divorce, Ex, lessons learned, mental health, psychology, YouTube

“Kicking the cat…” What happens when anger is displaced…

Many years ago, when I was a college student at what is now Longwood University, I took a course called Interpersonal Communication. I took it because I was pursuing minors in both speech and communications, and the course counted for both minors. I don’t remember being particularly excited about the class when I signed up for it, but it turned out to be an interesting field of study. I remember it to be an examination of how people communicate in different settings, and while it was not a psychology class, certain psychological terms and concepts were covered. In fact, even though I took Psychology 101 during my freshman year, I distinctly remember learning about the concept of psychological projection for the first time in my Interpersonal Communication course. It was also in that class that I first learned about “displaced anger”.

Although Dr. Nancy Anderson Haga, the professor who taught that class, has long since retired, I remember that she was among the very first professors I met at Longwood when I was a fresh high school graduate attending orientation. I was struck by how energetic, caring, and positive she was. Then a couple of years later, when I was about 20 years old, I was in her class, and she was teaching us about how we communicate with each other. I didn’t know then that one of her lessons would come back to me in bold relief, two weeks before my 50th birthday.

Last night, Bill watched a video his younger daughter sent to him. She was thanking him for a box of goodies he sent to her, with stuff we picked up on recent trips to France and Italy, as well as some very superior German chocolate. In the course of the video, younger daughter talked about how much she loves to cook. Bill also loves to cook. So do I… or, at least I did before Bill took over the job. I used to be a great cook, and always enjoyed it because it was a creative activity. There’s an art to making something taste good, look appetizing, and be nurturing. Actually, I’m not that good at making “pretty food”, but I am pretty good at making food that is comforting. Bill is also good at that, and he’s also a fan of good presentation. He’s been known to plate our dinners with flair.

Younger daughter talked about how one of her in-laws really loves fresh bread, and he likes to have it at every meal. She likes to bake, so she was thinking she might like to make some bread to take over to her husband’s family’s house. I like to bake bread too, especially when I’m in a bad mood and need to pound the shit out of something. Bread baking is great for that.

As she was talking about baking rolls from scratch, younger daughter stated that she wasn’t always sure if people appreciated her efforts. Then her face got very serious and pained, and she said, “The only person who has ever complained about my cooking is my mother.”

One time, she asked Bill if her mother (Ex) had ever complained about his cooking. Bill had replied, “Of course. All the time!” As he was telling me about talking to his daughter about this, he laughed. But I can imagine that when Ex criticized his cooking, it probably really hurt his feelings. Here he had taken the time and expended the effort to make something nourishing for his ex wife, and her only thought was to disdain it in a mean way. Younger daughter then related a story that, frankly, I found heartbreaking. I could also see that telling us the story was making her feel bad anew, even though the incident had happened years ago.

Younger daughter and her older sister were tasked to cook for the whole family. If they didn’t cook, food wouldn’t be made, and someone would probably get into trouble. She explained that Ex and #3 were going through a particularly lean financial period. Consequently, there was very little food in the house. And yet, it was younger daughter’s implied duty to make dinner every night. There she was, faced with the task of making dinner for seven people, but there simply wasn’t much food in the house to accomplish that goal.

Younger daughter looked around to see what there was on hand to make dinner. She found frozen pie crust, instant mashed potatoes, some frozen vegetables, and a single chicken breast. Perfect! She could make a shepherd’s pie, of sorts. That would have been what both Bill and I would have done in that situation. It was quite genius, and she was able to make something edible and probably even tasty.

Younger daughter put together the pie, and was feeling pretty good and accomplished. Then Ex came home from wherever she’d been during the day. Younger daughter proudly presented the pie she had created out of the few ingredients in the house. Ex’s response was to declare it disgusting, refuse to eat, and lock herself in her bedroom for the rest of the evening.

I could tell that relating that story was very painful for younger daughter. But then she brightened and said she was grateful for where she is now. Ex no longer has the power over her that she once had. Like Bill, younger daughter was able to escape the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). But the scars remain, and I know how that feels. Sometimes, old memories still come up that bring on the pain from the past.

