reviews, sex

Repost: A review of the Hitachi Magic Wand… 

I wrote this review for Epinions.com back in 2007, when Bill was deployed to Iraq, and just before we moved to Germany the first time. As you can see, I didn’t like it as much as a lot of others did. This review actually ended up in my getting some unwanted correspondents. However, this was one of my most popular reviews. It made a lot of money.

First thing’s first. I am a woman in my 30s (er, I’ll be 50 in a few weeks) and I haven’t seen my husband, Bill, in months. Like lots of women in their so-called sexual peak, I have certain needs. Unfortunately, while my husband has been off defending God and country, my old massager started an irreversible death spiral. As I was shopping for a replacement, I remembered my husband’s comment that the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager HV-250R was the “Cadillac” of vibrators/massagers. Guess he read the ads on the Internet, too. Remembering that little tidbit of information, I decided to purchase one to keep me company until Bill comes home.

What is the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager HV-250R?

Chances are, most people reading this review already know that lots of women use the Hitachi Magic Wand to satisfy their sexual needs. However, I think it’s important to point out that the Magic Wand is actually billed as just a plain old massager. If you look at the packaging, you see leotard clad women using the device on parts of their bodies that are perfectly acceptable for public viewing. Read through the instructions and you’ll find no mention that this product can or should be used for intimate purposes. In fact, the instructions even include a diagram of a fully clad woman marked with positions where the massager should be used. There are no arrows pointing toward the diagrammed woman’s genital region.

This massager is sold by drugstores and sex shops. Attachments are available and sold separately. They looked kind of scary to me, so I opted to just buy the wand. I had high hopes for this product, since it got so many great reviews and seemed to be so powerful.

Specifications

The Magic Wand has two speeds, high and low, which have vibration frequencies of 6000 and 5000 per minute respectively. Designed to be used in North America, the massager uses a 110-120 volt power source and consumes 20 watts. The manufacturers don’t recommend using the wand with an electric converter, which means that when I move to Germany, I’ll have to find a new toy. The Hitachi Magic Wand is about twelve inches long and has a soft, smooth, flexible head. The power cord is about seven feet long. The massager comes with a one year limited warranty and is intended for home use.

My first impressions

Oh boy, was I excited to get this package in the mail last week. I was especially happy because DHL had lost my package in transit and I had visions of some DHL employee playing with my new toy. I was relieved to get my new Magic Wand in a box that showed no signs of tampering. When I pulled my new machine out of the box, I noticed that the plastic seemed a bit lightweight. The power cord was also flimsier than the cord on my other massager.

I plugged in the Hitachi and tried it out at both speeds by just touching the vibrating head with my fingers, something the manufacturers warn that I shouldn’t do. I wasn’t all that impressed with its power, or lack thereof. Later, I tried it as a sensual aid and found that it’s not as powerful as my old massager was when I first bought it. For me, that’s a big drawback, especially since it takes longer to get the desired effect. The Magic Wand uses a motor to make vibrations. The longer you use it, the hotter the motor gets. The hotter the motor gets, the sooner it will overheat. Others may find the Hitachi Magic Wand plenty powerful.

One thing that does strike me as a good thing about this massager is that it’s very compact. Lightweight at just 1.2 pounds, it’s small enough to easily stow in a suitcase. It would be very easy to travel with this massager as long as you’re staying in North America. I also don’t think this massager is excessively noisy, so that’s another plus.

The Hitachi Magic Wand Massager HV-250R is widely available, so even if you’re feeling a little unfulfilled, you can buy it without embarrassment from a number of different retailers. The list price is $69.99, but I wouldn’t pay more than $40 for this massager. Luckily, that’s pretty much what it’s going for these days.

Precautions

I have to admit, I found reading the instructions for the Hitachi Magic Wand very entertaining. Obviously, they weren’t written by a native English speaker, although whoever did write them is very fluent in the language. Here are a few direct quotes from the precautions section in the instructions.

You’ll want to use your massager on your shoulders, arms, back muscles, and legs. It’s not for your chest and certainly not for use around you [sic] thyroid gland (just below the Adam’s Apple)…

The rated maximum continuous use of your massager is 25 minutes. That’s really long enough. Should you wish to use it longer, turn it off and wait about 30 minutes before using it again…

Don’t turn the vibrating head by hand or press it tightly to your body. You could bend the head-supporter, and heavy pressure does not produce a stronger massaging effect anyway…

Never drop or insert any object into any opening. 

Yuk, yuk, yuk…

There are also standard warnings about not using the massager while taking a bath or on inflamed or swollen areas of the body. In fact, the folks at Hitachi even specifically warn that the Magic Wand should not be used on an “unexplained calf pain”. Ouch.

