music, narcissists, social media

“I hope you know that I’ve had the time of my life raising you…”

My Saturday got started very early today. I woke up at about 4 AM, needing to take care of business. It took some time for me to fall back to sleep, so I read some more of my latest book. I miss the days when I could zip through books with ease, but I’m afraid they might be gone forever. Either I have trouble seeing the print, or I fall asleep!

I did manage to make some good progress this morning, though. I guess the best time of day for me to try to read books is when I’ve just woken up, as long as I’m not still sleepy. And anyway, as the sun rose this morning, I did wind up snoozing for a bit longer. I had a nice, vivid, colorful dream, too.

Bill has to go away next week, so I’ll be home alone. I may try to record some more songs. I did a song yesterday, in honor of Tony Bennett, who finally passed the bar at age 96. I heard “Because of You”, his duet with k.d. lang, the other day for the very first time. I enjoyed it, and thought I’d like to try it. So I downloaded the tracks, including one that has a male singer.

But then yesterday, when I heard that he’d died, I decided to try Tony’s solo version, which I successfully recorded within about an hour. I changed the key. It might not be the best key for me these days, as my soprano range grows more reclusive. I tend to do best when I stick to one part of my range– either in my head, soprano, or down in the chest, alto. This key is just at the edge of both vocal landscapes. Still, I’m rather pleased with this song.

Maybe if I’d spent two hours on it, it would be better…

There was a wine stand last night, but we opted to stay home. It looked like it might rain, plus I just didn’t feel like hanging around a bunch of other people. Talking with Bill over dinner and libations often means deep discussions, and as he was putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, I remembered a conversation he had with his daughter when he visited her.

Younger daughter had taken note of how happy Bill was to help her when he stopped in to see her in Utah, last time he had business in the States. He was helping her cook, and wash and dry the dishes, all without being requested to help, and without complaint. Something dawned on younger daughter when she said, “When you were married to my mother, you did all the work, didn’t you?”

And Bill said, “Pretty much.”

Younger daughter said, “I knew it. Whenever she comes here to visit, she basically sits on the couch with her phone and complains. She never helps.”

That led them to have a conversation about what Bill’s daughters were expected to do when they were growing up. I believe younger daughter when she says that they both did all of the cooking and cleaning, and more than once, Ex took their money to pay for things for the house. Younger daughter specifically mentioned giving up birthday money to pay for her younger sister’s diapers. Given that she is about ten years older than her sister is, that would mean that her mother took money from a child to pay for something that was solely her responsibility to buy.

There have been other stories, of course. I’m sure there are quite a few we haven’t even heard yet, but there have been enough that we kind of know that childhood wasn’t a lark for Bill’s daughters. Ex often wasn’t even satisfied with their efforts to help her. She acts like motherhood was a dream experience for her, and yet anyone who knows her offline, knows that she has often had complaints, even when her children were being dutiful and attentive.

The girls would wash and fold her laundry and put it on her bed, and she’d tell them they should put her clothes away for her. They’d cobble together a hot dinner with whatever food was in the house, and she’d throw a tantrum and refuse to eat what they’d cooked. And even when younger daughter got married, on the night of her wedding, Ex was calling her on the phone, wanting her to come to the hotel and play in the pool with her, instead of spending her first married night alone with her new husband.

Because Bill was once married to Ex, and was treated in much the same way– like her servant– he knew his daughter was being truthful about her experiences. He’d been through most of the same treatments, and sometimes even worse. Now, those shared memories of being at Ex’s behest is a source of bonding for them, although most of the time, they talk about much happier things, like food and the grandkids.

Bill’s daughters were pretty seriously parentified, meaning they were expected to meet their mother’s needs when they were still children. My guess is that all of Ex’s children, save for her youngest, who has “severe autism”, are parentified to an extent. They were there to “parent” their mother, rather than be parented by her. Making matters worse is that she really doesn’t allow much input from her children’s fathers, who mostly spent their time working to support Ex and her many expensive habits.

So… seeing that she’s posted the above meme on social media makes me think she’s living in delusion… or she just wants to promote a facade. She never was one much for actually “raising” children. That was pretty much left for her older kids to do. Older daughter is 32 years old and still lives with her mother, in part, because she doesn’t trust her mother to take proper care of her brother– Ex’s youngest child.

