Tag Archives: money

complaints, condescending twatbags, narcissists, scams

Apparently, she’s playing social worker now…

The featured photo was taken May 10, 2002… the day I earned dual master’s degrees in social work and public health. Fair warning about this post… it’s probably going to come across as rude and offensive to some readers, because I’m “processing” again. Read with caution after the first two paragraphs. 😉

I am a little disappointed in myself today. It’s already almost 11:00 AM and I’m still sitting here in my nightie, listening to an old Conway Twitty song, and typing a blog post. I had such big plans for the holiday weekend. There are so many places around Wiesbaden that we haven’t yet explored. But we’re not doing that right now, because while we were having breakfast, Bill complained about how “shaggy” his hair is. And looking at it, I had to agree, his look was missing a certain sharpness. It had been awhile since his last haircut. I can cut his hair, but I don’t do as good of a job as the barber does.

So Bill went off to get a trim, and I’ve been migrating more music to my newer computer. I’ve been a bit surprised this morning. I had no idea how much Ella Fitzgerald I had in my collection– well over 700 songs! Ella was born in Newport News, Virginia, which is right next to where I was born, in Hampton, Virginia. I think that’s kind of cool. She was such a wonderful singer. I can’t say she’s one of my idols, but I sure do admire her a lot.

So anyway, it’s been awhile since I last upbraided my husband’s ex wife. She’s been pretty quiet lately, and I’ve had other things on my mind. I was actually thinking that maybe she decided to get off social media, but nope. She’s back on Twitter. And I couldn’t help but notice that, once again, she’s showing off her false persona to the masses. This time, she’s acting like a social worker.

Someone on Twitter was lamenting about being 45 years old and having to take care of both of her aging parents. The original poster shared a photo of herself looking really tired, yet still quite beautiful. She posted that she was having to take care of mother’s most intimate needs and is now exhausted.

Ex, in her attempt to fool everyone with her fake caring facade, posted this…

You absolutely must get home health care immediately or you will lose your sanity from lack of proper rest. I know you love them… but you cannot be their o my caregiver. Medicaid is another option to get assistance. Check with your local area agency and they can help, too! (she ended her advice with a couple of heart smilies)

All I can do is shake my head at this shit. Last year, she tried to get my husband’s stepmother to move in with her. I know she’s “hosted” her mother and her husband’s mother, too. And she has a “severely autistic” son, as well as two more “children” she claims are autistic and need her. Ex’s youngest child, by the way, will be 17 years old this year. But she doesn’t actually take care of any of these folks. It’s left to her adult daughters, especially to include older daughter, who will be 32 years old this year and still lives with Ex. She takes care of her brother. I get the impression that Ex just sits on her ass and watches Outlander.

Granted, I’m not there to see this in person. However, I have a pretty good idea of what goes on, because for years, I’ve heard about it from very reliable sources. I think Ex has a lot of nerve playing social worker/advocate to people on Twitter, when she doesn’t do fuck all for her own family! She just pays lip service about being there for her family. It’s a facade, and one that she only trots out to strangers. The people who actually live with her never see this kind, loving, wise side. She just tells them to figure everything out for themselves and then does her best to sabotage them and hinder their progress.

I probably wouldn’t be writing about this today, except we were reminded once again of how Ex insisted that she was the better parent and knew best… and yet my husband’s younger daughter had to find her own way to college out west. Younger daughter left home with two suitcases and nothing else. No money, no dishes of her own, no sheets for the bed… NOTHING. And if not for the intervention of a kind family from her church, she would not have been able to move out on her own. The way younger daughter tells it, the family arranged this without her input. They saw she had a need and fulfilled it. She never even asked them for that help. The fact that the family did that for her, tells me that Ex was acting in an obviously dysfunctional way in public.

Ex didn’t even want younger daughter to get a job when she was in her late teens. She did nothing to teach her about how to find work and make her own money. Instead, Ex made younger daughter get a GED, take online college courses for the financial aid (the excess of which she ripped off for herself and left younger daughter to repay), and never taught her the first thing about the world of paid employment. Learning how to earn money for one’s self is a basic life skill. Ex failed to teach it. And younger daughter frequently worked for free, doing babysitting and other jobs.

I remember back in 2006, Bill paid child support for Ex’s eldest son, who is her first husband’s child. He was an adult at the time– 18 years old. Ex was the one who had drawn up the divorce papers, and she had put in the language about Bill paying support until the kids were 22 years old, unless they met certain conditions. He paid for former stepson, but then it later became clear that the young man was just using Bill for money. Bill had planned to pay support for his daughters, too, but Ex– having seen how her son moved out with the money Bill was paying him directly– realized that would give her daughters too much autonomy. And she also knew Bill would not pay her directly anymore, once the kids were over 18. So she made it impossible for Bill to contact them, and then did her damnedest to clip their wings.

