Tag Archives: Mormonism

LDS, modern problems, narcissists, religion, social media, true crime, videos, YouTube

Monetizing kids for better living through YouTube!

Today’s featured photo is a screenshot of Ruby Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt on YouTube.

A good Thursday morning to you all… One more day before Mr. Bill comes home and tells me about his TDY days in Bavaria. I’ve been passing the time in the usual way, reading a book, watching a lot of YouTube videos, and scanning social media. One person who is all over the news this week, besides Donald Trump of course, is a Utah woman named Ruby Franke. Ruby Franke is yet another now disgraced former YouTube star.

A few years ago, I might have been all over 41 year old Ruby, who ran a now defunct channel called 8 Passengers. Ruby is a mother of six and an evidently devoted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Like a lot of church going folks, Ruby decided to turn her large family into YouTube (or reality TV) fame. She’s now in deep trouble, because although people had been trying to sound the alarm for years about her parenting methods, this week two of her children were discovered malnourished, with one asking neighbors for food and water. There was also evidence that at least one of the children had evidence of having been restrained with duct tape and rope. Ruby Franke, separated from her husband, Kevin, is now being charged with six felony counts of child abuse. Four of her six children have been removed from her custody.

I should mention that Ruby’s business partner, Jodi Hildebrandt, has also been arrested on suspicion of aggravated child abuse. Hildebrandt also has a rather checkered past in Utah, according to some sources who are coming out now. She and Ruby started another YouTube channel called ConneXions, which is also now defunct. However, Jodi’s ConneXions Web site is still live at this writing. Hildebrandt was a mental health therapist in Utah, but had her license suspended in 2012 after violating client confidentiality by disclosing the client’s alleged “porn addiction” to LDS church leaders. If you know anything about Mormonism, you know that looking at pornography and engaging in masturbation is a big “no no”.

Ruby talking about her daughter in diapers “stinking”… I’m really glad I never discovered this channel when it was still active. Yuck.

I’ve seen Ruby’s face all over the place this week. She’s an attractive woman, with a nice, wholesome image. She has a good figure, a pretty face, and dresses modestly. Her kids, from what I’ve seen, always look clean and are dressed well in the photos I’ve seen of them. And yet, her twelve year old son– the one who asked for help from neighbors– is malnourished. He was found with duct tape on his arms and legs. He was one of Ruby’s projects– she put him and his siblings out there on YouTube to rack up views and income as she dispensed some highly questionable parenting tips.

YouTuber kyeluh talks about how awful and disturbing Ruby’s content was before she finally got busted.

As I mentioned up post, I would have probably been all over this story a few years ago, before Bill and his younger daughter reconnected. It’s no secret that I’m no fan of Mormonism, or really most strict religions. But Mormonism happened to affect us more than the other religions did, so I specifically focused a lot on that faith. Of course, Mormons certainly don’t corner the market on abuse. But a lot of people in strict religions use God as a reason to be strict and abusive, especially toward those who have less power in those communities… that is, children, and often women.

These days, I’m somewhat less interested in upbraiding the Mormons. I still don’t like the belief system, but I find myself grateful that some people in the church were willing and able to help Bill’s daughter get away from her mother. On the other hand, Ex used Mormonism as a means of controlling her husbands and kids, and as a source of shame. I don’t respect the church for that, because the religion aided her in her parental alienation goals. She used its teachings as a means of separating her children from their fathers and other people in the family who threatened her.

I don’t know a whole lot about Ruby Franke yet, but I suspect the church had a lot to do with her bad decisions. Everything from that whitewashed, clean cut, “wholesome” image, to the decision to have six kids, to the decision to put them on YouTube as an example of people living clean, “godly” lifestyles… it can all be traced to man made religions that impress upon people that image is important, and can be monetized. People lap up their examples, which is evidenced by ratings, merchandise sales, advertising, and views. The money comes and fame grows, with everyone smiling and happy… until the truth comes out and people are exposed for being frauds.

Religion can also lead people to have some pretty warped ideas about life, too. Especially when a person already has a mental illness. I look at child murderer Lori Vallow Daybell for confirmation on that notion. Lori Vallow Daybell was recently convicted and sentenced to life in prison for murdering two of her three children and her husband’s first wife, Tammy Daybell. Like Franke, Lori Vallow Daybell is LDS, and had some really whacked out conspiracy theories about the “end times”. Her ideas were shaped, in part, by books written by her fifth husband, Chad Daybell, who wrote about the end times, and perhaps by significant mental health issues.

My post title singles out YouTube for this “monetizing kids” phenomenon, but I really should include reality TV as well. For years, we’ve watched people like Jon and Kate Gosselin, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, and Barry and Kim Plath put their large families on TV for fun and profit. All three of these families are very large, and two of them profess to be deeply religious. Of the three families who made it big on TLC, only Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar remain “happily” married, although they certainly have some serious problems going on now. Two of their daughters have written books against the IBLP belief system they were raised in, and we all know where Josh Duggar is right now. Barry and Kim Plath announced that they were divorcing last year, and Jon and Kate Gosselin famously split up years ago.