I’m sure, on some level, Ex has had the “time of her life” having those kids. Because they’ve been like little servants for her, serving her as if she’s a queen bee. She wants to be waited on and adored, even if she hasn’t necessarily done much to deserve either.

She’s also constantly looking for shortcuts to getting what she wants. That means trying to engage strangers on the Internet, including celebrities. Looking on her Quora account, I noticed a few things…

Two very telling questions she’s asked:

Which is better, Credit Settlement through a litigation firm, Credit Consolidation through an NPO, or bankruptcy… if you are unable to get creditors to work with you to lower payments enough?

I’m surprised she doesn’t already know the answer to this question. I know for a fact that she’s had at least one bankruptcy and, according to younger daughter, had a couple more after the one she had with Bill.

And…

Where can I get funding for an autism service dog’s training? It will cost approximately $10k USD.

I guess she eventually gave up on the autism service dog idea. Good thing, too, if she’s considering declaring bankruptcy again.

But then, she posted this in May 2023:

I live in the states. My family is from Scotland and Ireland and England. I want to come ‘home’ and regain a place as a citizen of the UK. I want to work with the foundation set up to improve the lives of children… set up by the Prince and Princess of Wales. Long live the King.

Lofty goals, indeed. But she’s not actually an altruistic person, nor does she even enjoy taking care of her own children, let alone other people’s children. I suspect she sees children as easy targets for her manipulative bullshit. And her own children… bless their hearts! They’ll always be extensions of her, and she’ll always be keeping a scorecard, expecting them to pay her back for basic things that all parents are supposed to provide for their children.

Anyway… she’ll never change, so there’s no call for outrage or surprise. But it sure is interesting to watch this crap from afar… and thank goodness Bill’s daughters are grown now. I wish we could have had them together, instead. Ah well. At least I think the grandkids will have a better time. Younger daughter is a wonderful, attentive, appropriate mom to her children. That’s a skill she definitely didn’t learn from her own mother.

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narcissists, politicians, politics, Twitter

Talking a good game again…

Another Labor Day has come and gone… and we didn’t do much of anything. Historically, Bill and I would go on a short trip for the last official summer weekend. But in 2019, we lost our Zane over Labor Day weekend and were in mourning. In 2020 and 2021, we had the damned pandemic to deal with. In 2022, we still have the pandemic, and were too late to book accommodations for our dogs so we could go see the dentist in Stuttgart. So our next trip is scheduled for the end of the month. Hopefully nothing will screw up our plans, but just in case, I purchased “cancel for any reason” travel insurance, because the hotel I booked in the Black Forest is kind of a special, and expensive, place. It will soften the blow of visiting the dentist, who is very good at his job, but sometimes winds me up.

Bill had to go out of town this morning, and he will be gone until Friday. On Friday, he will take our Arran to the vet, because I suspect he may need some help with his hormones. Or, at least I hope that’s what’s causing him to act kind of weird lately. Recently, Arran seems to be kind of lethargic… sleeping a lot, slow to eat his food in the mornings, and just kind of “off”. I don’t think he’s really sick, but he’s about 13 or 14 years old, which makes him an old guy, and it may be time to see if he has hypothyroidism or something like that. He’s gained significant weight over the past year or so, and I don’t think they’re just pandemic pounds. I once had a dog with hypothyroidism, and a little daily medication fixed her right up. I also correctly diagnosed it in a former friend’s dog. We’ll see what happens. The boys are both getting dentals this month, too, which will be a good thing, especially for Noyzi. It will be his first time, and he really needs it.

Yesterday, Bill was talking to me about how some Republicans think we should rewrite the Constitution, no doubt to suit their agendas. Just hearing about that made me feel depressed. I’ve about had it with the constant upset the country has been going through over the past few years. I’m especially tired of so-called “Christians” claiming that no one who believes in Jesus would vote for Democrats. From what I learned about Jesus as a churchgoer, Jesus would have been a total blue voter.

What is especially distressing, though, is watching the comments from poseurs, like my husband’s former spouse. I have mentioned before that, on the surface, we are in political agreement. However, I know something about her and how she actually behaves when she’s offline. So it’s kind of jarring when she tweets things like this:

To be clear… what she says regarding MAGA politics makes plenty of sense to me. I actually agree with her 100 percent. BUT… I also know that her behavior toward my husband and his family has been anything but Christlike. I know that for all of her “pretty words”, she is actually a very cruel and hateful person. She talks a good game, but when it comes down to it, what she says and types is complete bullshit. And, I guess, knowing this about her, and seeing what other people put out there, makes me wonder about other people. How many people are full of shit? I’d like to think her level of delusion is rare. But is it?

