complaints, condescending twatbags, rants, religion

“He needs to attach his ass to a Soloflex… PERMANENTLY!”

Apparently, we should all aspire to look like Melania, scowl-face, Trump…

Today’s blog post title is a direct quote uttered by my old friend, Jamie, back in the early 1990s. At the time, we were working at Busch Gardens, wearing ugly, polyester, fake lederhosen uniforms. The uniforms were as unflattering as they were uncomfortable, and had an unfortunate tendency to give us wedgies. We had a co-worker who usually suffered more than most in the heat and humidity of Virginia’s summers. Glancing over at our obviously out of shape colleague, who was dripping sweat and had recently annoyed us by being authoritative out of turn, my friend said, “He needs to attach his ass to a Soloflex.”

I probably said something inane like, “You mean he needs to work out on a Soloflex?”

“No, I mean he needs to attach his ass to one. PERMANENTLY.” Jamie snarled.

I had a good laugh at Jamie’s snark. I’ve always enjoyed his quips, which are usually acidly witty, occasionally shocking, and uniformly hilarious. I remember years later, I shared an article with him about how French men supposedly need the largest condoms in Europe. And Jamie said something along the lines of, “Well that only stands to reason, since they are the biggest dicks.”

Sometimes, I wish I could come up with obnoxious zingers so quickly. On the other hand, I do have my moments. Especially when I’m in a certain mood.

Hey Pastor Clark… here’s something for you to think about.

So what brings up today’s topic? It’s this post I read today about a pastor in Missouri who advises his female congregants to “look pretty” so their husbands won’t go astray. This dude, Stewart-Allen Clark, who looks like he ought to “attach his ass to a Soloflex… PERMANENTLY!”, as Jamie would say, told the ladies of his flock to lose weight, look hotter, and submit to their husbands’ sexual desires, so they won’t stray. And he said this with a straight face, as he looks a bit like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag himself. Clark also told the ladies to wear makeup, choose appropriate hairstyles, dress up, and avoid looking “butch”.

Here’s the sermon in question.

This guy, walking around looking like a fucking slob, says it’s “really important” for a man to have a “beautiful woman” on his arm. He says that to your man, you “should be the most beautiful woman in the world.” Then he goes on to talk about how women “let themselves go” after they get married. Then he qualifies and says, “I know not every woman can look like a Melania Trump trophy wife… maybe you’re more of a ‘participation trophy.'”

Here’s a little mood music for Pastor Stewart-Allen Clark and his ilk.


And as I listen to this guy speak, I can’t help but notice he ain’t no great shakes himself. And there “ain’t nothin’ attractive” about a big fat slob on a stage spouting off sexist bullshit about how women look as he talks about how “visual” men are. He says, “God made men to be drawn to ‘beautiful women'”.”

This showed up in my Facebook memories yesterday. How apropos! Guys, it goes both ways.

What qualifies a woman as “beautiful”? I know some women that most people would consider quite plain in terms of their physical appearances. It has nothing to do with their being lazy. They just weren’t blessed with what many people would consider classically attractive looks. And yet, in many ways, they are still beautiful because of some other quality that doesn’t immediately meet the eye. They’re intelligent, or quick witted, or talented in some way. They have a kind heart; or they’re generous. They’re good cooks or athletic or easy to talk to. There are so many ways a person can be “beautiful”, and not all of them are limited to the physical.

On the other hand, I can think of some women that many people consider beautiful, but they’re not good people. They’re dishonest, or narcissistic, or manipulative. They’re disloyal or irresponsible or mean. Lots of people are attracted to them because they’re nice to look at. But the minute you start speaking to them, you find out they’re shallow and callous. And they’re not much fun to be around because of that.

Pastor Clark goes on to admit that he doesn’t do marriage counseling anymore because a lot of times, when married people would come to him for advice about intimacy, he would be brutally honest and upset the wives. He says one couple came to him. She looked like a “sumo wrestler” and he was a “little guy”. The guy said he wasn’t attracted to his wife because she was a fat “beeeep”. The woman then proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Then she lost 100 pounds and got pregnant with their second child… which would, of course, cause her to gain weight.

But, I mean, seriously… Clark excuses men for looking like the Michelin Man and being all sweaty and gross. Then he says that his wife used to be quite “robust”… then someone corrects him with the word “healthy”. Oh yes, “thank you!” he says.