Seriously, this massager seems safe to use as long as the user has common sense. Don’t use it around water, on open wounds, or when the motor is so hot your fingers are burning, and you should be just fine. And be sure to avoid that “thyroid gland”, too… (snicker)

Would I recommend the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager?

It depends. Frankly, I didn’t find this massager powerful enough for my particular “needs”. I don’t like the fact that it’s made of flimsy plastic and has a lightweight and somewhat short power cord. However, I think this massager would be fine for general use on sore muscles. And I also think that some women would find it plenty powerful enough for their sensual tastes. Hell, I find that just reading the instructions is a source of entertainment all its own! But for me, personally, this massager is less like a Cadillac and more like a Dodge Neon.

AND, since it’s a short post, here’s a repost of a blog entry I wrote in 2013, about taking this particular vibrator to the dump.

Taking my vibrators to the dump…

As we’re preparing for the packers to come here tomorrow, Bill and I have been discussing what to do with some items we haven’t been using.  A few years ago, when Bill was deployed, I invested in a “Magic Wand” vibrator by Hitachi.  I was really excited about getting this device, since I’d heard such great things about it.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t impressed with the wand.  Somehow, I also ended up with two of them.  I reviewed the wand on Epinions and ended up getting some uninvited correspondence with yucky, horny men on Yahoo! Messenger.  It was way gross.

So, since about 2007, my vibrators have sat in the bottom of a drawer, bereft of my attention.  I needed something a little more powerful than the Magic Wand and ended up finding something more like a jackhammer for my “special sensual needs”.

I have a few other massaging items that I don’t use anymore… a water bath with jets for my feet, an electric vibrating foot massager, and a cheap chair massager for my back that never fit any of the chairs in our house.  So there’s a pile of massaging items in our bedroom waiting for a trip to the dump.

I’ve been imagining what it will look like when Bill takes these items to the landfill.  One time, when he went there, there were people hanging out at the dump, waiting to see what people were throwing out.  They were delighted when Bill offered them an ugly 40 year old yellow American Tourister suitcase I had inherited from my mom.  They referred to it as an “Ike Turner” suitcase.  I can only wonder what their reactions would be if he offered them my vibrators…

Incidentally, the Magic Wand doesn’t really look pornographic.  In fact, if you read the directions, there’s no discussion of it being used as a sensual aid.  It’s supposedly intended for use on parts of the body that are perfectly acceptable for public view.  But I have never heard of anyone using the Magic Wand for anything other than a sexual toy.  Go figure.

As far as I know, no one who was hanging around at the dump in 2013 wanted my vibrators. I can’t blame them.

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bad TV, healthcare, social media

Things I try not to say on Facebook…

When I stop myself from responding to some comments on social media, I think of my conscience as Dorothy Zbornak, covering Sophia Petrillo’s mouth before she says something everyone regrets…

It’s Thursday, and I’m currently in allergy hell. Yesterday, I went outside briefly, hoping to enjoy the warm, sunny weather, and had to come back inside within minutes because my nose was running like a faucet and my eyes were swelling. I took a couple of Benadryl, which really helped, but not before my eyes took on the appearance of two cherries in a glass of buttermilk. They still look pretty bad today, and I’ve been coughing, sneezing, and sniffling since I crawled out of bed.

I mentioned this issue to some of my Facebook friends, many of whom responded with empathy. A lot of us are suffering right now. One person said she was ready for the trees to stop having sex. Yes, that would be nice, wouldn’t it? I think a lot of men should stop having sex, too. They obviously can’t handle what sex can cause. Aside from that, there is currently a formula shortage in the United States, and a lot of men seem to think it’s a simple thing for women with starving babies to simply start breastfeeding.

Spotted this on THE BEER PARTY’S Facebook page. Too funny!

Guys… not all women can breastfeed. Start with the fact that some women don’t have breasts because of cancer or some other health issue. Some people take medications that would make breastfeeding dangerous for the baby. Some don’t make enough milk for their babies; that was an issue for my sister, who had to switch to formula when her son was a baby. There are any number of other reasons why breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone. Aside from that, this is simply another issue that the vast majority of men don’t have a clue about. But, even though they don’t know about periods, pregnancy, or PMS, a lot of guys think they can offer a simple fix to the baby formula issue. Just pull out your breasts, ladies. Right. I wish I could lactate at will, and squirt some of these guys in their faces with some breast milk. A lot of them would enjoy it, though.

