funny stories, true crime

Repost: Dumb criminals getting their asses kicked while trying to commit crimes…

This is a REPOST from January 2019. I am reposting it because it’s funny, and I’m in serious need of a good laugh. I need a reminder of when not everyfuckingthing was about COVID-19 and the end of humanity. The links to the stories still work, so I encourage you to read up on these two hilarious cases if you feel so inclined.

Pro tip to all you criminals out there:  If you try to abduct someone and they break free and run into a karate dojo, you should probably just cut your losses.

via GIPHY

This morning over breakfast, Bill shared with me a hilarious news story.  It seems that drug influenced 46 year old August Williams decided to try to abduct a woman in north Charlotte, North Carolina.  The woman broke free from his grasp as he tried to force her into a car.  She ran into a karate dojo, where Sensei Randall Ephraim was finishing up classes for the day.  It was just before 9:00pm on Thursday night.  A few kids were there, waiting to be picked up by their parents, and a few adult students were cleaning.

The woman suddenly shouted that a man was trying to kidnap her.  Dumbass Williams had followed the woman into the dojo.  I don’t know if he knew he was running into a karate school, as he was allegedly high on substances.  Clearly he didn’t realize what was about to happen.  

Sensei Ephraim asked Williams to leave, but he refused.  At that point, the karate instructor dealt with the trespasser accordingly.  Apparently, Williams is a very strong and powerful guy and was “difficult” to fight.  Nevertheless, he left the scene in an ambulance and was then taken to jail.

Now… I don’t know why Williams was trying to kidnap the woman.  She claims she didn’t know him at all.  Also, I’m sure when this was happening, it was not a laughing matter.  The woman was probably scared shitless.  I know would have been.  Still, what luck for this to happen near a karate school!  I’m sure it never crossed Williams’ mind that karate would be his undoing when he tried to force the woman into a car.   

Williams also continued fighting with police officers as they wrestled with him.  I’m sure he will be off to the clink before too long.  Whatever he was on must have been some genuine shit.

One thing I noticed in the news story, as well as from watching an old episode of Intervention, is that some people really enjoy using formal words when less formal language will do.  These are the same people who commit what I like to refer to as “reflexive pronoun abuse“.  You know what I mean?  For instance, instead of saying something like “Please get back to John or me if you need help.”, they’ll say something like, “Please contact John or myself if you need assistance.”

I have my theories as to why some people do this.  I think some folks think it makes them sound more educated.  It’s too bad we don’t do a better job teaching English to people in the United States.  While I love a good fifty cent word, particularly when the meaning of the word is perfect for what is being communicated, it’s important to know how to use the word.  And using formal, multi-syllabic words when simpler ones will do is not a good example of better communication.  The main idea is to get your point across quickly and effectively.  If a person has to wade through your high-falutin’ words to figure out what you’re trying to say, you’re not communicating as well.  Or, at least that’s my unimportant opinion.

Anyway, I’m glad Sensei Ephraim was there to save the day.  August Williams needs to cool his heels in jail for awhile and think about what he tried to do… and has already done.  And those of you who are inclined to follow him into his criminal lifestyle, might want to pay attention to where you’re going if your victim breaks free and dashes into a building.  I don’t know if the outcome would have been the same if the lady had run into a 7 Eleven or something.  Or, maybe it would have.  Sounds like a good idea for a short story.

In related news, I also read about the bum in Florida who assaulted a McDonald’s employee over a straw.  Stupid dipfuck Daniel Taylor was in a St. Petersburg, Florida McDonald’s on January 3rd.  He was evidently upset that there weren’t any straws at the drink station, so he complained about it to the cashier.  Yasmin James, the cashier, told Taylor that Florida law does not allow restaurant employees to put straws out for the public.  They must be requested.  

Taylor then reached over, grabbed 20 year old James and tried to yank her over the counter.  James, a former boxer, then proceeded to repeatedly punch the fuck out of the guy.  I don’t generally enjoy violence, but I must admit to cheering James on as she defended herself against this asshole. Check YouTube for a video of said ass kicking.

Then, once the two were split apart, Taylor had the nerve to demand that James get fired!  Fortunately, a woman happened to capture the attack on video, and Taylor was later arrested.  He’s another one who needs to sit in jail for awhile.  Good for Yasmin James for not taking that guy’s abuse.  

