communication, controversies, ethics, family, holidays, LDS, love, misunderstandings, narcissists

Once someone gives you a gift, it’s yours…

This week has flown by! I can’t believe it’s already Thursday. I’m sitting here thinking about how my husband will be on yet another business trip next week, while I sit here and plan our trip to see our dentist and later, the Czech Republic (aka Czechia). I look forward to the road trip to Czechia. It’s a beautiful country, with a lot to see, great beer, and excellent food. It’s also not a very expensive place to visit, at least compared to some other destinations. I was pretty shocked by how much Yerevan is going to cost! I think it’ll be worth it, though, because I haven’t seen Armenia since 1997, and it’s a special place to me.

Anyway, I’m sitting here this morning thinking about a column I just read in The New York Times. A woman wrote:

“My mom has wanted to buy me a luxury bag for a few years, but I have reservations about spending lots of money on things. Still, when she asked for my opinion about a bag for herself, I provided one — though I suspected it was really for me. I texted her that I appreciate everything she does, but I asked her not to buy me a bag. (Having expensive things makes me anxious.) She agreed, but then she sent me more pictures of status bags. I repeated my request. Then I spoke to my sibling, who convinced me that gifts are my mom’s way of expressing love, and that she can afford it. (She’s also having a hard time now caring for my grandfather.) So, I prepared myself to receive a $2,000 bag. But the one that arrived cost $7,000 — which stresses me out! I love my mom, but she didn’t respect my feelings. How can I handle this nicely?”

The columnist, Philip Galanes, gave what I think is good advice. He advised explaining to the mom, once again, that receiving such expensive gifts provokes anxiety. He suggests giving her ideas for more appropriate gifts. Galanes recognizes that the situation is kind of tricky, since our social mores frown on telling people what they should or should not give as gifts to someone. An etiquette expert would likely say that it’s better to receive all gifts with a grateful heart. Galanes says this, which I think is pretty astute:

Your question isn’t really about gifts; it’s about getting through to your mother, kindly. You shouldn’t have to choke down anxiety to make her feel good.

I checked out the Facebook comments on this post, just because I was curious. I wasn’t surprised to find that a lot of people found this dilemma ridiculous. Here’s a woman with a mom who can afford to give her daughter $7000 handbags. Many people love expensive handbags, and would be very excited to get one as a gift. Moreover, some readers were focused on the mom’s feelings, pointing out that the mom might be hoping to see her daughter enjoying her gift. They didn’t seem to realize that even a $7000 handbag isn’t much of a gift if it makes the recipient feel uncomfortable. Part of gift giving involves being thoughtful, and giving something that the recipient can use and/or appreciate.

I liked this woman’s suggestion:

If it’s the bag I’m thinking, resale value is good. Get a bag you feel more comfortable owning and invest, save or donate the rest.

A few people agreed with her. But then she got this response, which prompted me to write today’s blog post.

“…it was a gift from her mother. I would be hurt if my daughter sold this gift.

I didn’t tag the woman who wrote this response, because I’m not looking for an argument with a stranger today. But I did feel compelled to leave my opinion, which is this:

I would be hurt if I repeatedly made my wishes known to my mom and she ignored them. Besides, once someone gives you a gift, it’s yours. I think exchanging the bag for a less expensive one and saving, investing, or donating the money is a great idea.

So far, several people seem to agree with me. Yes, there’s etiquette involved with receiving gifts, but there’s also etiquette involved with giving them. Gifts should be given with thought and care. I will admit, when I was younger, I didn’t always understand the pleasure of giving or receiving thoughtful gifts. I used to see Christmas and birthdays as burdens, as I was expected to buy presents for everyone in my immediate family. I didn’t have any money, nor was I close enough to most of them to know what they liked, wanted, or needed. Now that my Christmases mainly involve Bill and me, it’s a lot easier. I know what he likes. I buy most of his clothes for him as a matter of course. 😉 He tells me I’m good at the job. I also seek honest feedback from him, so I don’t end up spending money on things he doesn’t like or want.

One thing I’ve learned after being married to Bill is that sometimes giving and receiving gifts can be problematic in relationships. Most of us are taught from childhood that we should always be grateful to receive gifts, even if they’re inappropriate, not our taste, or leave a rude impression. We are trained to always assume that gifts are always given with the spirit of generosity. But I have learned that sometimes gifts can have weird messages attached to them that leave the recipient with negative feelings.

