communication, LDS, lessons learned, overly helpful people

Sometimes we teach best what we most need to learn…

Today’s main blog post isn’t going to be about my time in Armenia. That may be a relief to some of my regulars. I have one more blow by blow post for my travel blog, then my usual “ten things I learned” post. Then, Armenia is history… for the time being, anyway. 😉

I used to spend a lot of time on the Recovery from Mormonism messageboard. For years, I read it on a daily basis, even though it would often become contentious. There are a lot of angry, hurting people that hang out in that community, and sometimes they can be really argumentative toward each other. It’s not uncommon to see people insulting others there, name calling, arguing, and just plain being rude. On the other hand, sometimes people can be very supportive and kind. I have made several decent online friends from the RfM community… people I think are truly good people and I could be friends with offline. However, I’ve also run into people I don’t like, and wouldn’t want to meet in person.

I’ve written a couple of times in this blog about certain posters on that site who get on my nerves. They tend to be “all knowing” types, who feel quite comfortable in confronting people whenever they think they’ve somehow been “offensive”. For example, I distinctly remember, during Christmas of 2019, Bill and I were in France and some jackasses popped our tire when we were at a rest stop. We saw the people who damaged our tire. They were swarthy men, who appeared to be from a certain group of people well known in Europe for running scams. Now, I don’t know for absolute certain that those guys were Roma– but when Bill went to the police station to report the crime, he was told that they were most likely either Roma, or perhaps from northern Africa. It’s a fact that certain people from those groups perpetrate crimes in Europe. But neither I, nor the police, ever insinuated that EVERYONE from those areas does criminal things, nor did I indicate that I think they’re bad people overall.

So, when I was relating the story on RfM, a couple of people took me to task for “assuming” the perpetrators were Roma. They basically called me a racist. Naturally, that didn’t sit well with me, particularly since none of these people even know me personally. I will admit that, like most people, I probably do have some racist proclivities. However, even if that’s the case, no one wants to explicitly be called a racist when all they’re trying to do is share an experience. It’s offensive. It would be one thing if I’d made very bold blanket statements that indicated that I think all “swarthy” people are criminals. But I was simply describing the physical appearance of the people who had popped our tire, and relating what the police had told us. It seemed to me that taking me to task for that post was unnecessarily hostile and aggressive, and it made me think twice about whether or not I wanted to share anything there anymore.

When I pushed back against the chief offender, a person I’ll call “overly helpful diva”, got snotty with me. Because obviously, it’s fine for her to call me a racist, but it’s not fine for me to defend myself, or tell her she’s wrong to say that about someone she doesn’t even know. What the hell kind of reaction does she expect when she hurls offensive labels at people?

Then, several months later, Mary Kay LeTourneau died. Someone posted about it on RfM. I posted that I had empathy for Mary Kay’s loved ones. No, I don’t condone what she did. She committed rape against a child. It was right that she went to prison and had to register as a sex offender. However, her victim didn’t see himself as a victim. He later married Mary Kay. They had two children together. He was at her side on the day she died, even though they had divorced. And even though I think that case is strange, and I don’t understand it, I do understand that my personal feelings about that case matter a hell of a lot less than how the actual victim feels about it. He loved her, in spite of her crime against him. He’s also now well into adulthood, and is free to feel any way he wants to about what happened to him and the person who perpetrated the crime.

Well, that same person, along with another poster, took me to task for that, too. One of them went as far as to call me a “rape apologist”. That was extremely offensive to me. I certainly don’t condone rape, and labeling me in such a way simply because I acknowledged someone’s humanity is ridiculous. I think that most people are worth more than whatever bad things they’ve done. I also don’t like black and white thinking, hypocrisy, or people thinking they have the right to tell me what to think, how to feel, or what to say. So, that incident also went down in my long log of memories that told me that poster is someone with whom I’d rather not engage.

The last straw came last March, when my beloved dog, Arran, died. I posted about it on RfM, because I have some friends on there who knew about Arran. Some asshole decided to leave a really MEAN and uncalled for comment about Arran, which pissed me off. I confronted the mean poster, and the same all knowing overly helpful diva poster came along and tried to tell me what to do there, too.

