mental health, narcissists, psychology, social media

Those of you who are “hell in high heels”, kindly stay the hell away from me!

The featured photo is of a shoe that was shared around social media a few years ago. It seems to fit the theme of today’s post.

Good morning WordPress fans. I had a really terrible time trying to sleep last night. I was kind of lazy yesterday, so I didn’t get tired for physical reasons. I didn’t drink anything alcoholic last night, nor did I take any sleep aids. Bill isn’t home, so taking care of Arran’s nocturnal needs falls to me, and he got up twice– once at about 2:30 AM, then an hour later. I ended up feeding him at 3:45, because he was demanding it, and I was awake anyway. Then I realized that Noyzi was trapped in his room, because he hasn’t learned to use his paw to open doors for himself. So once I opened his door, he wanted to eat and go outside, too. By the time we were done, it was close to 4:00 AM. I was wide awake.

I then got on Facebook, because although I’ve been trying to finish reading my latest book, I kept getting distracted. I ended up seeing a GoFundMe post shared by a “friend”. To put this in perspective, this is not someone I know offline. I think we might have “met” back in the days when Facebook games required users to be friends if they wanted to be “neighbors”. I ended up with a bunch of strangers as friends because of that policy. A couple of them have actually endured, even though we don’t really know each other personally.

I know this phenomenon isn’t all that unusual. I have a few friends who don’t know each other offline, but have friended each other because they “met” while interacting with me. Sometimes what ends up happening, when your friends make friends with each other, is that you unintentionally get exposed to drama you wouldn’t otherwise.

So, anyway, there I was in the wee hours of the morning, reading a GoFundMe plea for money on behalf of a woman my “friend” knew from college. It seems that my Facebook friend’s college friend and her husband have been supporting the college friend’s very ill ex husband. The ex husband is on Social Security and just had a liver transplant. For some reason, the ex wife and her current husband have been paying most of her ex’s non-medical expenses. They are now “tapped out” and need financial help. So they are crowdfunding, and my “friend” dutifully shared their request on her page.

I noticed one of the comments on that post. It came from another college friend of my Facebook friend’s. She donated to the crowdfund, even though she specifically stated that she wasn’t friends with the college friend who has been supporting her very ill ex husband. She wrote, “I wanted nothing to do with her. We aren’t in the same socioeconomic class”. Nevertheless, the person still donated money, because she wanted to help the very sick ex husband, who is also the father of her college classmate’s son.

She later posted an irate comment, because she got a thank you note for her contribution from the current husband. In the note, the current husband wrote that the money would go for helping pay expenses for the ex husband with the liver transplant, and “reimbursing” him and the ex wife the money they have spent to help the ex husband. For some reason, this really PISSED off the contributor, who claims that this is fraudulent behavior. She writes that she’s complained to GoFundMe and “the government”. Below is a screenshot…

To reiterate, I don’t know these people at all. I have no idea why the divorce occurred. I know nothing about the the characters of the couple who asked for the money, nor do I know the ex husband who had the liver transplant. It sounds like the split was at least a little bit amicable, though. I know sometimes people get divorced because of financial reasons caused by severe health issues. I know of a few people who split up and remain on excellent terms with their exes. In any case, on the surface, I think it’s very commendable that this married couple is helping the wife’s ex husband. I don’t see a problem with them getting some money from the fundraiser, if they have put their own funds into helping the very sick ex husband. People need money to live, and if you’re paying for another person’s bills, it gets expensive fast. Whenever I give money to a cause, I expect that not all of what I give goes directly to the cause. But that’s just me.

Perhaps this person is thinking that the folks who have been helping the liver transplant patient are not, themselves, deserving of any financial assistance, since they presumably freely chose to give their money to the cause. I don’t know. But if they’re still helping the guy, transporting him back and forth to medical appointments in another state, paying the rent on his apartment, buying him groceries, supplies, or whatever else, it seems to me that they should get some of the money, too. After all, they are providing some of the care, aren’t they? And most people would get paid for that kind of work. If the couple asking for funds weren’t doing it, someone would hopefully be doing that work for money.

I was curious about the woman who was kind enough to donate money to a crowdfund set up by a person she’d stated that she’d previously wanted nothing to do with when they were in college. So I took a peek at her profile page. There, in her intro, she’d typed “Hell in high heels”. I suppose a person could take that in a number of ways. Sometimes people who would refer to themselves as “hell in high heels” just mean that they’re high-mettled, feisty types. While that type of person can be challenging at times, they aren’t necessarily troublemakers. Sometimes, it just means they’re not to be trifled with casually.