I decided to go to the original source of the above post, put on social media by a comedian. A cranky old man took him to task. I noticed that both the comedian and the cranky old man use misogynistic terms in their comments about feeding babies. Old guy refers to “bitching”, which is anti-woman, since in the human definition of the word “bitch”, bitches are usually either women or effeminate men. Comedian uses the term “d-bag”, which is an abbreviation of a word that refers to something women use to clean out their nether regions. While I do like the comedian’s “meme”, I do think he might want to consider that when a man uses misogynistic language like “bitching” and “d-bag”, especially when they are claiming not to be sexist, as they discuss issues that mostly pertain to women, they kind of lose a little credibility. But, that’s just my opinion.

I do think cranky old man needs to get a clue and realize that many women are tired of men trying to tell us about what it’s like to be female. The last comment, by the way, wasn’t made by me. However, I do agree wholeheartedly that on this subject, a lot of men need to STFU.

I don’t usually take offense to the words “bitch” and “bitching”, even though I probably should. However, I truly don’t like the word “douchebag”, or any incarnation of it. I think it’s nonsensical to call someone a “douche”, especially when one claims to be sensitive toward women, or a feminist. To me, using the word “douche” as an insult is also stupid, because in many countries, a “douche” is a shower. But in America, we know that douching is kind of nasty, and douchebags are mostly used by women. So if you’re a comedian commenting on the cluelessness of “Trumpanzee pro-lifers” and calling them “d-bags”, maybe it’s better to choose a different insult than one that is basically sexist.

I’m not going to point out this logic discrepancy on Facebook, though, because it will only invite eyerolls and comments about how I need to “rent a sense of humor” or “lighten up”, or whatever… Moreover, the vast majority of people aren’t going to change their minds from reading comments on Facebook. Actually, it seems to me that a lot of people, based only on what they post on social media, are miserable jerks who are more interested in being rude and insulting, than actually contributing to a discussion, or being social. I can admit to being kind of a jerk myself sometimes, but it’s often in response to some of the snark I read daily. I do stop myself from posting a lot of times, though. It just isn’t worth the butthurt.

Last night, for example, I found myself commenting on an article about COVID, and how some people think face masks could save humanity. I pointed out that in Germany, we have only JUST started being allowed to be in some places without masks. And here, people were expected to wear the oppressive FFP2 masks, which are akin to N95s. People still got COVID, in spite of the “high quality” masks. COVID is going to spread, whether or not we wear masks. That is a proven fact. Given that most people do NOT wear the masks properly, replace them frequently enough, wash their hands, or cover their eyes, we should expect that infections will continue. What is more important is keeping people out of the hospitals, which is where effective vaccines come in. Vaccines are helping in that regard.

I know I should have kept that thought to myself, but it was late in the evening, and I lost my resolve. Sure enough, a bunch of people jumped on my case about it. One woman proudly told me I was wrong because she works for the CDC. My response was, “Good for you, working for the CDC. I have a MPH myself, so I respect your work.” (as someone who works for the CDC, one would hope that she might realize that not every educated person is going to agree).

Another person commented that Germany’s COVID infections are among the highest in Europe, and implied that it was because the mask rules were mostly dropped in April. He or she might be right. To tell you the truth, I didn’t bother to check. However, Denmark dropped masks weeks before Germany did. I would have been more impressed with their comment if they had brought up how Denmark is faring, coupling it with more than just anecdotes. Denmark has been maskless longer than Germany has. Moreover, I assume this person is in the USA, where masks were dropped even longer ago.

My point is, Germany still has plenty of COVID infections, in spite of more people masking with higher quality masks, and more mask compliance as a general rule. People in Germany still got COVID, in spite of wearing masks. The masks had nothing to do with whether or not the resulting sickness was more or less severe. Masks are supposed to stop viruses from spreading; but if you get the virus in spite of masking, you might still get deathly ill, if your body isn’t prepared to handle the infection. The goal shouldn’t be preventing infections, so much as it should be keeping people from dying and/or taking up all of the hospital beds. And again, vaccines do help with that. At this point, I am sure I will eventually get COVID, and it might be really bad. But I suspect I won’t get so sick that I die, because I am triple vaxxed. To read some of the comments, the minute one person takes off their mask, disaster will certainly strike. As the old song goes, “it ain’t necessarily so.”

A third person blessed me out for daring to doubt the efficacy of wearing face masks forever, then signed off with the hashtag, #wearamask. To which my very southern response was, “Bless your heart.” If I’m not hanging out around people and I’m fully vaccinated, there’s much less of a need for masking, right? Staying away from people is a guaranteed way to lower the risk of getting sick. I’d say it’s much more effective than wearing a stupid mask. Aside from that, I don’t live anywhere near the vast majority of these people, anyway, so my conclusions and decisions stemming from them, won’t affect any of them. Why be so rude? Critical thinking skills are nonexistent among some people these days, aren’t they?

