love, Memes, silliness

Being a “vulgar” woman…

A few days ago, my friend Alex shared with me a post he found on the God page. It was about people taking some guy on Twitter, named Eric, to task for posting this…

For some reason, Alex thought of me when he saw this…

Not that I think Alex is offended by vulgarity… it’s just that he thought I’d appreciate people slamming this Eric guy for being such a judgmental asswipe. And, I would imagine Alex also identifies me as a “vulgar woman”. It’s true, I like to cuss. It’s something I’m really good at, despite my parents’ efforts to quash it. My dad, in particular, didn’t like cursing. I rarely heard him say anything stronger than “hell” or “damn”, despite his almost 22 years as an Air Force officer. My dad flew on missions in Vietnam that very likely resulted in people’s deaths, but God forbid if I ever said the word “fuck” in front of him (and I did on more than one occasion). He wouldn’t hesitate to knock me upside the head for that.

I remember often getting in trouble for having a potty mouth when I was growing up. I also remember being hired to work at a Presbyterian church camp and actually worrying about my vulgarity getting me into trouble. Little did I know that my boss was going to be a hilarious Scotsman who also cusses… even though he eventually became a minister and performed my wedding. Of course, now he’s left the ministry and converted to Catholicism.

Bill doesn’t cuss as much as I do, but he seems to enjoy my foul mouth. He likes it when I randomly burst into song, making up little ditties about dicks, vaginas, asses, and unusual sex positions. I always ask him what he sees in me whenever I fall down the rabbit hole of made up silly songs. He laughs and says he admires my ability to come up with weird shit on the fly. He appreciates my ability to let things fly… I think he kind of enjoys a vicarious satisfaction from it, because he’d like to be more that way himself, but is too buttoned up to let it all hang out. That’s probably also why he’s employed and I’m not. 😉

I’ll bet this guy is a barrel of laughs at parties.

Anyway, when Alex tagged me in that post, I laughed and typed “moi?” But I know why Alex thought of me. For some reason, a lot of my friends, especially the guys, have noticed that I’m kind of a vulgar woman. It used to bother me. Actually, it used to hurt my feelings when some dude would get disgusted and ask me if I “kiss my mother with that mouth.” Actually, yes, I have kissed her with “that mouth”. Why do people get so hung up on curse words? They’re only words! Another guy said I have a “potty mouth”. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to kiss my potty mouth… but the funny thing is, I actually find open mouth kissing rather disgusting, anyway. I’d be fine with never having some guy’s tongue in my mouth ever again. Yuck! I’ve actually never kissed Bill like that in almost 19 years of marriage.

Truth.

Personally, I prefer raw language to raw brutality. I think it’s healthier to “use my words” than use my fists. But I will acknowledge that language can be hurtful… People can use words to abuse others. But a lot of times, it’s all in good fun.

I wonder why Eric is so offended by the word “vagina”? There’s nothing wrong with that word. It’s the name of a body part. What would he have gynecologists do? Especially if they’re female? He probably objects to women being doctors, though… It sounds like he’d prefer a trophy wife who stays silent, gazes adoringly at him, and has no spirit or spunk… except maybe the spunk he shoots in her mouth. Yep… I would not be surprised if he was that type of guy– the Josh Duggars of the world– who preach about family values and decency, then behind closed doors, abuse women and children and treat them like objects.

I was gratified by my friend Andrew’s comment. His response was,

Jenny – please don’t ever change. Those who need to change are the ones who mistake a vibrantly expressive personality for vulgarity or vice.

Thank you, Andrew. I appreciate that very much. The older I get, the happier I am when I find people who appreciate me just the way I am.

I have just checked out Eric’s Twitter account. It’s very interesting. He’s supposedly in Minneapolis, Minnesota, but it also says he’s in Kenya. And his email address is a Kenyan account. In that case, I guess I can understand the misogyny and judgment. Not all of his advice is bad, either. But then he resorts to calling women “sluts”. That’s a shame. Also, he doesn’t like women who get angry and “throw tantrums”. I can only shake my head at some of this stuff. And, I suppose I would tell Eric what I tell everyone who doesn’t like me… he can go fuck himself. He’d probably enjoy it more. I’ll just keep being a “vulgar woman” and shocking people with my “loose morals”. Actually, I’m a pretty moral person who is the very opposite of a so-called “slut”. I just cuss like a sailor. I also drink like one.

