silliness

When things mysteriously disappear…

I must be losing my mind. This morning, I stripped the bed so I could wash the sheets. I removed the pillows, the top and bottom sheets, the duvets, and their covers. I will admit that I was a little preoccupied this morning, thanks to the pain and numbness in my right hip and thigh. I remember pulling five of the six pillows on the bed to my side, leaving one on Bill’s side. I went to the other side to remove the sheets and the pillow… and sometime between taking the sheets off and removing the five other pillow cases, I misplaced the sixth pillow.

I’ve looked under the duvets, under the bed (where it couldn’t have fallen because the gap is too small), in the hallways, and along the route to the laundry room. The pillow is nowhere to be found. I’m sure it will turn up eventually, but it’s pretty creepy that I misplaced something that large and that random. I have no idea where it is or where it could have gone, even as I know it could not have walked off by itself.

This happens as a Facebook friend I met offline back in the early 00s shared a picture of me from 2004. I had red hair then, and I was short and stout, as I am now. However, I was a bit thinner at that time than I am now. Unfortunately, the person who took the picture elected to get a shot of my barrel sized butt, and the Facebook friend elected to tag me when she shared it. It’s not a good picture of me at all, although clearly I’m not the intended target of the photo. Why someone thought I’d want to see it and be tagged in it, I don’t know… although I realize we are our own worst critics. I mentioned my barrel butt and noticed later, this person shared a meme. It’s one I shared myself recently.

True, but that doesn’t mean I want to see a picture of it.

I suppose I could try to do something to make my barrel butt more like a keg, but if it looked like that fifteen years ago, the odds are it will look like that until I finally croak. I’ve been relatively good this week. Bill’s been out of town, so I’ve been on the wagon, despite the yucky weather. I think watching Intervention helps keep me drinking water instead of beer. Also, because it’s just me and I don’t feel like cooking a lot for just me, I’ve been eating somewhat less. But Bill comes home tomorrow, and the homecoming should be epic… if we don’t end up attending a mandatory fun Christmas party.

Maybe I should take heart. At least jerks like Tommy Callaway won’t be tempted to slap my ass on live TV. On the other hand, he’d have no excuse, since it would be impossible to miss it.

And finally, last night, I was trying to fall asleep because I made the mistake of napping yesterday morning (cold, dark, snowy weather does that to me). As I was lying there, wide awake, I posted a Facebook status update. “I need a girlfriend”. Now, when I posted that, I meant I need someone to hang out with locally… someone to go places with, drink wine with, gossip with, or whatever. But a guy I knew during my Peace Corps days posted an article from The Guardian entitled “Why it’s never too late to be a lesbian.” I was kind of amused by that, so I posted a gif from the 1989 film, Coming to America

A man’s got to put in overtime to get me off… Shit, it may be time to watch this again.

Ah well, these are minor problems in the grand scheme of things. I found out yesterday that yet another Epinions friend passed away. His name was Jeff, and I really didn’t know him apart from our writing pursuits. He was very well liked, as I’m now discovering by the many tributes left on his timeline. Jeff liked karaoke and doing stand up comedy. He was always nice, and very friendly, although I never got to know him very well. He’s the third Epinions friend who has died this year. All three succumbed to cancer, and at much younger ages than they should have. In Jeff’s case, it was brain tumors. He successfully had surgery to remove one tumor and an MRI picked up another tumor deeper in his brain that could not be removed. Because he was very weak, it was not possible to try radiation or chemotherapy. So, just a couple of days after his surgery, he journeyed to the great beyond.

I’m heartened to see what a positive impact Jeff has had on his vast array of friends. So many people are posting their condolences. I only hope he knew how much he meant to them before he passed. I think too many people withhold that positive regard until it’s too late. The well wishes are nice to read now, but they probably would have been even nicer a month ago. As far as I can tell, Jeff was still somewhat okay at that point. I see that he was posting on Facebook and doing stand up, anyway. It sounds like his death was a complete shock and totally unexpected.

On his journey to the Pearly Gates, Jeff joins Philip McKeon, who was Tommy Hyatt on the sitcom, Alice, Carroll Spinney, who played Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, Marie Frederikksson of Roxette, and a hapless raccoon who got drunk on Gluhwein at one of Germany’s many Christmas markets and wound up being shot. Actually, I could rant about the raccoon, but I need to see to my runaway bed linens. Maybe later, I’ll get to it.

Sure wish my fat ass would mysteriously disappear like that pillow did.

Edited to add: I just remembered where that pillow went. Bill took one with him on his business trip because German hotels usually have terrible pillows.

