divorce, Ex

A long, strange trip…

This morning started like any other morning, nowadays. I woke up at about 4:00am. I thought maybe Arran needed to go out, but apparently it was just my internal alarm clock. About a half hour later, I got up to let the dogs pee and feed them. I prefer to feed them a little later, but they were obviously ready to eat. Then I went back to bed to read up on current events.

A couple of hours later, I came across a column in The Atlantic written by Lori Gottlieb, a therapist who has also written several books. I read one of her books years ago. It was called Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self, and it was a surprisingly entertaining account of her experiences with anorexia nervosa. Which isn’t to say that I think Gottlieb’s book is the best one on the subject. I do remember writing a review for Epinions.com and not giving it a glowing review, even though I thought the writing was kind of oddly quirky and sometimes even funny.

Anyway, Gottlieb, who grew up in California, is now a columnist for The Atlantic and works as a psychotherapist in New York City. This morning, there was a link to a column she posted on January 28, 2019. The post was entitled “Dear Therapist: I’m Dating a Divorced Man With Kids, and It’s Harder Than I Thought”. This was written in the days before the fucking COVID-19 pandemic happened. As such, it seems oddly normal.

The letter writer explains that she’s 33 years old and her boyfriend is 48. He is divorced, while she’s never been married. He has three kids from his failed marriage. Letter writer has none. Right off the bat, I connected. I am almost eight years younger than Bill is, and of course, he was divorced and had two kids with his ex wife. He also has an ex stepson that he’d always treated (and paid for) as his own son, although it later became clear that ex stepson didn’t see Bill the way Bill saw him. Maybe his sentiments have changed with age, but he hasn’t spoken to Bill since 2009, when he got busted red-handed trying to pull a fast one over Bill’s money.

The letter writer explains that she is fed up with her boyfriend’s ex wife, who is very needy, dramatic, and apparently a leech. Letter writer is having trouble coming to terms with having the ex in her life. She texts the boyfriend for all manner of things including discipline of the kids. Letter writer feels intruded upon and although she loves her man very much, the ex looms in the shadows. And every time the phone goes off, the letter writer feels violated.

I know how she feels. For most of my marriage to Bill, I have had a deep resentment and outright hatred for his ex wife. I’m not going to sugar coat it, because that’s truly how I’ve felt, and it hasn’t been without reason. However, unlike the ex in the letter writer’s situation, Bill’s ex was infinitely more toxic and hateful. She made it impossible for Bill to have any relationship whatsoever with his children as she bled him dry financially. She told baldfaced lies to the children about how Bill and I met and told his parents lies about his behavior toward her. For years, she had Bill’s stepmother believing that he was a wife beater. My husband’s stepmother actually asked me if Bill abused me like he did Ex. I actually laughed out loud at that notion because it was so ridiculous.

The first few years of our marriage were truly “broke” years, as Bill sent half his salary to his ex wife, who treated him like shit. I blame my husband’s ex wife for the fact that I never had children. I don’t think I’m wrong to blame her, either. Bill had a vasectomy because she demanded that he get one. Then she divorced Bill and had two more children with her third husband. Meanwhile, we were too broke to be able to afford reproductive assistance at the time when it would have been the most likely to be successful. Bill did, at least, have the vasectomy reversed by the Army. That felt like taking back a bad decision that Bill was bullied into making. I wish we could have had a baby together… but as I’ve said recently, maybe it’s a blessing that we didn’t.

As we’ve gotten older, our financial situation has markedly improved, but I had to let go of the idea of being a mother. Meanwhile, Bill’s daughters disowned him and refused to speak to him at all for about fifteen years. I can’t tell you how many times Bill cried over being shut out of his daughters’ lives. It was extremely painful and totally unnecessary. What can I say? She’s more interested in maintaining control and hurting people than doing the right thing for her children.

As time went on, the resentment simmered… until early 2017, when Bill and his younger daughter started to reconnect. I was beginning to think I would always have rage toward my husband’s ex wife and daughters. I didn’t trust younger daughter when she started talking to Bill. I didn’t want her in our lives, because I was under the impression that she was like her mother. For the first fourteen years of our marriage, they were always in the shadows, looming over everything. I was tired of the drama and the intrusions, especially on holidays. Ex had made it clear that she only wanted Bill’s money and to blame him for the way her life was. The children wouldn’t speak to him or even acknowledge him as their father. I wanted them to cut ties once and for all and just leave us alone.