Somehow, I managed to find a really nice husband as well as quite a few good male friends who appreciate my vulgar language and potty humor. So Eric and his ilk wouldn’t like me. So Eric and his ilk prefer a quiet, obedient, sober woman. I prefer guys who like a woman who’s a little crazy– a little, mind you. I am crazy in the fun ways, not in the destructive ways. I probably drink too much beer and wine. In fact, I know I do. But at least I’m not a smoker or a slut… or a thot– whatever the fuck that is. Actually, I just looked it up. A thot is a woman who has many casual sexual relationships. That’s definitely not me. Apparently, it stands for “that ho over there.”

At least she’s not cooking wienies.

There’s all kinds of commentary about this phenomenon on the Internet. Quite a lot of people are offended by “feminism” and the idea that women might like to make their own decisions. And the idea that she might curse who use indecent finger gestures is abhorrent to these folks. Tragically, some women agree with the men who have a problem with mouthy women… and they end up married to guys like Josh Duggar, pregnant and facing many years alone. Today’s women really need to learn how to say “fuck you”. They need to learn to be strong for themselves and their own survival. In fact, I think that’s truer now than it’s ever been.

Nah… I think this is a lie we don’t believe anymore.
Okay, Boomer.

I know my dad preferred the women in his life to be more ladylike. I probably wouldn’t have turned out that way, even if I weren’t rebelling against his authoritarian parenting style. I’m just not a prissy type. I don’t think growing up fundie would have caused me to be that way, either. It would have been an uphill battle. I think the men in the independent Baptist circles would be revolted by me. But that’s not a bad thing. Who wants to wind up married to some dickhead in the Baptist church who acts like a reprobate? I look at Anna Duggar. She ain’t married to a prize. Below is a post that came from the Duggar Family News snark group. The top part was on Reddit… the bottom part appears to be satire.

If being “dainty” and ladylike scores me this lifestyle, you can count me out.

I, on the other hand, am not very ladylike, but I have a husband who adores me for who I am… he cooks for me, takes me on dates, and cherishes me. He listens to what I say… he listens to me sing and doesn’t mind my laugh… and he doesn’t try to break my spirit by criticizing me for being who I am. Some men like “vulgar women”. I’ve found that the BEST men appreciate women who are a little earthy and weird. I think a man who tries to squash a woman’s true self is one I’d like to avoid. I don’t think Eric would like me at all… but that’s okay. I don’t like him, either. And he really should go fuck himself. It would be more likely to be sex with someone he loves.

Sing it, Lyle.

At my age, I figure I’m never going to change into a lady with a clean vocabulary. If I did, it wouldn’t be me. I pride myself on being authentic, even if it offends some people. As Bill’s ex says, “I can’t help how they feel.” I do try not to be offensive. Sometimes, I fail. But I think if the worst thing someone can say about me is that I’m outspoken and vulgar, I’m doing okay. At least I don’t plot violent crimes against Bill when he sleeps, right? Ex did… despite her cleaner language and “churchy” visage. No thanks. It’s not for me. I’ll keep cussing and drinking wine until it doesn’t work for me anymore. As Sinead O’Connor says, “How About I Be Me, (and You Be You)”. Good advice. Words to live by. Sinead is wiser than people know.

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Bill, musings

One night down…

I can’t think of anything earth shattering to write about this morning. I guess the one thing I can say is that I survived the first night of the first TDY in a year. This isn’t anything new for me. Over the past 18 years, I’ve spent a lot of nights alone. Bill has always had to travel for his job. This particular TDY is longer than most, though. He wont’ be back home until March is more than halfway done.

I think we’re both getting tired of these kinds of trips. I was very fortunate as an Army wife, though, since Bill’s one deployment was for just six months. Granted, he spent those six months with a narcissistic jerk of a boss who made his life a living hell, but he made it home in one piece and, more or less, mentally sound. Having grown up with a father who was tormented by PTSD after the Vietnam War, I am very grateful Bill isn’t similarly afflicted.