Of course, Bill was pretty angry when he heard that story. I don’t know exactly when the incident happened, but it sounds like it might have occurred when Ex was still being paid child support. I believe younger daughter got the hell out of her mother’s house as soon as she could after turning 18. Either way, it was Ex’s responsibility to see that there was food in the house, and to make sure her children had enough to eat. Complicating matters was the fact that she wouldn’t allow Bill to help his daughters. She was too angry with him for that. We didn’t know this was going on, because they couldn’t and wouldn’t talk to Bill during that time. If Bill had known about this, he would have taken action. In retrospect, we should have taken action when she refused to let him communicate with his kids, but it seemed like it would have been a waste of time, since they were teenagers.

And that’s where the lesson about “displaced anger” comes into play. I remember learning about the concept in that college class at Longwood, and thatโ€™s why I titled this post “kicking the cat”. Displaced anger– otherwise known as “misplaced anger”– is when a person deals with their anger by directing it at a less threatening cause. It can take different forms. For instance, a person who was raised in an abusive home, with a parent who beat them, might try to soothe themselves by saying that it was okay that their parent hit them, since “that was how things were back in the day”. Or they might say, “he or she was just trying to make me tougher.” Meanwhile, the righteous anger is boiling under the surface, and it comes out against someone or something that is less able to fight back.

I remember in my Interpersonal Communication class, as she was explaining “displaced anger”, Dr. Haga talked about a man who comes home from work, angry with his boss for acting like a jerk. Instead of addressing the jerk boss, since that doesn’t feel like a safe thing to do, the man kicks his cat. Or he gets drunk and verbally abusive, and beats on his wife. Or he snaps at his daughter that the dinner she made looks and tastes like shit. Or maybe, if he’s a really sick and violent person, he takes the family dog out to the desert and shoots it (sadly, I do remember hearing and writing about a man who did this when he was angry with his wife).

It doesn’t matter that expressing anger in this way is harmful to innocent people or animals. The anger feels like it has to come out, and it doesn’t feel possible for the man to direct it toward the appropriate person, so the man directs it at individuals who seem weaker and less threatening. I grew up in a home where I often got abused by angry people– especially my dad and one of my sisters. They would often take their anger out on me, because I was the youngest and, at least for a long time, the weakest. Usually, the anger doesn’t really dissipate, though, especially when there are consequences for expressing anger in such a way. I will also admit that I have expressed anger inappropriately by directing it toward the wrong source. I now try to do better, as much as I’m able. Therapy is a good thing.

Last week, I wrote a post about how I’ve gotten hooked on Code Blue Cam, a YouTube channel devoted to police work. In a lot of the videos, the perpetrators who get busted are clearly mentally ill or under the influence of something. A lot of times, they are also very angry and agitated. I watched a video this morning that featured a man who was extremely belligerent and defiant. The police were trying to be kind and helpful, but this man was consumed with rage. He was extremely abusive toward the police, as well as the civilians who were involved in the altercation which caused the police to be summoned in the first place.

This video begins with a drunk woman who gets hauled off to jail, but it ends with the belligerent man, whose tone goes from extremely rude and defiant, to desperate and pleading.

I found the above video kind of hard to watch… but it was also kind of fascinating, because before the guy was put in handcuffs, he was a complete asshole. I sat there wondering what in the world had happened to him that had caused him to seethe with so much rage. But then, when he was finally arrested and placed in handcuffs, his tone became pathetic. He openly said on more than one occasion that he hoped the police would just shoot him. This is a miserable person with deep problems and a lot of unprocessed anger, which was coming out inappropriately. It wasn’t that different than Ex being nasty to younger daughter for making something she didn’t want to eat for dinner.

Another video, this time involving young men who were in deep trouble and expressing negativity in a destructive way. One of the young men openly expresses disappointment in himself and how his life has turned out… and says he wishes the cops would kill him. He obviously needs help.

Maybe the teens in the above video were trying to be manipulative. I think the guy in the first video was very manipulative, and if these two young guys in the above video don’t get some real help, they will wind up like him and either spend a lot of time in prison or get themselves killed. But I could hear real anguish in their voices. Bad things happened to them that led them to where they are now, and unfortunately, they weren’t able to find the kind of help they needed to avoid ending up on the wrong side of the law.

