m tired of the daily Trump shitshow, the lack of civility and interest in working together for the common good, and the idiocy that is inspired by Trump’s non-stop lunacy. I’m offended by people who openly taunt those of us who are sincerely worried and upset about Trump’s disastrous leadership, particularly when they do it in a profane way. Every once in awhile, God help me, I simply can’t resist.

But today’s post isn’t so much about Trump and Trump’s seemingly hellbent intention of destroying the country. Today I want to address men who think the word “cunt” is the best weapon to use in an argument with a woman. Guys, the fact is, it’s not. In fact, whether or not the word “cunt” is offensive depends on where you’re from. In the United Kingdom and Australia and other British influenced cultures, the word “cunt” is not even all that gender specific. Calling someone a cunt in England is akin to saying they’re stupid. It’s just like the word “fag”, which is so offensive in the United States, is not at all offensive in England, where it’s a slang term for cigarettes. As George Carlin would say, the words are totally neutral and innocent. Words are just tools. It’s the intention behind them that make them “good” or “bad”.

Please tell me. Why should I care if someone like ‘ol Bill calls me a cunt? Am I supposed to be hurt that some strange guy I’ve never even met supposedly thinks I’m a cunt? I don’t even know ‘ol Bill, and he doesn’t know me, so his comment isn’t personal. He’s certainly not the first person to call me a cunt. I’ve survived every other time someone’s called me that. He was simply lashing out, and my retort that he’s a load that should have been swallowed apparently cut him deeply enough to block me. It shouldn’t have, though. I was simply giving him what he put out… and I don’t know him, so whether or not his mother should have spat or swallowed instead of conceiving him is immaterial to me.

For all I know, ‘ol Bill is not an off brand buttplug. He might be a swell guy, like my Bill is. I do think, however, that he asks for insults by taunting people with stupid memes featuring Donald Trump with his middle fingers raised. I mean, if you respect Trump, why would you use his picture to insult perfect strangers? The middle finger is, in and of itself, intended to be rude. When you use a world leader to put out that message, it becomes more personal and offensive. That meme wouldn’t have drawn the same reaction if ‘ol Bill had used a stick figure with middle fingers raised instead of Trump’s picture. But he started our unfortunate encounter by using Trump to insult all comers. Is he surprised someone called him out for doing that? Would he have had the same reaction if I’d been a man?

The word “cunt” to an American woman is supposed to be a deeply personal, hurtful insult. If someone I loved and respected– say my dear husband, Bill– called me a cunt, I would probably be very hurt and angry. But honestly, when some guy I don’t know or respect calls me a cunt, supposedly to put me in my place, all I really feel like doing is laughing at the stupidity of it. Especially when I can see on the guy’s Facebook page that a fellow cunt owner has obviously deeply injured him and has apparently made him hate every other cunt owner out there. And yet… I highly doubt that ‘ol Bill is gay, so deep down, he probably enjoys interactions with cunts. His pecker probably craves the occasional meeting with that particular part of a woman’s anatomy. Indeed, it was a cunt that provided Bill with everything– from his own life, to the life of the boy whose photos are plastered all over his Facebook page.

Yes… besides ‘ol Bill’s mother, who probably had conventional sex with ‘ol Bill’s father and passed the baby version of ‘ol Bill through her cunt, another “cunt” has also given something very precious to ‘ol Bill. Now, it appears that the owner of the cunt ‘ol Bill’s son sprang from has taken away that gift by denying him equal access to the boy. So now, ‘ol Bill responds by championing misogynists like Donald Trump and attacking women he doesn’t even know with a very insulting word that is usually meant for the end of a heated argument.

Like I said, the word “cunt”, in the American style, is supposedly designed to be cruel, hateful, and demeaning. But it really only has power if the person on the receiving end cares about the opinion of the person who said it. And beyond thinking about ‘ol Bill’s “insult” for the purpose of writing this post, I genuinely don’t care that he called me that word, even if he really does think I’m a cunt. People I have known, loved, and respected have said much worse things to me than ‘ol Bill did. It’s probably because of those people that I engaged with ‘ol Bill in the first place, because I have my own anger issues.