Life is expensive, especially in the United States. It’s hard for people to make ends meet in the traditional way. Just now, for instance, I’m reading a book about a woman who graduated from Juilliard and found herself unemployable. She turned to escort work to pay her bills, also dabbling in phone sex. Her book is interesting, so far. At times it’s even funny. I’m sure there were times when she didn’t laugh, she’d have to cry. Personally, I find her decision to turn to being an escort kind of sad. I will probably be finished with the book very soon and will elaborate more when I review it. I mainly find it sad, though, because she felt the need to resort to that work to get out of debt. I didn’t get the sense that she, at least initially, really wanted to be a sex worker because it was something she enjoyed doing. She simply wanted to keep the bill collectors at bay. But at least in doing that work, she was only exploiting herself– an independently functioning adult who can consent and realize the risks. Kids on YouTube videos are often not being given a choice in whether or not they want to perform on camera.

I have no doubt that having a lot of kids– especially when your image conscious religious beliefs encourage it– is challenging on many levels. First, there’s the prospect of having that many children and raising them properly. Then there’s the prospect of being able to financially support that many children. I think in the Duggars’ case, having more children was actually a source of income. They got paid whenever anyone got pregnant and gave birth on camera! And then there’s the prospect of being arrested for doing something “wrong”.

I don’t know how today’s parents manage, to be honest. I think of my own upbringing and realize that my parents probably would have been reported to CPS a bunch of times in today’s world. We expect children to be supervised 24/7 until they’re pretty mature, but we also expect parents to support their children. Child care costs a bundle– sometimes more than a job pays. So, if you have an attractive family, and some kind of compelling “hook”, why not go on YouTube or reality TV to make some money? I’m sure Ruby Franke is now discovering why that idea may not have been a good one… Her own videos are providing a lot of evidence against her.

Yesterday, I was watching a video about Ruby Franke and someone mentioned that her case reminded them of the Turpin Family in California. I’m not sure Ruby’s case is quite that severe, at this point. She doesn’t have as many kids, and from what I understand, they weren’t living in complete filth, with no access to the outside world whatsoever. Ruby Franke’s children were seen on video, at least, and her eldest child, 20 year old Shari, is in college. She had enough freedom to be able to repeatedly call CPS on her mother, although they did nothing about her reports until just now. The Turpin kids didn’t have that much freedom, even though some of them were well into adulthood when they were finally liberated. There are some similarities, though.

Discussion about Ruby Franke and her family…

I’m sure someone will write a book about Ruby Franke and her family. And I’m sure I’ll probably read it, if I’m capable. Cases like hers are difficult, as in the United States, many people have this idea that parents should have a lot of freedom in how they raise their children. On the other hand, how child abuse cases are handled has a lot to do with the jurisdiction and local politics. Also, a lot depends on how well funded and staffed protection agencies are. In some areas, the standard for what is considered child abuse is set very high. All I know is that, at this point, it sounds like people tried to speak up about Ruby Franke, and no one took the alarms seriously… until her son was found malnourished and wearing duct tape. Malnourishment doesn’t just happen overnight, so it looks like the alleged abuse has been going on for some time now.

Anyway, I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled for what happens in Ruby Franke’s case. Maybe I’ll write more about it, although one of the main reasons I’m just addressing it today is because so many people are already covering Ruby Franke. I was actually trying to avoid finding out about it, but YouTube is loaded with people talking about Ruby Franke, such that I keep seeing her face everywhere. So, I guess that’s a sign I should write about Ruby, too…

Well, I have to do the dreaded vacuum chore today, practice guitar, and walk Noyzi, so I guess I’ll end today’s post. I hope you have a good day… and that your weather is as perfect as Germany’s is right now. <3

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celebrities, family, mental health, poor judgment, psychology, teen help

Currently reading Paris Hilton’s book about her horrific adolescence…

A few days ago, I finished reading Don’t Think, Dear, which was about ballet. When I was finished reading, I went searching through my huge queue of books to be read, bumping quite a lot of them to the top of the list. Then, I remembered that Paris Hilton wrote a memoir that I downloaded some time ago.

I remembered being excited to download the book, Paris: The Memoir, when I first heard about it. It’s not because I’m a Paris Hilton fan… or, maybe I should say I wasn’t one before I started reading her story. I have to admit, though. She’s won me over somewhat. I’ll know for sure if she’s really turned me into a booster very soon, as I’m cruising through her book pretty speedily.

I’m not going to get into the specifics of the book yet, because I plan to review it. However, I do want to state that one of the reasons I admire Paris Hilton is that she’s speaking out against the “teen help/troubled teen” industry, which has been one of my “pet projects” for over twenty years. I also admire her because she’s managed to forgive her parents for signing her up for horrific and repeated abuse, for which they paid top dollar. If my parents had done that to me, I don’t think I would be interested in speaking to them ever again.

I’ve read a number of books about the so-called “teen help” experience. Many of the people who have written about being locked up in boarding schools/boot camps are just regular folks. However, famous people have also written books about being sent away for “help” when they were teenagers. I read Drew Barrymore’s book, Little Girl Lost, years ago, about her stay in a rehab in California. I read Long Way Home, Cameron Douglas’s book about his drug addiction and being sent away to Provo Canyon School, which is one of the places Paris Hilton was sent.

Some schools and hospitals truly are lifesaving. To be fair, Drew Barrymore and Cameron Douglas were both seriously addicted to dangerous drugs. I seem to remember Drew was completely out of control by the time she was thirteen years old. I recall seeing photos of her at age nine or so, completely bombed out of her mind at a party. And I know that Cameron Douglas has spent time in prison because of his issues with drugs.