It turned out that younger daughter isn’t like Ex at all. In fact, it turns out that she’s really Bill’s daughter in terms of her looks and her behavior. A year ago, Bill was in Utah visiting her for the first time since Christmas 2004. A year ago, I wrote a scathing blog post about the revelations that came out after that visit. I was seething with anger about what had happened… but this time, it wasn’t just for Bill. It was for his daughters, too… and everyone else who suffered because of Ex’s lies and manipulations.

The writer of the letter in Lori Gottlieb’s column doesn’t have it nearly as bad as Bill and I did. Although in her case, the ex is certainly a nuisance, it’s clear that the ex lets the children see and speak to their father. She may be needy and intrusive, but it doesn’t sound like she’s purely evil. I’m sure that column will get a lot of rude comments from the masses who have no empathy for women who date men with kids. People always expect women to have endless compassion, patience, and love for the children in a relationship, even if it’s impossible, undeserved, or even undesired.

Lori Gottlieb gave the letter writer sensible advice, letting them know that when you date a man with children, the ex is often part of the package. In most cases, so are the children. I remember being fully prepared to accept Bill’s children, although not being a child of divorce myself, I couldn’t necessarily relate to their trauma. But I had an open mind and an open heart, and I was prepared to do what I could… at least in the early years. When they were at their most alienated, I will admit I closed myself off. I was really fed up with the bullshit and it was the only way I could stand it.

I’m glad Bill didn’t close off his heart. A year ago today, he saw his daughter in person and they shared a long hug and spent two solid days talking. It was a very good visit, overall. Bill met his son in law and grandchildren. But, as it always is whenever Ex is involved in anything, there was a lot of time spent debriefing and clearing the air. I’ve visited Bill’s late dad’s house three times. All three times, we basically sat around and talked about Ex and her crazy shit. Bill’s dad never got a chance to really get to know me before he died last year. So much time and energy was spent trying to deal with the crazy shit she threw at us. The same went for Bill’s two short days with his daughter, with whom he faithfully Skypes and emails now. Older daughter remains estranged, to her detriment.

This morning, I changed the privacy settings on those two posts I wrote about last year’s visit. The first one is very raw and profane, because I was extremely angry about how Ex had gotten away with torturing her family for so many years. The second one is less intense, but I had it protected anyway. A year has passed and the pain is much less intense now… with a year, comes perspective. Bill and I know we can survive, and our love has stood some pretty horrible stuff. I’ve come to respect Bill’s younger daughter. I can’t say I love her yet, because we’ve still only met in person once. But I’m willing to try, because I know Bill adores his daughters. Nothing would please him more than to have both of them in his life.

I used to have a flaming hot rage toward Ex. I truly hated her with a passion. I was obsessed with my hatred for her and my outrage at how she got away with blatant abuse that other people tolerated. I know that hating her was harmful to me, but I just couldn’t help it. She was just a despicable, horrible, abusive woman. And people would blame me for her shit. I couldn’t even talk about it without risking comments from the uninformed, trying to blame it on me. Listen… I am plenty willing to accept responsibility when I screw up. But I honestly had nothing to do with my husband’s divorce from his ex wife, and I never had the chance to screw with his ex wife or their kids. All I did was encourage Bill to be strong and assertive. Abusive liars don’t like that, of course. It makes them angry.

This sums it up.

I can say now that these days, I pretty much don’t care about Ex and rarely think about her anymore. I mostly see her as pathetic now. I hate what she did, and I was extremely angry to hear about the things she did… the lies she told… and the way she treated her children like possessions to be jealously guarded or cast out, as the mood suited her. Ex isn’t a threat to me personally anymore, though, so I don’t really give a shit what happens to her, as long as she stays the fuck away from us.

I pretty much feel the same way about toxic ex landlady, too. As long as she and her flying monkeys don’t mess with me, they are safe from ever having to see or talk to me again. It’s taken me a long time to move past these traumas, but at least I know it’s possible. For a long time, I wondered if I’d ever be able to calm down and stop feeling so agitated about the way we were treated.

