celebrities, music, narcissists, obits

“I just want something I can never have…”

It’s a rainy Sunday morning here in Germany. Bill is getting ready to leave for another TDY trip to Bavaria. I’m sitting here contemplating how I’m going to fill the next ten days or so. I’m hoping to be in the mood to make some music, since we’re going to go on a trip and I’ll be AFK for awhile. Not that anybody notices when I don’t post YouTube videos… but since I’ve been posting regularly lately, I’d like to keep doing that, for as long as I’m able. I enjoy making the videos, and some people seem to like them.

I’ve also started reading Britney Spears’ book, and I expect I’ll cruise through it rather quickly. I’m not a Britney fan, in terms of her music or movies. I think she’s talented, though, and she has an interesting story. I can’t say she’s a great writer, but no one can be good at everything, right? Anyway, I look forward to writing a review of her book, The Woman in Me. I have a lot of sympathy for her. I grew up with an alcoholic father, too.

I was sorry to hear about the passing of Richard Moll, who played Bull Shannon on Night Court in the 80s. He was 80 years old, though, so it’s not like his death was tragic. I almost renamed Noyzi after Bull… they are somewhat similar in nature. I decided not to, because Noyzi had already been through so much in his life, and he knows his name so well.

I woke this morning to read about Matthew Perry’s sudden death. I do think his passing is tragic; however, after reading and reviewing his memoir last December, I’m not at all surprised that he’s dead. He had some very serious drug and alcohol problems that led to devastating health issues. I know the news reported that it looks like he drowned, but I suspect he had some kind of catastrophic medical event that caused the drowning. It’s just too bad that he was apparently alone when it happened, so there was no one who could even try to help him. I’m sure we’ll learn more about what happened in the coming days. He was much too young to die. Maybe it’s time I watched Friends. I never did when it was popular. His book was just released on November 1, 2022. Less than a year later, he’s dead. 🙁

In my review of Perry’s book, I wrote this as my final paragraph. I pretty much called it, didn’t I?

I’m glad that Perry knows he has a problem and is working on fixing it. I’m even happier to know that he realizes what excessive drug and alcohol use has cost him, on so many levels– from girlfriends (or potential wives, which he’s said he’s always wanted), to the chance to have children, to millions of dollars of his money, to his health. I understand that he has an illness, and that being an addict doesn’t inherently make him a bad person, even if it can cause him to act in ways that are disappointing, dangerous, or deranged. I feel empathy for him… but I think I feel even more for those who love him. And I wouldn’t call this book a triumph, either, because he hasn’t been sober for very long, at this writing. So we’ll see what happens. I do wish him the best, and I hope this time, sobriety works for him. Otherwise, he could be among the celebrity deaths we’ll read about in 2023 or 2024…

Kinda eerie, right?

Moving on… about today’s post title…

Back in 1988, the world was introduced to Nine Inch Nails courtesy of the album, Pretty Hate Machine. I didn’t discover this album myself until I was a college freshman in 1990. I ended up really liking it. There was a song on there that especially resonated, especially when I was feeling depressed. The song is called “Something I Can Never Have.”

I won’t lie. As a much older woman today, I still relate to this song… I’ll bet a lot of people do.

Below are the lyrics…

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head ’til I don’t want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then, I couldn’t do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on and tell me!

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

Source: Musixmatch

Was Trent Reznor singing about another person? Or was he singing about himself? I read on SongMeanings.com that the song was about an ex girlfriend, but I can see how it could also be a song about himself. I can’t say that as a young woman, I had too much unrequited love. I did have some crushes, but it’s not like I had boyfriends. Even the guys I crushed on weren’t people I had super deep feelings for. Still, this song resonated with me. Maybe it was the melody, which is haunting and serious. Maybe it’s the way Trent sings the song, with angry emotion and profound disappointment.

That’s how I felt about myself a lot of the time, when I was really young. Nowadays, I don’t feel quite that terrible. I haven’t felt that terrible since before I took Wellbutrin and got my brain chemicals sorted. I still experience depression, but not like I used to– and I don’t cry as much as I used to. I do get angry, though, and sometimes I feel disappointed, even though I have a pretty nice life.

I reflect on Matthew Perry’s life and death. He was a man who was very blessed– lots of talent, money, good looks, success, friends, Friends, and beautiful women in his life. But he also endured his share of bad times and crises, and he was an addict. I don’t know what drove his need to keep abusing substances, nor do I know if he was sober when he died yesterday. But there was something deep inside of him that drove him to numb himself with substances– to extreme levels. He was supposedly sober last year, when he released his book. I’d be interested in knowing if he was sober this year, too. It just goes to show you that sometimes even people who appear to be hugely blessed can be tragically alone… as Perry apparently was when his assumed accidental drowning happened.