On the other hand, there have been plenty of books written by people who weren’t addicted to drugs or doing dangerous things that put their health at risk. Saving Alex, which is about a “non-famous” person, is the story about a young lesbian woman who was raised Mormon. Her parents couldn’t abide her “same sex attraction”, so they sent her away to be “straightened out”. Troubled is a book written about several people who were sent away to teen boot camps to be rehabilitated.

In so many of these stories, including Paris Hilton’s, there are allegations of severe child abuse and, in some sad cases, even deaths. The teen help industry has been a cash cow for decades. It was a largely unregulated business, allowing the owners of the schools to collect big bucks to further screw up already troubled teenagers.

In Paris Hilton’s case, she alleges being tortured– beaten up, sexually abused, and verbally abused by so-called staff members and other “students”. When she tried to tell her parents, they refused to believe her, and signed her up for even worse “treatment”. It wasn’t until she threatened to go to the press the moment she turned 18 that her parents finally relented. What is very sad to me is that it only took the threat of Paris Hilton outing her parents to the press is what got them to stop paying people to abuse their daughter. It dawns on me now that Paris Hilton could have metaphorically clicked her heels three times to go home again… all she had to do is threaten to out her parents for abdicating their responsibilities and sending Paris away to literally be tortured by strangers!

One of the things Paris Hilton had to endure as part of her “troubled teen” experience was the dreaded “body cavity search”. Paris didn’t know what that was before it happened to her for the first time. I remember how I found out what they were… It was when I watched Police Academy II, back in the 1980s…

This scene is presented as comedy, but when it happens to you– as a teen, no less- it’s not funny at all.

Paris Hilton describes what it was like for her to have her most personal and private parts of her body explored by sadistic “nurses” at the “schools” she attended. She was a teenager and a virgin at the time. I remember what it was like for me when I had my first exam. It was extremely traumatizing for me, so much so, that I’ve only had it done on one other occasion in my lifetime. The doctor who did my first exam wasn’t actually trying to hurt me, although that is what happened. I think she just didn’t care if she hurt me– which isn’t the same as being sadistic. In Paris’s case, it sounds like the people who were looking for contraband through a humiliating body cavity search were actively trying to be cruel to her.

When I read about the multiple violations of Paris’s body and soul, it made my heart go out to her, and it made me ANGRY at the people who allowed this scenario to occur. When you think about it, this whole situation came down to money. Paris was “out of control”, so her parents sent her away to be “fixed”. She writes that they thought she was okay, because they were paying “top dollar”. The school was extorting huge sums of money for the privilege of abusing a minor. And when Paris finally whispered to her father that if they didn’t take her home, she’d go straight to the press when she turned 18, all of a sudden, they were ready to spring her from the joint! How disgusting!

Like I said… I do understand that parents who have teens who are out of control are in a tough situation. Sometimes it is appropriate for teenagers to be sent to facilities where they can get professional help. But those facilities should be licensed and regulated, and the people who use them should never be locked in filthy rooms, forced to eat disgusting food, physically abused and threatened, compelled to listen to religious or political dogma, or worked/exercised until they collapse! Paris Hilton spent time in Provo Canyon School which, she writes, was staffed mostly by Mormons who went to Brigham Young University. It wouldn’t surprise me if she wasn’t exposed to religious abuse, too, knowing what I know about the LDS church.

Back in the mid 2000s, Paris Hilton had a terrible reputation. A lot of it was based on her reality show with Nicole Richie, and the fact that there was a sex tape out there about her. She’s pretty and blonde, and people have assumed she’s just a bimbo with no heart or soul. Reading her book, and watching the movie about her life (“This is Paris”, available on YouTube) has shown me that there’s a lot more to her than meets the eye. She’s doing important work, and she deserves massive respect for speaking out about her experiences.

The official documentary about Paris Hilton…

I should be done reading the book within the next day or so, and then I will be posting a review. Suffice to say that my opinion of Paris Hilton has completely changed in recent years. She may not be someone I’d ever be besties with, but she’s definitely no dummy. And no matter what, she shouldn’t have had two years of her life wasted in snakepit “teen rehab” schools that are almost entirely about incarcerating challenging teenagers until they turn 18 and are no longer their parents’ legal responsibilities. Those types of schools are not doing good work when they have their staffers abuse people whose brains are still developing. Once they get out into the world as “independent adults”, they become the rest of the world’s problems.

Anyway, that’s my rant for today… time to practice my guitar and think about happier things.

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LDS, Netflix, true crime

Repost: Let’s talk about Toni Fratto and Kody Cree Patten…

I’m having a terrible time coming up with a fresh topic today. I’m in the middle of reading a new book about the Kennedy family, and I just don’t have the stomach to cover what I’ve been reading about regarding politics. Every time I read a new headline about the Republican party, I feel more outraged. But I’ve already written so much about the current “hot button” issues, and I just don’t feel up to it today.

So, instead of writing something fresh, I’m going to repost this true crime piece I wrote October 19, 2018. It got a lot of hits on the original blog, so I know people were, at one time, interested in the case of Toni Fratto and Kody Cree Patten. I also remember that my take was a bit controversial with those in the know, so I will add the original comments.