I can only sit here and shake my head in awe at younger daughter’s incredible resilience. She is a very kind and thoughtful person, and she obviously impressed people, because some folks from her church in New England helped her by “hiring” her to be a nanny in Utah. They paid for her to go on vacation with them and help with their kids– and the end of their vacation ended at just about the time school out west started. The church angels gave her some money, wished her luck, and friends helped her get from Utah to Idaho, where her college was. The whole thing was basically a ruse to free her from Ex’s clutches, so she could go to college.

Younger daughter showed up at her school with nothing to set her up for success. EX DIDN’T DO A GODDAMNED THING FOR HER OWN DAUGHTER! And she wouldn’t let Bill do anything for younger daughter, either. By that point, Ex had quit communicating with Bill and was doing her best to obliterate him from his daughters’ memories. Bill would have been there in person to buy things like sheets, dishes, and school supplies. Now, here Ex is on Twitter, playing the part of a kindly social worker for strangers, advising them on elder care and Medicaid. What complete bullshit!

I know some people will read this objectively and think Bill is at fault, too. And I wouldn’t necessarily blame them for coming to that conclusion. I wish to God Bill had never met her, let alone married and procreated with her. I wish I had been his first and only wife. I would have done so much better by his daughters. I wish we could have taken her to court and insisted on a change in custody when they were kids.

But the circumstances at the time made it seem impossible. There was no money for lawyers, nor the ability to take time off work to go to court. What sucks even more about this is that people tend to think that the parent who has custody is the better parent. It ain’t necessarily so. Bill absolutely would have been a better parent to his daughters than Ex was, because he has the capacity to love, and he genuinely cares about them. Ex only cares about herself.

I’m just glad that at least younger daughter will talk to Bill now. I’m glad he can help her now. Wish her older sister would get out on her own instead of giving her best years to her mother, doing the household chores, and taking care of Ex’s youngest kid.

It blows my mind that Ex feels so free offering kindly advice to people on Twitter, when she won’t even help her own children take care of their most basic needs. She didn’t even teach them the most basic life skills, like how to earn money. Like it or not, people need money to live. But Ex didn’t want her kids to have money, because money equals power… including the power to walk away. Thank God there were good people in the LDS church (which was another one of Ex’s ideas) who saw what was happening and were moved to help younger daughter.

This is narcissism. Ex could be the poster child for it.

I just needed to get that out. Maybe it’s not appropriate for me to be writing about this, but it really does gall me, and this is how I process it. I truly don’t care if what I write is embarrassing to Ex. Abusers thrive in secrecy. I suppose some of Ex’s egregious bullshit is down to legitimate mental illness. However, I think she knows very well that her conduct is wrong… because she doesn’t show the ugly side of herself to the masses. Her public persona is not what the people closest to her see.

You know, I realize that I’m not the most likable person myself, but at least what you see is what you get. I would not blame younger daughter for being extremely bitter, and yet she somehow manages to stay kind and genuinely caring. She’s like Bill in so many ways.

Sigh… rant over. I probably should go read my latest book for some new subject matter. If you managed to read this and maintain some objectivity, thank you for putting forth the effort. I appreciate it.

For you, Ex. Because your daughter is way too kind to do it.

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money, psychology, scams, true crime, videos, YouTube

Sleazy PayPal scammers and phishers are running amok!

Featured photo is PayPal’s logo, which is in the public domain.

Good morning, knotty crew. After a day of reflection, I’m back with some new content. In the past 24 hours, I see there’s been yet another mass shooting. And the anti-abortion wars continue to rage in my homeland, putting more and more women at risk. I could write about either of those topics today. I could have written about them yesterday, too. I just don’t want to… I need a break from both of those subjects.

So… today, I wish to air a grievance I have regarding PayPal scammers and phishers. Now… to my knowledge, I have not yet actually been victimized by these criminals. However, I have to admit, their tactics are becoming scarier, as they now send their fraudulent emails from what appears to be an actual PayPal address. Yesterday, I got three emails from these fuckers. I reported all three, not that it will do any good.

I knew this email was bullshit, because I rarely use PayPal to pay for things. Also, while I think Bill might have an Acer computer, I am a confirmed Apple user. I never would have bought anything like this. But the biggest clue that this email is fake is that it doesn’t address me by name. It comes from a site I’ve never heard of, and would never use. Obviously, the folks who are sending this shit are hoping people will panic and call them, so they can try to talk the victims into allowing them to remotely install keystroke trackers and wipe out their money.