I was inspired to write this post by something dumb Ex posted on Twitter. Someone had posted a picture of Outlander actor, Sam Heughan, under an umbrella at the beach on a sunny day. I don’t watch Outlander myself, and I don’t care a whit about Sam Heughan. But Ex is a super fan, and she follows a bunch of people on Twitter who are also fans. Sometimes, she comments on the crap they post.

The person who shared the photo of Sam Heughan wrote, “I wonder who’s holding the camera? Or is it any of my business? Not really!” and hashtagged the actor. And Ex, in her usual dipshit way, posted this:

Freudenfreude? Really, Ex?

I was curious about the concept of Freudenfreude, since I had never heard of it before today. I thought maybe it was something she had fabricated. But, no… actually, there is such a thing as Freudenfreude. The New York Times even wrote an article about it last year. Somehow, I missed this stunning piece of journalism, even though I’m a longtime subscriber. Not surprisingly, Freudenfreude is the opposite of Schadenfreude, which is the unexpected happiness at the misfortune of others. Freudenfreude means finding pleasure in other people’s successes and good fortune.

Ex doesn’t have an altruistic or generous bone in her body. She just posts this crap for all the strangers she hopes to impress on social media. If Ex were the type of person who could experience Freudenfreude, she would never have abused and neglected her family members the way she has. My husband would not have literal and figurative scars from his time with her. My husband’s daughter would not have nightmares about having to deal with her mother.

This shit is just a facade Ex puts out there, complete with an @ or a hashtag, to prop up her image to the unaware. She’s always got feelers out for new victims who can give her the fuel she craves. This is what narcissists do, and Ex, I strongly believe, is a narcissist. She draws people in with love bombing, tries to get them under control, then inevitably discards them when they can’t fulfill her endless needs. After she discards them, she blames them for everything that went wrong.

I do indulge in an ironic laugh, though, thinking about Ex being “happy” for Sam Heughan, having something she can never have. I’m sure whenever she thinks about the men of her past– especially Bill– she might relate to a song like “Something I Can Never Have”. And when she can’t have something, she paints it black. Ex could have had a really nice life with Bill, if she weren’t a narcissist. But, I guess she can’t help it… nor can she hide what’s inside.

I also know that even if she had what Sam has, it would never be enough for her. Just like everything Matthew Perry had wasn’t enough for him… although I don’t know if Perry was a narcissist. He was definitely an addict, though, and addicts have some similarities to narcissists. But addicts can be rehabilitated if they’re willing… narcissists, I fear, can’t be rehabilitated.

So even if Ex someday has the chance to sit under a yellow umbrella at the beach, with money, fame, and plenty of adoring fans, she’ll still covet whatever else she thinks might possibly fill her empty soul. Like any addict, she always wants more.

I don’t believe Ex is capable of “Freudenfreude”, but I do think that if she spent less time reading about gimmicky psychobabble concepts and tweeting at celebrities, and more time working to pay off her debts and improve her finances, she might get closer to living the dream. It will never happen, though. So I guess she’s doomed to gaze with envy at people who have something she can never have. I’m definitely not buying her claim of reveling in Heughan’s success. Not that it matters.

Anyway, time to wrap up this post. Gotta see if we can carve jack o’lanterns before Bill goes off to Bavaria again. Have a nice Sunday.

divorce, LDS, mental health, narcissists, psychology

You CAN’T cross a narcissist’s chasm! It’s just a mirage!

Here’s another very personal post from yours truly. It’s not for people who don’t want to read deep thoughts. I’m sharing this, because I know there are a lot of people out there who are struggling in narcissistic relationships. I hope this offers some insight to those who are hurting.

Mood music for this piece…

This morning, Bill brought up some imagery he’s often used when he talks about his relationship with his narcissistic ex wife. He said that he imagined his ex wife on one side of a chasm with everyone else he loved– his kids, his ex stepson, extended family members, church people, and even his parents. And he was on the other side of the chasm, standing there all alone and miserable. Ex encouraged him to come over the chasm to join his loved ones. He could do that by changing into whatever her image of the perfect man was. Only if he did that, would he ever be able to join his loved ones on the other side of the chasm. But she was happy for him to keep trying to reach that goal, and she would always encourage him to try, even though it was an impossible feat.