I guess what I’ve learned from dealing with that type of person is that you can’t let them get away with their shit. Or, best case scenario, you have to leave them in the dust and go no contact. Sometimes it’s sad or difficult to do that– if the person is a relative or an old friend. Sometimes it’s impossible to go no contact, such as when you have to co-parent and your children haven’t been completely estranged. Other times, it’s nothing but a relief, even if you spend years waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.

It’s always regrettable when a relationship goes sour. In some ways, maybe it’s a blessing that Bill didn’t have to deal with his Ex much when the kids were growing up, other than a few very dramatic incidents and sending her so much money every month. But now the girls are women, well over the age of 21 and living their own lives. We don’t have to deal with Ex ever again. Bill and I finally have our peace… for the most part, anyway. I could do without these marathon TDYs.

I guess if I could advise the woman who wrote to Lori Gottlieb, I would tell her that eventually, children grow up and have their own lives. It may seem like the years are stretching ahead, but in our case, they flew by. I can remember thinking how, back in 2004, we would have so many years of dealing with Ex. Before we knew it, those difficult early years were gone. If you love your partner and are determined to hang in there, this situation can pass. It did in our case. In fact, it’s turned around in a very unexpected way. Ex used to infuriate me. I still find her infuriating, but I rarely think about her and mostly pity her on some level. She’s mentally ill and tragic. And she is not a threat.

On another note, I’ve been watching the whole Harry and Meghan drama. I didn’t see their interview with Oprah Winfrey, because I’m not in the USA. But I have read about it… I’m not sure where, exactly, the truth lies. I have a feeling there’s stuff from all sides contributing to the sad situation of today. I do think it’s too bad that Harry and Meghan felt they needed to leave Britain with Archie. All of this stuff is embarrassing and dysfunctional, but in a way, it sort of humanizes the British Royal Family. They have their family dramas, idiosyncrasies, and dysfunction too. It looks like Harry is very alienated right now, and whether or not it’s his fault, I feel for him. Bill’s situation with his daughters has given me more empathy toward children of divorce. It’s much worse when your life is as public as Harry’s has always been.

Standard
social media, Trump

Entertaining exchanges…

While we were in Italy, a funny exchange took place on my Facebook page. I probably shouldn’t write about this, but it’s just too funny not to share. Besides, I kind of think the lady who has inspired this post asked for it.

A few days ago, I shared an article about Donald Trump’s reaction to Joe Biden’s decision to ask Kamala Harris to be his running mate in his 2020 run for POTUS. I commented that Trump “can’t deal with women who aren’t intimidated or impressed by him. Too bad there is so little impressive about him…”

A former Facebook friend commented that she had been researching Kamala Harris and everything she’d found out about Ms. Harris was “negative”. And I wrote that I would vote for a kumquat over Trump and Pence. Seriously, this should not have been a surprise for her. She met me in person back in 2015 and was a Facebook friend for most of that time. She should have known that I can’t stand Trump and am not afraid to say so… But– evidently, she chose that day to basically call me a hater. When I added that “those fuckers need to go”, she wrote this:

 interesting. Wow. 
I don’t ever understand all the hate. Where does that come from? And why? I do a lot of research and his administration is even if not better compared to others. 
Is it his personality?

So I wrote this…

I despise Donald Trump. He’s a malignant narcissist, and once you have had exposure to that type of person, you know they are beyond redemption. As far as I am concerned, he never should have been allowed to run for his “grab ‘em by the pussy” comment alone. But there’s a long list of shit he’s done from as far back as when I was in high school. People were talking about what a sleazy dirtbag he is even back then.  

But even if he hadn’t done bad things, he’s completely incompetent and only cares about himself. As for Pence, I simply despise religious whack a loon politics.

I got eight likes and loves on that comment. I have many intelligent friends who agree with me that Trump’s presidency has been a non-stop disaster. But even if it hadn’t been a disaster, he’s just a flaming asshole who promotes hatred and polarizes people. Even if it was just his personality, I stand by my right not to like him or vote for him. That’s the American way. But ex friend didn’t see it. She wrote this:

I see. Got it. It’s his personality. I understand.