I don’t keep money in my PayPal account, but I know some people use it as a sort of bank. I mainly only use PayPal when I can’t use my credit cards, which are US issued. Sometimes European vendors can’t accept them or don’t allow for me to enter my US billing address. PayPal comes in handy in those situations. I almost never receive money through PayPal.

I usually just trash these emails as a matter of course, but yesterday, I decided to look carefully at the sender’s address. I was surprised to see that it came from a legitimate PayPal address. And, unlike other phishing emails, this one didn’t have any obvious tip offs that it was fake. There weren’t any glaring misspellings or design flaws that would arouse suspicion in the savvy. It also came to the email address I use for my PayPal dealings.

I logged into my PayPal account and checked my recent transactions, just to make sure there weren’t any pending charges. I was relieved to find that there wasn’t any recent activity indicating that something was amiss. Other people who have reported about this particular email scam have said that they did find invoices pending in their accounts. Some of them panicked, called the fake call center, and got taken to the cleaners.

Even though I knew the emails I got were fake, I decided to do some cursory research to see what the Internet was reporting about this scam. I found quite a few articles from cybersecurity firms explaining these surprisingly realistic looking phishing attempts. The open invitation to call a phone number to cancel the transaction is a big clue. Why would PayPal openly admit that the invoice might be fake, and actually INVITE people to call them? It doesn’t exactly promote confidence in their product.

Some reporters wrote that when they called the number, it was answered on the first ring. The person who answered was clearly not in a call center in California, as they could hear traffic and people in the background. The person also had a very strong accent that indicated that English wasn’t their first language, although granted, a lot of companies do have call centers abroad. But mainly, the fact that the phone was answered on the first ring was a major red flag. PayPal never answers on the first ring.

It’s infuriating that these crooks are using legitimate businesses to perpetrate their crimes. PayPal allows users to invoice each other, which is why these creeps can take advantage of the official email address. The fact that the emails come from PayPal make it pretty much a sure bet that the emails will get through the spam filters. Even though I know I didn’t buy an Acer computer through PayPal, there are other people out there who aren’t that astute. A lot of people have been victimized through these scams, which only encourages the lowlifes to continue their criminal activities.

So what is a person to do if they get one of these emails? Frankly, I say if you know you didn’t buy anything, just send the email to the round file. Check your PayPal account, and if there is anything in your transaction history that shouldn’t be there and you feel you must speak to someone about it, call PayPal using a number on the actual Web site. Do NOT call the number on the email, which will probably be answered by scammers in a fake call center. Do NOT pay any invoice that you don’t recognize. Remember that an invoice is just a request for money. You don’t have to pay for things you never bought.

Always examine the emails very carefully before you take action. Look for clues that any PayPal emails you receive are fake, like misspellings, poor grammar, or graphics that aren’t quite right. If the email doesn’t address you by name, it’s probably fake. I shouldn’t have to state this, but don’t click on any links in a suspicious email. And again– don’t call the phone number, unless you just want to fuck with the scammers. I realize that some people do enjoy that kind of thing, but the whole point of these scam emails is to get you to call so they can talk you into downloading their remote viewing software. Sure, they’d like it if you just paid the invoice, but that’s not their goal. They want your information so they can clean out your bank account and rip off your identity.

If you want more information about this, have a look at YouTube. Lots of people have made videos and some have actually gone much further than I’d bother/dare to, just so they can show you exactly what the scammers do.

British barrister bares all about the PayPal invoice scam.
Another video about this “new” PayPal scam…
Another video… this one lamenting what the world is coming to… I like the way he describes the psychology of this scam, but I don’t like the way he ended the video with loud music as he continued speaking. However I do agree with him when he rhetorically asks why these scammers don’t get real jobs?

I just now decided to change my PayPal password, just to be safe. Interestingly enough, it was easy to do that on my computer. However, when I tried doing it with my iPad, I had to go through a total rigamarole, to include answering security questions that weren’t very clear, and entering a security code sent to my alternate email address. Even after going through two or three checks, there was still another. I finally clicked off the page and tried the password I so easily changed on my computer. It worked.

Of the three videos, I think the second one is probably the best. The third one is probably the most entertaining. The first one is especially good if you like bald Brits. And below is an entertaining video featuring a guy who enjoys scamming the scammers.

Bwahahahaha… I love these kinds of videos.

Anyway, I didn’t fall for the scam. I hope you won’t either.

In other news…

Bill and I are in the preliminary stages of planning our big vacation. I’m not sure where we’re going yet, but I do know it’ll be in June.

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Biden, money, narcissists, politicians, politics, Trump

Some people only care about an extra $40…

And before I get too cranked up with this post, allow me to add, I do understand that for some people, that extra $40 really does make a difference. I’ve been broke myself. I know that when you don’t make a lot of money, what seems like a piddly amount to people who are better off can be very significant. However… sometimes, people really can’t see the forest for the trees.