This is a woman who denied my perfectly decent husband access to his own children, simply because he stopped letting her control his life. She denied her children access to things they needed for success in life. She raised her kids to think they owe her, which I suspect, has led to my husband’s daughter being overly concerned about “burdening” people. In fairness, younger daughter might come by this tendency honestly, since Bill is kind of the same way. However, I know that both Bill and his daughters were “parentified”, in that when they were growing up, they were expected to be much more mature and responsible than their years, and be a “parent” instead of a developing child.

According to Psychology Today, there are fourteen signs that a person was “parentified” when they were growing up. Here they are:

Signs that you were parentified as a child

  1. Grew up feeling like you had to be responsible
  2. Trouble with play or “letting loose”
  3. Like to feel in control
  4. Pulled into arguments or issues between caregivers
  5. Felt like you were given responsibilities that were not appropriate for someone your age
  6. Often compliments for being “so good” and “so responsible”
  7. May feel that being self-reliant is better than trying to trust others
  8. Don’t really remember “being a kid”
  9. Parents had trouble caring for themselves or others and placed the responsibility on you
  10. Often find yourself becoming a caregiver for others
  11. Being a caretaker feels good, even when you are sacrificing parts of yourself
  12. Heightened sense of empathy and an ability to more closely connect with others
  13. Feel like you need to be the peacemaker
  14. Feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated

I haven’t spent much time with younger daughter myself, but I have spent the past twenty years with Bill. And to me, this list is pretty much spot on about how he behaves. He’s told me that younger daughter has expressed concern that she’s “burdening” Bill. While a little of that is understandable, given that they’re having to rebuild their relationship, he’s still her father. He wants to help her, and he knows a lot about what she’s experienced, because he’s experienced it, too.

I was there to see my husband try to reason with his ex wife. I saw him cry many times, because he was so distraught over the loss of his children. I was there when he told me about the scars a doctor noticed on a private part of his body, put there by Ex. Bill was much too embarrassed to explain how he got the scars. He didn’t even tell me about them until we’d been married for many years. I watched as he recovered from years of abuse at her hands. Now we’re hearing about what happened after the divorce, and a lot of it is very disturbing.

I was there when Bill was a Mormon, having adopted the faith at Ex’s behest, then watching it being used to alienate him from his children. Now, it seems that Ex has mostly abandoned Mormonism, except for when she wants or needs something. Being LDS ended up blowing up in Ex’s face on many different levels. First, she wasn’t able to get her sealing canceled so she could be sealed to #3. And then, her daughter got help from church members when she decided to escape her mother’s clutches.

And yet, there Ex is on Twitter, acting like she’s the voice of reason, telling off some stranger and claiming to be a “devout Christian”, preaching about Christ’s love. She’s not wrong in what she types, but those comments don’t match up to her actions as a human being in real life. Offline, she’s a monster, who doesn’t hesitate to lie, manipulate, and exert control over anyone unfortunate enough to be in her sphere. And then she accuses them of doing things that she does.

Last night, Bill told me that his life didn’t start to get “good” until he was in his mid 30s. That was around the time we met online. I remember, he was 35 years old then, and his email address even had the number 35 in it. He’s 58 now. I have to admit, my life improved a lot when I turned 30, except it sometimes feels like I’ve kind of wasted a lot of time. But then I realize that maybe my time hasn’t actually been wasted… I just haven’t spent it working in a cubicle. I never thought I had the “right” to such a life, though.

Sometimes, I feel like my life’s mission changed when I met my husband, who is truly a remarkable man. I thought I would embark in a rewarding career, but it just went a completely different way. It’s been my pleasure to help Bill get things back on track and enjoy his life. But it’s tragic that there are people he has to watch out for, simply because he’s a kind, empathic person, and he’s quick to take people at their words, rather than observe the way they behave.

Well… I’m going to miss having Bill around the next three nights, but at least it will give my liver a chance to rest. Maybe I can catch up on my beauty sleep. As it is, I’ve been up since about 4:30am. I’m probably going to need a nap today.

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