Ex was/is the queen of giving inappropriate gifts, which I think is actually a pretty prominent trait in people who are narcissistic. They tend to give gifts based on their own preferences, because they generally only think of themselves. If they do manage to give someone something they actually want, it’s because they have an angle, and will use the gift as a means of control and obligation. Bill told me that when he was married to Ex, she’d buy him things that were impractical, yet expensive. Like, for instance, she once gave him a bust of a Star Wars character. It’s true that Bill likes Star Wars, and the bust was kind of cool. But it cost $300 that they needed for buying food. He ended up insisting that she return it, which she did without too much protest.

Younger daughter has said that her mother will send gifts to her that have some kind of sentimental message or hidden meaning. Sometimes, she sends things that are just plain odd– like Christmas jammies for the whole family that are all in the wrong sizes. Or, she’ll send things that are kind of thoughtless. More than once, she’s sent tea sets to her grandchildren, who are being raised in the LDS faith, where most tea drinking is forbidden (although they can drink herbal teas). The funny thing is, Ex is the one who got younger daughter into the LDS religion. You’d think she’d remember the Word of Wisdom. But no… she has evidently forgotten that Mormons don’t typically drink coffee, tea, or alcohol. Or she doesn’t care. Or… she’s sending some kind of hidden message that younger daughter should quit the church.

A few years ago, Bill was shopping for a gift for his granddaughter. He saw a cool looking tea set and was about to buy it, when something dawned on me. I said “Wait a minute! Are you sure you should be sending a tea party set to a child who is being raised LDS?”

Bill laughed and said, “Oh my God, you’re right! I totally forgot!” Then he found a really cool looking ice cream cart toy and sent that instead. Younger daughter said granddaughter was delighted with the toy and it was a huge hit with the other kids in their neighborhood, too. Bill wasn’t offended when I pointed out that he might want to take an extra minute to consider the appropriateness of his gift. His ex wife probably would have, but that’s most likely because she gives gifts with herself in mind, rather than the person receiving the gift.

Later, Bill told his daughter about the faux pas he almost committed. She smiled and said it would have been okay, since her mom had sent them a bunch of tea party sets, too. In my mind, that’s another reason to have sent something else. They already have a bunch of tea sets!

I enjoy sending gifts to Bill’s grandchildren. As I’ve been doing so, I try to consider whether or not the gifts are appropriate or will be received well. I’m sure I miss sometimes. A couple of days ago, I posted a picture of Bill wrapping a care package we made for his daughter, who is currently expecting her fourth baby. I usually send stuff for the kids, but this time, I wanted to send something more for their mother.

Bill and I like Molton Brown toiletries from England. They aren’t cheap, but they smell wonderful, are high quality, colorful, and just nice. I thought about younger daughter taking care of her kids and wondered if maybe she’d like them, too. So I asked her. I said I wanted to send her something nice for the few minutes alone she gets in the shower. I said I didn’t want to send her anything that would be offensive or make her feel sick to her stomach. She gave me some ideas of scents she likes. I ended up sending her a couple of assortment sets that have different samples of the scents Molton Brown sells. That way, if she finds one she really likes, she can tell me. If there’s one that offends, she can tell me. I didn’t make a big investment in a particular scent in the gift, so it’s no big deal if she doesn’t like certain ones. I hope she’ll let me know if there are any she doesn’t like… or even if she doesn’t like Molton Brown at all.

I included a pair of Irish wool socks, since she lives in Utah and winter is coming, ginger lemon bon bons for nausea, skin cream for the stretching, and a couple of bracelets that were made by a local artisan. We filled the remaining space with German and Dutch candy and stroopwafels. We know she likes those, and can’t easily get them locally.

One of my friends took me to task for sending sweets to a pregnant lady. She said that stuff isn’t “good” for her, and will only tempt her. I was a bit taken aback by that comment. First off, for years, Bill wasn’t allowed any contact with his daughter. So he’s making up for lost time now. We know she appreciates the goodies, and she will share them responsibly with her family.

And secondly, the last thing I would ever want to do is presume to tell younger daughter what she should or shouldn’t do– particularly when it comes to eating. I understand the point about not encouraging unhealthy eating habits, but food is something younger daughter enjoys. She’s a very busy mom, but she loves to try new things and test recipes. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries the stroopwafels and learns to make them herself. She’s never been to Europe, either, so this is one way to introduce it to her.