Then he says that she knows he looks at other women. She wants him to look at her, and nobody else. So she lost a lot of weight and goes around saying, “Food never tastes as good as skinny feels.” Clark says he’s glad that his wife understands that all men are this way… and he also loves makeup. Apparently, all men like makeup, too. And you don’t want to be “ugly” and “stink”… or look butch. Because God forbid you smell of hormones or sweat or menstrual fluid… or any of the other body fluids we all encounter. Don’t ruin the illusion of beauty, girls, by letting your men know that you have to shit, too.

But then I look at Clark and hope his wife doesn’t get crushed under him or repelled by his body odor and bad breath. He really ought to take his own advice… especially as he talks about how women gain weight because of thyroid and prostate problems. Hello? I don’t know any women who have prostate glands. Then he kvetches about how women “always” cut their hair after they get married.

The Bible does come up. He says that men should post this on the headboards of their beds:

1 Corinthians 7:4

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

How egalitarian! But I don’t hear Clark saying that men need to look their best for their wives. I only hear him berating women for not trying hard enough… (heh heh, I said hard…) to make their men hard by looking “hawt”. And that’s the only way to keep them from straying. I also don’t hear Clark emphasizing that second part AT ALL. He’s probably a lay preacher… (heh heh, I said lay…)

I’m really lucky. My husband is a wonderful, classy, and loving man. He is intelligent, sensitive, evolved, and loyal. And he appreciates me for the way I am. I know he does. I don’t know how I got so lucky. But then, Bill didn’t choose me after seeing me across a crowded room. He chose me because I engaged his mind first. He appreciated my imagination, my sense of humor, my ability to keep him interested and the fact that I was just as interested in him. And Bill is smart enough to know that the sexiest part of anyone is not something you can see externally. It’s the mind… it’s what’s inside that matters most. I also know that Bill has already been divorced and doesn’t want to divorce again.

When the situation calls for it, yes, I do gussy up. When we go out to a nice restaurant that doesn’t require PPE, I’ll put on a dress and makeup. I fix my hair and wear jewelry. So does Bill. We still look like a cute couple, too. But if I’m just going to hang out with the dogs all day, no I’m not putting on makeup for that. I’ll be clean and brush my teeth and hair and take care of all of that other hygiene stuff. Bill doesn’t mind. He never has, because he’s a man of substance who sees beneath the surfaces of everyone. He’s probably a much better man than I deserve, to be honest.

I know there are a lot of men out there who are like Pastor Clark, though. They aren’t attracted to women who don’t “meet their standards” or ring their chimes sexually. And then, when they get older and their wives get tired of being told how fat and ugly and unappealing they are, a lot of the men wind up alone. My mom is single now. She’s happy that way. A few years ago, she decided to do a river cruise in Europe. She got many offers from men to accompany her. She declined. After years of taking care of my dad and putting up with his shit, she’s much happier on her own. Believe me, I can tell.

Rosie O’Donnell makes sense… and Donald Trump hates her for it. I’m sure that Pastor Stewart-Allen Clark does, too. Incidentally, Bill has told me his favorite parts of my body are my eyes… followed by my boobs. But if I lose my boobs because of cancer or something, I expect he’ll still love me anyway.

Anyway… I’m glad I don’t go to Pastor Clark’s church. I think he’s a hypocrite, and I don’t like hypocrisy. I hear what he’s saying about the importance of physical attraction. That is important. But it’s a two way street, and there has to be a lot more to the relationship than just physical attraction. Otherwise, you’re gonna get bored. Real women are better than fake ones… and after awhile, real women get tired of having to put on makeup, curling their hair, starving themselves, and whatever else simply to keep a man’s attention. Especially guys like Pastor Stewart-Allen Clark, who needs to attach his ass AND his mouth to a Soloflex… PERMANENTLY.


Spinning out…

A few days ago, I got bored watching old episodes of Intervention and decided to see what was on Netflix. I happened to notice a new show called Spinning Out. It’s about ice skating, a sport I have always loved to watch. Unfortunately, because I don’t get regular TV over here, I don’t get to watch a lot of live sports. That’s not a big problem most of the time, since I don’t really enjoy most sports. I just like the “girly” ones, like figure skating, gymnastics, and show jumping.

