Tag Archives: New Zealand

healthcare, money, music, narcissists, politics, social media, Twitter, YouTube

“My husband has to work two full time jobs…”

It’s Thursday, which used to mean it was party night, when I was in college. But now every night is party night. 😉 I’m kidding, actually. Bill and I don’t party every night. We sit at our table and listen to selections from my huge music library, eat dinner, and drink wine and/or beer. We do a lot of talking, too. I’m grateful we have time for talking and listening to music as we quaff wine and beer. Maybe we should drink water instead of alcoholic beverages. It would be healthier and less expensive on many levels. But the fact is, we don’t do the “right” thing by avoiding booze.

Bill will be gone for about ten days starting Sunday. I will spend the time anticipating our trip to Armenia, and trying to teetotal. 😉 I usually do a pretty good job of teetotaling when Bill is gone. My main thing is that I have a tendency to get bored when he’s gone. Drinking beer helps pass the time. But I have downloaded some movies and a box set or two. I can use my empty evenings entertaining myself by catching up on movies and TV, and perhaps I’ll sing a couple of songs. I did a couple yesterday. I think they turned out quite well.

I finally learned “Jesse” yesterday afternoon. I’d been wanting to try it for a long time, but held off. I seem to have a knack for Roberta Flack tunes (although this was written by the great Janis Ian).
I’ve known this song for awhile, but finally decided to sing it when I noticed the rainy fall weather…

Someday maybe I’ll do something original. I’m getting noticeably better at playing guitar, although I have a long way to go before I’m fit for a public performance on YouTube. I have actually done a couple of songs with my mediocre playing, but not while I’m on camera. I think I need one of those mics that hang overhead, and that would require another VESA arm, which isn’t so easy to arrange when you have sloping ceilings. But anyway, maybe the day will come when I can arrange a live performance with singing and guitar… and maybe I will even write a song someday. That’s a not so secret goal of mine. I often say that something positive can come out of almost any situation, if you think long enough about it. COVID gave me the gift of guitar, as in, I finally got more serious about learning how to play. I know I would be a better guitarist if I had a real teacher, though. 😉

Anyway… about today’s title…

Today’s topic comes courtesy of Ex, who has been surprisingly civic minded lately in between her comments about Outlander. Before I get too deep into my commentary today, I will state that, on the surface, I actually agree with a lot of the stuff she posts. Somehow, she’s evolved from a conservative to a liberal… kind of like I have. I’m not sure how much of her political commentary is based on her true thoughts and feelings about things.

I’ve long suspected that Ex is a true narcissist, which means she tends to say whatever is going to get her the most fuel. And she tends to support whatever politics are going to benefit her personally. She seems to have become more liberal since she had her last child, a young man who will likely need help for the rest of his life. I can’t blame her for that, by the way. If you, or your family members need assistance, it makes sense to vote for people who might vote to provide that assistance. I’ve just noticed that her political views have dramatically changed in the years I’ve known of her. I can remember a time when Ex was a lot more conservative than she apparently is now.

Today, Ex seems to be all about voting blue, backing social justice warriors, and “wokeism”. In the past few days, she has let her liberal feelings be known to everyone on Twitter. She also has a history of repeatedly expressing a desire to move out of the United States. Most of the time, she’s posted that she wants to move to Scotland, although I don’t think she’s ever been there. But she also recently posted that she once had a desire to move to New Zealand. Alas, the New Zealand dream can never be realized. When the singer, P!nk, posted about people mistaking her Māori Poi flags for Israeli flags at her shows and getting threats, Ex chimed in with a comment about herself, revealing her former wish to move to the land of Kiwis and why that can never be…

This may be read by many Māori, so I’ll tell. I dreamed of living in NZ, only to learn autistic people are not welcome. My family can’t come, even to visit. I don’t think the Māori would approve of this discrimination. Seeking NZ & UK opinions only. As for war? I pray for PEACE.

Notice this comment has nothing to do with P!nk getting death threats over flags at her shows. It’s simply Ex’s complaints about perceived discrimination toward the people in her family who are on the autism spectrum. Once again, she’s making someone else’s post about herself.

Even though I rolled my eyes as I read it, I actually learned something new from Ex’s post. I didn’t know that New Zealand and some other countries won’t grant residency permits or citizenship to people with autism. I researched the issue, and learned that, at least in New Zealand, this rule is in place because of fears that people with autism would strain the healthcare system too much. I’m not sure Ex is correct about people with autism not being able to visit, as if you have a US passport, you can travel to countries that allow US citizens to visit. But it does appear that New Zealand and other countries will not grant permission for people to live there if there’s a chance they will strain the public health system. From the article (dated April 25, 2022):

“The current settings are not specifically discriminatory against disabled people, but instead focus on assessing the public health impact an individual will have,” said a government statement.

“The government values the contribution that disabled people bring to society and is always willing to take steps towards making New Zealand a non-disabling society. However, as this goal pertains to the current Acceptable Standard of Health (ASH) immigration settings, the government considers these settings appropriate.”