If you choose to comment on this piece, please be civil, and please remember, most of it was written about five years ago. If it seems “wrong” or out of date, it may be because of that.

I was inspired by my recent reintroduction to Netflix yesterday and wound up spending a few hours binge watching a show called Deadly Women.  I had seen it before, although the cases presented in the shows I watched yesterday were new to me.  It always kind of amuses me that the narrators they use on shows about salacious crimes involving murder always sound like they’re oversexed or something.  They also have “experts” who comment.  One woman who is consistently featured on the shows has striking blue eyes and dark hair.  She is a former FBI profiler.  But she always sounds like she’s scandalized by some of the stories she analyzes.

So anyway, one of the episodes I watched involved a young Mormon woman from Nevada named Toni Fratto.  Fratto’s religion wasn’t mentioned in the episode, but apparently, she was a very devout believer and Patten eventually converted to Mormonism so they could eventually marry in the temple.  Patten even moved into Fratto’s family’s house after a particularly nasty fight with his father.  Fratto’s family evidently felt they could help straighten out Patten and keep an eye on their daughter, who had informed them that she intended to marry Patten.

I found out about Fratto’s faith when I got curious and looked her up online.  The British tabloid Daily Mail ran a story about Fratto’s sensational crime.  In April 2012, Fratto and her boyfriend, Kody Cree Patten, were sentenced to prison for murdering Patten’s friend, 16 year old Micaela “Mickey” Costanzo.  Fratto and Patten brutally murdered Costanzo on March 3, 2011.

A story about this tragic and horrifying case.

As I was watching this show about Fratto and Patten, I was reminded of a somewhat similar situation that occurred in the 1990s.  In 1995, David Graham and Diane Zamora were a Texas high school power couple with plans to attend military service academies and embark on high powered military careers.  But then the two of them decided to commit murder one night.  They killed 16 year old Adrianne Jones because Diane was extremely jealous of the pretty teen.  She thought Adrianne was a romantic rival, particularly since David had told Diane that he’d had sex with Adrianne.  When Diane found out that her boyfriend had cheated, she became enraged and felt compelled to kill Adrianne.  She asked David to carry out the task and sadly, he obliged.

Fratto’s case was somewhat similar, except she and Patten weren’t necessarily a “power couple” in the making.  Patten was apparently a troublemaker, while Fratto had apparently led a fairly quiet life.  On the show, she was described and portrayed as “homely”.  Patten had grown up with Costanzo; she was one of his “buddies”.  According to Deadly Women, Fratto had become irrationally jealous of Mickey Costanzo.  

Wow… she sounds pretty out of touch with reality here.
Anderson Cooper talks to Toni Fratto.
What a terrible, tragic case…

Although Patten’s and Costanzo’s relationship had been platonic, Fratto was extremely insecure about the attention Patten paid to his friend, who was pretty, athletic, and described as “promising”.  Mickey Costanzo also had a boyfriend, though Fratto was convinced that she was going to ruin her relationship with Patten.  Despite Costanzo’s promises that she wasn’t interested in Patten romantically, Fratto refused to believe her, and continued to insult and threaten the girl.  Fratto had repeatedly confronted Costanzo, telling her to “stay away” from her man, Kody Patten.  Costanzo then decided she wanted nothing more to do with Patten, which apparently enraged him.  

And yet, even though she was repeatedly harassing Costanzo about her friendship with Patten, Fratto had never been in trouble with the law.  She had no criminal record when she and Patten kidnapped Costanzo, took her to the desert, beat her over the head with a shovel, and buried her in a shallow grave. 

While Diane Zamora appears to have masterminded Adrianne Jones’ murder and David Graham had simply gone along with the idea, I think in this case, it was more Patten who got the idea to kill than Fratto.  It appears that Patten got a charge out of playing on Fratto’s insecurities.  He would deliberately set up situations that he knew would upset Fratto and cause her to react.  Patten had a history of being a troublemaker, while Fratto was more of a “sheep”– this was actually how her attorney described her.  Given what I know about Mormonism, I can see where that tendency would originate.  

I even remember in 2014, watching BYU TV and hearing a Relief Society president giving a talk during that year’s spring General Conference.  She was telling a disturbing anecdote about a farmer who had to train one of his ewes not to stray.  The ewe would wander off from the herd by herself.  So he tied the ewe to a stake until she learned not to stray.  Then, once he freed her from the stake, the farmer had to coax her to move around again.  The ewe had become submissive and compliant, and the Relief Society president’s message was that church members needed to be taught the same lesson.  

With messages like that coming from a place of authority, I can see why Fratto might have been talked into helping her boyfriend commit murder.  That’s not to say that I think all Mormons are “sheep”.  It’s more to say that the religion does train people to be followers.  I think in some cases, women are especially conditioned to follow the direction of their men, and that tendency can be exacerbated by untreated mental illness.  Fratto apparently didn’t have a lot of experience with men and, for whatever reason, really thought she loved Patten.  Later, she said that Patten had abused and controlled her throughout their relationship and she feared that if she didn’t help Patten kill Costanzo, she would be murdered herself.  So instead of doing the right thing, she sat on Costanzo’s legs and helped hold her down while Patten slit the teen’s throat.