So… to all of you guys out there who feel that calling a woman a “cunt” is the worst thing you can do– particularly if you also add the word “fat” in front of it, I have news for you. It’s very likely that the woman you’re calling a cunt doesn’t give a shit about your opinion. In fact, most of us know that most of you crave access to our cunts and that’s your very specific and pathetic weakness. When you resort to using that word to demean women, you’re really just showing us how weak and sad you are because some woman in your life hurt you and denied you access to her body… and you are reminding us that when it comes down to it, without cunts, you wouldn’t even be here. I suggest you come up with something else.

Yeah… but even this isn’t that offensive, is it?

And… if you are an obvious Trump supporter calling me a cunt, just know that I think it’s hilarious, and you might even inspire me to write about you. Because, just like ‘ol Bill and Donald Trump, you’re stupid and ultimately powerless. A stronger leader than Trump wouldn’t have daily meltdowns on TV and Twitter, and blame other people for his own obvious failures and egregious mistakes. It’s true that Trump is in charge right now, but one day, he definitely won’t be. And you’ll be on the wrong side of history, just like Hitler’s supporters are.

Now… I’m off to give my cunt some much needed attention.

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poor judgment

Will the swastika design ever be okay again?

Many thanks to Wikipedia user Wojsław Brożyna, for use of today’s  image.

120px-Four-swastika_collage_(transparent)

Please note: This is a volatile enough subject that I must preemptively state that I’m not advocating for the display of hateful symbols. I present this topic only as food for thought.

For thousands of years, the humble swastika was a symbol of peace, prosperity, and good luck in Hindu and Buddhist cultures.  This earliest known use of the ancient character dates back to 10,000 BC, in Mezine, Ukraine, where it was found in archaeological remains.  For most of its existence, the swastika was regarded as a positive symbol promoting auspiciousness and bounty. But then came World War I, when the swastika was co-opted by other organizations.  Then there was World War II, Adolf Hitler, and the Nazi Party, which carried out the Holocaust.  Now, swastikas are regarded by most people in western culture as a symbol of terror, racism, and hatred. 

In Germany today, it’s illegal to display swastikas or any other symbol related to Nazism.  Many people from the west recoil when they see a swastika, even though it’s still revered in Eastern cultures.Yesterday, I read a news story about a ride at a German amusement park that opened in late July.  It’s operated less than three weeks, but is now shut down because its design looks like a couple of swirling swastikas.  The ride, called Eagle Fly, was designed by an Italian company and had just been installed at Tatzmania, an amusement park in the Black Forest town of Löffingen.  The park’s owner, Rüdiger Braun, had not noticed the ride’s resemblance to swastikas when he made plans to have it built.  When the unfortunate design was pointed out to him, Braun was quick to take the ride out of service, where it was reconfigured so that the gondolas no longer resemble swastikas.  There will now be three gondolas per axle instead of four.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that the ride is now reconfigured.  Germans are understandably very sensitive about swastikas.  It’s forbidden to display them in Germany, and someone no doubt would have complained about the design.  Mr. Braun probably would have been fined and forced to change the design, anyway.  However, when I was reading about this mishap, once again, I was reminded of how much emphasis we put on symbols and their ability to offend.  I wondered if the ride’s designer had really intended the gondolas to be configured in such a way that they’d remind people of the Holocaust.  I also wondered how many people immediately thought of Hitler when they saw the ride in operation.  Obviously, Mr. Braun hadn’t noticed it himself.

I shared this article on Facebook.  My German friend, Susanne, is very familiar with Tatzmania before it was named such.  She is originally from Freiburg, and Tatzmania, which used to be called Schwarzwaldpark, is located not far from there.  She wrote that Schwarzwaldpark used to be pretty awesome, but then it was purchased by new owners, who kind of ran it into the ground.  She hoped that the new owner would bring the park back to its prior “super” level, although having a ride that resembles swirling swastikas may have gotten things off on the wrong foot. 