I can’t blame Ex for being attracted to New Zealand. It’s a beautiful country, based on what I’ve seen in photos and videos. I’d love to visit there myself someday. Unlike Ex, I will probably have the ability to do it. Besides having family members with autism who “can’t even visit”, Ex is perpetually strapped for cash. This isn’t a new phenomenon. It was also a problem when she and Bill were married, before autism was part of her life (our understanding is that older daughter didn’t have an official diagnosis until she was about 20 years old– long after she and Bill divorced).

Bill worked constantly to bring in money, taking jobs in factories, because that was what was available where they were living. Ex spent all their money on a wide variety of things– cars, landscaping, furniture, Disney plates, snacks from Swiss Colony, depression glass, and whatever else struck her fancy and temporarily bolstered her empty soul…

When I met Bill, he was broke, and his credit rating was in the toilet. Today, he has an excellent credit rating and little debt. He works at a job that pays well and is suitable for his talents, interests, and skills. Although he has dental insurance that will pay half, Bill can afford to pay out of pocket for the dental implant he’s about to get next month. He’s learned from past financial mistakes and repaired his credit. But Ex, apparently, is still broke. Last night, she posted this in response to someone’s comment about Mary Lou Retton crowdfunding her recent stay in the ICU.

And what are YOU doing to help make ends meet, Ex?

Here’s what I have to say about Ex’s comment. First of all, healthcare is NOT a basic human right in all places. It ought to be a human right, but the fact is, it’s not– especially in the US.

Unfortunately, in the United States, healthcare is a business, just like pretty much everything else is. Although changes are necessary, they will likely be very slow in coming. This is on account of our fucked up government, where people argue for weeks over who’s going to be Speaker of the House, rather than choosing someone expeditiously. I’d love to see politicians getting to work making policies that are good for the American PEOPLE, instead of making more money for the already rich. But that isn’t reality today.

In the United States, we have many non-profit healthcare organizations, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t businesses. It just means that their profits must be reinvested into the organization. I think Ex would like to see healthcare delivery services become a “not-for-profit” entity, which would mean that they are charitable organizations that don’t exist to make money, and the people working in them care only about the joy of healing and nurturing their fellow man.

But that concept also has its issues, as healthcare workers work very hard to get qualified to earn their credentials, have to pay high premiums for malpractice insurance, usually have lots of student loans, and demand to be paid well for what they do. To generate enough money and benefits to attract good people, healthcare systems have to make money. Otherwise, we’d have a whole lot more mediocre people going to medical school (which isn’t to say there aren’t some mediocre people in medical school now).

Many Americans are completely ignorant about how hospitals function, and they have fallacious ideas about how any changes to our system would affect them. Add in the fact that a large number of Americans never travel abroad and don’t experience healthcare outside of the United States. They think national healthcare will mean they won’t have any choices, and that our system will turn into a dystopian nightmare. So they keep voting for people who are focused on keeping things the way they are, which isn’t very sustainable for most people.

It’s kind of like how Americans resist moving away from the tipping model in restaurants. In other countries, restaurant workers are paid by the people who hired them. Yes, they get tips, but they don’t depend on them for their livelihood. Try to explain this to Americans, though, and they just don’t have a concept. I think it’s kind of the same for the prospect of changing healthcare. A lot of us would rather just stick with what we know, even though it sucks. So even when progress is made, it gets rolled back by the opposing parties, who want things to stay the way they are. 😉

Secondly, I am not surprised to read that #3 is working two full-time jobs (or perhaps just two jobs– she does embellish sometimes). He probably does work that much so they can “live”. But it’s not just because healthcare is so expensive that he does that. Based on Bill’s experiences being Ex’s #2 husband, I think there are several reasons why #3 has to work so hard.

  • Ex spends her money on all kinds of worthless crap. You only have to look at her Instagram to see this, but I also know from Bill’s and younger daughter’s stories.
  • She doesn’t save money or pay off debts in a timely manner, which means she winds up with emergencies she’s not prepared for, and gets socked with service charges and higher interest rates.
  • She has an extreme “live life in the present” mindset when it comes to money, and assumes things will somehow “work out” in the long run, which they never do. She easily justifies spending money she doesn’t have. Usually, that means her husband has to bust his ass at work, and it still won’t be enough. She will also berate him for not meeting her endless needs, so he’ll try to work harder to avoid that.
  • Ex doesn’t have a job, and though she gets lots of help with housework and taking care of her son from older daughter, she has legitimate expenses, like her recent ankle surgery and, perhaps, college tuition for their daughter.
  • Working two jobs gives #3 a refuge from Ex’s batshit craziness. I’m serious. It was true in Bill’s case. He lived for going on National Guard drill duty, because it meant getting the hell away from her for awhile.

What is especially telling about this situation is seeing how Bill was once in #3’s shoes, and now he’s doing quite well, financially speaking. When I met Bill, he lived on $600 a month, and whatever he could scrounge from per diem payments when he went on TDYs. It took us a few years to recover from the financial nightmare of his marriage to Ex. But now, he has plenty of money to meet our needs. If he’d stayed with Ex, he certainly wouldn’t have what he has now. She would have squandered the money in an attempt to impress other people or satisfy her bottomless pit of needs for shiny things. She also wouldn’t have let him succeed in the Army. She resented the Army for dictating where they would live and when Bill would be working. I don’t interfere with Bill’s work, so he’s been able to achieve and succeed, and he gets paid accordingly.