I love a good ass kicking story.

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true crime

Really giving her something to cry about…

Yesterday, I decided to spend the day catching up on my reading. The weather was cold and snowy, and it was dark outside. It was the perfect weather for finishing my latest book, Rachael Denhollander’s What is a Girl Worth. I’ll probably review it later, if I don’t have any technical issues with the blog. For some reason, I’ve been having some technical difficulties this morning.

Anyway, while I was reading my book, I happened to catch one of Elizabeth Warren’s Facebook posts. She shared a news article from the Orlando Sentinel about a shocking incident that occurred in September of last year. Reporter Grace Toohey wrote about the horrifying arrest of six-year-old Kaia Rolle, who attended Lucious and Emma Nixon Academy last fall.

Kaia suffers from sleep apnea that causes her to act out. School staff members were aware of Kaia’s condition and working with her to overcome it. On the day of her arrest, Kaia had a pretty serious temper tantrum at school, possibly brought on by her sleep apnea. Kaia had punched and kicked three school employees. But she later calmed down, and was quietly listening to a story being read to her by a staff member when former police officer Dennis Turner and a colleague arrived on the scene.

When Kaia saw the big cop with zip ties in his hands, she asked “What are those for?”

Turner said, “They’re for you.” He handed them to his colleague, while Kaia figured out what was about to happen.

The other officer tightened the zip ties around Kaia’s wrists as she started crying, begging, and screaming for help. Then, former Officer Turner marched the little girl out of the school and put her in the back of his police car. She was charged with misdemeanor battery, though the charges were dropped the next day. That same day, Turner arrested a six year old boy at the same school for the same crime, although the boy’s arrest was stopped by superiors before he’d gone through the whole process. Kaia was actually taken to a juvenile center, fingerprinted, and mugshot. She was so tiny that staff had to get her to stand on a step stool so her photo could be taken.

I’ve found the body cam video for this incident several places on the Internet, but almost all of them cut off the end. The most accessible videos only show Turner putting Kaia in the back of a police SUV, probably without a booster seat. She’s clearly terrified and traumatized, but that part was somehow less shocking to me than the very end of the video, which is visible on the Orlando Sentinel’s article. Supposedly, Turner arrested Kaia because one of the school’s staff members she’d punched and kicked had wanted to press charges. School officials denied that was ever the case.

On the longer video, we can see Turner going back into the school and speaking to staffers. The school officials were clearly concerned about Kaia. They asked Turner if it was really necessary to restrain the girl with zip ties. Turner said that if Kaia had been bigger, she’d be wearing regular handcuffs. Then, as if to boast, he said he’d arrested over 6,000 people and the youngest one was about seven years old. When he was told that Kaia was six, he said with a touch of amusement that she’d “broken the record”. He wasn’t the slightest bit dismayed or concerned as he made his statement. He actually sounded kind of proud of himself. None of the staff members tried to stop the arrest, although they did seem rather non-plussed by it.

As horrified as I was by the news story, I was especially shocked as I watched the video. The child is tiny, and Turner is a very large man who had backup. No wonder Kaia was petrified. While I understand that the police have a dangerous job, especially nowadays, it really seems like overkill that such a little girl had to be restrained in that way. There’s no way she was a physical threat to anyone.

When I listen to Kaia speak, I’m surprised by how bright and articulate she is. I can’t imagine, at that age, having the presence of mind to beg a police officer for “a second chance”, or even knowing what zip ties are. I remember seeing little kids meltdown when I was that age. I probably had a few tantrums in school myself. But back in those days, there weren’t “zero tolerance” policies that required arresting small children for age appropriate temper tantrums. When I was a kid, the principal would handle the discipline. Granted, that might mean getting paddled. I don’t necessarily approve of that, either. But at least most young kids had a fighting chance of getting through grade school without a police record.