Nope. Clearly you don’t understand, weird ex Facebook friend. But that’s alright. I can’t change what you think or how you feel, and I have better things to do than try. Another friend tried to explain her thoughts and ex friend said the same to her:

got it. It’s his personality.

So I tried again with this. It was my last comment to her on this post:

It’s not just his personality. I could sit here all day and write about why he’s a terrible leader. The fact that he’s a malignant narcissist, though, ought to give you a clue. Malignant narcissists are basically criminals. And Trump has done many criminal things, to include raping his first wife. She now denies it, but it was part of their divorce proceedings. He forced himself on her over painful hair plugs.  

And then there’s his close friendship with Jeffrey Epstein and the very credible stories of him raping teenagers. But aside from that, he clearly wants to be a dictator and that is not what America is about. So, as far as I am concerned, he needs to go.

But if you want to believe it’s just because I think he has a shitty personality (and he does), that’s fine with me, too.

She came back with this comment for my friend, who had responded with respect and intelligence.

I’ve been doing the research. I’m not a sheep. I get where you’re coming from. Thank you.
I’m doing tons of research.  
I like doing my own research. I’m not easily influenced by others or organizations. But, thank you.

At that point, I had pretty much bowed out of the conversation because, well, I was on vacation. But ex friend continued with a bunch of my friends, all of whom are way smarter and more articulate than she is. One friend left this very reasonable and well-researched comment for ex friend.

In November 2016, less than two weeks after he was elected, Trump settled three different fraud lawsuits related to his Trump University for $25 million.

In December 2019, New York Attorney General Letitia James formally announced, the president was “forced to pay $2 million for misusing charitable funds for his own political gain,” and his Trump Foundation was “shut down for its misconduct.”

In October 2018, it came to public attention that the General Services Administration, which manages real estate for the federal government, had planned to turn the FBI’s headquarters in Washington, D.C. “over to a commercial developer” — until, that is, the president intervened to veto the sale. As a group of Democratic lawmakers pointed out, Trump was “‘dead opposed’ to the government selling the property, which would have allowed commercial developers to compete directly with the Trump Hotel” only a block away. 

Trump’s former lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen, who is serving a three-year prison sentence for campaign finance violations, tax fraud, and bank fraud, made illegal hush money payments to two women — Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal — who claimed to have had affairs with Trump. We also know, thanks to federal prosecutors, that Cohen “acted in coordination and at the direction of” the president himself. 

On several occasions, he has encouraged his supporters — including members of the armed forces — to attack his political opponents. He’s offered to pay legal fees for people who commit violence against protestors to his cause. 

When it comes to violence, he’s used it against peaceful protestors in Lafayette Park – an area that has a long tradition of protests. Half an hour before the curfew during the initial BLM protests, he had protestors cleared using tear gas to allow for a photo op. 

As of the end of 2019, Trump had lied a documented 15,000 times since assuming office. And it continues. The first article of impeachment against Nixon accused him of “making or causing to be made false or misleading public statements for the purpose of deceiving the people of the United States.” Trump outstrips Nixon on the lying front by a magnitude. 

Trump, as even Fox News host Chris Wallace observed , “is engaged in the most direct, sustained assault on freedom of the press in our history.” The president has asked the FBI to jail reporters who publish leaks, threatened to revoke the broadcast licenses of media organizations that criticize him, and relentlessly attacked and demonized journalists as “scum,” “slime,” “sick people,” “fake news,” and “the enemy of the people.” He has revoked press passes, ended the practice of daily press briefings by his press secretaries opting instead to tweet which allies no follow up questions. He has now made it a habit to walk out of briefings if he doesn’t like the questions. 

In the midst of the COVID crisis, he chooses to speak over the best regarded experts in the field of infectious diseases. He has told hospitals to stop sending information to the CDC which has the ability to collect sort and make public information in a number of meaningful way. 

Local officials in Puerto Rico blame presidential negligence and incompetence for the deaths of nearly 3,000 people in Puerto Rico, in the wake of Hurricane Maria in 2017. Trump’s response? He claimed that 3,000 Americans didn’t die. He also tried to “illegally withhold” much-needed, congressionally appropriated disaster relief funds. Trump told White House officials “he did not want a single dollar going to Puerto Rico. … Instead, he wanted more of the money to go to Texas and Florida.”