A few days ago, Donald Trump got indicted following an investigation into a hush money payment scheme. I know that there was a lot of speculation as this occurrence approached. People wondered how Trump’s most rabid supporters would react. So far, it doesn’t seem like people have gone too nuts yet. Honestly, I think a lot of Trump’s supporters have been quietly shutting the F up, because they’re finally seeing the man for the repulsive creep he is. But a few folks still haven’t gotten the picture.

A friend of mine who teaches school in North Carolina has made no secret of how she feels about Trump. Like me, she can’t stand him. And she was celebrating his indictment on her Facebook page. Most of her friends were celebrating with her, but you know… there’s always one in EVERY crowd.

A male friend of hers bitterly posted this. “Hillary and the rest are next.”

He also added sulky comments to people who were making fun of Trump, insisting that Joe Biden is SO MUCH WORSE! He started his own comment thread on my friend’s post, writing this: “I can’t believe there are people this dumb still out there.”

It was obvious this guy was in a confrontational mood and needed to talk about his dismay. He’s still stubbornly clinging to lies, and can’t seem to join us in the sunlight of reality. My friend is a very compassionate person, so she finally addressed her butt hurt friend. She wrote:

“I know, right? Some people actually still support him. Unbelievable for sure!”

Obviously, that was not the response Mr. Butt Hurt was hoping for, so he responded in three comments that I have consolidated:

“…some people support this idiot we have now with dementia. Definitely unbelievable. …hey. But he’s good at making up new words. …and I also suppose you support a President that cheats on his wife in the White House.”

It’s really not cool for people to unofficially diagnose others with dementia. That’s not a laughing matter. When I see people casually saying that Biden has dementia, it automatically makes me think that they’re shitty people. But that’s just my own opinion.

My friend reasonably explained, “has nothing to do with support or lack thereof for any other politicians. It’s about this lifelong bully finally facing some consequences for his actions.”

And then comes Mr. Butt Hurt again with this comment… “best economy we had in a long time.” and this follow on, “have you ever heard Biden speak. He’s just as bullish.”

First off, I don’t think “bullish” is the same as “bully”. Secondly, I’d be pretty leery of a “great economy” created at the hands of an obvious con artist and fraudster. To me, that’s just common sense. Even if the money generated during Trump’s brief time in the White House was legitimate, I know it couldn’t and wouldn’t last. Why? Because Donald Trump isn’t interested in seeing YOU become richer and more powerful. He wants EVERYTHING for himself!

So, even if you temporarily get that extra $40 in your paycheck that helps you fill your gas tank so you can get to your second job, it won’t last. Eventually, and gradually (or as gradual as he can afford to be, as he inexorably ages, and gets closer to a plot in the family graveyard), Trump will be claiming what’s yours and mine. That’s what narcissists do. What’s his is his, and what’s yours is also his. Anyone who has spent time around narcissists knows this. And unlike Biden’s so-called “dementia”, Trump’s narcissism is extremely obvious.

My compassionate friend wrote, “did you not read what I just posted? This is not about Biden or Hillary or Clinton or any other politician.”

And Mr. Butt Hurt responded: “you just don’t like Trump. I don’t have to like someone to know when they were doing a good job. I didn’t like Trump the person. But I sure as hell liked this economy and gas prices when he was in there!”

Then, he added “is this economy better? If you say yes, you have to quit watching CNN and the View.”

Again… I strongly suspect that those byproducts of Trump’s seagull leadership style were temporary and not genuine. Because if Trump had won a second stint in the White House, what would be his motivation for keeping the economy strong? He’d have four more years as a “lame duck” president to do whatever the fuck he wanted and work on changing the laws so he could stay in power. I know Trump famously stated that the White House is a “dump”, but he sure loved the power that came from being the commander in chief. And to guys like him, that power is so hard to give up. It’s like a heroin addict trying to go straight.

As for the second comment… well, isn’t that typical of some of the Trump supporters, assuming that people who don’t like Trump are people who watch CNN and and The View? God forbid they realize that people can come to these conclusions without being spoon fed by the media. Some of us are reading and observing, rather than watching daytime TV or mainstream news. However, in spite of my just typing what I typed, I’ll bet Mr. Butt Hurt is a Fox News fan.

I finally couldn’t take it anymore, so I commented: “It’s too bad money is all that matters to some people.”

And I know… when you have no money, that extra $40 can make you feel “rich”. I don’t think Mr. Butt Hurt is in the category of voters who really needs an extra $40, but his response to me was this…

“well it is nice to be able to buy things.”