So… while I agree with Ex that our healthcare system is fucked, and needs to be reformed, I don’t believe her husband works so hard simply because of soaring healthcare costs. There are plenty of reasons why he’d even CHOOSE to work so much. Some of them have to do with escaping having to be around her. I just hope he doesn’t work himself into an early grave for her sake. I don’t like #3, but I dislike Ex even more. She’s not worth dying for.

Unfortunately, as Ex’s third husband, he’s already seen what she does when she gets divorced. #3 does have an advantage that his daughter is an adult and won’t be as easily alienated and manipulated as ex stepson and Bill’s daughters were. But his son with Ex will probably always have to live in the home, and if they split up, she won’t let him be involved in his life unless he lawyers up and forces her to cooperate. That takes a lot of money in the US, and it might not even work. Family courts are a crapshoot. He probably thinks it’s cheaper to keep her.

But anyway… those are just my thoughts as a longtime observer. I realize I could be wrong. I do wonder, though, now that #3 has been with Ex for so long, if he understands now why Bill so readily agreed when she demanded a divorce. Maybe he does when he has a spare twenty seconds at the urinal when he’s working, but my guess is that he doesn’t have much time for thinking about his situation. He’s in too deep. Poor sucker. /sarcasm

Well… I’ve got laundry to fold, carpets to vacuum, a dog to walk, and a guitar to practice. So I am going to end this long ass post. If you managed to read it and not think I’m an asshole, I thank you. See you tomorrow… if I survive today.

Standard
condescending twatbags, musings, social media, stupid people, YouTube

Next up on bizarro Twitter: The great Rice Krispies Treat Debacle!

A few days ago, I changed the settings on my Twitter account. I felt the need to take those steps because I was getting inundated with disrespectful, mean-spirited comments from right wing trolls. I don’t have a problem with people who disagree with my opinions. The world would be a be a very dull place if everyone was in agreement all the time. But, even if some people find me obnoxious, I don’t deserve to be called vile names by strangers on the Internet.

I’m certainly not an idiot, but I was repeatedly called that by strangers on Twitter. People made fun of my handle, too, claiming that I am an actual “knothead”, simply because I’m not a conservative and I believe that women should be able to determine whether or not they wish to be pregnant. No, I’m not a “knothead”. That was what my abusive dad used to call me, after he called me “fat”, “retarded”, and “bitchy”. I use it as a nickname, because it’s my way of reclaiming a pejorative. But I am actually pretty far from being a “knothead”, and I’m certainly not a “knothead” simply because I support a woman’s right to choose.

I wonder if this is how these people are offline, when they are face to face with others. Do they routinely call other people “stupid”, “idiotic”, or “dumb”? Do they radiate smug, self-righteous, hateful behavior toward random folks they meet on the street? I think the Internet has made a lot of people uncivilized and mean. Even though these people are complete strangers whose opinions shouldn’t matter in the slightest, my mental health takes a beating when people spew that toxic shit at me. Yes, I know they’re only words, but life is tough enough without unhinged, clueless, and just plain awful people invading my space and insulting me simply for expressing myself. I refuse to give them an audience, or consider their words, when they are nothing but garbage insults.

After I got a shit ton of very personal insults from perfect strangers, I decided that I needed to sharply reduce the noise from Twitter. I turned off the multiple daily emails I seemed to be getting. I limited who can reply to me. For the past few days, it’s been pretty calm… almost too calm, actually. Twitter could be a great place to find things to write about, think about, or even share humor. But it sure is a bizarre place at times. Some people are better at dealing with the craziness than I will ever be.

For instance, Mama Doctor Jones (MDJ) has been getting a lot of heat lately. I admire the way she handles it, even as she’s in a challenging career that is being assailed by the right wing zealots in the United States who want to interfere with how OB-GYNs do their jobs.

I originally only followed MDJ on YouTube, but discovered her on Twitter when I started using my Twitter account more. I am impressed on many levels by what she does, but I can also see that there’s a significant downside to being popular on the Internet. She has to deal with so many hateful people! Take, for instance, the below tweet she shared…

MDJ lives in New Zealand, having moved there some months ago. She’s presumably settling in with her neighbors, sharing a well known American snack with them. It went well, and she chose to share her pleasant experience with her followers. There’s nothing at all about the above tweet that should have been the slightest bit controversial. And yet, it STILL went south, and not because of a pro-birth American conservative taking aim at her. This time, it was a freakin’ kiwi who came at her!

I’m with Katlin. Monty seemed to be a bit prickly toward Mama Doctor Jones.

Granted, MDJ was a teensy bit snarky in her response, probably because it’s frustrating and irritating when someone just wants to share something nice and gets attacked with negativity.

Wow… what the hell?

Then it gets even more bizarre… Keep in mind, this nasty exchange began with a happy tweet about Rice Krispies Treats! What the fuck! I’m surprised MDJ gave this person the time of day.

Twitter is a STRANGE place indeed.

