It’s a rainy Sunday morning here in Germany. Bill is getting ready to leave for another TDY trip to Bavaria. I’m sitting here contemplating how I’m going to fill the next ten days or so. I’m hoping to be in the mood to make some music, since we’re going to go on a trip and I’ll be AFK for awhile. Not that anybody notices when I don’t post YouTube videos… but since I’ve been posting regularly lately, I’d like to keep doing that, for as long as I’m able. I enjoy making the videos, and some people seem to like them.
I’ve also started reading Britney Spears’ book, and I expect I’ll cruise through it rather quickly. I’m not a Britney fan, in terms of her music or movies. I think she’s talented, though, and she has an interesting story. I can’t say she’s a great writer, but no one can be good at everything, right? Anyway, I look forward to writing a review of her book, The Woman in Me. I have a lot of sympathy for her. I grew up with an alcoholic father, too.
I was sorry to hear about the passing of Richard Moll, who played Bull Shannon on Night Court in the 80s. He was 80 years old, though, so it’s not like his death was tragic. I almost renamed Noyzi after Bull… they are somewhat similar in nature. I decided not to, because Noyzi had already been through so much in his life, and he knows his name so well.
I woke this morning to read about Matthew Perry’s sudden death. I do think his passing is tragic; however, after reading and reviewing his memoir last December, I’m not at all surprised that he’s dead. He had some very serious drug and alcohol problems that led to devastating health issues. I know the news reported that it looks like he drowned, but I suspect he had some kind of catastrophic medical event that caused the drowning. It’s just too bad that he was apparently alone when it happened, so there was no one who could even try to help him. I’m sure we’ll learn more about what happened in the coming days. He was much too young to die. Maybe it’s time I watched Friends. I never did when it was popular. His book was just released on November 1, 2022. Less than a year later, he’s dead. 🙁
In my review of Perry’s book, I wrote this as my final paragraph. I pretty much called it, didn’t I?
I’m glad that Perry knows he has a problem and is working on fixing it. I’m even happier to know that he realizes what excessive drug and alcohol use has cost him, on so many levels– from girlfriends (or potential wives, which he’s said he’s always wanted), to the chance to have children, to millions of dollars of his money, to his health. I understand that he has an illness, and that being an addict doesn’t inherently make him a bad person, even if it can cause him to act in ways that are disappointing, dangerous, or deranged. I feel empathy for him… but I think I feel even more for those who love him. And I wouldn’t call this book a triumph, either, because he hasn’t been sober for very long, at this writing. So we’ll see what happens. I do wish him the best, and I hope this time, sobriety works for him. Otherwise, he could be among the celebrity deaths we’ll read about in 2023 or 2024…
Kinda eerie, right?
Moving on… about today’s post title…
Back in 1988, the world was introduced to Nine Inch Nails courtesy of the album, Pretty Hate Machine. I didn’t discover this album myself until I was a college freshman in 1990. I ended up really liking it. There was a song on there that especially resonated, especially when I was feeling depressed. The song is called “Something I Can Never Have.”
Below are the lyrics…
I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head ’til I don’t want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then, I couldn’t do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on and tell me!
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have
Source: Musixmatch
Was Trent Reznor singing about another person? Or was he singing about himself? I read on SongMeanings.com that the song was about an ex girlfriend, but I can see how it could also be a song about himself. I can’t say that as a young woman, I had too much unrequited love. I did have some crushes, but it’s not like I had boyfriends. Even the guys I crushed on weren’t people I had super deep feelings for. Still, this song resonated with me. Maybe it was the melody, which is haunting and serious. Maybe it’s the way Trent sings the song, with angry emotion and profound disappointment.
That’s how I felt about myself a lot of the time, when I was really young. Nowadays, I don’t feel quite that terrible. I haven’t felt that terrible since before I took Wellbutrin and got my brain chemicals sorted. I still experience depression, but not like I used to– and I don’t cry as much as I used to. I do get angry, though, and sometimes I feel disappointed, even though I have a pretty nice life.