But then I noticed a bunch of very dramatic public posts… and I very quickly surmised that this person probably really is “hell in high heels.” She posted a list of names of people who have evidently crossed her– including the name of one person who is dead. Then she wrote:

There were several more posts of this nature– all very public and scathing. And again, I don’t know what this is about, but it appears maybe it had to do with some sort of crime involving a family member that the “hell in high heels” person was the last to find out about. She’s obviously very angry about it, and wants to tell the world. I stopped reading her page when I got to this last comment.

*Is she a Scorpio? I’ve heard they’re pretty vindictive.*

She also wrote, “I swear this is the biggest truth. I am the most vindictive vengeful human on this planet and I’ll wait as long as I have to but I will get even.”

I do understand this kind of seething anger. I have experienced it myself. On the other hand, people who are this open about their rage– who openly admit that they never forgive people or apologize– are usually high conflict individuals who lack personal insight and introspection. They’re often much more trouble than they’re worth, because in spite of the Pinterest ready meme platitudes they share, they’re immature, dramatic, and quite often, very narcissistic and hypocritical. This person had posted the below meme, which references not walking on eggshells…

I agree with the above statement, but I can’t imagine not walking on eggshells around a person who publicly posts the statements that this individual did. She openly states that she doesn’t forgive. She outright says she’s vindictive and vengeful. That implies that she doesn’t think she makes mistakes, or that other people should be allowed to make mistakes. It seems like it would be a lot of pressure to maintain a relationship with this type of person. On the other hand, at least she’s honest about who she is… which is more than I can say about Ex, one of a few people in my life who have made me seethe in anger. A person who is this open about their ability to be petty and vindictive are at least kind enough to offer fair warning, so they can be avoided.

Lately, Ex has been posting more dross in her unending quest to maintain her facade. She’s always trying to promote this humanitarian “Mother Teresa” image. And yet I know very well, that beneath that seemingly benevolent exterior, there is a true monster who uses people up, and leaves them broken and broke. My very kind and responsible husband left their marriage unable to father more children without medical help, and with both a bankruptcy and foreclosure on his credit record. She also left physical scars due to her abuse of him. Meanwhile, she told his parents and their children blatant, vicious lies about his character. She also told them lies about me, and my character, even though we’ve never met in person and she knows little about me. Put it this way… no one in her sphere has spent that much in person time with me, nor have they ever been in an intimate situation with me. Bill, on the other hand, has spent that kind of time with her. So has younger daughter. My inlaws know her pretty well, too.

God knows I’ve ranted a lot about her. I do think she’s a terrible person. But I also have a scintilla of compassion for her, because I know she was terribly abused and neglected, and she had a legitimately terrible childhood. That’s not an excuse for the way she behaves today, but it is a regrettable fact that she has suffered significant abuse. Although she doesn’t always act like it, she is a human being. And I try to maintain basic compassion for all human beings. I do believe she suffered, and I’m certain that she has mental health issues. Unfortunately, she’s also a narcissist, and a high conflict person. She seems “wonderful” on the surface. Get to know her, though, and soon you will be exposed to the rottenness.

But she keeps trying. Lord, does she keep trying to convince strangers that she’s really a lovely person… See below:

I suspect the “treasures” she’s selling are actually Older Daughter’s creations.

Those who get to know Ex well, will eventually and often see a woman who is more like the “hell in high heels” person who inspired this post. She rants, rages, and says the most damaging things. She lies, manipulates, and does harm to other people without a second thought. Those who are closest to her will be left with scars. Sometimes, they are literal scars in intimate places, and other times they are emotional scars that never fade with time.

Now… I don’t know if the person I wrote about at the beginning of this post is like Ex, or if she’s just super pissed off at the moment and having trouble processing her anger. I have experienced that myself. Sometimes, it takes me a long time to cool off when someone has tried to screw me over. Former landlady comes to mind. I was very angry with her for a long time. Now, I seem to have mostly gotten over it, even though that whole situation was incredibly bizarre. I will admit, I kind of resent that we were involved in that situation… and in fact, in a weird way, it’s partly due to Ex that we were. Because if not for her disastrous financial shenanigans, from which we had to spend a few years recovering, we probably wouldn’t be renters today. On the other hand, we probably also wouldn’t be living in Germany.