I could go on. These are not personality issue. To a large extent, this is not about his politics with which I have issues. This is about a level of amorality that makes him ineffective and undesirable as a leader and representative of the citizens of the USA. 

I will admit to finding his personality an issue. He’s anti-intellectual, racist, misogynistic, dishonest, self-absorbed, and lacking in basic consideration or empathy for others.

Ex Facebook friend seemed a bit agitated by that comment. She wrote this:

oh!
And the plot thickens.

And so my reasonable friend who wrote the above post responded again:

I would be interested with all your self-proclaimed research, what have you found to support your comment that “his administration is even better” than that of others? As to “the plot thickens,” not sure what that is supposed to mean or add to the discussion.

Again, a cryptic response from ex Facebook friend:

wow. The judgement. Have an awesome day. 
And the plot thickens……even more. Oooooh.

Reasonable friend presses on with this:

As with anyone with whom I gave a discussion, I like for facts and sources. So far, you’re just saying your research points you to a different conclusion than mine. I am looking for any facts you have. I am looking to learn from someone who expressed a different view from my own.

Ex Facebook friend, apparently feeling the heat and getting irritated, writes this:

do your own research. Don’t be a sheep. I’m all about facts and numbers……they so rock! 
I can’t school you. Be accountable and responsible for yourself. 
I never said anything about different conclusion. 
Never stop learning. The Universe conspires and collides. 
Different people, different life experiences, different paths.
Diversity.

Too funny. She had no idea who she was fooling with. Reasonable friend wrote:

I did my research and provided facts in response to your question. You have provided no facts and pointed me to no sources. 

I do my research. I seriously doubt you do. I have tried to offer an opportunity to engage meaningfully, but you’re just a troll and not worth engagement.

Apparently, she got a bit pissed off or something, because some time later, ex Facebook friend blocked me– even though I had bowed out of the argument hours earlier. But she didn’t block me until she left this beaut of a comment that made me laugh for days.

Look here’s the thing. I have an incredible gift…..I’m clairvoyant, medium, empath, healing witch.
I go on energy and unfortunately……I see your energy. Let’s leave it at that.
People cross paths for a reason…..I see your energy. 
That’s it. Baiting me, or trying  
I’m connected to mother earth.
Troll. Far from it. 
Guard your self. Items are coming your way.
I am only bright light. 

See…..I told you …. the plot thickens.
Ooooohhhhh.

What in the hell? Actually, I knew she was a bit weird. A few years ago, a friend of mine did a huge favor for ex Facebook friend. When I say “huge favor”, I mean HUGE FAVOR. She let ex Facebook friend’s kid live with her for awhile because the youngster had gotten in serious trouble and was kicked out of military housing. While he was a guest in my friend’s house, he caused all kinds of trouble and harassed my friend’s teenaged daughter. Ex Facebook friend didn’t hold her kid responsible. Instead, she was really shitty to my friend. I mean, unbelievably shitty… the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I guess.

I had unfriended her at that point. She added me back some time later. I went along with it because I wasn’t involved in the drama involving her son. But I must say that I wasn’t surprised by her fuckery the other day. It’s not like we hadn’t seen it before… but I was not expecting her to claim she’s a clairvoyant. That shit is out in left field. It’s too funny, and needs to be recorded for posterity. So here I am, recording it for posterity… and still laughing several days later.

My good friend who had been so kind to ex Facebook friend had a good laugh at this exchange too. Now two people have seen ex Facebook friend’s wackorama on social media.

I kind of love it when troublemakers block me on Facebook. It’s like the trash took itself out. Anyway… thanks to ex Facebook friend for the funny tag line about being a clairvoyant sharing the light. I love a good laugh!

Standard
Trump

The stupid is STRONG…

I came across this post this morning. Feast your eyes.

This was written by a guy named Ron… He’s quite the Trumper.

This guy’s post has gone viral. You’d think it would have gone viral because it’s so full of ridiculous bullshit. But no… I see by the comments on his original post that many people agree with his point of view. The few brave souls who commented on this post are being shot down by folks who claim that liberals are “sheep”.