It got even worse, as the conversation went from Rice Krispies Treats to Monty accusing MDJ of “abandoning” the country that gave her “opportunities”. But, as MDJ is from Texas, her ability to do her job without the threat of incarceration for treating her patients properly is in peril. I can’t blame her for moving to New Zealand. Not only is it a beautiful country, but it’s also a place where MOST people seem to be kind, compassionate, and sensible. “Most” is the operative word, of course, as Monty continues to show that there are rude and disrespectful people everywhere.

I totally agree with MDJ, although I didn’t leave the USA because I necessarily thought of it as a “shit show”. When we left for Germany, it was mainly because it was the only place where Bill was being offered work in a timely manner. He retired from the Army with no job lined up, and we had bills to pay. The contractor in Stuttgart came through with work, and we were fine with moving, because we loved living in Germany the first time. We also wanted to get back the year we lost having to leave Germany early, thanks to Bill’s narcissistic wartime boss who got us yanked out early to satisfy his own selfish needs.

We neither expected nor planned to be here for as long as we’ve been here. We certainly never thought we’d be going on eight years of life outside of the States. When we left, Obama was still the president, and things were a lot more normal than they are now. Granted, there were still too many shootings and too many anti-choice religious zealots who worship the conservative viewpoint no matter what… but I never could have imagined in 2014 that the United States would turn into what it is now.

I think, if I had children, I would NOT want them to be raised in the current version of the United States. It’s become a place I don’t recognize anymore. So we’re happy to stay out of the USA, for now. I’d love to go back sometime, if it was a place where I felt safe and respected, and I thought we could live as well there as we do here. But I don’t feel that it’s like that anymore. It sounds like MDJ has come to a similar conclusion. She’s still somewhat gentle with Monty, who is very hateful to her…

She just keeps on keeping on… Obviously MDJ has more energy and patience than I do. She also has more patients. 😉 I admire her very much for her level headedness and good humor.

Keep fighting the good fight, Dr. Jones. Many of us are with you. And, as a fellow expat, I hear you.
Yup. No wonder people flee their homelands. Even some of us Americans! I can relate to people who want to move to the USA, but I can also relate to those of us who walked away, or even ran away from it.

I know there are people from my past who can’t relate to me anymore. All I can tell them is that being in other places changes your perspective. Living in other countries is so life changing and educational… it expands boundaries and broadens mindsets. More people– especially Americans– should do it. Maybe if they did, America would somehow become the fantastic place it’s hyped to be. But I’m afraid the American Dream will always be just a mirage to me. So… while I don’t know if I’ll be gone from there forever, I don’t mind being gone for now.

America really isn’t that great. It was never great… and it’s gotten much worse in the eight years since I was last there. It seems like the shittiness that spews from there is spreading in terms of violence, and just plain rude, uncivilized behavior, and discourse. And every time I have an unpleasant interaction with someone from my homeland, I’m reminded why I’m glad to be out of there… for now, anyway. I do think that MDJ’s Rice Krispie Treat Twitter altercation is a reminder, though, that mean, inconsiderate people are everywhere… and if they could fly, Twitter would be an airport.

Standard
condescending twatbags, sexism, social media, stupid people, YouTube

Mama Doctor Jones gets unfollowed… but not by me!

This morning, I woke up to a Twitter alert on my iPad. I don’t really pay a lot of attention to Twitter as a general rule, but ever since my recent debacle with USAA, I’ve tweeted more frequently, and that may be why Mama Doctor Jones came up today. Some jerk named Neil sent her this…

Wow, Neil… don’t let the door hit you on the ass as you make your grand exit.

I don’t understand Neil’s delusional comments. It looks like he didn’t pay much attention in English or social studies when he was in school. He doesn’t know what socialism is, or what constitutes socialism in a country. He lacks compassion for people who don’t want to be pregnant, can’t afford to be pregnant, or for whom being pregnant is unsafe, for whatever reason. He cares more about an unaware developing person than a person who has already been born and is aware. And bafflingly, he seems upset that Mama Doctor Jones (aka Danielle Jones, MD) has left the country. If he has such negative opinions about her, and her beliefs, shouldn’t he be glad she’s left the United States to a place more to her liking?

Not that I actually know if New Zealand is more to Dr. Jones’s liking. I have no reason to believe that she left the United States as a means of protest or disloyalty. Maybe she just wanted to try living in a new country. I’ve done it myself a few times. It doesn’t mean I don’t love the United States. I just enjoy experiencing new cultures and meeting different kinds of people. It also helps that Bill makes an excellent living in Germany, inconvenient as living here can be sometimes.

I’ve never been to New Zealand, but I’ve seen pictures. I know at least two people who voluntarily moved there. I can see why it would be an appealing place to live. From what I’ve seen, the place is absolutely STUNNING. And it has a leader who cares about people, rather than money and power. I would love to visit New Zealand sometime. I envy Dr. Jones for her opportunity to work somewhere different. If and when she comes home to the USA, or even if she chooses to work somewhere else, she will have a unique perspective that will be useful to her colleagues and patients. I wish all Americans had a chance to live abroad for awhile. It might make us better, wiser people as a whole.

