Please excuse the risque title of today’s repost. I probably shouldn’t repost it, because it’s kind of in poor taste. I’m having some trouble coming up with a good topic, though, and I noticed this funny song parody I did in 2018. This post is as/is, so imagine it’s June 29, 2018, instead of 2023.
I could write about how pissed off I am at Donald Trump right now… but that’s kind of an ongoing condition that waxes and wanes but never completely goes away. No… after yesterday’s moody post, I think today, I’m going to try to be funny. I’ll probably fail, although I’m fairly likely to offend. Oh well.
Yesterday, I decided to make some music on SingSnap. It was my first day back after a ten day hiatus that was started, in part, because I was getting hit on by some guy who tried to flatter me by telling me he thinks I’m “hot”… probably says that about every female with a pulse. Another reason why I decided not to do any music is because for the past ten days or so, there have been road workers tearing up our street. I don’t like to make music when there are people outside the window. It makes me self-conscious. Also, I don’t like the sound of jackhammers on my recordings.
The street isn’t even in particularly bad condition, but Germans repair everything on a timeline. It’s time to repave the street, so that’s what they’re doing right now. For the past two days, there’s been a trench at the end of our driveway. Good thing I didn’t need to drive anywhere. They did fix it last night.
Anyway, the construction workers weren’t around for most of yesterday, so I decided it was time to make some music. I recorded a whole bunch of songs. And as I was scrolling through the featured country songs yesterday, I happened to read too fast. I saw Conway Twitty’s song, “I’d Love to Lay You Down” followed by Shenandoah’s “I’ll Go Down Loving You”. I looked at the two titles too quickly and did a double take, because it looked like there was a song on the list called “I’d Love to Go Down On You”. I know song titles are more risque these days, but that seemed pretty over the top. Then, I had a good laugh… because can you imagine the lyrics? Naturally, I next saw that as a challenge.
Bill took our dogs to Uncle Max’s because we’re going to stay in downtown Stuttgart this weekend. The Rolling Stones are playing tomorrow night and we have tickets on the 13th row. I have a feeling that by the end of the show, we will not be in any condition to drive home. We decided to make a “staycation” weekend out of it. We’ll go out to dinner tonight, see the concert tomorrow, and come home on Sunday.
Meanwhile, I have to find some way to occupy my time before Bill finishes work and fetches me for our weekend in the big city… So, with that in mind, I think I’ll write another one of my famous song parodies. Here goes.
Here are the original lyrics to Adam Sandler’s masterpiece…
I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad Carry you around when your arthritis is bad All I wanna do is grow old with you
I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches Build you a fire if the furnace breaks Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you
I’ll miss you Kiss you Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you Feed you Even let you hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you I wanna grow old with you
And here are my gross revamped lyrics… (Just so you know, I’ve never actually done this. I’m about as conventional as they come when it comes to coming.)
I wanna make you grin when your balls are blue.
Help you sleep when there’s too much to do.
All I wanna do… is go down on you.
I’ll give you lots of love when your stress is high…
Sit back, relax, I’ll unzip your fly…
Oh, it could be so nice, going down on you.
I’ll bless you
Massage you when your manhood’s limp.
Even pretend that you’re my pimp…
So let me climb across your sexy bod…
Bow down to your stiffened rod…
Oh I could be the girl… who goes down on you..
I’d love to go down on you.
Bill’s birthday is July 7th. I suppose I could give him this for his birthday and make all his dreams *cum* true… (see what I did there?) But knowing me, it’ll be just another boring day in paradise. Apologies to anyone who now needs brain bleach.
Edited to add in 2023: I wouldn’t actually do this, because I’m about as sexy as a box of cotton swabs. I just have a really dirty mind sometimes. I did actually record a version of my parody for SingSnap, but they changed their recording system, so I can’t repost my version of the song. I’d do it for YouTube, but I have a feeling they’d just restrict it to adults. Maybe I’ll make a video of it just for my blog… We’ll see.
Here it is…
The original post was pretty well received… Here are the comments.
AlexisARJune 29, 2018 at 6:14 PMI’m supposed to meet up with my ultra-conservative charismatic Catholic godmother as soon as she finishes what she has to do at the county courthouse in relation to some property their business is buying.. I will share your lyrics to freak her out.
We’re going to San Jose to pick up cupcakes for my cousin’s baby shower. Then I am catching a plane to Canada.