Susanne shared another story with me about clothing racks at a Berlin outlet of the German store, Kik.  The racks looked like swastikas, and a teenager had criticized it.  Later, it was said that the teen was banned from the store for making that comment.  Kik representatives later said that teen had not been banned and furthermore, the clothing racks were not meant to symbolize anything hateful.  They were simply intended to hold up clothes.  Officials from Kik also plainly stated that the company is opposed to racism, xenophobia, and neo-Nazism.

It occurred to me that even though I’ve read a lot about the Holocaust, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed that the clothes racks were shaped like swastikas.  Maybe it’s because I’m not Jewish.  I also doubt that the people behind the racks’ design meant to offend more than they meant to present a practical design for displaying clothes to paying customers.On my old blog, I’ve written a couple of posts about how I’ve seen Europeans displaying the “stars and bars” version of the Confederate flag, especially on the Autobahns. 

A few years ago, I saw several battle flags on display at a truck stop in northern Italy, not far from the Swiss border.  One of my Italian friends explained that the Confederate battle flag has been adopted by some southern Italians who relate to it, not because they believe in slavery or white supremacy, but because of the “battle” between the northern and southern regions of Italy.  They identify with the southern United States and its rivalry with the north.I also saw a Confederate battle flag in Ireland.  It was on the back of our cab driver’s car.  I doubt it had the same significance to him that it did to Bill and me.  He probably just thought it was a cool symbol of rebellion.  That symbol doesn’t mean as much to him because he’s Irish, and American history isn’t a priority to him.  It would have been strange to tell him that the battle flag on his car is offensive to many Americans, even though I’m sure it got a lot of double takes from my countrymen.  After all, Ireland isn’t my country, and I was a guest.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I think revising the attitudes behind hateful symbols is much more important than quashing the symbols themselves.  In my opinion, symbols only have the power that people give to them.  Does that mean I think it’s a wise thing for someone to display Confederate battle flags and swastikas willy nilly?  No, it doesn’t.  But I also think people should use common sense and determine context before they get too excited about some things.  

This isn’t a new topic for me.  I’ve written lots of times about how much I dislike the idea of banning words and burying symbols.  I think all words have a use, even if the use is mostly negative.  I’ve read too many slave narratives and listened to too much Stevie Wonder to be in favor of banning the so-called “n word”.  Taken in context, that word has a purpose.  It should never be used to hurt others, but it would be crazy to remove it from historical documents.  That word has been used to hurt and denigrate Black people for hundreds of years.  No, we shouldn’t continue to use it to hurt and denigrate, but erasing it from history would also be wrong.  It’s an ugly part of history, but it’s still a part of history.  If we remove it simply because it’s offensive, then people might forget about its impact. 

But also consider that even words like “fag” and “retard”, considered “hateful” in some societies today, also had practical uses before they were co-opted by the hateful.  In fact, in countries other than the United States, those words are used all the time and aren’t considered offensive.  They don’t mean the same thing in England or Italy as they do in the USA.  And if we ban those words and symbols, those groups will simply come up with new ones.I did share my basic thoughts on the swirling swastika ride on Facebook. 

I think one of my Jewish friends was slightly offended that I wasn’t more outraged by it.  I certainly mean no disrespect to my Jewish friends.  The Holocaust was absolutely a horrible time in history.  But swastikas were ripped off by Nazis.  For thousands of years, they had no negative connotation at all.  If the world doesn’t end in the next couple of hundred years, there may come a time when people no longer see it as offensive.  It will be just another part of history. 

I think many westerners think only about their own cultures and perspectives when they see or hear certain things.  It may be helpful to broaden one’s perspective regarding words and symbols before allowing them to be too upsetting. Isn’t there enough legitimately awful stuff in the world to be offended about, rather than something that brings to mind something offensive, even if it really wasn’t meant to be?

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