There could be some truth to Fratto’s story, although I also believe that Fratto was at least as dysfunctional and abusive as Patten. The fact that she could be talked into committing such an act of violence is a clue to her weakness of character. Would she have committed the murder on her own? I don’t know. But she was clearly lacking the moral fortitude to resist her own dark impulses.

To Fratto’s slim credit, she did eventually come forward to confess what she’d done.  It was small comfort to Costanzo’s mother, who pleaded with the court to hand down a maximum sentence.  Frankly, I can’t blame Mickey Costanzo’s mother for being so incredibly angry about the senseless and tragic murder of her child.  

Fratto was eventually convicted of second-degree murder with a deadly weapon.  She was sentenced to life in prison with the chance of parole after 18 years.  Since she was 19 when she was convicted, it’s possible that Fratto could be out of prison before she turns 40.  As of August 2018, Toni Fratto was in Florence McClure Women’s Correctional Center in Las Vegas, Nevada.  Patten pleaded guilty to first degree murder and was sentenced to life without parole.  He is at Ely State Prison in White Pine County, Nevada. 

Edited to add in 2023: On April 4, 2021, Toni Fratto was denied parole. Her next chance to be paroled will be in May 2024. However, even if she had gotten parole in 2021, Fratto would still be locked up, as she has a second sentence that would begin for using a deadly weapon in the commission of second degree murder.

Listening to Toni Fratto on Anderson Cooper in the above clips, Toni Fratto sounds more to me like a psychopath. At the very least, she’s out of touch with reality, and the sheer horror of what she did. Listening to these interviews in 2023, I now believe that Toni Fratto was just as diabolical as Patten was. She is definitely where she belongs. How absolutely terrible it is that a beautiful and innocent young woman would lose her life due to these two criminals.

And here are the original comments:

5 comments:

  1. AlexisAROctober 20, 2018 at 10:40 PM That Relief Society talk you described is beyond scary. A person would have to be virtually brain-dead even to read that talk from a teleprompter. Whoever wrote it is likely certifiable and should be locked up.
    1. knottyOctober 20, 2018 at 10:57 PM I was horrified when I heard it.
  2. Pcofwork January 21, 2019 at 5:32 AM I actually don’t agree with you. Toni and Kody had a history of aggressive behavior with Mickey. Toni initially confessed to being the one who slit her throat, I believe that the version she told to Kodys lawyer is close to the truth as we are ever going to get. Kody has shown remorse since he confessed to the police, all Toni has ever done is blame him. She didn’t even apologize to Mickey’s family. And she had more of a motive than he did. 
    1. knottyJanuary 22, 2019 at 5:03 PM Alright.
  3. Chris Middleton February 6, 2019 at 3:01 AM Just a couple selfish, cold blooded pieces of shit! They took someone’s daughter! Hope they both rot in jail and then go straight to hell. I see she is eligible for parole in 2021, if she gets out, may people in their town take revenge on her cold
    Blooded ass!
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LDS, mental health, narcissists, psychology, YouTube

“Wah! No one ever gives me any presents!”

A few days ago, I watched a very insightful YouTube video by licensed therapist Kati Morton. The video was titled “8 Signs Your Mom is a Narcissist”. I decided to watch Kati’s video, although I don’t think my mom is a narcissist. I really like her content. She’s warm and empathetic, and she offers insightful and factual information in an appealing way.

The red flags were at full mast on this…

I don’t think my mom is a narcissist. She probably has some narcissistic tendencies, as most of us do. She might even have more than the average person does. But when it comes down to it, my mom does have basic empathy, and in spite of certain accusations made by others in my family, I think my mom has basic respect for her daughters. Especially now that we’re all adults. Or, at least I think she has basic respect for me. She changed a lot (for the better, in my opinion), when my father died.

I probably would have liked Kati Morton’s video regardless. Her content is kind of in my wheelhouse, because I studied social work, and might have even become a therapist myself. But then again, maybe I wouldn’t. Sometimes, I wonder if I have basic insight about myself. It’s probably a side effect of growing up the way I did… in a family situation that looked good, but hid some pretty serious issues like depression, alcoholism, and post traumatic stress disorder. Most of that stuff didn’t get talked about until we were all pretty much grown and seeing shrinks. 😉

As regular readers of my blog know, I strongly suspect Bill’s ex wife is a bonafide narcissist. I don’t mean she has “narcissistic tendencies”. I mean I think she’s got full blown NPD. Of course, I don’t know for sure, and I probably never will. The only way I could be sure is if a licensed professional diagnosed her and it was somehow made public. But I do have my suspicions, just as I have my suspicions about Donald Trump.

I used to suspect narcissism in Ex when Bill told me about his marriage to her, especially as I helped him deal with the aftermath of it. I became more certain when I heard about some of the things that happened after she and Bill divorced. Then, after watching Kati’s interesting video about narcissistic mothers, as well as reading other insightful materials, the signs became even clearer.