I vented about the incident in my blog, then actively avoided RfM for months, because I could not bear to interact with that person again. I was very angry with her for inserting herself in an interaction that didn’t involve her, and offering me unwelcome and unsolicited advice when I was grieving a family member. She had basically told me to shut up, rather than allowing me to handle the situation in my own way. She wrote that responding to the mean troll was just “adding fuel to the fire”.

I almost wonder if she read my post here, because ever since then, she’s left me alone. I’m fine with that. I can’t stand people who are “overly helpful” toward me and think I need their special help. I really don’t need their help in communicating. Their insistence on advising me in such matters is insulting and offensive. I don’t post much on RfM anymore, anyway. I no longer have a need to post there… although I do sometimes read there when I’m bored.

A few days ago, someone on RfM posted a tribute to the overly helpful diva. And in the course of that post, a person who wasn’t a fan of hers, nor some of the other more active posters, chimed in on the thread. The non-fan of the overly helpful diva identifies as transgender, and apparently had an argument with the overly helpful advice giver, and a few others, about transgender athletes.

I didn’t see the original offending RfM post, nor was I actively involved in the post I’m referencing in this post. However, I did take note of how the overly helpful person responded when she was called out for being transphobic and bigoted. She was insulted and offended, just as I was when she implied that I was a racist, and when she’d agreed with the person who called me a “rape apologist”.

However, instead of having a rational conversation with the person who was calling her out and, I think, making some valid points about her responses, she became condescending, discounting, and argumentative. I noticed that she couldn’t simply practice her own counsel toward me and “stop adding fuel to the fire”. She had to address the person who called her out, and was, in the end, quite dismissive. It struck me as a very superior and arrogant response to someone who probably knows a hell of a lot more about the experience of being transgender than she does.

I didn’t add anything to the discussion myself. I didn’t want to add “fuel” to the fire, after all. 😉 Once again, I found overly helpful RfM diva’s responses insufferable and infuriating, and I had empathy for the person who had taken her on– even though the initial post had been complimentary toward the overly helpful diva. I noticed that she felt fine in repeatedly defending herself… but when I tried to do the same thing in a similar interaction with her, she got snotty, dismissive, and rude.

While I have no desire to wade into the topic on which they are arguing, I will say that I felt empathy for the poster who says they’re leaving RfM because of her, and people who act like her. I don’t know how I feel about the topic at hand. I don’t know enough about it, as it’s neither something that interests me, nor anything that affects me personally. But I do know how it feels to be dismissed, discounted, and name called on that messageboard by overly helpful diva and her ilk. And I did notice that when that happened to the overly helpful diva, she didn’t seem to like it any more than I had.

I think I’m at a point in which I’ve realized that most messageboards and groups on social media are often unworthy of the effort of joining. A lot of them eventually become toxic, as people clash and turn on each other. I did enjoy RfM a lot, back in the day. It was often helpful and entertaining, especially once I got to a point at which people quit calling me a liar about Bill’s situation… or assuming I was an evil stepmother (how could I be? I have only met my stepdaughters in person once, over twenty years ago!). But lately, it seems overtaken by this person and her overbearing, overwhelming personality, and her need to argue, belittle, and “prove wrong” anyone who has a different perspective than she has.

And when I read that stuff, and notice her reaction to it when people take her to task, I just want to tell her… “Sometimes we teach best what we most need to learn.” Then, I would follow up by advising her– if I were the kind to offer unsolicited advice— that instead of pointing out other people’s issues and faults and labeling them as “racists” or “rape apologists”, or telling them how to respond to other people, she might want to take a deep breath and check her own responses. She doesn’t know everything. Sometimes, her logic is flawed. And sometimes, she should simply shut the fuck up and listen. Maybe she might learn something new.