VajraJuly 3, 2018 at 4:29 AMI love mondegreens. My favorite is “a half an enchilada and you think you’re going to drown” rather than John Prine’s “half an inch of water and you think you’re going to drown”. Kudos for the entire song. heh heh heh
This morning, over buttermilk pancakes, bacon, and coffee, Bill and I had an interesting discussion about narcissists and their “humor”… or lack thereof. Our discussion started because I had been reading a thread about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry on the Recovery from Mormonism messageboard. Yesterday, someone started a thread about shunning, and how Christmas is when a lot of people get excluded from family events. And, in what appeared to me to be a rather one-sided take on the Prince Harry/Meghan Markle situation, the person pointed out that a lot of people are going to be treated badly by their families this holiday season.
Since Harry has a book coming out, and Meghan and Harry have just dropped their Netflix series, a lot of people are buzzing about them. Some people have seen the series and said it was very boring and rehashed. Others have come away with a renewed sense of sympathy for the couple, who are now outside of the British Royal Family, seemingly “shunned”. Someone else started a thread likening their situation to having left a “cult”– referring to British Royal Family as the cult.
Personally, I don’t subscribe to the viewpoint that Meghan Markle has been that badly treated. She probably has suffered due to the press, and she probably has experienced racism. But I don’t think she’s been a complete angel, and the constant complaining about how Harry’s very famous and established family members have treated her is getting pretty tiresome… at least to me. It’s hard to feel sorry for an attractive, healthy couple living in a beautiful mansion in a very expensive and exclusive part of the United States. Because they are rich and famous, they have a platform, and they haven’t hesitated to use and abuse it to their hearts’ content. A lot of the regular folks living in the real world are about tapped out on Harry and Meghan’s sad tale of woe, even if there is some truth to their story.
I’ve mentioned before that Meghan makes my “cluster B chimes” go off. I don’t know her at all, and it’s possible that I’ve completely misread her. However, I have found that my instincts are usually pretty accurate when it comes to spotting behavior that is self-centered and narcissistic. I don’t know enough about Meghan Markle to comment on her sense of humor. I know that she tries hard to present herself as a kind, considerate, loving person, even if there’s a lot of anecdotal evidence that she’s not really like that. But honestly, I don’t know… all I know is that I get a lot of familiar vibes that tell me she’s probably not a very funny person… at least not when it comes to humor that isn’t at someone else’s expense. I did notice, for instance, that she Meghan had Mariah Carey on her Archetypes podcast, and Mariah said that Meghan gave off “diva vibes”, Meghan seemed unamused. She didn’t laugh and say, “you’re right, Mariah.” She later clarified the “diva vibes” as something powerful and positive, when that clearly wasn’t what Mariah meant. Mariah owns being a diva. Meghan doesn’t.
As we were talking about Meghan and Harry, we somehow got on the subject of the narcissistic sense of humor, or lack thereof. I’ve found that one of the easiest ways to spot a narcissist is to observe whether or not they can take a joke, and what they find funny. And, I suddenly remembered some of the best examples of the narcissistic sense of humor I’ve seen in my lifetime.
I’ve mentioned before that when Bill went to Iraq, he had the burden of serving with a very narcissistic boss who used to make humiliating jokes at Bill’s expense. During their sixth month stint in Iraq, he’d send me pictures of Bill, literally buried up to his neck in paperwork and make jokes about his work or even his physical stature. I remember at one point, he referred to Bill as a “welterweight”. Later, Bill told me that his boss used to laugh at his “nasty artistic streak” that needed to be “quashed”. When he found out I’d served in the Peace Corps, he had a good laugh, because he saw it as a “wimpy” and “woke” thing to do. I’ll bet he wouldn’t have enjoyed the living conditions I experienced over there. He also implied that another soldier’s wife was stupid because she didn’t catch his “humor”, quipping to Bill “Your wife would have gotten [the joke] right away.” He tried to ingratiate himself to me, telling me that Bill missed me very much. I totally could see that he missed me, on so many levels, mainly because every week he would call me from Baghdad and tell me about how much his boss reminded him of Ex.
