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athletes, book reviews, eating disorders, mental health, sports

Reviewing Outofshapeworthlessloser: A Memoir of Figure Skating, F*cking Up, and Figuring It Out, by Gracie Gold…

Last month, while hanging out on Amazon, I happened to notice retired Olympic figure skater Gracie Gold’s book, Outofshapeworthlessloser: A Memoir of Figure Skating, F*cking Up, and Figuring It Out, as a suggestion to me. I like to watch figure skating. In fact, I used to take ice skating lessons myself. That was many, many years ago, of course, but I do remember liking my short time on the ice.

I decided to download Gracie Gold’s book, even though I barely knew anything about her. It’s true that I like watching figure skating, but I don’t really have that much of an opportunity to follow the sport anymore. I hadn’t seen Gracie Gold’s turn at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, nor was I aware of the many personal dramas surrounding her. I knew nothing about how she was kind of promoted as looking like Grace Kelly, or that her performances tended to be a bit on the inconsistent side. I didn’t know anything about her family, friends, or love interests.

I downloaded Gold’s book because it looked like she was someone with whom I could relate, on some level. Last night, as I finally finished reading Outofshapeworthlessloser, I realized my instincts were correct.

Who is Gracie Gold and why has she written her life story?

Grace Elizabeth Gold and her twin sister, Carly, were born in Newton, Massachusetts on August 17, 1995. Her parents, Denise and Carl Gold, had tried for a long time to become parents. Denise Gold was an emergency room nurse, while Carl Gold was an anesthesiologist. Carly Gold, who was also a figure skater, was born about 40 minutes after Grace was. Gold writes that she’d always had a “flair for the dramatic”, while her sister, Carly, was much calmer and more practical. While Carly was a “people pleaser”, Gracie had no filter, and would say whatever came to mind. I can relate to that.

The twins were raised in Springfield, Missouri for awhile, but then moved to Springfield, Illinois. From the beginning of their lives, the girls were athletic and daring. Their mother, Denise, was a very devoted mom, and got them involved in sports. Gold writes that they tried a few different activities: soccer, swimming, dance, and gymnastics among them. Figure skating fit Gold’s intense perfection oriented personality the best, and didn’t scare her as much as gymnastics did. The leotards were also too itchy for her. Later, she writes that she has sensory issues with a lot of clothes, indicating that she might be neurodivergent. Additionally, she has a baby blanket that she’s taken everywhere with her for her entire life.

Gracie and Carly excelled at ice skating, but unlike Carly, Gracie felt the need to be a very high achiever in the sport. Carly, by contrast, simply wanted to put in her best effort and do as best as she could. Consequently, figure skating made Gracie Gold famous, which many people would think would be a great thing. But Gold writes that she finds her sister amazing for the fact that she’s so grounded and “healthy”. She hasn’t had the same interpersonal challenges that often come with having a volatile personality and highly competitive nature.

Carly Gold eventually rose to a point as a figure skater in which the sport no longer brought her joy. She retired, and moved on to other life passions. Gracie stuck with skating… perhaps for much longer than she should have. She even outright states that while she always had a large fan base, it got to a point at which she felt like she’d “worn out her welcome.” It was hard for her to come to terms with that.

Outofshapeworthlessloser is Gold’s excruciatingly honest and detailed tale of her life as a figure skater, but she’s also very candid about her tumultuous life as a young woman. Gracie Gold has suffered from anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and is a survivor of sexual assault. One of her best friends, a male figure skater, committed suicide. But she is also a two time national champion and an Olympic bronze medalist, two achievements that are very impressive to most people. However, when you’re an elite athlete who is driven to succeed, one taste of success is never enough. That neverending loop of negativity whirls in the brain, never to be completely silenced. That’s why Gold titled her book as she did.

My thoughts

For the most part, I am very impressed by Gracie Gold’s book, Outofshapeworthlessloser. I did relate to it on many levels, although I am certainly no athlete. I just think Gracie and I have some personality traits in common.

I think Outofshapeworthlessloser is well written, and indeed, in her writing, Gold shows that flair for the dramatic she mentioned when she described hers and her sister’s birth. Gold is astonishingly open about her struggles, and she explains in candid terms what life is like for figure skaters. Figure skating is a sport that demands precision and grace, and “ladylike” propriety. Maintaining grace, beauty, and discipline can be difficult for anyone, especially when they’re going through puberty. But if you also have kind of an obnoxious personality, it can seem almost impossible.

I grew up with a father who would have loved it if I was more like a demure, graceful, elegant figure skater who stayed tiny and was seen and not heard. He got me, though… and my three sisters. I think I offended him the most of all of his four daughters. I am outspoken, loud, and opinionated. It sounds like Gracie is much the same way, and is, perhaps, even more intense than I am at times.