Finally, a woman told me to “take a hike” because she got sick from the Astrazeneca shot. So I replied, “Taking hikes is a healthy thing to do. I wouldn’t mind taking one; thank you.” Especially if it means getting away from the likes of her. Based on her online persona, she’s probably not someone I’d want to know. I don’t particularly enjoy hiking, but I’d probably rather do that than have a conversation with someone who is rude to me right off the bat.

I think people should be able to wear masks if they want to. I also think it should be a valid personal choice not to wear them. There are reasons why masks are problematic for some people, and those people should be allowed to contribute to the conversation, too. It would be nice if people would be more open-minded about these things, and think longer about the issue, instead of immediately shooting down those who have a different viewpoint. Except, of course, when it comes to “pro-life Trumpanzee” men, who continually refer to abortion as “murdering babies” and try to comment with authority on things with which they have no possible personal experience, like having periods, birthing babies, and breastfeeding.

Incidentally, I finally lost my most recent Facebook red badge of shame today. I got dinged a month ago for referring to “dumb Americans”… but my God, it sure is hard to resist when there are so many fine specimens of homegrown American stupidity on the prowl.

And finally, there’s one last subject I want to bring up today. This has nothing to do with the rest of this post. I just found it amusing.

While I was waiting for Bill to come home from work, I started watching a mid 80s episode of the medical drama, Trapper John, MD. Now, I know Trapper John, MD was not the most factually or medically accurate show. However, I did do a double take on the episode, “Going, Going, Gonzo…”, in which Gonzo Gates (Gregory Harrison) has a stroke. While he’s recovering, they show a montage of him getting therapy. In one shot, a doctor is using a Hitachi Magic Wand on him. See below…

I would not expect a physician to be doing physical therapy on anyone, even if it is the Great Gonzo Gates. And that massager he’s using is clearly a Hitachi Magic Wand, which many women use for sexual stimulation purposes. I used to own one myself, having purchased it when Bill was in Iraq. I got a huge kick out of it, especially since the directions never indicated that the wand was a sensual device, but one could buy attachments that were clearly for that purpose. Also, the person who wrote the directions was obviously not a native English speaker, so some stuff got lost in translation.

Incidentally, I got rid of my “magic wand”, because it didn’t do anything for me.

In that episode, Trapper John also lectures/shames stroke ridden Gonzo for wanting to take antidepressants. I don’t know about you, but I would think that having a stroke would make a person depressed. So I would not fault Gonzo for wanting to take medication to help him deal with his new reality. Trapper mentions the “side effects”, which in fairness probably would have been bad in the 80s, since the drugs we have now were not available in the 80s. I didn’t take antidepressants in the 80s, but it’s my understanding that the side effects were pretty brutal. However, those drugs also saved people’s lives. Trapper ends his soliloquy by putting down the pill cup and telling Gonzo that if he wants to take them, he will have to do it by himself. Seems like a strange attitude for a doctor to have. I guess it was good for the story, though.

Anyway, now I have to repost my blog entries about the Hitachi Magic Wand. Hopefully, they won’t inspire any unwanted correspondence. Stay tuned!

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funny stories, home

Repost: Unexpected search results…

Hello folks. It’s a cold, drizzly Sunday here in Germany. Bill and I talked more about the Duggar situation over breakfast. There’s a lot more I could write about it… and maybe I will later. However, it does occur to me that some people are tired of reading and hearing about the Duggars, and frankly, I am a little tired of writing about them, too. So here’s a quirky repost from January 2019. I wrote it just before I felt forced to shut down my old blog.

Zane (RIP) and Arran enjoying the futon when it was new, and didn’t smell like ass.

Something interesting happened the other day.  I was sitting on our yucky futon and noticed that it has kind of a nasty smell.  I also noticed that it was so uncomfortable that it made my butt go numb.  Looking at the futon, I realized that it’s served its purpose and needs to be re-homed or trashed.   That gave me the idea to search for a new couch.

We bought the futon in August 2014, when we first moved back to Germany.  I didn’t actually want a futon, but we were moving into our old house and had no furniture for several days.  I didn’t want to sleep on air mattresses because I usually end up with Charley horses.  Also, the box we sent our air mattresses in was delayed by the post office and we didn’t want to buy new ones.  The futon was just big enough for Bill and me to sleep semi comfortably.  Add the two dogs, who insisted on joining us, and it was definitely not so good.  But then our regular furniture came and we were able to use the futon in our old TV/office as more of a “couch” for TV watching.  It wasn’t perfect, but it served a function.