Since I can’t watch sports, I’m kind of a sucker for movies about the sports I like. Spinning Out looked like something that would appeal. It’s basically like a mash up of I,Tonya (a great movie, by the way), Ice Castles, and Cutting Edge, with a dash of 2020 era snark. The cast is hopelessly gorgeous, with 26 year old British actress Kaya Scodelario starring as Kat Baker, a beautiful former ladies single skater with bipolar disorder who had a devastating fall that has almost forced her out of the sport, until she’s talked into becoming a pairs partner to Justin Davis (played by Evan Roderick), an evident asshole who skates beautifully. Actually, I don’t think Justin’s an asshole. He’s just supposed to be one. I kind of like his character. He has a lot of snarky lines and Evan Roderick, as Justin, delivers them convincingly.

Kat and Justin will probably develop some kind of romance… although Kat is being pursued by her co-worker, a black skier and bartender named Marcus Holmes (played by Mitchell Edwards). So far, racism is touched on lightly. He and Kat definitely are supposed have some kind of flirtation going on, but I’m not especially convinced by it. And there’s so much other stuff in play that it seems kind of superfluous that a potential interracial relationship is also thrown in. I’ve got no issues whatsoever with interracial relationships, but I don’t see much on screen chemistry between Kat and Marcus. And I’m at the part in the series at which it looks like they aren’t going to be together, anyway… but maybe the writers will surprise me.

Complicating matters is Kat’s beautiful bipolar mom, Carol Baker (played by January Jones), a former skater who is demanding, annoying, and abusive. Carol interferes with Kat’s plans and sabotages her desires to be independent (and at her age, she really should be, right?). Kat has an enchantingly lovely younger sister, Serena, (played by Willow Shields), also a figure skater who jumps like a jumping bean, but isn’t as mesmerizing to watch as Kat is. Carol uses Serena, who evidently isn’t bipolar, to try to control Kat. Carol also dates Serena’s coach, the super cute Brit Mitch Saunders (played by Will Kemp). I might keep watching just because he’s adorable.

Justin’s father is wealthy and demanding. His stepmother is warm and kind. Justin’s and Kat’s coach is Russian and a little loopy. Kat’s best friend, Jenn Yu (played by Amanda Zhou) is quirky and funny… and it’s all set in the fictional resort town of Sun Valley, someplace out west, although it was filmed in Toronto, Ontario and at Blue Mountain Ski Resort in Ontario. Skating doubles are mostly Canadians. So far, I think they’ve done a great job of making the doubles look very much like the actors.

So… what do I think of the series so far? I’m about halfway through. It’s strangely compulsive viewing. I wasn’t very impressed by the first episode, but I decided to keep watching because I have nothing better to do and I might as well use my Netflix subscription. As I watched a couple more episodes, I was a bit more interested… although– and this is going to shock some people– there is one thing about Spinning Out that I don’t like very much. That is… there’s a whole lot of cussing.

I’m not surprised there’s so much cussing on this show. I watched 13 Reasons Why a couple of years ago. In fact, I resubscribed to Netflix because I wanted to see what all the hubbub was about. I didn’t like 13 Reasons Why for a number of reasons, but one of the main ones that I can remember was the gratuitous amount of swearing throughout the series.

I don’t mind and am definitely not offended by cussing. God knows, I do plenty of it myself. A well used cuss word can be quite effective in any communication. However, when every other word is the word “fuck”, it becomes boring, repetitive, and kind of stupid. I understand Kat Baker yelling “Fuck!” when her car breaks down, but is there any reason why incarnations of the f-word need to be used in place of other adjectives? Sometimes, the cussing is just unnecessary and seems to come down to lazy writing.

And while I enjoyed all of the movies this show seems to have been cobbled from, I do think a lot of it is kind of hackneyed and stale. If a blind figure skater shows up in a future season, I know I’ll quit watching… unless I want to turn it into a drinking game (ie; drink every time a figure skating cliche occurs— ETA- sure enough blindness is in the mix). Ditto to all the drinking… do athletes headed for the Olympics really drink that much and have so much sex? I guess if they showed realistic elite athletic training, it would make for a boring show.