I have no doubt in my mind that Ex has experienced some really terrible things in her life. I know that she suffered horrific abuse when she was growing up. I’m pretty certain that she’s an extremely angry person, and that anger stems from the people in her life who failed her when she was a child. I think she’s also angry with Bill. He probably had her thinking he could heal her and solve her problems. Bill is a very kind, nurturing, loving and gentle person. I know this for a fact, because I’m his second wife. He doesn’t have a mean or violent bone in his body. However, like most people, he does have a red line, and if you cross it, he’ll be done with you. I think Ex thought she would never reach that red line, because he is such a kind and patient man. But she did reach it, and he decided he was done. So, when she presented divorce papers to him in a very dramatic and manipulative drama held over Easter at Bill’s dad’s house, she never expected that he would agree that their marriage was over and offer to sign the papers. He went off script.

Ex was expecting Bill to say, “No, we won’t have any of that…” and try even harder to please her. That was what he’d done in the past. But, after almost ten years, he was just done. He had gotten away from her toxic influence while they were separated, and realized that there’s life beyond divorce. He found out that he didn’t have to live the way he’d been living. He knew he wouldn’t be alone, and that being broke was temporary. So he called her bluff, and fucked up her vision of what was supposed to happen. She had to adjust, and I think wound up with someone who was even less suitable for her. But she’s smart enough not to threaten divorce with #3, because it’s doubtful she’d find a #4. Or, at least she won’t be able to hook someone by having kids with them.

But she was still left with two tangible remnants from their marriage– their two daughters. So she decided to keep the girls away from Bill, as a means of punishing him for “abandoning” her. At the same time, she treated them particularly badly, because they probably remind her of Bill. As younger daughter got older, she started to develop the same kind of self-preservation skills that Bill has. She started to go off script, and she rebelled. Ex responded by being inappropriately angry. She “kicked the cat”– in this case, younger daughter– instead of finding a healthier and more appropriate outlet for her rage. Instead of being grateful that younger daughter had managed to cobble together dinner with very few ingredients, which were ultimately Ex’s responsibility to provide, Ex was angry and mean. And now, I think she’s paying a price, since it’s obvious that younger daughter is now alienated from her mom.

Younger daughter ended her video call on a happy note. She said she was so grateful to the other people in her life who are kind and considerate. She even said she was grateful to me, of all people. That made me feel really good. For years, I was angry with her and her sister, because I know their dad, and I know he was “kicked” by Ex for years. Now I have empathy for them, because I know they’ve felt the pain from Ex’s proverbial shoe, too. They have been on the receiving end of her misplaced anger. Thankfully for younger daughter, she’s managed to develop the skills to get out of the strike zone. Unfortunately, I’m afraid the people who have chosen to stay around Ex are paying for the independence of those who have left. I can only hope that someday, older daughter will get out of the strike zone, too.

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true crime, videos, YouTube

I found a new “true crime” time drain on YouTube…

A few days ago, I was watching YouTube, and I noticed that I got a new channel suggestion. I often try to ignore new channel suggestions, because sometimes they turn out to be really lame AI generated videos that aren’t very interesting and basically exist just to generate ad revenue. A lot of channels dedicated to covering reality TV D-list celebrities like the Duggars, for instance, are obviously made by bots. Or, at least they’re narrated by bots, who can’t even properly pronounce names.

I also try to avoid finding new channels, because if they’re good, they turn into obligatory rabbit holes that I fall down and get hooked on. I end up wasting a lot of time watching stuff when I could be doing something more constructive. Or, I end up inadvertently getting sucked into dramas generated by YouTube creators. Like, for instance, this morning, I watched a video by Katie Joy from Without A Crystal Ball that was about how her “stalker”, a British woman named Natalie Kennett, finally got arrested.

Scary stuff!

And Katie Joy’s spawned another video by a different content creator whose channel I discovered a few months ago…

I’m sure there are other videos, too.