I literally cheered when the transgender told her she was “full of shit”. There’s some real truth in those words. But then, I think most of us are full of shit sometimes, myself included. The difference is, I’m willing to admit that. I don’t think the overly helpful diva ever has been willing to admit that sometimes, she’s totally full of shit.

I may not agree with everything the transgender poster wrote, but I did offer a hearty virtual high five when they declared to overly helpful diva, “I’m done compromising for people like you.” Bravo! I couldn’t have put it better myself. Life is short. Compromise for no one, unless they really deserve it. Most of the time, overly helpful divas don’t deserve the time of day, let alone an apology so that we can simply “go along to get along.” That’s how people end up with depression, anxiety, and in the worst cases, feeling uninterested in living anymore. So, by all means, feel free to tell the overly helpful diva to fuck off, and live your best life. 😀

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complaints, condescending twatbags, News, rants

“If someone is going to be examining your junk, you have the right to exact high standards…”

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke up to pee, probably because Bill got up to pee. He was on the potty when I went into the bathroom. After our encounter, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I started reading the news. There was an article about how hospitals in Ukraine are dealing with shortages of oxygen, thanks to the Russian invasion and the high number of COVID patients. I was kind of awestruck by the picture of the hospital interior. I was reminded that Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, because the photo reminded me of the inside of an Armenian hospital I once visited in 1996. I was surprised that the Ukrainian facility still looked like a 90s era post Soviet hospital.

Then I went to the comment section, where some guy was complaining about the paywall. It always irks me when people bitch about having to pay for newspapers, as if they would be willing to work for free or give away their valuables. The complainer maintained that all coverage about COVID should be free of charge, in the interest of health promotion. For many months, The New York Times provided plenty of free coverage on COVID. Moreover, there are lots of news sources out there. The New York Times isn’t a free publication. It never has been. One doesn’t go into a store and read a print edition, as if one would at a library. Why should it be any different online? And how do people expect journalists to do their jobs if there’s no income stream with which to pay them for their work?

I’ve complained about that phenomenon more than once in this rag of a blog of mine. I’m not wanting to do it again today. I’m just building up to my point, which I’ll get to in due time. Suffice to say that people who whine about having to pay for quality journalism really get on my nerves. I didn’t leave a comment for the whiny bastard. Someone else kindly did it for me, and in good style. However, one thing I did notice, was that the whiny bastard left an entitled response when someone recommended that he block The New York Times from his feed and/or find another, free or cost-effective, news source. This is what he wrote:

1. I will not block them from my feed. Even the headlines are of some value. 2. I certainly didn’t need you to tell me there are other sources of information. I’ve examined dozens just today. 3. If they could publish free articles about COVID, then they certainly could do it in this case, for the same reason – to preserve human life. (Profit took a backseat to doing the right thing then, and so it should now!)

Then, when the person who engaged him advised him to stop complaining, he wrote:

The NYT seems to have a purpose behind this article. To provoke empathy for the suffering people. And, knowing the long reach of their newsfeed, it will get the notice of people who could help. So why put a speed bump in the way, an impediment to humanitarian aid. It doesn’t make sense. (And to remind you, I have a right to express myself – remember America is a land of Freedom of Expression. So I’ll complain all I want, for as long as I want! Many times in my past my complaints have produced real change, sometimes they’ve just changed people’s minds. Either way, Not Going Anywhere !)

I still don’t understand why his points about the shortage of oxygen in Ukrainian hospitals entitle him to read the paper for free. It sounds to me like he’s just cheap. He even admitted that “even the headlines are of some value.” So he admits that the paper is valuable. He just doesn’t want to support it by subscribing. Either way, I guarantee that complaining about paywalls in a comment section on Facebook won’t make a happy damn to the bean counters. They offer a valuable product for which many people, myself included, are willing to pay. I use The New York Times every day. It’s worth the money to me.

I was still somewhat exasperated after reading that exchange. That guy is an example of a person I can do without, although he’s probably a nice enough fellow when he isn’t bitching about paywalls. As Bill and I were enjoying breakfast, I somehow got on a tangent about other people who get on my nerves. I was suddenly reminded of a woman I used to regularly rant about years ago. She was just one of those people who irritated the ever living hell out of me. I think that guy’s comment reminded me of that woman, whom I used to call “Ms. Overly Helpful”.