Gracie Gold’s dad is also a bit of an asshole… Like my dad, her dad had a problem with addiction. He ended up getting kicked out of medicine because he abused prescription pills. He was a philanderer, and had narcissistic proclivities that caused him to ignore boundaries. I don’t believe my dad was a narcissist, but he was an alcoholic, and he had massive control issues. I think Gold’s dad is much more of an asshole than my dad was. But some of their problematic behaviors are the same, and I recognized that and empathized. Gracie’s mom is an enabler, who was far too invested in her daughters’ lives, and not enough in her own. And that kind of behavior can also cause a lot of issues, especially for young people who are trying to launch into adulthood.

There’s another aspect of Gold’s story that spoke to me. At one point, Gracie went through a severe depression and gained about fifty pounds. The weight gain after years of starvation and intense physical exertion caused her to grow enormous breasts. She decided she still wanted to compete, but her huge boobs caused many problems for her. For one thing, they made her top heavy, and changed her center of gravity. For another, they literally got in the way when she was trying to do athletic things. She often worried about wardrobe malfunctions, and had problems finding tops that fit properly.

I was amazed as I read about how Gold ended up learning how to bind her breasts by reading forums for transgender men. Later, she decided to have breast reduction surgery. It was a good decision for her on many levels, both as an athlete, and for her health and well-being. But she got a lot of backlash for making the decision. Men found her triple Ds (WOW!) sexually appealing. Women were envious of her “curves”.

This was another instance in which I related to Gold. I, too, have big boobs. Mine are only Ds, though, and that is certainly enough to be annoying. I don’t have to do triple jumps! I do have back issues sometimes, but I’m not tiny like Gold is. I can only imagine how her back and shoulders must have felt before she had those puppies reduced! She reported that the surgery was a game changer for her. However, the surgery led to comments about her body that caused her a lot of angst. Below is a quote from Gold’s book that I related to very well:

Amen to this!

It’s not just athletes who would rather people stop commenting on other people’s bodies. Some of my regular readers might remember an incident that happened to me last year. I shared a meme about people not commenting negatively on other people’s bodies, since summer is on its way. A former Facebook friend, and current family member by marriage, mistook the woman in the photo for me. An embarrassing interaction took place, which led to me writing an epic rant that pissed off said former friend, who was one of the very few people who even read it.

She got at angry at me for writing about being offended that she had made comments about MY body. And her comments were based on a photo that wasn’t even of me! She got so pissed that I complained about this issue in my blog, that she blocked me. I can’t say I miss her. She wasn’t really a friend.

I may not have ever had a formal diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, but I sure as hell have had body image issues, depression, anxiety, and other problems due to society’s expectations of what women should look like. Gold explained it better than I could. Many of us would really rather that people not comment in any way about our bodies, even if the comments are meant as a compliment. It brings on a lot of angst. If you really care about someone and want to be complimentary, I challenge you to try to find a way to compliment them that doesn’t involve commenting about their looks. People who have had eating disorders are especially sensitive to comments about their bodies, even when the comment is meant to be positive.

A couple of days ago, I was moved to write another post that was inspired by Gracie Gold’s book. In that post, I included the below quote. At this point, that post has two (count ’em) hits. I think it’s a shame, because I think that post was one of my better ones. Anyway, because I liked the quote so much, I’m going to include it here with the comment that again, I totally relate to this…

Amen to this, too.

Anyway… I probably ought to wrap up this review and get on with the day. Suffice to say, I think Gracie Gold’s book is very good. If I had to issue one criticism, it’s that I think it could have used another round with an editor. The book is quite long and takes on a lot of topics. She probably should have saved half of that material for a follow up book. I would also warn those who are offended by cursing that Gold includes a number of expletives in her book. Personally, I wasn’t bothered. She repeatedly states that she’s not really a proper lady, so the cussing just made her seem more “real” to me. But other readers might not like it.

I give it 4.5 stars out of 5, and I highly recommend watching some of Gold’s videos on YouTube, if you’ve never seen her skate. Especially the 2016 U.S. Nationals long program. That one is a stunner.

Buy Outofshapeworthlessloser on Amazon.com.

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family, funny stories, LDS, music, religion

Repost: Church jerks… or, the only time my dad wasn’t upset by my use of the f-word…

I’m sharing this anecdote from my earlier blog. It was written February 4, 2017 and appears as/is.

I’m lucky.  I grew up in a church that didn’t have that many jerks in it.  By and large, Presbyterians are a pretty low key group.  Or, at least that’s always been my experience.  They don’t tend to get in your business or act holier than thou.  Or, at least they don’t as much as some other churchgoing folks might.  My experience growing up Presbyterian was that we went to church for two hours on Sunday and that was basically it, unless we wanted to get involved in a social activity of some sort.  And it was entirely voluntary.

I just read an entertaining thread on RfM about the biggest jerks in church.  Some of the stories are pretty classic.  To really get the thread, you need to know something about Mormonism.  For instance, Monday nights are sacrosanct because they are “family nights”.  Monday nights are when families do some kind of church affirming activity together.  It’s supposed to promote bonding.