I reflect on Matthew Perry’s life and death. He was a man who was very blessed– lots of talent, money, good looks, success, friends, Friends, and beautiful women in his life. But he also endured his share of bad times and crises, and he was an addict. I don’t know what drove his need to keep abusing substances, nor do I know if he was sober when he died yesterday. But there was something deep inside of him that drove him to numb himself with substances– to extreme levels. He was supposedly sober last year, when he released his book. I’d be interested in knowing if he was sober this year, too. It just goes to show you that sometimes even people who appear to be hugely blessed can be tragically alone… as Perry apparently was when his assumed accidental drowning happened.
I was inspired to write this post by something dumb Ex posted on Twitter. Someone had posted a picture of Outlander actor, Sam Heughan, under an umbrella at the beach on a sunny day. I don’t watch Outlander myself, and I don’t care a whit about Sam Heughan. But Ex is a super fan, and she follows a bunch of people on Twitter who are also fans. Sometimes, she comments on the crap they post.
The person who shared the photo of Sam Heughan wrote, “I wonder who’s holding the camera? Or is it any of my business? Not really!” and hashtagged the actor. And Ex, in her usual dipshit way, posted this:

I was curious about the concept of Freudenfreude, since I had never heard of it before today. I thought maybe it was something she had fabricated. But, no… actually, there is such a thing as Freudenfreude. The New York Times even wrote an article about it last year. Somehow, I missed this stunning piece of journalism, even though I’m a longtime subscriber. Not surprisingly, Freudenfreude is the opposite of Schadenfreude, which is the unexpected happiness at the misfortune of others. Freudenfreude means finding pleasure in other people’s successes and good fortune.
Ex doesn’t have an altruistic or generous bone in her body. She just posts this crap for all the strangers she hopes to impress on social media. If Ex were the type of person who could experience Freudenfreude, she would never have abused and neglected her family members the way she has. My husband would not have literal and figurative scars from his time with her. My husband’s daughter would not have nightmares about having to deal with her mother.
This shit is just a facade Ex puts out there, complete with an @ or a hashtag, to prop up her image to the unaware. She’s always got feelers out for new victims who can give her the fuel she craves. This is what narcissists do, and Ex, I strongly believe, is a narcissist. She draws people in with love bombing, tries to get them under control, then inevitably discards them when they can’t fulfill her endless needs. After she discards them, she blames them for everything that went wrong.
I do indulge in an ironic laugh, though, thinking about Ex being “happy” for Sam Heughan, having something she can never have. I’m sure whenever she thinks about the men of her past– especially Bill– she might relate to a song like “Something I Can Never Have”. And when she can’t have something, she paints it black. Ex could have had a really nice life with Bill, if she weren’t a narcissist. But, I guess she can’t help it… nor can she hide what’s inside.
I also know that even if she had what Sam has, it would never be enough for her. Just like everything Matthew Perry had wasn’t enough for him… although I don’t know if Perry was a narcissist. He was definitely an addict, though, and addicts have some similarities to narcissists. But addicts can be rehabilitated if they’re willing… narcissists, I fear, can’t be rehabilitated.
So even if Ex someday has the chance to sit under a yellow umbrella at the beach, with money, fame, and plenty of adoring fans, she’ll still covet whatever else she thinks might possibly fill her empty soul. Like any addict, she always wants more.
I don’t believe Ex is capable of “Freudenfreude”, but I do think that if she spent less time reading about gimmicky psychobabble concepts and tweeting at celebrities, and more time working to pay off her debts and improve her finances, she might get closer to living the dream. It will never happen, though. So I guess she’s doomed to gaze with envy at people who have something she can never have. I’m definitely not buying her claim of reveling in Heughan’s success. Not that it matters.
Anyway, time to wrap up this post. Gotta see if we can carve jack o’lanterns before Bill goes off to Bavaria again. Have a nice Sunday.
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