France, funny stories

“Shut your whore mouth, GPS…”

The featured photo is just over the border into Germany, where the GPS tried to lead us through a place we couldn’t go…

Bill and I are now home from our four night jaunt to extreme eastern France. We had a really nice break. The weather was surprisingly pleasant, if not a bit chilly and windy. Although we have been to Alsace a bunch of times over the past several years, this was our first time in the Soufflenheim area, which is kind of different from the areas where we have been in the past. I chose a great little hotel/Michelin starred restaurant, and the French, as promised, were much less obnoxious about COVID rules than the Germans have been… although while we were gone, some of the rules in Germany were either scrapped or relaxed.

I’m looking forward to writing up our trip on the travel blog. That poor thing has been limping along for months, as we’ve stayed close to home since we went to Croatia, Slovenia, and Austria a few months ago. I think, though, since the weather is improving, the days are getting longer, and the rules are relaxing, I will be able to write better travel posts in the coming weeks. That is, of course, if Putin doesn’t decide to nuke the world.

So what’s up with the title of today’s post? I’ve decided that I hate the GPS. On the rare occasions when I drive, I don’t tend to use it. I don’t like hearing the pack a day smoking voice the GPS always seems to use. I don’t like how it gives a bunch of directions, muting my music or interrupting conversations. Bill, on the other hand, loves using the GPS. Ever since he used a Tom Tom for the first time, back in 2007, he has relied on the GPS to tell him where to go. Sometimes he’ll use that in place of his own common sense. Personally, I often want to tell the GPS where to go.

Yesterday, as we were enjoying the French countryside, the GPS came on as Alison Krauss was introducing a song on her live album. Suddenly, I blurted out, “Shut your whore mouth, GPS!”

Bill cracked up. He knows I hate the GPS. It’s frustrating to try to have a conversation with him while that thing is going. He eventually set it to give fewer directions, not that it helped especially much.

This morning, as we were coming back to Germany, we were in a deep conversation when, just over the border, we ran into an “Umleitung” (detour). As Bill turned right, because he had to turn right, the GPS said in her mournful voice, “Make a U-turn if possible.” But it wasn’t possible.

Inexplicably, Bill continued to follow the GPS’s directions, instead of the street signs, and wound up right back where he came from. I got more agitated as the GPS kept telling him what to do, and giving him bad advice, since the GPS isn’t hooked up to the Internet and can’t offer up-to-the-minute directions. Bill needs to buy a chip for the car for the GPS to be able to give real time directions.

After a few more complaints, I managed to get Bill to turn off the GPS. He was surprisingly reluctant, though. “How will we find our way back?” he asked.

I had to laugh at that, since Bill has been driving for longer than I have.

“What the hell did you do before GPS systems were available?” I asked.

“I got out the map.” he said.

“You got out the map for every trip? Even the ones on interstates or Autobahns, where there are plenty of road signs? You’ve never just used your intuition?” I asked.

Bill had to admit that he did used to do things that way. But the GPS makes it so much easier… just follow along to what the smokey voiced woman says, and you’ll get where you need to go! Except for when she doesn’t have all of the information and leads you astray! Sometimes the human mind is better for problem solving than an automated machine is, don’t you think? Most humans can see with their eyes what’s going on. Machines can’t. On the other hand, machines don’t have cultural mores, subjective standards, or other people’s opinions to influence them.

I have an unusually good sense of direction. I always have been pretty good at finding my way around. It may come from having an Air Force navigator as a father. Consequently, I would take it as a challenge to get around using the GPS as seldom as possible. I also don’t like to be told what to do, even though I do appreciate the GPS when we’re somewhere completely foreign to us. I guess that’s one of the ways in which Bill and I differ.

At some point, I’m going to need to get a new car. It’ll probably have a built in GPS system. But if I know myself, I won’t use it when I drive. I don’t like interruptions when I listen to music or when I’m having a conversation. And sometimes, it’s cool to get lost for awhile. I’ve found some really interesting things that way. Getting lost is a great way to learn your way around a place, as long as you have the time to spare. We do have the time today, as the dogs can’t be picked up until after 6:00pm.

I’m reminded of how, back when I was doing my first social work internship, I had to use my own sense of direction to find my way to clients’ houses. It’s a wonder I was able, if I were to listen to my sweet husband. But sometimes, he’s a little too quick to do what other people tell him to do. Including the GPS system… she really does need to shut her whore mouth! Especially when Alison Krauss is speaking (or singing).

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complaints, silliness

A mildly exasperating day…

This morning, I woke up to find Bill looking crestfallen. He said he’d tried to play with Noyzi, who responded by submissive peeing on the rug. Noyzi is coming along nicely as he adjusts to life as a pet dog, but he still has some fear triggers. Two things that scare him are sudden loud noises and sudden quick movements, especially if they come from a man. Poor Bill is such a kind, gentle soul, but Noyzi is still afraid of him.

Then, Bill noticed that he had a package coming today… Belgian beer from Saveur-Biere, a Belgian company that stocks exotic beers for when we don’t want to drink another Hefeweizen or Pils. I waited around all morning for the delivery. I finally decided to chance a thirty minute walk at about 1:30 or so. The weather is very nice today. We have sunshine and mild temperatures.

Well… it happened to be about the time the kids were getting out of school, so there was more traffic and activity than usual. Then, when we got to the bottom of the hill, Arran decided to take a crap in someone’s flower bed. I had to clean that up as cars and people were going by. It was a messy job picking up the poop, so some of it got on my hand as we crossed the street, then Noyzi spooked at a lamp post.

After he recovered from that, he spooked again because someone raised their Rolladen and it made a loud squeak. He backpedaled quickly, and almost knocked me over. At that point, I was glad I put the harness on him. He’s doing a lot better on the leash than he was, but he still has his moments of panic.

So there I was juggling the two vastly different sized dogs and a bag of fresh dog crap. We encountered a lady at the bus stop, another lady standing on the narrow sidewalk, and a metal manhole cover that I always seem to hit. It makes a loud clank when I step on it and scares Noyzi.

As we were about to turn onto the pathway through the gardens, we ran into a chatty German woman who wanted to pet the dogs and had one of her own. Thankfully, her dog was super calm. Noyzi was great. He likes women. I was really glad she wasn’t a he.

We got back to the house, just in time to catch the DPD guy who had just delivered Bill’s beer to our landlords. So, after washing the shit off of my hand, I had to go over there and get it. The landlord was kind enough to carry it for me, since it was heavy. Then he said he had another package. I wasn’t expecting one, and it turned out to be for our other next door neighbor. It never fails! If I decide to risk a shower or a walk with the dogs, the delivery people always seem to show up!

Thinking I was done with distractions, I got in the shower. I had just washed my hair when the fucking doorbell rang. I dried off a bit and managed to see the DHL driver taking off. I guess he had a package for the neighbor, too. I’m not sure I even finished my shower.

Hopefully, I’m done with annoyances for today. Bill was supposed to work from home this afternoon, but he got some shit suddenly dumped on him at work. He was named as a point of contact, but no one warned him he would be. Hopefully, tonight he won’t come home without his wallet, like he did last night.

The featured photo is one I took of Arran this morning. He could tell Bill was sad about scaring Noyzi and needed reassurance that he’s still a great dog daddy.

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