In the years before social media, I used to hang out on a messageboard for second wives and stepmothers. I ran into some really great ladies. I also ran into a few assholes, although in fairness, I’m sure some of them thought of me as an asshole, too. In any case, Ms. OH was just one of those people with whom I can’t mesh. I know she has many friends, fans, and loved ones. I’m just not among them.

There’s no shame in that, by the way. Even the most likable people in the world have some people in their lives who can’t stand them. Bea Arthur, for example, famously disliked Betty White, of all people! I don’t know why, but it was widely reported that Bea didn’t like Betty at all. Even Betty, herself, admitted it. I read that Bea found Betty’s unflappable optimism annoying. To be honest, I think that would annoy me, too. I remember on The Golden Girls, there was even an episode about how Rose Nylund annoys a work colleague by incessantly trying to be his friend, when he didn’t want to be friends with her. Below is an exchange from that episode.

Roger doesn’t want to be friends with Rose. I can relate.

Ms. OH was a little like that sometimes. She fancied herself an “Earth Mother” type, and would offer me unsolicited advice and opinions. Every time I made a comment, she would contradict me in the most patronizing and infuriating ways. And I would try to hold back on the urge to be rude to her, because her comments would almost always rub me the wrong way. Like, for instance, she would question things like whether or not I should buy a new car (used is sooo much cheaper), or a new computer (have I done everything I can to make the old one last)… or whether or not I should be concerned about a strange man loitering by my mailbox (maybe he’s perfectly harmless– stop being so suspicious!). See what I mean?

I remember one time, we had a row that got quite contentious. I commented to her, quite frankly, but as politely as I could, that whether or not it was her intention to be offensive, I found her contrary responses to be disrespectful and condescending. I really tried hard not to be as nasty as I felt like being, while still making it clear that she was pissing me off, and asking her to cease and desist. I didn’t tell her to “fuck off”, though. I just clearly informed her that her comments were offending me. Ms. OH’s response was to send me a private message angrily berating me for “insulting her”. All I really wanted was for her to just leave me the fuck alone! I couldn’t block her on the message board, because we were both “admins”.

So anyway, once we all migrated to Facebook, one day I quietly dropped her from my friends list. For awhile, it was fine. I didn’t have so many encounters with her, and that made my life better. But then I got added to a Facebook group for second wives and stepmothers. It was 2012, so I had just turned 40. I got a message from the local Army clinic that it was time to schedule my first mammogram (which I still haven’t done, and I’m now 49). The clinic had also assigned a primary care manager to me; someone I hadn’t chosen and had never met before. I knew that if I went in to see the physician’s assistant assigned to me, she’d probably want to do other stuff, and quite frankly, that was very scary to me. I have a real “phobia” of medical providers, particularly the ones who want to examine my junk. It’s because I had a traumatic first experience with an OB-GYN.

I looked up the P.A. online, and found some public photos of her that made me think she wouldn’t be mature enough to deal with my issues. She was quite young and inexperienced. So I casually mentioned to my friends in the group that I thought I would be changing my primary healthcare provider, because the one the Army had assigned to me was a poor fit. Ms. OH, and a few others, were offended by my decision. In Ms. OH’s case, it was because her daughter is/was a young healthcare provider who likes to party. She was sure to tell me that her daughter would give me “excellent” care if I went to her, even though she has a “personal life” and likes to party sometimes.

Of course, I had to sigh at that response… because my situation with the Army P.A. I’d never met didn’t have a fucking thing to do with Ms. OH’s daughter. However, I also knew that I would never voluntarily choose to see Ms. OH’s daughter for healthcare, simply because she is Ms. OH’s daughter. I would rather see someone who doesn’t have such an intimate connection to someone who gets on my last nerve. And that choice should be okay, since there are plenty of people in the world who would happily see her daughter for healthcare, just as the P.A. who was assigned to me had a whole shitload of people on her list who would have no issues whatsoever seeing her.