I probably wouldn’t be so bitchy about it this year if we hadn’t spent the last several months locked down. In previous years, we’ve been able to go on vacations or even just out to eat. Or we could plan something for the future. The current lockdown is set to expire on March 7, but Angela Merkel is talking about extending it even longer. People are getting PISSED, too. Businesses are suffering, and some are wondering how they will be able to keep afloat. Germans are generally very law abiding and cooperative, but even they have their limits.

Bill was allowed to travel because he’s on business. No doubt, the people who run the little hotel where he’s staying are happy for three weeks of revenue. However, Bill did tell me that last night, he had to wait for the proprietor to arrive and unlock the hotel. When Bill put on a mask, the guy shook his said it was “okay” because he’s already had COVID-19. Um… I’m not so sure that means he’s not still at risk. I did have a chuckle, though, since it just goes to show that even the notoriously anal retentive law abiders of Deutschland will still bend the rules sometimes.

Vaccine roll out has been extremely slow here, too. This is a rare time when I’m kind of glad to be American, because Bill and I will probably be able to get vaccinated sooner on post than we could on the economy. Bill has already told me he will be dragging me by the hair to get my shot… not that I would refuse it. One positive thing I got from being in the Peace Corps is that I don’t get too upset by needles, as long as no one tries to dig for a vein. I’m usually fine with shots.

Last night, I watched a live stream of Vince Gill and Lyle Lovett. I’m a big fan of both of these guys. I saw Vince play with the Eagles in 2019, and Lyle played Stuttgart in 2009 and we attended that show. It was a great show. Both Lyle and Vince were so normal and it was obvious to me that they’ve been friends a long time. I enjoyed the stories they shared and the songs, some of which were ones I hadn’t heard. Vince did one song that was a tribute to John Prine. I loved it. I don’t think he’s released it yet, but it was very witty and kind of poignant… the perfect tribute, really. John Prine was such a gifted songwriter.

I don’t play with quite this much style yet, but I’m getting better by the week.

What was especially cool, though, was the effect watching had on me. At the end of the streaming session, they played “If I Needed You” by Townes Van Zandt. Next thing I knew, I grabbed my guitar and joined them. I went to Chordify, figured out the easiest way to play (using a capo on the 6th or 8th frets), and played along. I did well enough that I might be ready to record it sometime soon. Maybe that will be my goal before Bill comes home next month. That, and finishing reading my latest book. It’s time for a fresh review.

Bill was sad to leave yesterday. I think Arran knew he was going. I got a few photos of them before Bill had to go. Yes, there were tears. Bill made me lunch before he went and had a few tears in his eyes before he kissed me goodbye. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a kind and loving man for my husband and life partner. But you can see why I really miss him when he’s not here. He’s the best. Arran sure loves him. Noyzi is slowly coming around.

I did tell Bill I hope he’ll do what he can to bolster his cybersecurity skills. He earned a second master’s degree in cybersecurity a few years ago, but he hasn’t had a chance to put it to use. It’s a hot field, and perhaps working in cybersecurity might help curb the lengthy separations that exercise planning requires. Granted, he’s in a niche field now, and has good job security, but there’s more to life than money. After 18 years of this, I think we’re both a bit tired.

Edited to add… I was inspired to make a video.

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Ex, narcissists

“All good”…

A little mood music for this post…

Ever hear that expression, “It’s all good“? People often say it when when they’re trying to put your mind at ease. Sometimes, they’re sincere. Sometimes, they’re really not, and they say “all good” with a hint of sarcasm. The first time I remember someone saying “all good” was about ten years ago, when Bill’s ex stepson was secretly planning to change his last name while he was taking child support from Bill.