A few years later, this very same colonel, who had been slated to pin on as a brigadier general, was very publicly fired for abusing troops. There was a huge expose about it in which his behavior was described in detail. I can no longer find the whole article, since it was published in 2011. But I have found snippets of it, such as the quotes below:
Bill often told me about how his boss enjoyed humiliating people in front of their peers. He thought it was “funny” to embarrass his soldiers, while they were in a war zone. When Bill went to Iraq with this man, it was both of their first times at war. The boss wasn’t running a brigade that time, so Bill got most of the abuse. I was very angry when I heard about it, because it seems to me that being in a war zone is hard enough without some asshole boss getting their kicks out of belittling and humiliating their underlings. But because it was just Bill in this situation, he didn’t feel that he could speak up about it on his own behalf. A couple of his “brothers in arms” spoke up instead. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to stop Bill’s ex boss from leading a brigade in Iraq and abusing them. And, like most malignant narcissists, he had a very embarrassing and public fall. We see the same thing happening to Donald Trump right now… as he pitches his ridiculous NFTs.
Then I remembered Halloween 2021, when I read about the costume Ex’s teenaged son with “severe autism” wore to go trick or treating. Ex is a big fan of children’s movies from the 70s and 80s, as well as child friendly characters. I know she is a great lover of all things Peanuts. In fact, Bill has told me that she reminds him a lot of Lucy Van Pelt, especially when she offers to hold a proverbial football to be kicked.
Well, Ex’s son, who is reportedly non-verbal, wore a Peanuts themed costume in 2021. Ex dressed him up like Charlie Brown. Not as the usual Charlie Brown with the striped shirt, but in the ghost costume Charlie Brown wore. If you’ve seen It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, then you probably know that Charlie Brown famously got rocks for Halloween. And his ghost costume was full of holes.
Looking at the images on Google, I can see that this isn’t a particularly original idea. A lot of people dress up in a Charlie Brown style ghost costume on Halloween. The difference is, they probably chose that costume themselves and understand the snarky humor behind it. Ex’s son, from what I’ve heard, is not quite at that level of thinking. I wrote about this incident last year, and in my post from November 2021, I noted:
Ex dressed her son up like Charlie Brown on Halloween. He carried a sign that said something along the lines of, “All I got was a rock.” Ex wrote that people didn’t seem to get the joke. That’s probably a good thing, when you consider that she was parading her apparently severely autistic son around– a boy who is supposedly “non-verbal” and may never live on his own– as Charlie Brown, the butt of everyone’s jokes who can’t make a simple ghost costume and always gets rocks from his neighbors.
I doubt that Ex’s son came up with the “joke”. I think this was something Ex dreamed up and decided to have a little fun at her son’s expense. And while some people probably didn’t get the context of Charlie Brown wearing a holey ghost costume and getting rocks from his neighbors on Halloween, others probably thought the costume was in extremely poor taste. I continued in last year’s post:
As I mentioned before… I have never met her son. I don’t know what level of functioning he’s attained. She did publicly state that he was capable of uttering a carefully rehearsed line to anyone who asked about his costume– “I had some trouble with the scissors.” She implied that it took some time to teach him that line, which makes me wonder if there are issues with his intellect. But again, I don’t know. I do think it’s kind of strange to publicly declare so much love for a child, but then dress him up as an obvious “loser” for Halloween, laugh at the spectacle of it, and then tweet it publicly. Maybe Ex thinks of it as “harmless fun.” And, to her, it surely is– maybe it also is to strangers who don’t know anything about her or her children. For the boy, I’m not as sure… If he gets the joke and agrees with it, okay. But if he doesn’t get it, and has just been unwittingly made the butt of a joke– scoring laughs for his mother at his own expense– maybe not.
See… this is the kind of “humor” I’m referring to when I reference “narcissistic humor”. It’s belittling, sarcastic, mean-spirited, and rude. Some people find that kind of humor funny. And for some folks who have narcissistic bents, it’s the ONLY kind of humor they find funny or understand. I went into a lot more detail about this situation in last year’s post, but the one other thing I want to reiterate for this one is that what makes the Charlie Brown costume so insidiously offensive is that the slight isn’t obvious. It’s a subtle dig. If she’d been more obvious– say put her son in blackface or some other obviously offensive costume– that would have put a lot of negative attention on her. But with the Charlie Brown ghost costume, she can be mean, but not seem obviously so. It’s not cool to be obviously mean to someone who has severe autism, and other people would call her out for doing that. However, those who aren’t severely affected by autism are fair game for her meanest and most humiliating digs. That’s what she thinks is funny. Last year, I wrote:
The Charlie Brown costume is more subtly humiliating, especially for a boy who may not realize that he’s being made the object of derision by his own mother. Now… if the boy chose the costume himself and has the capacity to understand the implication of wearing it, okay. But I doubt he does or did… I think, once again, Ex used someone else to get her jollies… to make herself feel better for what, apparently, hasn’t turned out to be the fantastic life she envisioned for herself.