I’ve had to listen to a lot of unwelcome criticism and commentary about my body from so-called loved ones. It never seemed loving to me when my mom would look at me with annoyance or outright disgust and said things like, “I wish you’d lose some weight!” And then she’d offer to buy me a new wardrobe if I lost twenty pounds. I’m sure those comments came more from her desire to impress other people than any concern for my health or well being. But it was even worse when my dad would make comments to me, even when I was a normal sized teen. That shit led to years of body image issues and disordered eating. Now, I’d happily tell them both to fuck off… perhaps using more polite terms, but yeah– if I was angry enough, I probably would use the “f” bomb. I inherited the “gift” of their tempers, along with their gifts for music. 😉

And that brings me to my next point. Sometimes gifts come in intangible ways. Sometimes people pay compliments that turn out to be gifts. Or they offer constructive criticism that turns out to be truly helpful and constructive. Or they divorce their husbands so their husbands can marry someone who is more compatible. I consider the fact that Ex divorced Bill a tremendous gift to me. Sure, it was not meant to be a gift, but it turned out to be one, just the same. Ditto to the voice teacher I had in 1990, back when I was a freshman at Longwood, who suggested to me that I should study voice privately with her. That adjunct professor literally changed my life for the better by doing that. Yes, that was also a tremendous gift! It’s continued to give for 33 years and counting, even if only to me, and those who like what I do.

On the other hand, intangible gifts can also turn out to be duds. Take, for instance, the “compliment” someone tried to pay me a few months ago. I shared a meme on my Facebook page that featured an overweight woman in a bikini and the suggestion that people should mind their own business when they see someone on the beach in a bikini– even if they think the person shouldn’t be wearing one. The person who “complimented” me said I looked “great”. But that wasn’t me in the picture, so the compliment ended up being very offensive. When I pointed out that the woman in the photo wasn’t me, my former friend continued to try to compliment me on my looks. It made things much worse. Then I vented about it in my blog; she read it; and now we’re not “friends” anymore. :/ Her “gift” turned me into the asshole… although actually, maybe there was a gift in what happened. I got to see her for the person she really is. Now, I don’t waste time trying to be friends with her.

Then there are the “gifts” that come with many strings attached. I don’t want to get into that too heavily in this post, since I just wrote about how Jim Bob Duggar gives gifts with many strings attached. You can read my recent posts about the “gifts” he gave to his daughter, Jill, and his other children to get an idea of that concept. But I do want to point out that Jim Bob seems to have missed the point of giving gifts… which is to give someone something that will be a blessing or kindness to them as an expression of love or friendship– not as a source of control or “ego boo”.

Bottom line– whenever possible, gifts should be given with thought and good will toward the recipient. So, mom, if your daughter very clearly tells you what she does not want as a gift, you should respect that, and try to give her something more appropriate. And if you insist on giving her a $7000 gift that makes her feel uncomfortable and anxious, you should not be offended if she decides to do something else with the gift. Once you give a gift to someone, it no longer belongs to you. So, if she sells or returns the handbag and gets something she’d rather have, take that as a lesson. Giving and receiving gifts isn’t just about one person making a transaction. It’s something that should be done with a true spirit of generosity.

Personally, I love the idea of reselling the expensive handbag and either investing or donating the money. That’s a great way to turn this awkward situation into a winning solution that will pay dividends in the long run– either for the original recipient, or to less fortunate people who might benefit from donated funds generated by the sale of the unwanted bag.

Well, that about does it for today’s sermon. It’s Thursday, so that means I have to break out the riding vacuum cleaner. 😉 So I think I’ll get on with that, and check in tomorrow with something new. Ciao!

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communication, controversies, expressions, family

“Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?”

Yeah, sing it, Avril…

Apologies for the old hit from Avril Lavigne. I’m not even a big fan of Avril’s music, but this song seems appropriate for today’s topic, which comes courtesy of Carolyn Hax’s advice column in the Washington Post. I had other topics in mind to write about today, but it’s Sunday, and I figured it would be better to write about something less serious. And today’s post from Carolyn Hax is definitely lighter than my subject matter has been lately.