Bill had never formally adopted his former stepson; his ex wife had simply gotten the boy’s name changed when he was a toddler. I’m not exactly sure if she actually did the name change legally. The story went that he had to reclaim his original surname because he was getting a passport so he could visit China as part of his college program. Apparently, it wasn’t totally clear which surname was the legal one… although I think Ex just wanted to punish Bill for not putting up with her latest bullshit. She was probably pissed because Bill wasn’t devastated when she suddenly got her son back in touch with his “crazy, abusive” bio father.

Bill, who had basically been the lad’s de facto dad, since Ex had pushed his real dad out of the picture, was paying him child support directly, even though he had never formally adopted him and legally, it wasn’t his responsibility. The “kid”, who was then 21 years old, was using Bill’s last name and taking his money, stockpiling it so he could go to China. Meanwhile, he was also racking up debt and smoking marijuana. I don’t actually have anything against marijuana, but I don’t think it’s something one should be buying when one has a lot of debt. Unless, of course, there’s a medical reason.

Anyway, in January 2009, I discovered what Bill’s ex stepson was doing quite by accident. At the time, I was hanging out on a messageboard for second wives and stepmothers and someone had shared a now defunct Web site called Criminalsearches.com. I was bored and curious, so I looked up Ex and her family. Sure enough, Ex, her husband, and Ex’s son from her first marriage all came up in the search, which also included the original source of the information. It was all publicly posted on an official Web site in Arizona. It was there that I discovered ex stepson had taken legal action to change his surname, but he had not had the decency to mention it to Bill.

So I told Bill, who confronted his former stepson. They had an emotional discussion about it. Bill told the lad that his decision to change his name was an adult choice and, as such, he should be financially independent. Bill gave him until Easter to prepare to handle his own financial affairs, but he told the boy that he wanted to know when the name change was final. Easter that year was in April, so the young man wrote back “It’s all good, Dad.” He had made it sound like he was “okay” with Bill’s decision to hold him accountable, but it was clear that he wasn’t.

Well… the name change was final in February 2009. The information was all on the official Web site where I had discovered his misdeeds in the first place. But ex stepson had not uttered a word about it to Bill. So Bill cut off his “child support”, which he had the ability to do, since Ex never filed with child support enforcement. She had some kind of issue with letting courts get involved in her divorces.

In retrospect, we probably should have exploited that fear more, since she was getting grossly overpaid and was never accountable for how she used the money. Seriously… Bill paid her $2550 a month for over ten years– $850 a month per child, one of which wasn’t even legally his! And yet, now that younger daughter is speaking to Bill, we hear stories of how she once had to give her mother her birthday money to buy diapers for Ex’s youngest daughter. We looked up how much child support the court would have awarded Ex and it turned out she was entitled to much less than what Bill was paying her. But I’m glad she did it the way she did, since it made things much simpler for Bill when he decided he’d been her financial flunky long enough.

Ex stepson was panicked at the loss of income. He sent Bill an angry email, demanding “timely payments” of his child support. Then, when Bill explained to him that he’d best not bite the hand that was feeding him, ex stepson became pathetic and begged for one last $500 payment because he’d wrecked the car Bill had given him free and clear. He wrote in his email that if Bill would just give him $500, he would never “bother” him again. I remember how disappointed and sad Bill was that his “son” was treating him like all that mattered was the money.

It wasn’t about the money at all. It was about respect, and the total lack of it the young man had for Bill, who had been his “Dad” for so long in the absence of his biological father. And, this is not really a slam on his bio dad, because Bill says ex stepson’s bio father had tried to stay involved and faithfully paid support at first. But just as she had with Bill, Ex made it impossible for her first husband to be a real father to his son. It wasn’t until she decided to punish Bill for standing up to her that Ex finally let her son, by then an adult, contact his father and resume their relationship.

I have no idea if ex stepson talks to his bio dad now. He was still speaking to Bill when they had their first meeting. Ex stepson had described it as a Darth Vader moment. It was eerie for him to finally meet his father again after so many years. I think Bill’s younger daughter had a similar experience a couple of years ago when she Skyped with Bill the first time. But ex stepson has not spoken to Bill since 2009, after it was clear the gravy train had met its end. It was hard for Bill at first, because he had loved the young man like a son. But then he realized that he was never the lad’s father and that ex stepson never should have been denied access to his kin. And we have heard that ex stepson has matured and isn’t such a selfish jerk anymore. Who knows? Maybe someday they will speak again and it really will be “all good”.