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complaints

My back is totally farked…

Yesterday, I became aware of a site called Fark.com. Why? Because someone on that site linked to a blog post I wrote a couple of days ago. After reading up a little on what Fark.com is about, I decided to password protect the post. It’s not that I don’t have a sense of humor and appreciation for snark, but that particular post was kind of personal and I wasn’t wanting to field a bunch of shitty comments from people who are just wanting to make fun of me.

I’m surprised I’d never heard of Fark before. It’s been around since 1997. Invented by Drew Curtis, it’s a site where users post links to weird or funny news. I’m sure a number of my blog posts qualify as weird or funny, but the one they were linking to included my rant about my sister sending me a picture of my dad on his death bed. There is really NOTHING funny or snarkworthy about that, so I decided it was time to make that post password protected. Of course, they might have wanted to poke fun at the beginning of that post, which was about one of my pet peeves– people who include themselves in a another person’s singular experience (ie; men saying “We got pregnant.”). Who knows?

Anyway… today’s post might be somewhat weirder and funnier than that one was, especially for those who enjoy laughing at other people’s agony and humiliation. I woke up this morning in excruciating pain. Our mattress is about ten years old and it needs to be replaced. Consequently, for the past few months, I’ve been waking up with increasingly severe lower back pain. Sometimes, I don’t have pain, or it’s not so bad. It hurts for maybe a half an hour and then fades away without any need for Advil. This morning, it’s been pretty horrible. I’ve been up for over two hours and it’s just now starting to subside, and only after I took ibuprofen, a hot shower, and almost passed out from pain at the kitchen table. I sometimes also have problems with my thighs going numb when I’m lying on my back.

Bear with me, now… I’m about to deliver some of my trademark TMI. I’m sure any woman who has been pregnant can relate to this, but this morning I actually found myself on Amazon.com looking for an implement I can use for butt wiping when my back is acting up. Seriously. This isn’t a problem I suffer every day, but it’s happened enough times that I’ve actually considered getting a tool I can load up with toilet paper that will make reaching my ass easier first thing in the morning. Whatever back issues I have make it almost impossible to reach back there until my back loosens up.

My Amazon search reveals that I’m not alone in having this issue. Besides butt wiping tools, there are lots of “portable bidets” available. I can’t decide which would be better for me. If I get a portable bidet, maybe I can save on toilet paper use. Our ex landlady claims that Americans use too much toilet paper, and that’s why the “water saver” toilet in her house backed up three times when we first moved in. Curiously enough, the other, newer one on the ground floor never backed up, nor did we have to flush it three times to get everything to go down. If we’d had a portable bidet when we lived in that house, maybe we wouldn’t have had issues with that toilet. What eventually stopped the blockages was changing our toilet paper brand (and we switched to another American brand, not a German one), and using a hell of a lot more water in the “water saver” toilet and flushing it at least twice with every dump. She never bothered to ask us what we did to remedy the problem so she could warn her future American tenants, but then, she seems to think she knows all about us.

It’s now 9:30am, and the roaring pain in my back that almost made me vomit this morning is now finally quieting down to a dull mew. I probably better give Arran a proper walk today. That will likely make my back pain less severe tomorrow. As hard as it is, the best thing to do is move… but I swear, this morning, the pain was so raw and I was in such agony that I was seriously afraid I was going to faint. I got all hot and clammy and lost color in my face. It’s been awhile since I last passed out, but I know the signs. A lot of times, it’s happened when I’ve been in acute pain. I don’t have the best pain threshold, and since Bill isn’t here, it would not be good to faint.

As for finding a new mattress… unfortunately, it’s not so easy to do that in Germany, since German beds aren’t sized the way American beds are. We could probably order a mattress from AAFES, but that would mean having to figure out how to get it to the house and set up. We may have to do that, though, because I’m only 47 and I don’t want to go through life feeling like this every morning. It’s humiliating to be so stiff and full of pain that I can’t even wipe myself properly after my morning constitutionals. I know pregnant women deal with this problem, and so do elderly folks. I don’t fit in either category.

I probably also should take better care of myself… eat less crap, drink less booze, and start doing yoga along with other weight bearing exercises. If I want to bring a puppy into our house after the holidays, I’m going to have to be able to keep up. This may also mean that Bill will be dragging me to the doctor by my hair again. Or maybe not…

Hey… it’s almost 10:00am and I just have the slightest pain now. That’s one good thing about having back pain in the morning. When it does finally fade away, you feel so much better, even if it’s not completely gone. I mean, I still have slightly throbbing pain in my hips, but it’s so much less than what it was that I feel comparatively great. Endorphins help, too.

I think I like the word, “farked”. Maybe I will incorporate it into my daily vocabulary. But I don’t think I will be frequenting that Web site, fun as it probably is.

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