Here’s the letter in question, which was adapted from an online discussion:

Hi Carolyn! 

I’ve recently started to attend family functions with my boyfriend. He always says I don’t need to bring anything, but I never go anywhere empty-handed.

His mom is preparing the entire meal for the next event, including desserts. I’m a baker and usually bring desserts but Boyfriend says mom might be offended if I bring a dessert when she’s already taking care of that. This party is for his sister’s birthday, and I don’t know her well enough to choose a gift, and he won’t give me any ideas because he insists I don’t need to bring a gift. I asked if I could at least get a card, and he said he’ll add my name to his card — but he and his sister have been passing the same card back and forth for 12 years as a joke. This is their thing and I don’t want to impose.

But I just can’t fathom going empty-handed. Any ideas as to what I can bring?

— Never Empty-Handed

Carolyn’s advice to the letter writer was to try to call the boyfriend’s mom and ask her directly what she should bring for his sister, if the boyfriend won’t “work with her on this”. She also said that the letter writer should explain to him that telling her that she doesn’t need to bring anything is easy for him to say, and maybe even well-intentioned by letting her off the hook, but it actually puts her in an awkward position. Carolyn further writes:

He is seeing this through the family lens, but you are not family and you’re newish to everyone, so you don’t know how you’ll be judged.

You want to make a good impression. If he wants to set you up to succeed, then he either needs to give you a token way to contribute, or be more thoughtful in explaining his family culture to you, or connect you to his mom (or whoever’s hosting) to find out for yourself.

This advice makes sense to me, I guess. However, there is also hopefully a good chance that Boyfriend is telling the truth. It’s possible that his mom and/or his sister really don’t want her to bring anything. Moreover, I would expect him to tell me the truth. So my response, which so far is being well-received was this:

I would just take the boyfriend at his word. If it goes awry, then I’ll know I can’t trust what he says and move on.

She can always warn the guy that if he’s not being truthful, and she shows up with nothing and his mom or sister thinks it’s rude, that will mean that she can’t trust him to be honest, and that might mean they shouldn’t continue the relationship. There is a good chance, though, that the mom and/or his sister really are among those people who doesn’t want guests to bring things. My mom is one of those people. She’s at a point in her life that she’s trying to get rid of things she doesn’t need. I have been the recipient of many lovely gifts people have given her that she just didn’t want or weren’t her taste.

If you think about it, bringing something for the host/hostess actually can lead to embarrassing situations. Here’s an example from my personal history.

Recently, I wrote about how I have a phobia of mushrooms. I can’t eat them or touch them, and I prefer not to look at them or smell them. One time, years ago, a woman invited me to her house for dinner. She was a vegetarian. Because I wanted to be a good guest, I baked two loaves of bread and brought one of them with me. Guess what… hostess wasn’t a fan of bread. And guess what else? The dinner she made was LOADED with mushrooms. And yes, it was very embarrassing. I explained to her, honestly, why I couldn’t partake of the dinner. Fortunately, she had a good laugh at my expense, and even told some of her colleagues about it.

People love to leave comments on the Washington Post’s Facebook page about this post, when it’s clear that they didn’t read the article. It’s mainly because they don’t want to pay for a subscription. If they had read the article, they would see that other people offered reasons why bringing the usual go-to gifts of wine, flowers, and candy might not be the best idea. Here’s what a couple of people wrote:

Re: Guest: Yes, please arrive empty-handed. I find hosting people who are compelled to bring something, anything, very tiring. Fine to ask if you can contribute to the meal, for instance, but if the answer is no, then accept that.

— Tired

Tired: Yes, yes. When I tell my guests what (not) to bring, I want them to take me at my word, not send me looking for a vase for the lovely and well-meant flowers.

In the case of someone new being invited into the fold, though, the standards shift a bit. The balance of power is more precarious. The boyfriend can be more helpful here. That’s all.

I have a policy that when people say they want no gifts, I take them at their word. I assume they had a reason for making that statement. If they didn’t mean it, they shouldn’t have written or said it, and they shouldn’t be upset when people abide by it. If Mom is annoyed with the girlfriend for coming to visit the family empty-handed that early in the relationship, that’s another sign that the letter writer might want to consider, should things go further in that relationship. I would hope that the boyfriend’s mom and other family members would be just as eager to make a good impression on his girlfriend, especially if there is a chance she might one day marry him, or otherwise engage in a more serious relationship. Because– that could one day be her mother-in-law… and you want to pay attention to red flags. Divorce is expensive, and marriage can be challenging enough without a mother-in-law with whom you don’t mesh. Fortunately, my own mother-in-law is awesome, and my mom adores Bill.