Many of the responses to Neil’s comments by Mama Doctor Jones’s Twitter followers are pretty classic. Some people have pointed out that in the United States, as a whole, we don’t really get taught a lot about other countries or their governments. I don’t remember ever learning about New Zealand when I was in school. I don’t remember learning much about socialism or communism, even though the Soviet Union was alive and well when I was in school. I mean, yes, we talked about communism, and we had kickass propaganda movies like Red Dawn to watch, but I don’t remember any of my teachers really explaining what communism is as an economic theory. We just talked about how sad it was that people were being forced to live behind tall fences, with no freedom to live as they pleased. That was pretty much the narrative. We didn’t learn much about why communism or socialism might be attractive on any level. We also didn’t discuss how communism and socialism differed.

It wasn’t until I lived in Armenia that I finally had an inkling of what it must have been like during the Soviet era. I met lovely, generous, intelligent, talented people– people who, just a few years prior to my arrival as a Peace Corps Volunteer, were considered “enemies” just for being Soviet citizens. But yes, I could see how the government system they had lived under was problematic. At the time, I didn’t see how my own “capitalistic” government was also problematic. Now that I live in a country where social democracy is the rule, I can see why some intelligent Americans are seeking to leave the United States. I mean, it isn’t a perfect system, but I think it’s better than capitalism.

A friend of Bill’s recently told him about his wife’s experiences being treated for cancer in Germany. This guy and his wife, both American citizens, went to Landstuhl, the largest U.S. military hospital outside of the United States, looking for help, when his wife came down with colon cancer. The military hospital couldn’t offer her care immediately, so she sought help from the local hospital. She was asked to come in for an appointment that very day. She went in; the doctors found the problem; she was treated; and she’s now in remission. Total cost? It was about $12,000, from start to finish; many of the expenses were covered by health insurance. That would not be the story in the United States, even with health insurance coverage. These folks would qualify for care in a military facility, but as she was not on active duty, and her husband is retired military, treatment probably would have been on a space available basis. And U.S. doctors and medical facilities aren’t always too keen on accepting Tricare, since reimbursement rates tend to be low, and filing for reimbursement is often complicated.

Now, this isn’t to say that there aren’t problems in Germany or other countries. People here do pay a lot of taxes, and some things are more expensive here than they are in the United States. For example, gas is a lot more expensive. We can get gas on military installations, but it’s still costlier than it would be in the US. Electronics are more expensive. I think clothes cost more, too. But the overall atmosphere is more community minded. There’s plenty of public transportation, and always a “fest” going on (except during COVID lockdowns). Workers have rights, and so do families. New parents get paid time off work to take care of their babies when they’re born, and time off is allowed for workers to enjoy life. My husband works for the United States, but because we live in Germany, we benefit from a lot of the local rules here.

This doesn’t mean that I haven’t missed home, at times. I have family and lots of friends in America. It will always be my home. But I sure have appreciated being allowed to live in Germany. If anything, I’ve learned that our way is neither the only, nor necessarily the best, way to live. I don’t know how much longer we’ll live here, but I’m happy enough to stay for now. I don’t have a burning desire to go back “home” anytime soon. I don’t think many people there miss me, either. An added bonus is that people in Germany aren’t compelled to carry weapons with them wherever they go, like a lot of Americans are. I’m sure Mama Doctor Jones has noticed the same in New Zealand.

I also wonder why “Neil” was following Mama Doctor Jones in the first place. Does he require the assistance of an OB-GYN? I mean, I think it’s perfectly fine for a man to follow Mama Doctor Jones. My husband has enjoyed her informative and entertaining videos on YouTube. I have a couple of male friends who have watched her videos, too, because I have suggested them. They enjoyed learning from her, too. But Neil doesn’t seem like the type of guy who appreciated the so-called “gentler sex”. What prompted him to tweet Mama Doctor Jones? And was he really following her? It seems a bit strange to me that someone with an obviously anti-woman viewpoint would watch videos by a progressive physician like Danielle Jones, MD. Either way, I doubt she’ll lose any sleep over his decision to unfollow her. He obviously doesn’t need her help.

And finally, I wonder if Neil thinks that his tweet will cause Mama Doctor Jones to change. At this writing, Mama Doctor Jones is wildly popular and successful on her social media platforms. She has 72.3K followers on Twitter, and 1.15M subscribers on YouTube. I, on the other hand, have 87 YouTube subscribers and around 60 people who regularly follow my blog. 😀 I used to have more followers, back when I was more assertively promoting my stuff. I learned that I don’t have the patience to deal with people like Neil, nor do I necessarily have the gift of charm or tact.

Mama Doctor Jones is a very appealing personality. She’s smart, attractive, funny, and empathic. No wonder people like her. Outliers like Neil, and their silly tweets, only make Mama Doctor Jones more popular. People love to stick up for sympathetic characters, and Dr. Jones is definitely someone who has an appealing message for MANY people. Sure, she’s for a woman’s right to choose abortion, but that only makes her a better doctor, in my view. Because she takes care of her patients, and when a pregnant person comes to her for help, they are the patient. I like that Mama Doctor Jones cares for people who have already been born. That’s the way it ought to be. And since Neil presumably has no need to see an OB-GYN, my opinion probably carries more weight than his does.