If I wanted to, I could spend all day watching this stuff, and while I am definitely a bored housewife with too much time on my hands, I don’t need to spend all day wasting time on this crap. I’ve still got some semblance of a life, right? ๐Ÿ˜‰ On the other hand, I can sympathize with Katie Joy, since I had an issue of my own with a “stalker” (of sorts) a few years ago, who was making offline trouble for me. Some people don’t like content creators, and I’ll admit, I don’t always shy away from controversy. I wish I could be a really pleasant person, like v-logger Katie Wenger of Meet the Wengers, who has a great channel on YouTube. Her videos are almost always upbeat, uplifting, and positive. But I suspect that even Katie has haters, somewhere out there, and I know that I have some, too.

I have seen a lot of people on YouTube posting negative stuff about Katie Joy. I don’t pay attention to most of it, because that drama is not something I want to be involved with, nor do I have an opinion about Katie Joy as a person. I’ve got enough of my own problems, and my own dramas. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Still, it was interesting and scary to hear about how this random woman in Britain has been stalking Katie Joy and causing her some real life, offline issues that even involved the police! Crazy!

The other day, I noticed that I had a new channel suggestion on YouTube, and against my better judgment, I ended up watching the first video… Sure enough, I got hooked. I spent a couple of hours on Wednesday, and most of yesterday afternoon, watching Code Blue Cam, which is a channel that features body cam videos from police officers in La Crosse, Wisconsin. I have to admit, this channel has some very compelling content, and while I wouldn’t have expected it, I’ve actually come away with a very positive impression of the police officers in La Crosse. At least on the videos featured on Code Blue Cam, they’ve all seemed to be kind, easy going, and professional, even treating the most egregiously badly behaved suspects with decency and fairness. Have a look at the videos below to see what I mean.

They’re actually really nice to this girl, even though she’s “absolutely nuts”.
And this officer is actually pretty kind to this lady, even though she was doing 137 MPH. Yes, she was arrested, but the cops were surprisingly polite as they put her in cuffs. In fact, they even seemed concerned about her.
Here’s a lady who clearly has mental health issues and she screams at the cops, calling them filthy names… and yet, they stay calm and collected. They even offer to crack the window down for her.
Cody, in his Garfield sweatshirt, told his girlfriend “I got this, babe” before he totaled his car.

These are just a few of the more entertaining videos I’ve watched on Code Blue Cam. I will warn that they don’t censor the language on these videos, and some of the people who get arrested use filthy words– like, the worst words you can think of, to include the n-bomb, the f-bomb, and the c-bomb. Personally, I don’t mind that they don’t censor, since I think censoring words is a stupid practice. And I mean that for ALL words… especially when we know what the word is, anyway. What’s the point of bleeping? You might as well just let it out, so we all know what was actually said. I’m surprised that YouTube doesn’t bust Code Blue Cam, though, since I notice that Katie Joy and other content creators don’t use certain words. Like, for instance, instead of saying words like rape, porn, or even “stalker”, they’ll use the first letter, or spell it out. What’s the difference? We know what they mean, right? How is it better not to say the word?

Code Blue Cam does occasionally mute what people say, probably for legal reasons, and they do sometimes censor video to prevent getting strikes on YouTube. That makes sense. But, if you choose to watch this channel, be advised that you might hear language that is highly objectionable, or see people doing things that are outrageous. Below are a few videos that show what I mean about that…

Kudos to the cops for not knocking the shit out of this woman. Seriously!
Is she wearing men’s underwear?
And this woman acts like she’s going to put the cops in time out, or something. What the hell? Glad she can count to three, at least.

I’m not a huge fan of cops who act like bullies, but by and large, the police in these videos are very patient and decent. They are a credit to their community. And, honestly, it’s unbelievable what they have to tolerate. People don’t seem to have any respect for anyone anymore.

I don’t know if the videos on Code Blue Cam are representative of all of the police dealings in La Crosse, but I think they are a good public relations tool. It’s nice to see videos that depict police officers acting very professionally. Even when they get to the jail, the cops are decent. Sometimes, they even show up with wheelchairs for the less cooperative folks. Kudos to these cops… and thank God I don’t do police work for a living.

Anyway, it’s a nice Friday today, so I think I’ll end this post and take the boys for a walk… and practice guitar, and read a book… and maybe take a nap. My own YouTube channel got a new video yesterday, which is not controversial or offensive in the least…

Yes, that’s me… and since I was drinking wine, I’m a bit flushed.

Hope everyone has a great weekend… See you tomorrow, unless I get arrested.

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