I was just a name on a piece of paper to the P.A., so it’s not like my choice not to see her was even a personal affront. She wouldn’t be losing any money or prestige by my decision. In fact, she wouldn’t even be the wiser about it. I just wanted someone older and more experienced. What the hell is wrong with that? Like I said… if you’re going to examine my junk, I have the right to exact high standards. I honestly couldn’t see why this was such a big deal, and I never expected the controversy to arise the way it did in that group.

Well, the whole controversy was finally blowing over, until Ms. OH chimed in again, and then the issue blew up anew, with new people berating me for having my standards. They were more concerned about my not offending the healthcare provider by being “prejudicial” due to her public social media posts, than my own comfort and sense of trust. I was pretty flabbergasted, since I didn’t realize my choices regarding healthcare providers was up for debate. I mean, wouldn’t “friends” want me to be comfortable with and confident regarding my healthcare providers? But it soon got very ugly… so I quietly removed myself from the group. Ms. OH noticed, and sent me an email, which was, for once, not totally offensive. She wrote that she was glad I was “okay”. Fine.

Incidentally, Bill did end up seeing that P.A. and it turned out my instincts about her were correct. Bill has hypertension, but his case is unusual because he also has congenital hyponatremia (chronically low blood sodium). The P.A. gave him the usual spiel about avoiding stress, exercising, eating right, and not salting his food. However, because of Bill’s unusual and unique blood chemistry, actually he has been told by physicians that he should use salt. In his case, not salting his food is bad advice, in spite of his having high blood pressure. I’m sure the P.A. has plenty of textbook knowledge, and by now, she’s probably very experienced. But my instincts to avoid her were good, because in 2012, she was still pretty “green”.

A couple of years later, I ran into Ms. OH again on social media, and she made another passive aggressive dig to me regarding alcoholism, which is a sensitive topic for me. Having interacted with me for years, I think she was very aware that it was a delicate topic for me. I didn’t think her snarky comment, along with winkie smilies, was innocent, nor did I appreciate it at all. She also had a laugh at my expense, which angered me.

This time, I decided enough was enough, and I blocked her. Then I told Bill, “You wait. As soon as she sees that I blocked her, Ms. OH will send me an email.” Sure enough, I was right. Within a couple of hours, she’d sent an irate email DEMANDING to know why I blocked her. It was as if she felt I had no right to disassociate with her. My decision to block her was a personal affront, kind of like Rose Nylund trying to force her co-worker to be friends with her, when he didn’t want to be friends.

I was still really pissed off, and frankly, very surprised by her nerve. Usually, when people block you on social media, it means they DON’T want to talk to you. If you’re a basically decent person, you understand that the person doesn’t want to talk to you and respect that. And yet, here was Ms. OH, feeling quite entitled to bother me with an angry and demanding email. Part of me felt like ripping her a new one. But I thought better of it, and simply ignored her. Several years later, I unblocked her on Facebook. She took the first available opportunity to apologize to me, which was nice enough, although still kind of controlling– kind of like Hoovering. It was her way of getting the last word, I guess. I was gracious about it, and thankfully, that was that.

Anyway, I guess that commenter on The New York Times reminded me of Ms. OH, with his complaints about paywalls. How dare The New York Times expect payment for services rendered? And how dare a fellow reader take him to task for his whining, which he mistakenly believes will amount to anything more than laughing reactions and irritated comments from other Facebook users? And how dare I have standards for people who have intimate contact with my medical history and my body? How dare I make decisions about with whom I will communicate? People like the guy on The New York Times thread and Ms. OH are entitled twits. I don’t know the commenter at all, but I have to say that expecting to read newspaper content for free makes him appear to be pretty narcissistic, if not a bit deluded. But, since I don’t know the guy, and I feel that people should get the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, I’ll just assume he simply hasn’t thought very much about how journalists make a living.

Well, the dogs are demanding a walk, so I better wrap this up. Have a nice Monday, y’all.

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