Anyway, I sure hope Neil is enjoying life among the clueless in whichever red state he’s dwelling in right now. I’m sure the rest of us who follow Mama Doctor Jones appreciate his consideration in taking himself out of our midsts. Neil’s tweets remind me of the below status update I saw on Facebook yesterday…

My response? BYE… Not gonna be able to deliver on that order of attention you wanted, Neil.

Standard
book reviews, religion

Repost: A review of Sacred Road: My Journey Through Abuse, Leaving the Mormons, and Embracing Spirituality…

And here is a repost of a book review I wrote on October 29, 2014. It appears here as/is.

Those of you who regularly read this blog– and I know there are a few of you– know that I enjoy reading “ex Mormon lit”.  I have a couple of huge lists of books I’ve already read and reviewed which I’ll link to at the end of this post.  I can’t say that every book about leaving Mormonism tempts me, but many of them do.  I especially enjoy reading books about missionary experiences since I was myself a Peace Corps Volunteer.  While the Peace Corps and a Mormon mission are not really the same things, strange experiences in exotic countries can be somewhat universally appealing.

Anyway, I just finished reading Todd Maxwell Preston’s 2013 book, Sacred Road: My Journey Through Abuse, Leaving the Mormons, and Embracing Spirituality.  This book was not about a Mormon mission experience.  I still found it interesting in a “Peace Corps” kind of way because Preston is not American.  He hails from New Zealand, a place I’ve been wanting to visit for a long time for the scenery and the wine alone! 

At the beginning of his book, Preston explains that his parents were not born Mormon; they were converts.  Preston was born March 7, 1973 in Hamilton, New Zealand, the fourth of ten children.  When he was six years old, his family moved to Utah for the first time.  As he grew up in his large Mormon Kiwi family, they would move back and forth from New Zealand to Utah several times.  As I read about the major moves Preston’s huge family made, I couldn’t help but think about the logistics of it. 

I have lived abroad four times in my life.  The first time, when my dad was transferred to England with the Air Force, I was too young to remember what went into making the move.  The next time, I went to Armenia– just me and a couple of suitcases.  Then there were two moves to Germany.  Each overseas move has been complicated and somewhat difficult, despite the fact that each time, there was a job to go to and logistical and financial support.  From what I gathered, Todd Preston’s family didn’t have that.  Perhaps it makes a difference if you have family to help you, but the cost alone would be daunting for family of Preston’s size.  And add in the fact that Preston and his siblings were school aged, I imagine it was a lot of upheaval and confusion for them, especially since one move to Utah lasted only a couple of months!

Making matters worse was the fact that Preston’s father was very abusive and Preston apparently wasn’t one of his favored children.  Consequently, he was treated very badly by his dad, who insisted that Preston adhere to the many strict tenets of Mormonism and used abusive methods to make sure he did.  I got the sense that Preston was a bit of a free spirit being forced to be a square peg in a round hole.

Preston went to school in Texas to become a chiropractor.  He was not the only one in his family to take this route.  Two brothers joined the profession before Preston did and they had a practice together in Utah.  Preston writes of marrying a good Mormon woman and quickly starting to have kids, perhaps before they were really ready for the job.  Though I got the sense that he dearly loves the four daughters he had with his first wife, I also got the sense that going to school, trying to establish a practice, and living with Mormonism was very difficult and stressful for Preston.  It was so difficult, that Preston finally had to let go of the church, along with his marriage and even his career. 

My thoughts

For the most part, I enjoyed reading Sacred Road.  Given that Mormonism is such an American religion, I was curious as to why it would be embraced by people who come from New Zealand.  I’m not sure Preston answered that question for me, but I did appreciate his very personal story of what growing up Mormon and Kiwi was like.  I wish Todd Preston had spent more time writing about his coming of age years and explained more as to why there were so many moves back and forth to New Zealand. 

Preston’s book seems to be mostly about his relationship with his father and how it affected him and less about Mormonism, although I do believe that Preston’s father used the church to abuse his son.  The fact that the church can be used in such a manner is why I dislike Mormonism as much as I do.  I know that many churches can be used in a similarly destructive way, but the Mormon church happened to personally affect me and, more importantly, my husband.  So I have a lot of empathy for people who have been damaged by it, even as I understand that many people grow up Mormon just fine and happily continue to embrace the belief system.  I think it’s great when people find a belief system that works for them, but I know that not every belief system works for every person… and I appreciate people who are brave enough to write about their experiences, especially when what they have to say isn’t positive. 

I notice that some reviewers have panned Sacred Road because they think Preston confuses his father’s abuse with church abuse.  It’s true that even if he hadn’t grown up Mormon, Preston very likely would have been abused by his father.  However, Mormonism made an effective tool for abuse, particularly since Preston’s dad seemed hellbent on rising through the ranks and attaining status and power within the church. 

While I’ve never been LDS, I have discovered through several different sources that it’s really hard to rise to the higher echelons of the church if you’re a convert, which Preston’s parents were.  But that doesn’t stop people from trying.  Mormons are expected to do a lot, give a lot, and pray, pay, and obey a lot.  Those who can’t or won’t get with the program are definitely subjected to pressure.  Add that to the stress of living with an abusive parent and you have a very difficult situation which leads to trouble down the road.  And indeed, Preston does write about his trouble– a failed marriage, a crisis of faith, temporarily losing his career and the financial stability that comes with that, and, I suspect, damaged relationships with his children and other family members.  The book ends before readers find out what’s at the end of Preston’s “sacred road”, though a note at the end of the book reads that he moved back to New Zealand, remarried, and had at least a couple more children.