After some wasted time spent trying to cross the divide, Bill finally wisely understood that if he’d ever actually crossed the chasm, he would cease to be who he is. Who he is, is not a bad person. Ex had made some unreasonable demands that he dance to her tune. She wanted him to seek counseling from an LDS bishop for his “hatred of women” (which doesn’t now, and never has existed). He refused to do it. In retrospect, he was wise not to agree to counseling with the bishop, since LDS bishops are not usually trained counselors. They’re unpaid laypeople who have professional jobs. He could have wound up spilling his guts to an accountant. Besides, he’s neither a pervert, nor a misogynist. Having been his wife for almost 19 years, I can attest to that fact.

Ex subsequently demanded a divorce, while the family was visiting Bill’s father and stepmother. The timing of her demand was surely done on purpose. She probably figured that asking for a divorce at the home of Bill’s dad and stepmother would make Bill think twice about agreeing to the split. She may have been thinking that he would acquiesce and do her bidding in order to save their marriage for eternity. I’m sure it was driven home that they were not on neutral territory when she made her demand. She later said that she’d been wanting to drive Bill to “rock bottom”, and show him what he was going to be giving up. I think Ex probably needs to work on her threats. A marriage to someone who deliberately sabotages their partners, attempts to shame and humiliate them in front of others, and tells bald faced lies about their characters is not exactly a prize worth anything.

The fact that the divorce stunt was carried out at Easter has always struck me as weirdly symbolic and prophetic. It was as if Bill finally got the opportunity to resurrect his life before it was too late. But then, Bill did something Ex never thought he’d do.

When Ex presented Bill with divorce papers, fully expecting him to cave and agree to her demands, he took her completely by surprise and agreed to divorce, instead. Ex was devastated, because she’d only meant to regain control of Bill. Bill was making responsible adult decisions like going back into the Army and doing work he was qualified for, and would be well paid to do, instead of working in crappy factory shift jobs. Ex knew the Army would, once again, trump her decisions about where they should live, and when Bill would be working. She didn’t want to surrender to that lifestyle again, because she wanted to be in control of everything. To regain control, Ex took some desperate and regrettable measures that ended up backfiring, as many of her harebrained schemes do in the long run.

First, Ex tried to convince Bill that he was a bad person with misogynistic tendencies. I think she knew damned well it wasn’t the truth. The truth is, Bill is kind and generous to a fault. He doesn’t have an abusive bone in his body. Ex, on the other hand, is very abusive. So she just projected herself onto Bill– yet another illusion. Maybe she should have been named Doug Henning! Like all narcissists, she’s a master at creating smoke and mirrors that confuse her targets and distorts their perceptions so that they see things inaccurately.

When Ex suggested that Bill was an abuser, it horrified him. Bill worked hard to prove to her that he wasn’t that person, even though they both knew he’s not abusive. I suspect that Ex was both repulsed and turned on by the way Bill reacted to the idea that he was a monster and his subsequent desperation to prove to her otherwise. I’m sure one part of her wished he would have taken a stand. But the other part of her probably realized that he’d let her change the narrative, and this could be a powerful point of control for her. When he didn’t settle down and give up the idea of going back into the Army, Ex got more desperate. That was when she decided to haul in the big guns and throw out the “D” word– knowing full well that Bill’s parents’ divorce had been very painful for him. She figured he would do anything to avoid a divorce from her and be separated from his children.

Ex never actually meant to end their marriage. At least not at that point. She just wanted to be in control again, and maybe somehow get Bill to change his mind about being in the Army. Or maybe she just wanted to punish and humiliate him for taking back some control over his own life. How dare he?! Either way, if she managed to convince Bill that he was “sick”, damaged, and abusive, and that she was the only woman who would accept him, he would stay with her and never let anyone or anything supersede her authority, including the Army.

This “divorce” stunt, which was supposed to make Bill desperate to appease Ex, had instead forced her into a situation that caused a severe narcissistic injury. She couldn’t backpedal when he said “yes” to her divorce proposal, because that would make the narcissistic injury and subsequent humiliation even worse. So she was forced to ride with Bill on the drive to the notary she’d lined up on Easter morning. It was not the outcome she’d ever expected or wanted. She thought she knew him, but there was still a part of him that he’d kept for himself. I think that’s the part of the situation that upset her the most. All this time, she thought she owned him, not realizing that there was still a little part of him that she didn’t know. I’m sure it enraged her that he’d done the unexpected.