I fully admit that I’m not the easiest person to like. Some people find me annoying, insufferable, overly blunt, obnoxious, and weird. But I know that, deep down, I truly am a kind person, and have the capacity to forgive people, even if it takes awhile. It comes from being hurt when I was a defenseless child. I know that’s probably the root of Ex’s problems, too… Perhaps even Donald Trump is the way he is because he was deeply hurt when he was a defenseless child. The difference is, Ex and her ilk are truly not to be trusted. I don’t know about the lady who inspired this post, but I can’t say that her public persona on Facebook would make me want to approach. When she writes that she’s “Hell in high heels”, I am inclined to believe her. And I am inclined to stay the hell away from her.

Sigh… hopefully tonight, I’ll sleep better and stay out of Facebook rabbit holes. I did eventually sleep for about two hours, before Arran woke me up again at 6:30 AM. On another note, this is not the first time a Facebook friend I don’t actually know has led me to strange places. I probably need to prune my friends list again. 😉

book reviews, domestic violence, modern problems, true crime

Reposted book review: Social Taboo: A Male Victim of Domestic Violence Speaks…

Here’s another reposted book review from the original Overeducated Housewife blog. This one was written in July 2017 and appears as/is. I had completely forgotten about this book, but it’s definitely one that belongs on my blog.

Sad story plus wretched writing equals missed opportunities…

Ever since I started reading it, I have been itching to write my review of Social Taboo: A Male Victim of Domestic Violence Speaks. I finally finished reading Richard Cassalata’s 2016 book about twenty minutes ago after struggling with it and thinking it would never end. I didn’t realize it when I started reading this book, but Social Taboo is 578 painful pages in length. I would guess at least 150 of those pages could have been omitted. Add in the fact that Mr. Cassalata apparently never had this book edited or even read by a literate friend before he published it, and you have a recipe for a former English major’s nightmare.

As you might guess from this book’s title, Social Taboo is a non-fiction account of a man’s experience with an abusive woman. The author, who refers to himself as Rick, writes that in early January 2011, he had been looking online for a relationship with a woman. Rick is a divorced father of three boys, and as of 2016, he lives in Arizona. He has not had much luck with online personal ads. Evidently, many of the responses he gets are porn solicitations.

One night, Rick gets an email from an attractive woman named Amy. Amy lives in Eloy, which is evidently a crime infested, yet very rural, area. She’s a teacher in her mid to late 30s at the time, having earned teaching certifications in Ohio and Arizona. She invites Rick over and asks him to bring with him a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.

Although Rick is not much of a drinker, he complies with Amy’s request and drives out to Eloy. He and Amy hit it off immediately, although Rick is slightly alarmed when Amy pours herself a generous measure of vodka mixed with cranberry juice. Although he says nothing to her at the time, it soon becomes apparent that Amy has a serious drinking problem.

Rick, who is in the midst of earning his teaching credentials, finds that he and Amy are able to talk shop. However, besides talking about their work, Amy also talks about her past relationships. If you know anything about women with cluster B personality disorders, you know that there are already a couple of red flags popping up during this couple’s first meeting.

Rick describes Amy as witty, charming, sweet, friendly, and very attractive. He writes that they “clicked” from the get go. And while it may not be the smartest thing for him to have done, during that first date, Rick and Amy are consummating their brand new relationship between the sheets on Amy’s bed. Unfortunately, Amy neglects to tell Rick that she has contracted oral herpes, which Rick incorrectly identifies as a sexually transmitted disease. Yes, it can be transmitted sexually, but what Rick is referring to is the same virus that causes cold sores. In truth, most people have been exposed to the virus that causes oral herpes by the time they are adults.

Things move quickly, as they often do in relationships with women who have cluster B personality disorders. Pretty soon, Rick and Amy are inseparable. Rick gets approval to work with Amy– she actually becomes his supervisor as he’s picking up training hours at Amy’s school. Yet another red flag is raised, but Rick is apparently oblivious to it. Soon, they’re talking about marriage and it’s not long before Rick moves in to Amy’s home. When he’s living with her, Rick discovers that Amy’s drinking problem is a lot more serious than he’d first realized. Aside from that, she is extremely possessive and resents it when Rick plays racquetball with his buddies on Saturday mornings. He comes back from the court to find Amy completely obliterated after she’s consumed way too much Grey Goose vodka.

Rick soon finds himself deeply entrenched in his relationship with Amy, who seems to be having a hard time letting go of her ex husband, Jim. She claims that they need to see each other because they are filing their taxes. Rick isn’t happy about Amy’s continued visits with her ex, but he tolerates it until it becomes clear that Amy is doing a lot more than discussing taxes with Jim. But when Rick confronts Amy, she goes batshit crazy. It’s not long before Amy enlists local law enforcement in her bid to control Rick. She even talks him into handing over his paychecks to her. Again… a classic red flag of an abuser.