I highly recommend watching Kati Morton’s video, because she does a great job explaining the signs. She even mentions former child actress turned author Jennette McCurdy and her book, I’m Glad My Mom Died, which I’ve also read and reviewed. Jennette McCurdy’s mom was a notorious narcissist. But, if you don’t want to take the time to watch Kati’s video, here’s a quick and dirty list…

  1. You are an extension of her. She lives vicariously through you, or wants you to participate in activities that she chooses, even if you’re not interested in them. She sees you as “property”– and has an “I brought you in this world, I can take you out” attitude.
  2. She can dish out tons of criticism but can’t take any of it herself. She’s never satisfied with your achievements and criticizes you heavily when you don’t perform. But if you criticize her in any way whatsoever, there will be HELL to pay.
  3. She shares private information about you without your permission. She tells her friends about your first period, for instance. Or she talks to other people about things that are equally embarrassing.
  4. She holds basic parental duties over your head. The old “Do you know how many diapers I had to change when you were a baby?” or “Have you any clue how annoying your crying was when you were a toddler?” (actually, I have heard this a lot from my family)
  5. She doesn’t respect boundaries. She calls you when you’re on your honeymoon… 😉
  6. Will constantly tell you you’re remembering things wrong. Classic gaslighting behavior. She’ll say things like “That never happened.” or “You’re crazy. That’s not what I said or did.”
  7. She is always competing with you. (another one I experienced, but from my dad) A narcissistic mom might try to steal your friends or your significant others. She might dress too young. Maybe she’ll resent your successes.
  8. It will NEVER be her fault! Anytime there is a problem, it’s someone else’s fault. She won’t take any responsibility for her part in any bad situation. And if something goes well, it will be because of her input.

I’ve been watching Ex for over twenty years. For most of that time, what I learned about her, I learned against my will. I heard about her from Bill or someone else in his family. Most of what I heard was very upsetting, so I made a point of not looking her up on the Internet. I didn’t want her to disturb my peace, nor did I want to feel compelled to call CPS. But then, I found out that she was telling her kids about my blog and spinning it into bullshit. Since they were adults at that point, I figured if she was going to read up on me, I might as well return the favor and give her some of the attention she obviously craves.

Now, I’m (mostly) not as disturbed or horrified by Ex’s antics. Bill’s daughters (biological, at least– we still wonder if #3 legally adopted them) are adults, and are responsible for themselves. Younger daughter has made the leap into full fledged adulthood. Older daughter, sadly, hasn’t. But she’s got to figure things out for herself. Now, I can (mostly) just laugh at Ex.

And laugh is exactly what I did last night, when I saw her latest tweet. Someone in her “Outlander posse” shared pictures of a very personal and thoughtful gift she had received by another fan. The woman who shared photos of the present was gushing over how beautiful it was. The woman’s friend (who evidently isn’t a friend of Ex’s) had sent her a creation based on their mutual love of the Outlander series. I can’t tell for sure, but it looks like this person actually created a hardbound book based on tales told by James Fraser, a character on the show. I don’t watch Outlander myself, but I did do a quick search and it looks like this was a one off creation; not something she bought on Amazon.

If the person did create the book, she did a beautiful job. I would be thrilled to receive such a lovely gift. I can understand why the recipient is so impressed with it. Now that I’m reading other comments, I can see that it was something specially created. People are effusive with their praises.

Apparently, Ex is impressed (and envious), too. She left the following comment:

I’m sure she adores it. Did you craft the book from scratch my dear? It’s the most beautiful gift I’ve ever seen. I have to confess, all the gifts I receive are from myself; since my father died, I can count on my fingers the gifts ANYONE else has given me. Is it an odd thing?

Notice how she states the obvious. “I’m sure she adores it.” (clearly). She asks if it was created from scratch, adding “my dear”, which is almost always a condescending sentiment rather than endearing. Then… she writes it’s the “most beautiful gift [she’s] ever seen”. I’ve seen her write that before, so it’s obviously not a sincere comment.

Finally… she makes the rest of the comment about herself.

Ex’s father– her adoptive father that she met for the first time when she was 7 years old– died in 1996. According to Bill, who actually knew him, he wasn’t a terrible person, but he also wasn’t much of a father. He spent a lot of his time at sea, because he was in the Merchant Marines. When he died, he did leave some money for Ex’s three eldest children– about $15,000 total. Ex proceeded to use the money to put a down payment on the house that she later allowed to go into foreclosure.

I know that Bill’s father and stepmother gave her gifts, some of which were pretty expensive. I also know that she later sold them on eBay. I don’t know what kinds of gifts Bill gave her when they were married, although I doubt he had much money to buy her anything super nice. And even if he did, she probably wouldn’t have liked or appreciated it. From what I’ve heard and seen in the aftermath of their marriage, I know that Bill was more concerned about paying the light bill and mortgage, than gifting Ex things like fan books from her favorite TV shows.

Bill “gifted” her with two daughters and played “daddy” to her eldest kid with her first husband. When they divorced, instead of insisting that her first ex husband pay child support for his son, Bill paid support for him, too. But Ex doesn’t see that as a kindness. At the time, she felt entitled to it. He left their marriage no longer able to father children, because he had a vasectomy for their mutual benefit. She repaid him by having two more kids with #3, and now uses them to promote her benevolent mother facade to strangers on Twitter. Meanwhile, we’ve heard about how she begrudged younger daughter necessary medical and dental interventions, even forcing her to endure a complicated dental procedure unsedated when she was seven years old.

I would have been overjoyed to have had a child with Bill. I would have seen that as the greatest gift ever. Isn’t it interesting that Ex doesn’t appreciate her children, or see them as gifts– even if they were simply from God? I bring up God because Ex brought the family into Mormonism, where there’s the idea that preborn children choose their families as spirits waiting for earthly bodies. But for all I know, she might not even believe in God anymore. Or maybe she only believes in God when it’s convenient.