I have mentioned before that I occasionally used to vote Republican. More often than not, I voted third party, because I think both major political parties are corrupt and we need more than two realistic choices for a job as important as POTUS. This year, I plan to vote straight blue on everything, mainly because I’m pissed off and absolutely flabbergasted by the never ending shitshow that happens daily as Donald Trump does his level best to deflect blame and screw over people. But– I do understand the conservative viewpoint and there was a time when it made sense to me… mainly before I got out of the United States and started experiencing the way other people around the world live. So I know that not all Republicans are evil, corrupt, or selfish. A lot of them just don’t know better than what they see locally.

I still don’t get the foolish and dogged devotion people have for Trump. He’s completely incompetent and immoral, and he never takes responsibility for the things he does. You want to be a conservative? Okay. But WHY SUPPORT DONALD TRUMP? There has GOT to be a better person for the job– someone with actual conservative values, yet a level head, a mind for service, and a heart for the people. Donald Trump is a sociopathic scumbag who gleefully abuses and rips off anyone who allows him the opportunity.

COVID-19 is NOT a joke. This is NOT the first time we have had a pandemic sweep the planet. How people can assume this is a plot by a foreign government to destroy the United States is completely beyond my comprehension. People around the WORLD are dying from this virus. I have a college friend whose sister– a woman my age– is on a ventilator fighting for her life because she got sick with COVID-19. Even if this was a Chinese plot– and I really don’t think it is– why would the Chinese government sacrifice their own people?

Seriously…

And Ron seems to be worried about money, first and foremost. He’s all about the economy, and worried about it failing. But the economy is driven by people, and people are DYING from this virus. How can he call Democrats demonic when Republicans are more worried about lining their pockets than saving lives…. oh, except for the pro-life crowd, who will save a pre-born fetus at all costs, but won’t do jack shit for people who have already been born?

Yesterday, I ran across an exciting article about Virginia’s Governor Ralph Northam. Northam is a Democrat, and prior to being the governor of my home state, he was a pediatric neurologist. My former shrink– a psychologist by training– had many consults with Dr. Northam. He said Dr. Northam is a first rate physician. My therapist was a first rate psychologist and he helped me immensely. It’s been sixteen years since our last session, so we’re now friends. I see what a kind and generous person my ex shrink is, and based on Northam’s ability to sign off on so many progressive and sensible new laws, I can see why my ex shrink respects the governor so much.

But… as many people know, even Governor Northam has had his issues. Last year, here was a scandal raised because, back in the 1980s, when Northam was in medical school, he was photographed in blackface for his medical school yearbook. Someone commented on the article I read that he didn’t understand how Northam “gets a pass” for his “racist history”. It’s true that after a big splash in the news, the furore over Northam’s blackface scandal seemed to have suddenly dissipated.

My response is that Governor Northam did something stupid in 1984– 36 years ago. He was less than half the age he is now. He grew up, got wiser, and learned from his mistakes. Yes, he got a beating in the press about the blackface photo. It’s embarrassing that Virginia’s governor did that in the 80s, although in fairness to Northam, people were generally less politically correct back in those days. What Northam did was insulting and racist, but he realized that he did wrong, learned from it, and came back better. Since then, he’s sincerely apologized and taken responsibility for what he did in the past, and he’s done a lot of good for MANY people– especially people who are generally otherwise marginalized. That’s not even considering the many young patients he helped when he practiced medicine.

Trump, by contrast, hasn’t done anything but embarrass intelligent people, and embolden the stupid and cruel. Why do people like Ron, a Marine, continue to cheer on Donald Trump? Cognitive dissonance is a real thing, and it’s scary. I looked up Ron’s profile, and he claims to have a master’s degree from a respected university, and yet he’s vomiting up this nonsensical drivel on his social media page.

I don’t know Ron, but I am related to people who think like him and are hellbent on defending Trump’s bullshit. I don’t understand how decent people can defend Trump. I suspect it has to do with fear, and the worry that other people will start to get a fair shot. For all of their talk about freedom and personal liberties, Republicans don’t seem interested in extending those liberties to everyone. I am not naive enough to believe that there isn’t any corruption in the Democratic Party, but I do think that, on the whole, they are more compassionate and fairer than the Republicans are. At least in this day and age, they are.

