Another Labor Day has come and gone… and we didn’t do much of anything. Historically, Bill and I would go on a short trip for the last official summer weekend. But in 2019, we lost our Zane over Labor Day weekend and were in mourning. In 2020 and 2021, we had the damned pandemic to deal with. In 2022, we still have the pandemic, and were too late to book accommodations for our dogs so we could go see the dentist in Stuttgart. So our next trip is scheduled for the end of the month. Hopefully nothing will screw up our plans, but just in case, I purchased “cancel for any reason” travel insurance, because the hotel I booked in the Black Forest is kind of a special, and expensive, place. It will soften the blow of visiting the dentist, who is very good at his job, but sometimes winds me up.
Bill had to go out of town this morning, and he will be gone until Friday. On Friday, he will take our Arran to the vet, because I suspect he may need some help with his hormones. Or, at least I hope that’s what’s causing him to act kind of weird lately. Recently, Arran seems to be kind of lethargic… sleeping a lot, slow to eat his food in the mornings, and just kind of “off”. I don’t think he’s really sick, but he’s about 13 or 14 years old, which makes him an old guy, and it may be time to see if he has hypothyroidism or something like that. He’s gained significant weight over the past year or so, and I don’t think they’re just pandemic pounds. I once had a dog with hypothyroidism, and a little daily medication fixed her right up. I also correctly diagnosed it in a former friend’s dog. We’ll see what happens. The boys are both getting dentals this month, too, which will be a good thing, especially for Noyzi. It will be his first time, and he really needs it.
Yesterday, Bill was talking to me about how some Republicans think we should rewrite the Constitution, no doubt to suit their agendas. Just hearing about that made me feel depressed. I’ve about had it with the constant upset the country has been going through over the past few years. I’m especially tired of so-called “Christians” claiming that no one who believes in Jesus would vote for Democrats. From what I learned about Jesus as a churchgoer, Jesus would have been a total blue voter.
What is especially distressing, though, is watching the comments from poseurs, like my husband’s former spouse. I have mentioned before that, on the surface, we are in political agreement. However, I know something about her and how she actually behaves when she’s offline. So it’s kind of jarring when she tweets things like this:
To be clear… what she says regarding MAGA politics makes plenty of sense to me. I actually agree with her 100 percent. BUT… I also know that her behavior toward my husband and his family has been anything but Christlike. I know that for all of her “pretty words”, she is actually a very cruel and hateful person. She talks a good game, but when it comes down to it, what she says and types is complete bullshit. And, I guess, knowing this about her, and seeing what other people put out there, makes me wonder about other people. How many people are full of shit? I’d like to think her level of delusion is rare. But is it?
This is a woman who denied my perfectly decent husband access to his own children, simply because he stopped letting her control his life. She denied her children access to things they needed for success in life. She raised her kids to think they owe her, which I suspect, has led to my husband’s daughter being overly concerned about “burdening” people. In fairness, younger daughter might come by this tendency honestly, since Bill is kind of the same way. However, I know that both Bill and his daughters were “parentified”, in that when they were growing up, they were expected to be much more mature and responsible than their years, and be a “parent” instead of a developing child.
According to Psychology Today, there are fourteen signs that a person was “parentified” when they were growing up. Here they are:
Signs that you were parentified as a child
- Grew up feeling like you had to be responsible
- Trouble with play or “letting loose”
- Like to feel in control
- Pulled into arguments or issues between caregivers
- Felt like you were given responsibilities that were not appropriate for someone your age
- Often compliments for being “so good” and “so responsible”
- May feel that being self-reliant is better than trying to trust others
- Don’t really remember “being a kid”
- Parents had trouble caring for themselves or others and placed the responsibility on you
- Often find yourself becoming a caregiver for others
- Being a caretaker feels good, even when you are sacrificing parts of yourself
- Heightened sense of empathy and an ability to more closely connect with others
- Feel like you need to be the peacemaker
- Feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated
I haven’t spent much time with younger daughter myself, but I have spent the past twenty years with Bill. And to me, this list is pretty much spot on about how he behaves. He’s told me that younger daughter has expressed concern that she’s “burdening” Bill. While a little of that is understandable, given that they’re having to rebuild their relationship, he’s still her father. He wants to help her, and he knows a lot about what she’s experienced, because he’s experienced it, too.
I was there to see my husband try to reason with his ex wife. I saw him cry many times, because he was so distraught over the loss of his children. I was there when he told me about the scars a doctor noticed on a private part of his body, put there by Ex. Bill was much too embarrassed to explain how he got the scars. He didn’t even tell me about them until we’d been married for many years. I watched as he recovered from years of abuse at her hands. Now we’re hearing about what happened after the divorce, and a lot of it is very disturbing.
I was there when Bill was a Mormon, having adopted the faith at Ex’s behest, then watching it being used to alienate him from his children. Now, it seems that Ex has mostly abandoned Mormonism, except for when she wants or needs something. Being LDS ended up blowing up in Ex’s face on many different levels. First, she wasn’t able to get her sealing canceled so she could be sealed to #3. And then, her daughter got help from church members when she decided to escape her mother’s clutches.
And yet, there Ex is on Twitter, acting like she’s the voice of reason, telling off some stranger and claiming to be a “devout Christian”, preaching about Christ’s love. She’s not wrong in what she types, but those comments don’t match up to her actions as a human being in real life. Offline, she’s a monster, who doesn’t hesitate to lie, manipulate, and exert control over anyone unfortunate enough to be in her sphere. And then she accuses them of doing things that she does.
Last night, Bill told me that his life didn’t start to get “good” until he was in his mid 30s. That was around the time we met online. I remember, he was 35 years old then, and his email address even had the number 35 in it. He’s 58 now. I have to admit, my life improved a lot when I turned 30, except it sometimes feels like I’ve kind of wasted a lot of time. But then I realize that maybe my time hasn’t actually been wasted… I just haven’t spent it working in a cubicle. I never thought I had the “right” to such a life, though.
Sometimes, I feel like my life’s mission changed when I met my husband, who is truly a remarkable man. I thought I would embark in a rewarding career, but it just went a completely different way. It’s been my pleasure to help Bill get things back on track and enjoy his life. But it’s tragic that there are people he has to watch out for, simply because he’s a kind, empathic person, and he’s quick to take people at their words, rather than observe the way they behave.
Well… I’m going to miss having Bill around the next three nights, but at least it will give my liver a chance to rest. Maybe I can catch up on my beauty sleep. As it is, I’ve been up since about 4:30am. I’m probably going to need a nap today.