Now THAT is a very interesting response indeed. It pretty much sums things up nicely, doesn’t it? He’s more concerned about being able to “buy things” than having a respectable, decent, law abiding person serving as a world leader. He uses his ability to buy things as a gauge as to whether or not a president has done a “good job.” I’ll bet Mr. Butt Hurt is against abortion, too, and blames “irresponsible, slutty” women for the situation they find themselves in when they “get themselves pregnant”. And, in case it’s not obvious, the quote marks mean that that is not my actual view. Mr. Butt Hurt wants to be able to buy his new garden hose with ease… or remodel his deck.

Who cares about people who are rounded up by ICE and separated from their families for weeks? Why worry about people who are marginalized because of who they love, how they identify themselves, or how they dress? Why concern oneself with cronyism, obvious lying, cheating, and stealing, thug like behavior, alienating of our allies, and pandering to wannabe world dictators like Vladimir Putin? Trump will sell us out to the highest bidder and reap all of the profits. He’d love to be the king of the United States, with all of his supporters doing his bidding to make us look like a backwater banana republic. And he’d love to have a harem of beautiful women he can kiss and grab by the pussy at will. This is the type of unhinged, depraved individual that Trump is. Many of us can finally see it, but some folks are still clinging to that extra $40 and $1.89 gas, and the futile hope of their quick return.

Now, I’m not saying the Democrats don’t have their problems. I think there are a lot of dirty people in politics. And I am not saying Joe Biden is the best president we’ve ever had. Our stock portfolio has taken a hit, too. And I’m not even saying that Biden doesn’t have his own issues with invading people’s spaces. In fact, just this morning, I see in my Facebook memories from 2019 that people were speaking out about his penchant for “Eskimo kisses”. I agree– unwanted physical touching isn’t okay, particularly when it can be construed as sexual. BUT… I find it hard to get too outraged over Eskimo kisses when Trump has a long history of actually molesting women AND bragging about it! To me, not having a man like that as my leader is worth not having that extra $40… or, in the case of our stock portfolio, that extra $15k or so.

There are certain minimum standards that I think we should expect in a world leader of a modern, powerful nation. For instance, a leader should be level headed, intelligent, and fair minded. A leader should be law abiding. A leader should be able to stop themselves from saying things that are inflammatory or defamatory. And a leader should be able to keep his hands to himself. Hell… I’d just like to have a leader who seems to have learned the basic decorum we all learn in kindergarten. I’m sorry to say, Donald Trump demonstrates very few of those skills. When I look at him or listen to him speak, all I hear is “Mine, MINE, MINE!!!”

And when I read comments from people like Mr. Butt Hurt, I hear someone who admires that in a president, just so they can “buy things”. To hell with any other concerns the rest of us might have.

 

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money

The latest, lowdown methods of grifting from friends and relatives…

Well, here we are, folks… the last week before Christmas. I’m amazed by how quickly the year has flown by. I’ve probably helped a few retailers make their sales goals this year. Last night, our neighbor hosted an outdoor gathering in her driveway, passing out Gluhwein for people in our cul-de-sac. It was really fun, except Arran threw a fit because he’s become so averse to being separated from us, even if we’re just outside the house.

As we were enjoying hot mulled wine, I realized that I hate my five year old parka. I’d been toying with the idea of buying a new one, but the one I liked was very expensive. I bought my current parka from Eddie Bauer some years ago, when we still lived near Stuttgart, and I needed it more. I never bothered to replace it, because it doesn’t often get that cold up here. This past week has been an exception. So, after getting pretty cold last night, we said goodnight to our neighbors and went into our house, where I promptly ordered a new parka from Woolrich. Woolrich used to be an American company, but it got sold a few years ago. Now, most of its physical stores are in Europe, and the US only has a few. I found a coat that, for me, was very expensive, but wasn’t anywhere near the most expensive parka on the site.

I felt a slight twinge as I put in my order, as it wasn’t so long ago that we were climbing out of what seemed to be insurmountable debt. But then I realized that I currently have plenty of money to pay the credit card bill. In fact, even if I’d chosen the most expensive parka on the site, I’d have more than enough money to pay for it. And it’s time I got a new coat. Bill really needs one, too. Maybe after Christmas, he’ll pull the trigger. I think he’s been wearing his coat for about ten years.

We’re still feeling the effects of having once been “poor”. When Bill and I first got married, we had little money. He was recovering from divorcing Ex, and the horrifying financial situations that resulted from that marriage. I was just out of graduate school, for which I’d taken out federal student loans. We both also had credit card debt, and Bill had child support to pay. Thankfully, our cars were mostly paid for. Still, there were months when we had just a few dollars in the bank before payday. I remember when Bill used to freak out when we’d spend $100 at the grocery store. And now, he doesn’t bat an eye when I spend $900 on a new coat.