Ex recently tweeted something else that gave me pause. In parts passing, I’ve written about how Ex loves to use books, music, movies, and television shows to “demonstrate” how she expects her husbands and children to behave. She doesn’t live in reality. She bases her reality on fiction. Bill has told me many times that she expected him to romance her, as Bryan Adams suggested in the song “To Really Love A Woman”, or suggested that he wasn’t “strong enough” to be her man, as Sheryl Crow sang in her song, “Strong Enough”. There are countless other examples of this phenomenon.

Anyway, she recently tweeted about the show, Outlander, of which she is a super fan. Someone announced that the show could be “rewatched” starting in early April, allowing fans to see the whole thing before the new season starts. Ex posted:

Thanks for the heads up!!! I’m a woman on a mission to get my hubby to watch it straight through!!

Poor #3… I doubt she wants him to watch because she simply enjoys the show. She probably wants him to watch so she can “instruct” him on the “right” way to behave. She wants to be married to James Fraser, not #3. She wants actors, not real people. Hell, even her children have mostly taken acting classes… probably because she encouraged it or insisted that they take the classes. She doesn’t want them to be themselves. She wants them to be someone from one of her shows or movies.

If you look at the list above, you can see that it’s basically Ex engaging in the very first sign. She constantly posts about wanting her youngest daughter to go to an acting conservatory in Scotland… when younger daughter has said that her sister would actually prefer to go to school close to home, so she can hang out with her friends. Meanwhile, when younger daughter was college bound, Ex wanted her to stay close to home and commute to her classes. Younger daughter, thankfully, found a way to do what she wanted to do.

Anyway… back to Kati Morton. I find her videos very helpful and interesting, not just because of Ex, but because of my own fucked up family dynamics. The below video is one that kind of resonates with me, personally.

I love my mom… but she was kind of neglectful.

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communication, complaints, dogs, narcissists, overly helpful people, rants, religion

Damn this inappropriate comment Stau on the information superhighway!

In the German language, the word “Stau” refers to the inevitable traffic jams that form, especially on the Autobahn system. Bill and I have been in a lot of Staus over the years. They are almost always annoying and frustrating, especially when we’re miles from an Ausfahrt and we both have to pee. They shut down movement and flow. They waste time. They piss people off and put them in sour moods.

Today’s title was inspired by a classic song by James Taylor and my own experiences in Staus all over Germany.

I’m reminded of the term “Stau” this morning, having experienced a communication breakdown on the Recovery from Mormonism messageboard. Before I get into the specifics of what happened, I want to make it plain that this post isn’t a plea for advice or “wisdom”. In fact, unsolicited advice is what led to my decision to write about the “comment Stau” in the first place. I hope that anyone who reads this will take a moment to think twice before trying to be an “overly helpful person” and offering hurting people unsolicited advice. When it comes down to it, unsolicited advice is basically criticism. I don’t need criticism right now.

If you read yesterday’s posts, you know that Bill and I lost a very special family member yesterday. Our dog Arran had some kind of catastrophic medical event on Thursday night. We consequently decided to send him to the Rainbow Bridge yesterday morning. Arran was a big part of our lives. Naturally, I shared the news about him on a few sites. In retrospect, maybe that was the wrong thing to do, since there are a lot of assholes in the world, and every time you share something online, you run the risk of running into one or more of them.

I shared a post on the Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) site yesterday, because I’ve been posting there for over 20 years. I don’t post there very often anymore, because Mormonism no longer really affects my life. But I do have a few friends on that site, even though there are quite a few people there who I think have some legitimate issues. That site also attracts many trolls, though the moderators do a pretty good job of enforcing the rules.

Someone left me a really kind comment about my tribute to Arran and his name’s association with Scotland. I left a rather lengthy reply, since she seemed genuinely interested in the origin of his name. I explained how we came to acquire Arran and why we gave him his name, after a beautiful island in Scotland.

Then I got a very mean comment from a troll. I didn’t copy what the person (I’m assuming a male) wrote, but the gist of it was that the quality of the board was going to hell because of “off topic” posts like mine, and no one gives a fuck about my “stupid deceased mutt” (he literally used the word “fuck”, albeit with a different spelling.).

I’ll be honest. I was legitimately stung by the callousness of that person’s comment to me. I actually cried when I read that troll’s cruel words. It was like a hard slap to the face. I wanted to return fire with a well aimed kick straight to the troll’s balls that would leave him doubled over in extreme pain and unlikely to want to ever utter such blatant disrespect to me again. What can I say? I have my own anger issues, and when it comes to outright abuse, I am very saturated. I don’t tolerate it well at all.

My first impulse was to lash out in anger. But then I figured that behind every troll, there’s a hurting person who expects to get attention in the form of angry comments. That person clearly wanted a response, and I was inclined to give him one, but not in the form he expected. So, instead of rightly telling the person to go fuck themselves, I wrote “You know, you could have just kept scrolling. Sorry that you’re hurting so much that you feel the need to be mean to me.” Then I reported the troll’s comment.