It turns out that Amy is also kinky. She has a collection of sex toys and wants Rick to use them on her and be her “Dom”, that is, sexual dominant. She uses sex to make up with Rick after their epic fights. All I can say is that Amy must have been one hell of a lover. Rick falls for her tricks over and over again, just like Charlie Brown does when Lucy Van Pelt offers to hold the football for him. I don’t actually have anything against kink. However, it’s pretty clear that Amy uses kink as a means to control her men.

Throughout the book, Rick refers to the interesting array of jobs he’s held in the helping profession. He claims to have been a law enforcement officer, a social worker, and a teacher, both at the college and school levels. However, Rick doesn’t really give readers a full accounting of his academic pedigree. This was one of my many complaints about Social Taboo. As I was reading Rick’s story, he would mention his academic background, but in vague terms. I myself have master’s degrees in social work and public health, so he caught my attention when he wrote about his sociology degree, but then referred to himself as a “former social worker”.

First off, social work and sociology are not the same thing. Secondly, while Rick may have worked for child protective services at one point, that would not make him a social worker. Social work is not synonymous with child welfare work. Moreover, having earned my degree in social work, I know what goes into getting that education. I was perplexed by Rick’s vast array of careers. He’s supposedly only 35 years old at one point in this book. It takes time and money to become a qualified social worker or teacher, particularly at the college level. And yet, Rick has apparently been a social worker, a teacher, a professor, and a law enforcement officer. I question how much experience he would have had in those fields and how he managed to earn the appropriate credentials. I’m not saying he’s outright lying, but it would have been helpful if he had explained that a bit more.

My next complaint about this book is that it is way too long. I see an earlier paperback version of this book comes in at over 700 pages. This edition, which has a different title, is almost 600 pages. A lot of those pages should have been edited out because much of it is repetitive minutiae. At one point in the book, I was sure I had to be at least halfway through it. I was dismayed to see I had only read about 25%. I eventually found myself skimming because it was very repetitive and taking much too long to finish.

And finally, my biggest complaint about this book is the shitty writing. Cassalata has a rather conversational style that could be engaging if not for all of the typographical errors, awkward sentence constructions, dangling participles, and wrong word choices. Seriously, there were some errors that were almost laughable. For the sake of this review, I’m going to find a few of the more memorable ones.

“After leaving my house, I purchased a big cup of coffee at a nearby convince store.”

“They’re just did not seem to be a happy medium in any decision concerning her in weeks.”

“Ferrous, I walked out of the classroom without acknowledging Amy’s existence.”

“I fucking hate you for that… you sun of a bitch!”

“Since you are freeloading off me and living in my house you will respect me you sorry sun of a bitch.”

“Arriving home, Amy was gone and it was a welcome relief.”

“Noticing the sun setting we walked out of the restaurant and Amy held my hand out the door.”

The book is absolutely saturated with mistakes like the ones I’ve posted. When you have to get through 600 pages, it becomes very tiresome to run across so many errors. More than once, I contemplated giving up on the book. I also had to fight the urge to rant about it before I managed to finish. Imagine… this man, like his psycho ex, Amy, are teachers. No wonder so many people homeschool.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s good that Mr. Cassalata was willing to share his story. I wish more male victims of relationship abuse would speak out; that way, people like Bill’s ex wife might brought to justice for the havoc they wreak. I just think that if you’re going to go to the trouble of writing a book about your experiences, particularly the very personal experiences the author writes of, you should make sure the writing is of good quality. It’s asking a lot to ask readers to wade through almost 600 pages of explicit writing about abuse. The least that author could do is make the writing worth the effort and as easy as possible for the reader– particularly given that readers often have paid for the book. I see Cassalata’s paperback version is selling for about $25. I would be pissed if I’d spent $25 on this book as it’s written.

Anyway, make no mistake about it. Rick Cassalata got himself entangled with a psycho. I empathize with him. A lot of what he wrote about Amy is eerily similar to stories I’ve heard about Bill’s ex wife, right down to the weird sex, financial abuse, and irrational rages. Bill was fortunate in that his ex wife had a fear of government interference, so she never called the police on him. However, she did do a lot of the other things Amy did… and, oddly enough, Bill’s ex used to live in Arizona. I hope things are better for Rick now. I see at the end of his book, he’s got links to men’s rights organizations. I, personally, have no issue with that, but I would imagine that if a lot of women read this book, they might.

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The Overeducated Housewife

Just another boring blog about a boring housewife…

Tag Archives: high conflict people