Bill and I have worked very hard and diligently to secure our finances. From 2007 until 2014, we gradually chipped away from our debts. Then we moved to Germany, lived in a relatively inexpensive house, and Bill started getting military retirement pay, along with a salary. We knocked out our debts as quickly as possible. When we moved to Germany, I still owed about $40,000 on my student loans (originally about $57,000 for all three degrees), in spite of paying more than the minimum for years. But for the four years we lived in Stuttgart, we kept throwing money at that debt until it was finally gone, nine years ahead of time. I was shocked we were able to do that. I certainly wasn’t expecting it when we moved here.

We both know that the future is uncertain, and even though we’re now in a good place, there could be “rainy days” ahead. So I squirrel away money every month, and make a concerted effort to pay off debt as soon as possible. It’s a GREAT feeling to no longer owe anyone… especially Nelnet, the student loan servicer that bought my loans just a few months before I finished paying them off.

Yesterday, it became very obvious, yet again, that I am very different from Ex. I have an eye toward the future. Ex, on the other hand, lives in the present. And while I’m not sure exactly what is going on with her right now, I strongly suspect that she’s about to be a “free agent” again. Why do I suspect this? First off, she’s been making comments about her marriage on Twitter. She’s tweeted a couple of quips to the actors on The Outlander on how their characters’ examples could “save” her marriage. Secondly, she approached Bill’s stepmother for financial help, asked her to give her items that she might want to “pass down”, and even suggested that she move in with her in New Hampshire. We know that Ex has “hosted” other seniors in her house– her late mother (whom she apparently despised) and #3’s mother have both lived with her. Bill’s stepmom owns a home and has retirement income. Ex would no doubt love to get her hands on that money/equity. And now, something new has come to light…

Yesterday, Bill heard from his younger daughter, who told him that older daughter has now enrolled in graduate school. Older daughter is 31 years old and still lives with Ex. She doesn’t have a job, but spends her time taking care of her severely autistic younger brother. Ex doesn’t have a job, either, and in a recent crowdfunding plea, mentioned that she lives in a “one paycheck” household. It’s no doubt earned by #3, who gets paid by the hour.

Now… I happen to know that student loans can be a temporary lifesaver in terms of living expenses. When I was a graduate student, I got federal loans. I was also a graduate assistant for all but one semester of my time in school. Being a G.A. drastically knocked my tuition costs down, which allowed me to pay rent and other bills with my loans. I also had a part time job, and got paid a very small stipend for being a G.A. It was a Godsend to have that assistantship. If I hadn’t had it, I don’t know how I would have survived, since I was an out of state student. I probably would have had to become a South Carolina resident. I also would have needed private loans.

Older daughter went to a private college for her bachelor’s degree. Younger daughter has told us that both she and older daughter went to college, and Ex would siphon the extra money from their student loans into the household… and her many impulses to buy junk on the Internet, food that would rot in the fridge, or anything else that struck her fancy and might “fill the void”. Younger daughter eventually dropped out of college and paid back her loans. Older daughter, on the other hand, seems to be following her mother’s lead.

The program older daughter is pursuing actually sounds very interesting. I don’t know how employable she’ll be at the end of it, or even if she intends to find employment. Ex supposedly got a graduate degree, but she doesn’t use it. She has claimed that her loans have been “paid off”. My guess is that she used money from her children’s loans to take care of that debt, if, in fact, she’s being truthful about paying off her loans. We also happen to know that Ex doesn’t have a great record of paying off debts. She has declared bankruptcy more than once.

Last night, Bill looked up the program older daughter is studying. We don’t know which school she’s attending, but the one closest to where she lives is at a private university, takes about three years to complete, and costs about $75,000 (total, not per year). But it does offer a “low residency” option, which means she can do a lot of it online, which will suit Ex just fine. Ex doesn’t care if older daughter actually finishes the degree, after all. She just wants the influx of loan money to keep her going. And she definitely needs older daughter around to take care of Ex’s son… and do the housework. Younger daughter has said that her older sister struggles in school. She has dyslexia, doesn’t drive much, and has other challenges that make school difficult for her. So there’s a good chance that this stab at higher education may do nothing more than plunge her further into debt.

Now… none of this is any of my business. And, for all I know, this could turn out to be a great thing for older daughter. Maybe she’ll meet someone special in school… either a love interest, or a mentor who can help her escape Ex’s clutches. Maybe she’ll succeed beyond her wildest dreams. She legitimately is a very talented artist, and this graduate program would use those talents. But… I have my doubts about this plan, and since I’m not LDS, I don’t subscribe to the “doubt your doubts” mindset. Common sense is telling me that this graduate school plan is likely going to explode in their faces. Or, it will not be so good for older daughter, anyway… since the loans it will take to pay for school will be in her name, not Ex’s. Student loans, by and large, can’t be discharged in a bankruptcy.