Of course, being a narcissist, Ex only thought she knew Bill. Narcissists never take the time to really get to know anyone. They think they’re special and gifted, so why would they take the time to get to know someone’s heart? The reality is, she really only knew Bill on a superficial level. But she was convinced she had him pegged, and she was certain she knew how he was going to react in that situation. She thought that asking for a divorce while they visited family would pressure Bill into agreeing with her that he’s a monster and a pervert. It turns out Bill has much more self-respect and dignity than she ever realized. She didn’t know, and it was painfully obvious… and in the end, she lost big time.

I’ve heard Bill tell the story about feeling like he was standing alone at a chasm many times. This morning, something new occurred to me. I started thinking about all of the other people in Ex’s life. I have never met Ex in person, but I’ve talked to many people who have known her. She uniformly leaves a lot of angry, confused, and hurt people in her wake. I’ve done enough research about narcissists, and experienced enough of their shit myself, that it dawned on me that Bill must not have been the only one who felt alone and isolated from loved ones.

I suddenly realized that most of those people probably felt the same way Bill did, standing alone on the edge of the chasm, staring longingly at all of their loved ones beckoning them to come over the chasm to join the narcissist’s team. That means that the reality of the situation was, Ex was the one who was alone at the chasm.

Bill was never alone. He was standing there with all of the other people who were being pressured to dance to Ex’s tune and were never quite “good enough” to hang out in the fantasy world. But all of those people had, like Bill, been carefully trained not to ever talk to anyone about how they were feeling. They all had tunnel vision, and were completely unaware that she had a slew of people gazing across the chasm at her fantasy world.

I looked at Bill and blurted out, “She had you fooled. You weren’t standing alone on the chasm. She was. She was the one staring longingly at all of the people on the other side, wanting to join them. But instead of trusting people, being genuinely loving and caring, and making them want to join her because she’s truly a good person, she used lies, threats, manipulation, and devaluation to isolate her victims and make them think they’re alone.”

I am willing to bet that if Bill asked some of Ex’s other victims if they ever felt like they were standing alone at a chasm, more than one of them would say they did. If at least one other person felt like Bill did, that means he wasn’t alone. There were others there with him.

Much like the late Doug Henning was, Ex is a master of illusion… and she also has a similar hairstyle.

The narcissist is very good at convincing people that he or she is the “good one”, who has everyone’s approval. The victims are “bad” and standing alone at the chasm, desperate to make it to the party. But the reality is, it’s not the victims who are alone. Narcissists usually have many victims, and they make every single one of them feel like they’re alone. The truth is, it’s the narcissist who’s alone, and desperately trying to connect. They create a fantasy mirage that looks appealing to their confused and traumatized victims, who are made to feel like they have to cross the chasm. But crossing is impossible.

Narcissists are never actually satisfied, and always keep their prey at an arm’s length. They’re always keeping their victims fighting to be acceptable, and narcissists have ways of making their victims think they’re worthy of the battle. But the reality is, no matter what the victims do, they’re never quite good enough to join the narcissist’s party on the other side of the fissure. They can’t ever be good enough, because they can’t be the narcissist’s equal.

A narcissist who accepts a victim as having finally done enough to appease them can no longer be in control. Losing control is DEATH to the narcissist, so they’ll always move the goalposts. You will never be good enough for them, and if you don’t wise up and end the relationship, you will die trying to appease them. Or you will lose yourself and become a shell of who you were meant to be. You CAN’T cross the chasm. You can only keep chasing the dream, which is just an illusion… a mirage.

The narcissist makes crossing that chasm seem so attractive. It may even look like it’s easy. All anyone has to do is make the narcissist happy and do what they want. Then they can join the party and be happy with the narcissist, who will finally stop being so mean, critical, and dictatorial. But that will never happen. There’s too much value in the narcissist keeping people wanting what they can’t have. So that chasm will forever remain uncrossed… but it’s really just a mirage, anyway, and probably about as enjoyable as Mormon Heaven is.

The sad thing is, narcissists have a knack for zeroing in on a person’s deepest insecurities and exploiting them for their own gain. They’re masters at triangulating their victims, using other people to present false narratives that make them think they are damaged and at risk of being alone. At the same time, like any garden variety abuser, narcissists isolate their victims, discouraging them from comparing notes while encouraging them to take sides and keep secrets. And so, the victims think they’re alone. But they’re not alone… and they can’t ever get across the chasm. So there’s no use trying. Instead of fighting for something you can never have, it’s better to find (or build) a bridge and get over it.

So ends today’s sermon. Go forth and enjoy your Sunday!