A lot of commenters seem to think that the letter writer should just ignore what her boyfriend says, and go against his advice on dealing with his family. I don’t know about other people, but it would really annoy me if I told Bill about what to expect from my family– people that I’ve known my whole life– and he didn’t believe me. I can understand the letter writer’s dilemma in not wanting to be rude, but I would consider not trusting my boyfriend’s word as kind of rude, too. I’m big on trust, and I don’t like it when people don’t take me seriously, even though I joke around a lot. Joking around is one thing, but I’m not the kind of person who would deliberately set someone up to fail. If I care enough to bring you home to meet the family, that means I’m serious. And I would not tell you not to bring a gift if I knew that not bringing a gift would make my mom or sister think you were a jerk. I would hope for the same consideration.

I also noticed that the people commenting were suggesting gifts that could be problematic. That bottle of wine might not be appreciated by someone who is fundie Baptist or LDS, struggles with alcoholism or some other health issue, or someone who just doesn’t drink. Flowers might not be appreciated by someone who has severe allergies or, like Madonna, hates hydrangeas… or whatever other flower. Some people don’t like plants because they have a brown thumb, and kill everything they touch.

Ouch!

Or maybe it will be an awkward exchange, like when Melania Trump brought Michelle Obama a fancy Tiffany box on Inauguration Day…

Nice of Melania to bring a gift. Too bad the Trumps didn’t have enough class to show up to the 2021 Presidential Inauguration.

Someone who prides themselves on being a great cook or baker might not appreciate it if you take it upon yourself to bring dessert. A lot of people go to great lengths to plan when they have a party. If you show up with a cake from a bakery or even one you’ve made yourself, it may send a very embarrassing message that won’t be well received. Or, again, it could turn out that someone has diabetes and has to watch their sugar or carbs for health reasons. I had a friend, years ago, who had an allergy to chocolate. She loved chocolate, but couldn’t eat it, because it made her break out in hives. Imagine showing up at her house with a lovely, expensive chocolate cake that took hours to bake. Hopefully, other people can enjoy it.

Here’s what I think is a fairly foolproof gift– sincere gratitude for the invitation, and authentic, attentive, and appreciative company. That’s it. Maybe that gratitude could be augmented by a handwritten note expressing thanks, mailed a day or two after the gathering. One of the nicest “gifts” I have ever received from anyone was a lovely, handwritten note from Bill’s younger daughter, who was considerate enough to think of me when he went to visit her in March 2020. I will treasure it always, for there’s no other gift like it. It came from the heart and, best of all, it cost her almost nothing in money, but yet it’s priceless to me. I will keep and treasure it always, especially since it doesn’t take up any room or collect dust.

Now THIS is what I call a good– and very classy– gift. There’s not another like it.

There’s no reason to sweat the small stuff. There’s no reason to make things more complicated than it needs to be. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. While giving a small gift to a host or hostess is usually considered good etiquette, when it comes down to it, the best etiquette is considering what will make the other person feel most comfortable and at ease. I would expect that the boyfriend in this situation knows his family well enough to advise his girlfriend honestly. She should take what he says at face value. If it goes wrong, that will be a sign of things that could be coming in the future. At the very least, it could be a signal that he’s not going to be straightforward about other things.

Damned right.

Some of the comments on this remind me of the American attitude about tipping. So many people seem to think that everyone loves gifts. Not everyone does… just like not everyone expects or appreciates a tip. Seriously… in some cultures, tipping is actually considered rude or just isn’t a thing. American culture is not the end all, be all, and there’s a lot to consider in any relationship. If you don’t know the guy’s parents, I actually think it’s better to wait before you bring a gift, unless you’ve been assured that they would appreciate one. Gifts can go awry. Besides, meeting new people is a two-way street. I see no reason to complicate that meeting by adding in an unnecessary element, like what gift to bring. Especially when it’s been made clear, by someone who should be in the know, that gifts aren’t expected or even desired. I think it’s smart to learn about the culture in any new situation before assuming you know what should be done.

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