I was fortunate in that all of my loans were Stafford or Perkins. When I got out of school in 2002, I took advantage of a very low fixed interest rate of about 3% and consolidated all of my loans at that rate. I see that currently, Stafford loans for graduate students is at 6.54%. I’m pretty sure older daughter still has loans to repay, although COVID has stalled payments and Joe Biden has been trying to give students a break. She wouldn’t have to pay on any government loans when she’s in school, although I have no idea if she took out any private loans to fund her undergrad education. I know from personal experience that even with a low interest rate, paying back big loans is onerous. And even if she just gets government loans, it’s going to be hard to retire that debt.

Now that I think about it… I kind of wonder if Ex has taken out life insurance on anyone in her sphere… Seriously, I wouldn’t put it past her. Well, it’s not my problem. But it’s sure sad to observe. I hope it works out for older daughter. And I wish Ex would get the karma she so richly deserves.

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family, money, musings, work

Repost: You’ll never make more than minimum wage…

Here’s a repost from January 16, 2016. I am reposting it because it sort of relates to today’s fresh content, right down to my sharing of Ron Block’s beautiful song, “Someone”.

Today’s post is going to be some personal, self-indulgent, introspective drivel that may not interest everyone…  apologies in advance.

Yesterday, a guy I used to work with who is now a Facebook friend posted a tribute to a retired Air Force colonel who recently died.  The colonel, whose name was Luke, had been a manager at the restaurant in Williamsburg, Virginia where my friend and I used to work.  I never knew Luke, but I heard many stories about him.  He was one of those people who became legendary everywhere he went. 

My friend’s tribute to Luke was very moving and inspiring.  Luke knew my friend when he was very young and broke.  He stood up for my friend when others were against him.  He helped him become who he is today.  Luke was a few years younger than my dad and may have even run in the same circles with him a time or two.  He retired from the Air Force six years after my dad did; but he was a full colonel, while my dad retired as a lieutenant colonel.

The restaurant where my friend and I used to work was notorious in Williamsburg.  It had a great reputation as a place to eat, and a horrible reputation as a place to work.  The chef, who was also one of the owners, was rather famous because he’d been on television and written a lot of cookbooks.  He was also a Marine.  Having worked in his restaurant, I definitely picked up the military style that was used there to keep things running.  That didn’t mean there wasn’t chaos from time to time.  In fact, when I worked at that restaurant, my life felt like it was totally chaotic.  I was suffering from depression and anxiety and felt like I’d never amount to anything.  At that time, I was also living with my parents.  I was in my mid 20s and had a college degree and international work experience.  But I still felt like a big loser and was unable to find work that would help me launch. 

I remember the day in March 1998 that I decided to apply to work at that restaurant.  I’d had a huge fight with my father.  He told me he thought I was a very arrogant person and that I’d never succeed at anything in life.  He said, “You’ll never make more than minimum wage!”  At the same time, he and my mother were putting tremendous pressure on me to move out on my own.  I was paralyzed by depression and anxiety at the time, and their demands made me feel panicky, helpless, and hopeless.  I was also very angry about a lot of things, particularly that my parents seemed to be ashamed of me and didn’t seem to recognize that I really was trying to become a full fledged adult.

Immediately prior to working at the restaurant, I had been temping at the College of William & Mary.  I was there for several weeks, working in their admissions office, as well as several other places on campus.  I spent the longest time at the admissions office, where I filed away report cards, SAT scores, personal essays, and all of the other stuff hopeful high school kids sent with their bids to achieve admittance.  Having worked in the admissions office and in other places around the campus, I could see why people wanted to go there.  It’s an excellent and prestigious school.  Looking at all the stellar academic records and flawless personal statements written by potential students, I felt a bit sad for myself.  I was a college graduate working as a temp, filing endless reams of papers.  It was mind numbing work that didn’t pay well.

My sister is a William & Mary graduate.  She’s done very well for herself.  They never would have accepted me.  I didn’t measure up to my sister’s greatness, although I do have some things in common with her.  We are both returned Peace Corps Volunteers; we both have advanced degrees in public health; and we both worked at that same restaurant in Williamsburg.  She worked there when it first opened, and I worked there eighteen years later, when I decided I would make more than minimum wage and get on with my life. 

I remember being very determined on that day in March when I applied for the job at the restaurant.  It was my first time waiting tables, though I had worked with food in other capacities.  I had even been a cook.  I enjoyed working with food and thought I could be successful.  It also wasn’t lost on me that the skills one learns waiting tables can be applied to many of life’s trials.