Dr. Les Carter made a great video about this subject. If you would like to learn more about narcissistic style humor, I would highly recommend that you watch this video. As almost all of Les Carter’s videos are, it’s very insightful.
Well, that about does it for today’s blog post. It’s still extremely cold here in Germany, but at least the sun has come out. Tomorrow, the temperatures are supposed to rise, so maybe that will mean Noyzi’s water bowl won’t be constantly frozen. Our neighbor has invited us over for an hour of Gluhwein this evening. Glad I have some heavy sweaters now!
One of my friends from college shared this hilarious video with me, knowing that I would love it…
It took some doing to figure out to whom I should credit this video. Looks like it was done by the guy who runs the rekording channel on YouTube. Chris Franklin wrote the lyrics. They are too funny. I think my favorite line is “it spreads faster than a hooker’s legs.”
As I was fucking around on YouTube, I heard him do another song… Check him out. He’s got chops!
Just now, a brand new friend shared this with me…
Shit. Now I’m feeling inspired to write a song parody. Why not? It’s cloudy and we can’t go anywhere anyway. And music gets me in less trouble than rants do…
We are blessed to have plenty of toilet paper and wine… Bill made homemade ravioli last night. Maybe I’ll write about it on my other blog. Why not? Hope you all enjoy these numbers. If I find any more, I’ll add them to this post.
Back in the heady days of George W. Bush’s presidency, I was exposed to a wonderful singer-songwriter-guitarist named Eric Schwartz. He wrote and sang a hilarious song called “Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis”…
I subscribed to Eric’s YouTube channel after I heard this song the first time. I kept with him for awhile, but then he faded from my conscience because life happened and, back then, he didn’t seem to be very prolific. This morning, much to my delight, I saw that he has a new song out. It’s not as hilarious as the one that introduced me to his genius, but it still packs a punch…
Music is such a powerful instrument for spreading messages to the masses. Eric pretty much sums up my issues with Trump supporters, especially the ones who claim to be Christians. There is nothing about Donald Trump that champions what Jesus Christ taught. I don’t understand supposed Christians who support Trump’s sleazy politics, his constant lies, and flagrant disregard for everything from the environment to the checks and balances that were intended to prevent tyrants from taking over the country. I love that people like Eric Schwartz turn our collective frustration with U.S. leaders into clever songs with biting commentary. I don’t need to hear a moving speech. Give me well-played original songs with witty lyrics any day!
I, myself, even got a little bit musical last night. It was dark, cold, and rainy yesterday, so we didn’t go out and do anything other than the usual chores. I sent Bill out to start my car, because I haven’t driven it in ages and figured the battery could use a charge. Sure enough, it was dead, so he has to go get jumper cables today at good ‘ol AAFES. I went on Facebook and invited song requests. Quite a few people were takers. I was a little surprised by that. So I did a bunch of songs… not that any were as cute and clever as Eric Schwartz’s, but some I’m kind of proud of. Since it’s dark and rainy today too, maybe today will also be musical for me. Too bad I never learned how to play guitar. Maybe it’s time I learned.
Bill will be here a week, then he’ll leave again for another week. I hate this time of year. The weather is depressing and all I want to do is hibernate. But at least I have time to listen to songs by Eric Schwartz and the other brilliant musicians who share their original work on YouTube.
I think it’s harder to get noticed as a musician than it is as a writer. Lots of people are afraid to give musicians a chance if there’s a choice. Sure, if you hear someone busking on a street corner, you may stop to appreciate it or stick your fingers in your ears… Sticking my fingers in my ears was what I always did when my dad sang church choir solos. A lot of people loved his voice, but not me. Consequently, I’m kind of shy about public performances, even though they make me light up on the rare chances I can do them. I put my stuff on the Internet, so people have a choice. Most people choose not to listen, and I can’t blame them. I feel the same way they do, although there are times when I am pleasantly surprised by someone’s talent. Eric Schwartz is one who never fails to pleasantly surprise me.
By the way… last night, someone suggested I sing a song by The Ramones. I don’t know many songs by them, but hell… maybe sometime I’ll give it a whirl. I’ve been known to do Led Zeppelin and AC/DC when the mood strikes. I also like to write parodies sometimes… and fiction, although I quit doing that last year thanks to interference from people who think they know what’s in my head.
Anyway… I hope those of you who are still reading my blogs will give Eric Schwartz a couple of views, especially if you’re not a fan of Republican politics. You might just enjoy his biting wit and satirical turns as much as I do.
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