And as much as I believe in people voting their conscience and supporting their own political ideals, I am really fighting the urge to tell people like Ron to go fuck themselves. Really. If you want to be Republican and support someone who is not a fucking tool, fine. But anyone who still supports Donald Trump’s bullshit is complicit in the madness that has overtaken the country and spilled over into the rest of the world. What we need to do is work together to get things back to some semblance of normalcy. Instead, we have an orange turd who throws temper tantrums on TV, shuts up or fires people who are smarter than he is, and makes false (thank GOD) claims that he has total power. People who continue to vote for that are, in my mind, definitely STUPID. And the stupid is super strong.

Standard
Ex

MOTY part 2

Bill went to see his daughter again on Sunday, after she and her family went to church. More revelations came to light. Among the things Bill learned, confirming that his ex wife is a cunt, are these.

  • Ex persuaded both of Bill’s kids to take out massive student loans. She then proceeded to live off of the excess. I told Bill to have his daughter check her credit report.
  • When Ex’s mother died, she left Ex money from a life insurance policy. Ex proceeded to squander it. Meanwhile, she had her mother cremated as cheaply as possible and never properly disposed of the cremains.
  • Ex was fired from her job in Arizona for doing “something inappropriate”. She used the money from her severance pay to move the family to New Hampshire. Evidently, she decided to move there after a failed job interview introduced her to the area.
  • Ex told the children that Bill cheated on her with me, a flat out lie. However, she didn’t explain why she had her third victim moved into the house that Bill was paying for while they were still married.
  • Apparently, the lies about how Bill and I met came out when older daughter demanded to know why Ex and Bill divorced. Younger daughter wanted to know how Bill and I met. And, just for those who don’t know, Bill wore his wedding ring until the day the divorce was final. I didn’t meet him in person until after their divorce, which occurred in June 2000. Bill and I met face to face in May 2001.
  • Ex had younger daughter shut down her blog when younger daughter went on her mission. She somehow discovered that Bill was reading it. Bill told his daughter that the blog was the only way he could keep in touch with his kids.
  • And… when Bill got up to help with the dishes, younger daughter remarked that when her mother visits, all she does is sit on the couch and complain.

Bill did send a photo of his daughter posing with the kids and Bill. The little boy looks a lot like Bill.

He’s coming back tonight, and will probably be exhausted on all levels. We’ll have a lot to talk about. I’ve just got to say, though, that I now have new empathy for all of Ex’s children. Their mother is certifiably evil and crazy. I now realize that she makes victims out of everyone she meets.

I could probably write more about this, but I’m a bit overloaded with information right now. I’m outraged about some of the things I learned… and yet I’m so grateful that Bill was able to get away from that lying cunty monster. I hope her children are smart enough to get away from her, too.

Standard
Ex

Stepping out of the FOG…

Bill left yesterday for another business trip. This time, it’s a long haul business trip, so he’ll be very tired when he gets home next week. However, something special is planned for this trip to the United States. Bill is going to Utah from his TDY site to see his younger daughter again for the first time since Christmas 2004. The last time he saw his daughter, she was barely 11 years old. She was extremely alienated, and they were at my father-in-law’s house, the same place where Ex had presented Bill with divorce papers back in 2000.

During that Christmas visit, which I had refused to attend, Ex and her third husband were also visiting Bill’s dad and stepmother. They’d brought Bill’s ex stepson, his older daughter, younger daughter, and Ex’s kid with her current husband. I was “invited” to that fiasco too, but declined to go for many reasons. The main one was that I don’t even like spending Christmas with my own family. I don’t want to do it with my husband’s ex wife. She had told Bill that the kids didn’t like me (which I knew from firsthand experience wasn’t true). I reasoned that I deserved a peaceful holiday too, and had no desire to spend it in a hostile environment around people who resent me simply for marrying a divorced man. I didn’t think anyone but Bill really welcomed me there, and we couldn’t afford the trip, anyway. So I stayed home and looked after the dogs, and Bill went to see his kids for the last time. Until now…