I think Sacred Road could have been better than it is, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t like the book or get anything of value from Preston’s story.  I think it helps to know something about Mormonism before you read this, since I don’t think Preston really explains much about what Mormons believe, nor do I think he explains enough about why being Mormon factored into his journey.  Overall, I would recommend this book to interested readers.

As an Amazon Associate, I get a small commission from Amazon on sales made through my site.

Standard
book reviews, religion

Reviewing Sins of the Father: The Long Shadow of a Religious Cult by Fleur Beale

Alright… so I’ve had my nap and finally finished Fleur Beale’s fascinating book, Sins of the Father: The Long Shadow of a Religious Cult. Neville Cooper, who died of cancer at age 92 in 2018, was the founder of the Gloriavale Christian Community currently located on the West Coast of New Zealand. Many people regard the Gloriavale Christian Community as a religious cult. I had not heard of it until recently, when I got a message from a lawyer in New Zealand who invited me to write about it. This book, originally published in 2009, is about Phil Cooper, one of the sons of Neville Cooper, and his first wife, Gloria.

I recently reviewed Daughter of Gloriavale, which was written by Lilia Tarawa, one of Neville Cooper’s granddaughters and one of Phil Cooper’s nieces. Before I get going too far into this review, I have to explain something. Due to a revelation Neville Cooper got from God, he later went by the name “Hopeful Christian”. Many of his followers have also changed their original names, mostly to adjectives that describe a “Christlike” quality. For instance, Neville has children named Hope, Faith, Miracle, and Charity. Lilia Tarawa is one of Miracle’s daughters. Sins of the Father is about Phil Cooper, who is Lilia’s uncle, and six of the children he had with his first wife, Sandy, who was later renamed Prayer. Sandy/Prayer also has another daughter by Phil. Her name is Cherish, and at the time the book was published, Phil had never met her in person. Phil also has a daughter named Jess by his second wife.

Phil Cooper was born in Australia in 1962. His parents moved him and his then ten siblings to New Zealand in 1967, when he was five years old. At the time, Neville Cooper was a traveling preacher who had developed a following and was invited to speak around the country. However, his teachings were at odds with mainstream Christianity. He was considered a fundamentalist. So Cooper decided to start his own community at Haupiri, located on New Zealand’s West Coast. He eventually named the community Gloriavale, in honor of his first wife, Gloria, who had predeceased him by many years. At this writing, several hundred people still live in Gloriavale. The women wear long blue dresses with white headdresses. The men wear blue shirts and blue trousers. The women of the community do what’s commonly considered traditional women’s work– cooking, cleaning, childcare, teaching, and the like. The men work in Gloriavale’s businesses or do manual labor such as farming or construction.

As he got older, Phil Cooper decided he wanted to leave Gloriavale. He chafed under his father’s oppressive rules, as well as his narcissistic and controlling behaviors. When he was sixteen years old, Phil ran away from Gloriavale, eventually landing in Australia. He had nothing, but managed with help from kind strangers. At one point, having landed in Brisband, he met Mormon missionaries who helped him out by giving him a ride. He ended up converting to the LDS religion, knowing that his father would disown him if he knew. Neville Cooper considered Mormonism as “false religion”. But as a sixteen year old, free from the compound, Neville wasn’t that worried about temporarily being Mormon. He bought himself a tape player, something that was forbidden in Gloriavale, and became familiar with the contemporary music of the late 1970s. Eventually, he was tracked down by his sister, Charity, who tried to talk him into coming home. Although he didn’t want to go home, he realized he missed his family, and he returned to Gloriavale to face his father.

When he first arrived home, Phil’s father welcomed him and he was allowed to return to his apprenticeship. But being on his own had given Phil a bit of an attitude that Neville didn’t like. Phil wore a watch, which Neville considered “worldly”, and he didn’t like that the young man had a tape player and listened to worldly music. So Phil was subjected to his father’s discipline. There he sat in Neville’s room, where 25 to 30 of the community’s men were also gathered. Neville severely chastised his son, demanding that he change his name because he didn’t want to be associated with him. Neville took Phil’s beloved watch and smashed it. Phil didn’t react, so his father got his mother and sisters to lay on the guilt, pressuring Phil to give in to his father’s demands for compliance and obedience.

Neville tried to threaten Phil with stories about how terrifying and dangerous the world was, but Phil had just come from the world, so he knew it wasn’t true. Then Neville told him that God would do terrible things to him and he would die a gruesome death if he didn’t repent. Finally, after hours of berating and extreme pressure, Phil cracked because he was exhausted. And then he took that precious tape player that he bought in Australia and threw it on the floor, breaking it. Meanwhile, Phil’s older sister, Faith, and her husband, Alan, had decided to leave Gloriavale with their five children. Like Phil, they found the community’s rules stifling. Moreover, Neville Cooper was a sexual deviant, who dictated just about everything in his followers’ lives, from who they were allowed to marry, to what they named their children, to what they wore and ate. Unlike Phil, Faith and Alan were successful in leaving permanently the first time they left.