I need to see Lyle Lovett again. He’s my spirit animal.

I remember that ex stepson blamed me for this. He wrote Bill an email that vaguely accused me of “cutting off his money”. I never cut off the boy’s money. I didn’t have the power to do that. Instead, I was Bill’s advocate. I agreed with him that it was time to force that leech to fend for himself. I think it was ultimately the best parenting decision he could have made. Parents do their children a disservice when they don’t equip their children for taking care of themselves. I’d say it’s borderline abusive to constantly bail out adult children who get into trouble. How will they ever learn to be independent if someone is constantly fixing their mistakes for them?

There is a fine line between giving children too much responsibility and giving them too little. When I was growing up, I had to take care of a lot of my own needs– not so much financially, but in most other arenas. I was left to fend for myself a lot. I’m sure that ex stepson also had to fend for himself a lot. But his mother taught him that Bill was a resource to be abused and that he would take it, because he took her bullying and abuse for so many years. He now no longer takes as much crap as he used to. And maybe that’s my “fault”, since it’s partly my influence that led him to stand up to abusive bullies. Maybe that’s why some people dislike me.

I don’t need to be liked. I know I’m a good person, even if some people don’t see or appreciate it. It’s usually abusive creeps who have a problem with me. And if they don’t like me, it’s “all good”. Mess with me or my man and you’ll get the horns… 😉

🙂 I think if we ever redo our vows, we’ll use this song in the ceremony…
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songs

In spite of ourselves…

I think we may have found a new theme song…

John Prine rocks!

Yesterday was kind of a musical day. A few days ago, I was bored and asked some friends to recommend songs for me to sing. One of my friends recommended John Prine. I had heard of him and am very fond of singing his hit, “Angel From Montgomery”, although I usually do Bonnie Raitt’s version. I don’t know why, but I never really explored him more than that.

My friend wanted me to sing “Summer’s End”, but I couldn’t find appropriate accompaniment for it. She then recommended “Souvenirs”. I listened to it, loved it, and found it very easy to learn. Here’s my version. John Prine is a wonderful songwriter. I should have discovered him a long time ago.

Anyway… yesterday, I discovered Prine’s duet with Iris Dement. It’s funny, because I became an Iris Dement fan several years ago, but I would say John Prine is more famous than she is. I don’t think he could have chosen a better partner for this song. She has wonderfully quirky vocals that match his funny lyrics. I thought they were so funny that I had to learn it myself. Again, it was easy to do…

Here are the words:

She don’t like her eggs all runny
She thinks crossin’ her legs is funny
She looks down her nose at money
She gets it on like the Easter Bunny
She’s my baby, I’m her honey
I’m never gonna let her go

He ain’t got laid in a month of Sundays
Caught him once and he was sniffin’ my undies
He ain’t too sharp but he gets things done
Drinks his beer like it’s oxygen
He’s my baby, I’m his honey
I’m never gonna let him go

In spite of ourselves we’ll end up a-sittin’ on a rainbow
Against all odds, honey we’re the big door-prize
We’re gonna spite our noses right off of our faces
There won’t be nothin’ but big ol’ hearts dancin’ in our eyes

She thinks all my jokes are corny
Convict movies make her horny
She likes ketchup on her scrambled eggs
Swears like a sailor when she shaves her legs
She takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’
I’m never gonna let her go

In spite of ourselves we’ll end up a-sittin’ on a rainbow
Against all odds, honey we’re the big door-prize
We’re gonna spite our noses right off of our faces
There won’t be nothin’ but big ol’ hearts dancin’ in our eyes

When Bill and I got married, I was kind of hooked on an old Lyle Lovett song. I would have loved to have played it at our reception. You probably know which one, if you know Lyle Lovett…

It’s me…

But now, after sixteen years of marriage, I think the John Prine duet is more our style. I haven’t caught Bill sniffin’ my undies yet, though. If I ever do, I might have to write a song about that myself.

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