I hoped that would be the end of it, but alas, the site’s resident “overly helpful person” decided she needed to chime in. I’ve posted about my issues with the overly helpful on more than one occasion. It seems like every messageboard has one. It’s that person who feels the need to make themselves feel better by trying to micromanage other people, being meddlesome, and inserting themselves in places where they have no business. I think a lot of that kind of controlling behavior has its origins in people who were raised in chaos. Of course, understanding where that behavior comes from doesn’t make it any less irritating.

I don’t actually know much about the person who felt the need to intercede. What I do know is that she’s very active on the site. Other people have implied that she’s really smart, and might actually have an important job (but I don’t know when she has time to work at a job, since she’s apparently always on RfM). Judging by my own interactions with her and observations of her behavior, I would assume that she thinks she really smart, too. She likes to get into arguments with people and show off how “smart” she is. While I absolutely respect intelligent people, there is a fine line between being really smart and allowing that intelligence to show itself naturally, and trying to appear smarter than one actually is, and looking foolish.

In any case, she left me a comment indicating that the person is a troll and is posting crap all over the place. Then she advised me to ignore him.

My response was that yes, obviously, the guy is a troll. However, I am a real person, and his comment legitimately caused me pain. His words made me cry. I don’t know the person behind the screen. For all I know, he’s a twelve year old kid in his mother’s basement. Or maybe he’s a 35 year old man with a twelve year old kid’s maturity level in his mother’s basement. Or maybe he’s a sadistic pervert. I don’t know.

I simply wanted to issue a reminder to him that there’s a person behind the screen who read those words and they were hurtful. And instead of lashing out with anger and profanity, I wanted that person to get an even-keeled comment that addresses their need to attack, expressing sorrow for the obvious pain they must be in to feel compelled to share it so stunningly with perfect strangers who are obviously already grieving.

The overly helpful woman came back and pointed out that I was just giving the troll “fuel” and feeding his “sick impulses.” And I should just let the moderators deal with him. I didn’t respond to her directly, but I suppose I could have mirrored the same fucking observation to her. She didn’t need to insert herself into that interaction and offer me criticism on my retort. I’m a 50 year old woman of average intelligence who doesn’t need her help in deciding how to address other people when they insult me. Her comments were patronizing, unnecessary, and out of place. And they shut down communication, just like a good, old-fashioned Stau.

Revealing that the initial comment made me cry isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that I have a heart, and a soul, and people who hurl abuse at me do damage. I didn’t feel anger so much that the person indicated that they felt my post was “inappropriate”. It was that they referred to Arran as a “stupid deceased mutt”. He was so much more than that. Reading those words enraged me, because they were completely uncalled for and cruel. And if that cowardly person had said that to my face, I probably would have slapped him HARD across the mouth, if he was lucky. And then I probably would have gotten arrested.

What’s more, obviously a few people did care, and said they enjoyed the tribute. I hope they were being sincere. If not, their choice to humor me is on them. Everybody else can do the decent thing and just keep scrolling, rather than kicking a person when they’re down. I can’t imagine that the people running that messageboard really mean to shut down communication. Those kinds of critical comments, especially when they’re spiteful and mean, make people not want to post anymore. I’m sure thinking I might not post again after that incident.

I do my best not to engage the “overly helpful”. I seem to have something in my personality that brings them out of the woodwork. I suppose it’s a sign that I need to work on not caring about what other people say or think… but again, prick me and I bleed. My feelings are raw because we just lost a big chunk out of our hearts. Arran was a part of our lives for over ten years… half our marriage! And while his passing wasn’t directly related to Mormonism, having him in our lives was a big part of Bill’s recovery from Mormonism. So maybe my post there about Arran’s death wasn’t so off topic, after all…

The troll chastised me for not posting about “recovery from Mormonism”… but Arran had a lot to do with our recovery. I wasn’t a Mormon, but the religion has touched me nevertheless, because of Bill, and because of his younger daughter, who is still active. Fortunately, she seems to have picked up the good parts of the faith instead of the toxic ones, that still show themselves among recovering people, including the “overly helpful” woman who feels the need to butt in on every fucking thing anyone posts there.

Hurting people hurt others… and toxic behavior is contagious. I tried not to be contagious when I addressed the troll’s obvious pain, rather than just advising him to go fuck off and die. But if I’m honest, he can do that, too. 😉 I won’t shed any tears for that.

One last thought… and this one has to do with Arran.

When we lose our dogs, we usually get “signs” from them. I mentioned yesterday, that when we were on our way home from the vet’s office, the 1991 song “Shiny Happy People” by R.E.M. came on the radio. I’m not the biggest fan of R.E.M., and I see no reason why that song would be particularly meaningful, as it was about the behavior of Chinese people after the Tiananmen Square massacre in 1989. It’s kind of a sarcastic song about “shiny, happy people” carrying on after a bloody tragedy… as communism promotes Utopia that can’t really exist as long as humans are the way they are.

Bill commented on “Shiny, Happy People” as we pulled into the driveway, and said he felt it was a sign from Arran. Of course, Arran’s time was long after that song was a hit, and it’s not like we play a lot of R.E.M. at our house. But then last night, as we were raising a glass to Arran’s memory at the wine stand, there it was again. The song “Shiny, Happy People” was playing in the kiosk… the second time we heard it that day. And then I realized it came from an album titled Out of Time. I dunno. It kind of makes sense. But maybe I just need to get out more.

Also… the steps I so carefully purchased for Arran just arrived. Guess we’ll hang onto them. Maybe they’ll come in handy.

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