For awhile, after he ran away, Phil became an obedient, model son, working very hard to win his father’s approval. In 1981, he decided he wanted to marry a young woman named Sandy, so he asked his father’s permission and Neville agreed. Phil was 18 and Sandy was 21 when they got married. They had plenty of time to make many children, so that’s what they did. Neville constantly reminded his followers of the importance of being Godly and obedient. However, he and the other men of the community used pornography. Young women who put on weight were forced to fast and were verbally abused. Sandy was fondled by Neville, and some of the girls in the community were forced to join the elders in hot tubs. Children grew up living in one room with their parents and witnessing them having sex.

Neville also believed that once girls hit puberty, they were ready to be married and start having babies. Pregnancy was an opportunity for the women not to work as hard, since they were allowed to rest more when they were having babies. Children in the community were involved with overseeing births, most of which took place at home, unless there were medical issues. Childbirth was considered totally natural and something that should not take place in a hospital unless there was a medical need.

In 1995, Neville Cooper went to prison for about a year on sexual abuse charges. His son, Phil, and some of the girls who had fled the community testified against him. His followers remained steadfast in their loyalty to their leader.

Before long, Phil Cooper was once again at odds with his father’s strict rules and abusive methods. When he was 27 years old, with help from a couple of his brothers, Phil left Gloriavale for good. At the time, he had five children between the ages of eight and sixteen months. After he left, he was told by a community elder that he would no longer have any communication with his children. Phil was heartbroken, so he decided to abduct his children, and his wife, Sandy. Again, he was able to pull off his plan with help from a couple of his brothers. Phil and his family eventually landed in the United States, where Sandy gave birth to Phil’s sixth child, a boy named Andreas. Sandy was never happy outside of Gloriavale, though. She went back twice, despite Phil’s protests, because she didn’t think she could live a Godly life without being in the Gloriavale community. After the second time, Sandy stayed, and later granted him a divorce.

But unbeknownst to Phil, when she left him the second time, Sandy was pregnant with his seventh child. He did not know about his daughter, Cherish, until she was much older, and at the time this book was published, had never seen her in person. One of his other daughters, Dawn, also willingly went back to the compound. The rest remain happily outside of Gloriavale. They have been able to go back a couple of times, but with every visit, there is both the pressure to stay and conform to the community’s culty standards, and careful minding of their visit so that they don’t influence anyone else to leave.

Phil and the other children eventually left the United States, having spent some time in the Hutterite Community in Minnesota. One of his children, Andreas, was named after one of the Hutterites who helped Phil. That group was apparently a much nicer one and more Christlike, and they treated Phil and his family with kindness. But they needed to go home and be closer to their family. So Phil and his kids moved to Australia, even though Andreas, having been born in the USA, was an American citizen. They had to get him Australian citizenship.

My thoughts

Fleur Beale has done a fine job with Phil Cooper’s exciting and amazing story of escaping his father’s cult. She’s a good writer, and her style is engaging and interesting. I liked that she included photos, some of which are in color, and is careful to explain some of the more complicated aspects of this story.

Oddly enough, aspects of this story and some of the methods used to get Phil to comply with his father’s wishes reminded me a lot of my husband Bill’s ex wife’s methods. One of the ways Neville would get his children to fall in line was to get other family members to put pressure on them and employ abusive methods like shunning, lovebombing, and group or family pressure. Bill’s ex wife also does this. Younger daughter has said that when she left home, her sisters would call or email her, berating her for being on a “high horse” or being “prideful” and telling her she should humble herself. Incidentally, when Bill was freshly divorced and leaving Mormonism, younger daughter also accused him of being “prideful”. Ex resorted to extreme measures to get her way and always punishes anyone who goes against her wishes. Neville Cooper was like that, too.

Neville Cooper/Hopeful Christian is often described as a very charismatic narcissist. Everything had to be done under his conditions; it was his way or the highway. Bill’s ex wife is the same way, and he has described her as “charismatic”– the type of person who can sell ice to Eskimos. Or, at least she can if they are unaware of the type of person she is.

Neville Cooper sounds like he was the same way, controlling and convincing people to do everything in exactly the way he wanted it done. A wide variety of abuses were employed to keep everyone in line, to include ostracizing members of the community. It’s no wonder Phil Cooper couldn’t stand it anymore. He recognizes that he has some of his father’s qualities, too, although he does his best to temper them. The children who left the compound with him are grateful that he got them out, even though they had to grow up without their mother. Neville Cooper was addicted to power, and he was ruthless in his quests to get it.

This is an excellent book about Gloriavale, and a young man who decided to risk everything to escape it, even though his father was the leader of the cult. Phil Cooper’s story is very interesting, and I think Fleur Beale has done well in writing the tale. I would definitely recommend Sins of the Father: The Long Shadow of a Religious Cult to anyone who is interested in learning more about this community, especially if it’s paired with other books about Gloriavale. It really is an interesting cult– and a reminder that the United States is not the only place where dangerous and charismatic leaders get into power and enslave people.

As an Amazon Associate, I get a small commission from Amazon on sales made through my site.

Standard