Fortunately, Dennis Turner has been dismissed from his job, even though Florida has no minimum age for arrest. Turner had violated his department’s policy, which requires officers to get approval from a supervisor before arresting anyone under age 12. According to the Orlando Sentinel, Turner retired from the Orlando Police Department last year, after 23 years on the job. He was employed by the OPD’s Reserve Unit, which is made of retired officers who do part-time work for the agency. However, despite Turner’s long tenure as an Orlando cop, his record as a police officer is troubling. Prior to retiring last year, Turner was disciplined seven times for violating department policies. The complaints ranged from unsafe driving to a child abuse charge involving his own seven-year-old son. In 2009, he was accused of sending threatening text messages to his ex wife. He’s also been accused of racial profiling. What the hell was this man doing on the police force? He should have been fired many years ago!

Maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised and dismayed that Dennis Turner enjoyed such a long career as a police officer, particularly considering that he was working in Florida. I must admit, though, that reading this story really upset me. I don’t even recognize the United States anymore. It’s turned into a place where there is no more common sense or decency. The police are required for every intervention and it seems like the only response is to arrest people and put them behind bars. It absolutely ridiculous, particularly when an incident involves a small child like Kaia.

The Orlando Police Department is now doing serious damage control.

Kaia Rolle no longer attends Lucious and Emma Nixon Academy. She now goes to a private school, because she refuses to attend a school with a police officer on campus. I’m sure Kaia is left with a lingering fear of the police, which could turn out to be tragic for her if she ever needs their help. These kids are so young, and they have their whole lives ahead of them. What has happened to our society that we have people wearing badges and carrying weapons, thinking this is an appropriate response to a small child having a temper tantrum at school? It seems like a scary number of Americans have completely lost their sense of humanity and common sense. It makes me glad I don’t have any children.

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stupid people

First Amendment rights are no joke…

Meet Dillon Shane Webb of Lake City, Florida. Mr. Webb evidently likes to “eat ass”. How do I know? He had a sticker on his truck declaring it to the masses. The 23 year old man was recently driving through Columbia County when he was pulled over by a cop, who spotted the sticker on Webb’s rear window. The police officer believed Mr. Webb had violated Florida’s Statute 847.011, which prohibits the possession of obscene or lewd material, including drawings, pictures, or any other written or printed matter.

The deputy asked Mr. Webb how a parent of a small child should explain the concept of “ass eating” to their offspring. Webb said that it would be up to the parents. He also stated that the words were just a bunch of letters. The police officer then cited Webb for obscenity and gave him a paper ordering him to appear in court. He then asked Webb to remove one of the letters so that the sticker would no longer be “obscene”.

Webb refused to remove any letters, citing his First Amendment rights. The cop responded by arresting Webb and charging him with resisting arrest without violence and possession of obscene materials. He was later released on a $2500 bond. Webb was supposed to appear in court to answer the charges on May 23, but the charges were dropped. Why? Because Webb was correct about his sticker being protected under the First Amendment– right to free speech.

Edited to add: I just read in another account of this story that after the deputy bitched out Webb for his “derogatory” sticker, his colleagues can be heard on the dashcam footage saying that they should “tow his shit”. So not only were they ignorant of the law, they were also massive hypocrites!

Now, it looks like Webb will be suing Columbia County’s Sheriff’s Office. Webb’s lawyer tweeted to Anne Shindler of First Coast News, “Now we transition from defense to offense. The First Amendment was our defense. What is Sheriff Hunter’s defense? We will find out!” 

This is not the first story I’ve read or posted about people driving vehicles with “obscene” messages on them. In fact, just a few days ago, we had a lively discussion on my personal Facebook page about a truck covered with “obscene” things said by Donald Trump. If the U.S. President can’t keep his language clean, particularly when he’s talking about women, why should we expect regular guys like Dillon Webb to keep “dirty” stickers off his truck? I think we’re now living in a less genteel world anyway. It would be nice if everyone kept their language out of the gutter, but that’s not going to happen. Moreover, it’s absurd to ban certain bumper stickers simply because a child might see them. Eventually, most children will hear all of that stuff, anyway.

Now… does this mean I think Mr. Webb is a smart guy? No, it doesn’t. I mean, I can definitely empathize with his viewpoint and he’s probably being truthful when he says the police officer was “rude” and just wanting to arrest him. I just don’t think it’s particularly smart to be driving around with a sticker that reads “I eat ass.” It seems like the type of people who put this sort of thing on their vehicles are almost always truck drivers, too. But as an American, he does have the right to free speech. At least for the time being.

Kind of reminds me of this… back in the day when Florida wanted to ban 2 Live Crew.
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