For years, I was very angry with Bill’s daughters. I’m still pretty annoyed with older stepdaughter, although I have an inkling as to why she still has her head so firmly lodged up her ass. I kind of get it. She lives with her mother and is convinced she can’t make it on her own, even though she has plenty of people who have offered to help her and she’s proven that she has life skills. She’s also reportedly taking care of Ex’s last kid. It’s good of her to do that, since Ex is a shitty mother. She really is. I don’t want to get into specifics of why she’s a shitty mother in this post, but she’s done plenty to demonstrate that she’s not well and has no business raising children. Those who have followed my older blog probably remember some of the stories. I may come off as a bitter, angry second wife, but I think I have good reason to feel the way I do. I have lived with the aftermath of Bill’s first marriage for 17 years now, and it’s only been within the past several years that we’ve finally managed to unload some of the baggage that accompanied it.

Younger daughter, who was always the more vocally hateful of the two girls, came around a few years ago. She and Bill Skype and email regularly. She’s married now, has two children, and has evidently escaped the “fog” that comes from living with a narcissist. You know that term “FOG”, right? Fear– obligation– and guilt. It’s employed a lot by damaged people who want to control others. She and Bill have talked about what it was like to get out of that “foggy” environment, in which there were constant threats, ultimatums, and carrots on sticks. Both realized that they felt a whole lot better once they got away from the “FOG”. Actually– I never liked fog for another reason. It was the nickname for the God awful Muzak radio station my dad used to listen to all the time– WFOG. Just thinking about being forced to listen to his brand of easy listening Muzak is enough to make me twitch.

The funny thing about FOG is that once you’re out of it, it’s like an amazing epiphany. You realize what the problems were; you discover that escape isn’t impossible; and you want to help others to freedom. But they’re still spinning with the fear, obligation, and guilt themselves and they won’t take the life ring that is thrown out to them. So they stay mired… stuck in the quicksand, surrounded by FOG, and suffering while the escapees look on helplessly. It’s like watching someone trapped in a cult, and if you truly love and care about someone, it’s an awful thing to witness. I have often remarked to my mother-in-law that it must have been hell watching Bill struggling with his ex wife. She really did some awful things, not just to Bill, but to people who love him. And that especially includes Bill’s mother.

Bill and I both have a lot of experience dealing with people who employ FOG to get what they want. We respond differently, though, because we have different temperaments. Bill is endlessly patient, kind, and understanding. He’s an empath, and although he does have a “red line”, it takes a long time to reach it. He’s a very forgiving person. I, on the other hand, am a lot less tolerant of people who treat me badly. I get angry and “hard”. That’s not to say I don’t ever forgive. Of course I do. But it takes a lot less to really piss me off and a lot longer to get back into my good graces. Fortunately, most people don’t care about being on my good side, so I’m free to feel unabated contempt toward those who abuse me. Mostly, I just cut them out of my life as much as possible and, if I’m lucky, time erases much of the pain associated with being around them.

At this point, I think I have mostly forgiven Bill’s younger daughter. She seems to have turned out decently despite being raised by an incredibly toxic mother. I think she benefitted from knowing some good people who helped her. I am no fan of Mormonism, but in younger daughter’s case, I think being a church member was a huge blessing. And I love that Ex had used the church as a parental alienation tool that ultimately backfired. Serves her right. Younger daughter is also very strong willed and smart, and she’s definitely proven that she’s resilient.

I have high hopes for Bill’s visit with his daughter. He’ll meet his son-in-law and his two grandchildren, and hopefully it won’t take 15 years for their next visit to occur. I’m sure they’ll have a lot to talk about and clear up. Some of it will probably be painful, but I know there are some discussions they need to have. I hope they can have them and strengthen their bond. It would be nice for Bill to be able to be a dad again. I know he misses it. Maybe next time they see each other, I’ll be there, too. We’ll see…

Anyway, it’s gratifying that Bill is getting this chance. It’s a long time coming. I’m sure I’ll hear all about it when Bill comes home next week. And then, a few days later, we will have a home visit to determine our worthiness to adopt a new dog. I think 2020 is going to be a banner year for us. Incidentally, Bill asked our current landlord if he minded if we got a new dog. Landlord said, “It’s your house. Do what you want.” Our move to Wiesbaden has really turned out to be a blessing, even if I do miss some things about living in Stuttgart.

Standard