I figured we’d be moving back to the States after Stuttgart and decided I’d throw it out when the time came to move.  But then we moved to Wiesbaden.  We brought the futon with us, and now I want to trash it again.  One of the spokes broke when I sat down on it too hard.  The dogs regularly sleep on it and one puked all over the mattress.  It was impossible to get it very clean, so now the mattress and pillows faintly smell kind of like ass… or maybe the musty, ripe cheese smell that comes from an infection.  It definitely doesn’t make me want to use the TV room.

I went on Amazon.de to look for “couches”.  I entered the search term into the box.  Amazon.de usually translates English terms into German.  Sure enough, I got most of the expected results.  I started seeing the sofas I hoped to see.  And then I noticed something very different.

About two-thirds of the way down the second page, there was a very realistic picture of a dildo.  It appeared to be a French product and had veins, wrinkly “skin”, and everything.  The seller promised free delivery and, at less than 27 euros, it was a bargain.

I was rather surprised by that result.  I mentioned it to a German friend.  She happened to have studied French and explained that in French, the word “les couches” refers to layers.  Since I used the term “couch”, I guess Amazon.de figured I was looking for layers.  And this sex toy has double layers of silicone, which I guess doubles your pleasure.

I never studied French, so this was news to me.  To tell you the truth, as dirty as my mind can be, I don’t actually like looking at those kinds of… uh… playthings.  Especially when they’re very realistic looking.  The one pictured did NOT look like a toy.  It was kind of moist looking and someone’s hands were wrapped around it.  I guess I can now see why some people ban Amazon from computers where small children might be lurking.

I was reminded of another incident from years ago.  I was stalking a messageboard for fundamentalist women who wanted to buy “modest clothing”.  One of the women who posted referred users to this Web site.  She also warned people to be careful when searching for “culottes”, since that might bring pornographic results.  Another referred readers to this site (I removed the link in 2021, because the site is now defunct), where you can order handmade culottes that set the “right” Biblical example. 

It’s funny that Americans think of culottes as a very modest piece of clothing, but in France, culottes are underwear.  Consequently, if you search for culottes, it’s possible that you will find underwear when you really want an ugly pair of short pants that look like a skirt. Come to think of it, I used to have to wear culottes as part of my uniform when I worked at Busch Gardens Europe. I hated them, because they were ugly and gave me wedgies, plus they had a button and zip in the back, which made going to the bathroom more of a challenge.

One time, I actually made a pair of culottes.  I wasn’t even forced to make them, either.  I thought they looked “cool”.  I was in eighth grade, taking home economics, and we had to use a pattern to make clothes.  For some reason, I liked the illustrated culottes that appeared on the Simplicity pattern.  I thought they were fashionable.  Dopey me, what did I know?  They didn’t even use a real photograph of a model on that pattern.

I selected really ugly teal fabric.  It was cheap, thin, and tacky.  I remember buying it at AAFES, back in the days when they sold fabric.  It was awful stuff because it wrinkled super easily.  I made the culottes, but they looked terrible, with sloppy, irregular seams and constant rumples.  I got a “C” on my project; although, believe it or not, I did wear the ugly culottes around the house for awhile.  I was thirteen, and didn’t have any sense.

The following year, I made a tank style jumpsuit with pastel polka dotted fabric.  That time, I chose better fabric that didn’t wrinkle and I did a better job making the garment.  I actually wore it to school a few times.  It got an “A”, although now I kind of cringe at the idea of wearing it.  What the hell… I was fourteen.  I hate sewing, though, and that was the last time I made any clothes.

I’m actually pretty crappy at anything involving clothes or fashion.  When I was in college, I was a member of a music fraternity and I really struggled at making my Greek letters with puff paint.  I’m too much of a slob to do it properly.  My mom and my maternal grandmother were great at needle crafts, sewing, fashion, and anything involving looking like a lady.  I didn’t inherit those genes.

Anyway… I am hoping soon we can replace the futon and get a nice couch so we can enjoy our TV room and I won’t be tempted to lie in bed to watch all of those iTunes TV shows that are preventing me from updating my Apple apps.  But no, at this point, I don’t need any sex toys that I found while searching for couches.  Why is it that French words often end up translating to sexy stuff, anyway?

First world problems are such bitches.

Almost three years after I wrote this post, I still don’t have a couch for our TV room. I still want to get one. I just need to find one we can get up the stairs by ourselves and will fit through the door. I just searched Amazon.de and got many results for couches… and none for dildos. I guess they finally fixed their algorithms for English speakers.

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