One guy wrote that he was trying to get some church business taken care of and this dude wouldn’t answer his emails.  So he called him at 8:30pm on a Monday night thinking that would be late enough not to interrupt family night, but not so late that it would wake up the guy’s kids.  The guy got an earful from the person he was calling.  The man of the house was put out that the guy would dare call him on “family night”.  Then the church jerk hung up on the caller.

Another person wrote about a bitchy wife who got into a Facebook argument with someone.  One of the parties involved wrote something along the lines of “I hope this disagreement won’t spoil our friendship.”  And the bitchy wife wrote back that she wasn’t “friends” in the first place and basically implied that she was better than the other person in every way.  Hmmm… how Christ like!

One guy wrote about being bitched out by a church member for “wasting the Lord’s time” at Walmart.  Even though it was “p-day”, the one day they got to do stuff like grocery shopping and laundry, this church member felt it was appropriate to publicly dress down those poor guys, who were no doubt tired, depressed, disheartened, and working for free, anyway.  Sheesh!

The only church related drama I remember from the church I grew up in happened when I was an adult.  I’m sure there were other dramas that I wasn’t privy to, but I am not really aware of them.  My parents mostly got along with people in our church, although my mom didn’t always attend because she was the organist at different churches.  There were two stints when she played organ at our church, but most of the time, she was playing at Methodist or Baptist churches.  I mostly attended church with my dad, who sang in the choir.  My sisters were out of the house, so I was left to sit with another choir member’s wife.

My dad fancied himself a good singer.  Besides being in our church’s choir, he was also in a number of local choral societies and singing groups.  He was often given solos by the choir director, a really cool lady who graduated from my alma mater, coached softball, and taught driver’s ed at the high school.  The driver’s ed teacher served as the choir director for many, many years, but had finally decided to quit.  The church had to find someone to take her place.

My parents were instrumental in getting a Jewish Russian woman hired as the choir director, even though a lot of people didn’t think she was qualified on account of her not being a Christian.  My parents wanted her hired because she had musical expertise, which the driver’s ed teacher hadn’t had.  The Russian lady, name of Olga, had degrees in music from the former USSR, I think.  The driver’s ed teacher had been very nice and was kind to choir members, but her lack of formal musical training had been a source of frustration for my mom, who was tired of playing the same shit every week.

After much debating among church members, Olga did indeed get the job.  She promptly pissed off my mom, who was the church organist at the time, by picking music and not consulting her.  Olga treated my mom, who had about fifty years of experience, with utter disdain.  My mom got so upset that she called the new director an “asshole”.  I had never before and have never since heard her call anyone that.  Mom eventually quit over the choir director and went back to playing for Methodists.

Some time later, the choir director infuriated my dad by telling him very frankly that he “didn’t have a soloist’s voice” and she stopped giving him solos.  To be fair, my dad could sing, but I hated it when he did.  That’s another story, though. 

In any case, this development, quite naturally, pissed my dad right the fuck off.  He was furious!  I remember him asking me to help him draft a resignation letter telling off the Russian choir director. 

I tried to explain to my dad that Russians and many others from the former Soviet Union tend to be brutally blunt.  When I lived in Armenia, it wasn’t unusual for strangers to stop me in the street and offer to sell me Herbal Life because they thought I was too fat and needed help.  And if you were a crappy singer or a lousy artist, they would flat out tell you you sucked.  Fortunately, Armenians always responded favorably to my musical pursuits. 

I understand it’s a bit of a stereotype to say that all former Soviets are like this, but culturally, they kind of are…  at least on the whole.  That’s just how they are… kind of like how a lot of Germans take a very long time to warm up to people they don’t know.  It’s not intended to be hurtful, per se.  It’s just their culture.

My dad wasn’t hearing me, though, and was extremely upset with the choir director.  So I helped him write a letter and titled it, “Fuck off, Olga.”  That was the only time my dad wasn’t upset by my use of the f-word.  I don’t think he ever gave her the letter.  He stayed in the choir for as long as his health permitted.  Olga eventually left the job and they replaced her with someone more appropriate for a Christian church choir.

I haven’t attended a service in that church since about 1993 or so… but there are still people there who remember me and my parents.  But then, it’s a church in a small town and people choose to be there rather than get assigned based on where they happen to live.  It’s my understanding that Mormons are basically assigned wards and they attend whatever ward serves where they live.  Either that, or they go to wards based on their marital status.  That could be why there are a preponderance of “jerks” out and about in Mormon and other “demanding” churches.

Anyway, I’m grateful that I didn’t have that experience with church jerks, except for ones that happened to be my age and were jerks to me simply because they thought I was annoying or weird.  It had nothing to do with religion and everything to do with our ages and/or maturity levels.  Thank God for that.

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