As I sat for the interview, I thought of my dad and how pissed off he made me… and how much I wanted to get out from under his thumb.  It was my second attempt at getting a job at that restaurant.  I didn’t mention my initial unsuccessful attempt to the captain or the manager who interviewed me.  I knew if I got hired, I’d make money and be able to get away from my dad and his belittling comments.  I would someday prove myself.  I set my mind to it and got the job.  I’m still friends with the man who hired me.

Working at that restaurant was one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  It was even harder than being a Peace Corps Volunteer.  The work itself was very demanding and stressful.  It was physically and mentally challenging.  I remember coming in every day, when I first started working there, and feeling like I was going to throw up.  I lost a lot of weight and learned how to wait tables.  I made good money.  I was also sick a lot during those 18 months.  I saw a lot of people quit and a lot of people get fired.  I was incompetent as hell at first and worried that I, too, would get fired.  One time, I accidentally spilled beer on a customer.  My dad sneered when he heard about it and asked if I still had a job.  I did.  I learned that if you were reliable, worked hard, and were honest, you wouldn’t get fired.  And eventually, I became competent and even good at the job.   

I was promoted a couple of times and made enough money to cover all my bills.  Living with my parents allowed me to save up for the next step I needed to take.  I sought help for the anxiety and depression I had been suffering from my whole life.  That process, too, was very difficult for me.  I came to some tough realizations about people I cared about and trusted.  After a brush with insanity and suicidal ideation, I finally felt a lot better and made the decision to go back to school. I took the GRE and applied to graduate school and was accepted.  I haven’t had to look back.  It was my final escape from Gloucester County after several dramatic attempts, one of which being my decision to join the Peace Corps.

Going back to school was a life changing experience for me… as much as the Peace Corps was.  But, I have to admit, working at that restaurant with people who knew and loved Luke, was equally earth shattering in the grand scheme of things.  I never knew Luke, but seventeen years after quitting, I am still friends with many of the people I knew in the late 90s when I was working at that job.  I have read their tributes and comments about Luke.  I can see that they all think of him as a comrade or even family…  Maybe they even think of me that way.  I hated the job when I was doing it, but now I’m honored to be in that group of people.  We were the ones who didn’t quit and had achieved some success.

This morning over breakfast, I was talking to Bill about all this stuff on my mind.  I remembered how my dad had told me I’d never make more than minimum wage and would ultimately amount to nothing.  Back then, that comment was devastating to me.  I was in my 20s, and unsure of what to do with my life.  I felt like I was really struggling, even though others surely struggled more than I ever have.  I kept doing all of these things that I thought would help me succeed, yet nothing seemed to lead anywhere.  But now I think of my friend who wrote the tribute to Luke; he actually slept outside a couple of nights because he lived far so away from the restaurant and had to take buses to and from work.  He’d missed the last one and couldn’t afford a motel.  He did what he had to do to succeed in the job and survived.  Now he’s thriving, living in Washington, DC and enjoying what appears to be a very good life.

Thanks to my parents, I never had to sleep outside.  But I felt like I was never going to launch.  Now, I look back on what my dad said and realize that he had no reason to be ashamed of me.  While I may not be the highest achieving person on the planet, I’ve done alright.  And I have made more than minimum wage more than once.  Maybe I didn’t end up being as successful and awesome as my sisters have, but at least I found someone to love, who loves me back.  I haven’t done anything really shameful or embarrassing.  In fact, aside from being overeducated and too fat for my Dad’s tastes, I’m even living an enviable life.  Maybe that was part of his problem with me.  Maybe he felt like I didn’t deserve what I have.  He probably thought I wasn’t living up to his idea of what my potential was… or maybe he was just projecting some of his psychic shit on me.  Who knows? 

Anyway, though I can’t say working at that restaurant was a whole lot of fun most of the time, I did learn a lot and met some fine people.  The skills I picked up have served me well in life.  In fact, I’d say in many significant ways, I ended up rather rich.  Reading my friend’s tribute to Luke made me realize something important.  Ripple effects can be positive.  Luke inspired and influenced my friend and my friend, in turn, inspired and influenced me.  I’d say that’s worth as much or more than minimum wage.  And I don’t have to be “someone” to be worthwhile.

This isn’t the way I feel about my dad, but it is kind of how I feel about success…  This song is called “Someone”.  It’s by Ron Block, a musician who has earned my admiration and gratitude.  The words are very wise and meaningful to me.  I think this song could be a theme for my life. (And at the time I wrote this post, Ron hadn’t shared a video of “Someone”, so I made one myself.)

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