Also, I think there was a misstep in casting. January Jones is not really old enough or mature looking enough to be the mother of the actresses who play her daughters. Kaya Scodelario doesn’t look young enough to be her daughter, so I have a heard time suspending disbelief when it comes to their scenes. Sarah Wright Olsen plays Justin’s stepmother, Mandy Davis, but every time I see her, I think of Jessica Simpson. I mean, she can definitely pull off the trophy wife look, although her on screen husband, James Davis (played by David James Elliott) is about 23 years older than she is. It’s kind of icky.

Still, even though I have a few complaints about this series, I’ll probably watch the rest of season 1. Why? Because I might as well. Some of it is kind of entertaining, even if it is kind of ripped off from other works. Some of the lines are witty. I especially enjoy Dasha, the Russian coach, played by Russian actress Svetlana Efremova. Her hair alone is intriguing. It looks kind of like a bad wig, although I’m not sure it actually is. And I’ll be interested in seeing if they do more with the bipolar angle. So far, I haven’t seen much that indicates the bipolar angle is going to be realistically put into play… but I still have a few episodes to go. Something tells me, it’s not going to be done well, but maybe the writers will surprise me.

Maybe I’ll update or write a sequel for this post. Maybe I won’t. We’ll see if I still care enough once I’ve finished the season.

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, Duggars, Reality TV, Trump

Arm Tootsie…

Special thanks to Wikipedia user Evan-Amos for granting the right to use this photo of a Tootsie Roll.

This morning, Bill and I were enjoying our morning coffee and the subject of reality TV came up. I am in a Facebook group dedicated to snarking on the Duggar family, even though I don’t watch their shows anymore. They’ve simply gotten to be too boring and hypocritical for me to invest the time or money in watching what they do anymore. However, it is kind of fun to read comments from like minded people. I’ve also found that group to be full of bright women who share interesting articles about politics and religion.

Someone shared an article about how Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have wormed their way back into the most recent season of Counting On. I remarked that the Duggars are no different than Donald Trump. Not even a salacious sex scandal can keep them off my TV. And yet they preach about living clean, wholesome, “Christian” lifestyles while they protect their eldest son, Josh, from facing prosecution for molesting his sisters and a babysitter, and marital ramifications for cheating on his long suffering wife, Anna. In the same way, Donald Trump brags about molesting women, yet is championed by the “Christian” right for speaking out against abortion. Trump, of course, gives less than a shit about abortion. He just says what the “Christian right” wants to hear. Case in point… here’s a link to a photo showing the orange menace cozying up to a pastor at a Baptist Christian college. Nauseating and hypocritical as hell… this man grabs women by their pussies, after all. Even if this photo is “shopped”, look at the comments from all the Christian Trump worshipers. It makes no sense whatsoever.

I told Bill that I don’t watch the Duggars on TV anymore because I find them too dull and depressing, but I do still watch the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders’ show on CMT. However, even though I’ve been watching DCC on CMT since 2007, I think I might stop after this season. Why? Because that show has also gotten boring, repetitive, and full of gimmicks. I mean, it’s the same shit every year. They show these impossibly beautiful, talented, and mostly intelligent women donning spandex at their physical peaks. Being beautiful isn’t enough to be a DCC, though. They have to be able to kick high, dance long, and fake being nice to everyone. Some of them keep trying out year after year, only to be cut at the last minute.

I think about how seriously the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders’ powers that be take themselves, as these women make a pittance dancing for a famous football team. They are required to maintain a look that includes full makeup at all times, great clothes, hair done perfectly and sometimes with extensions, expensive haircuts, and color jobs, and apparently, false eyelashes. To make the team, they have to invest in expensive costumes and dance classes. And yet, they don’t get paid for a lot of this stuff. Every year, Kelli Finglass and Judy Trammell talk about how tough the audition is, that it’s tougher than even Broadway… but they don’t pay the women enough that they could make cheerleading their job.

Okay… so it’s cool that they can perform with Queen, even without Freddie Mercury. I would consider that a perk, although I’d rather sing than dance. 😉

So what is the draw? They get to wear that unforgiving uniform, shaking their asses in front of thousands of people. And sometimes, they end up meeting someone that can improve their stations in life. I have read about former cheerleaders going on to marry wealthy men, launching careers in show business, or otherwise latching on to a more luxurious or prestigious lifestyle. That’s a powerful draw, but God forbid if one of the cheerleaders tells Kelli or Judy that they see being a DCC as a “stepping stone” or that “they make the uniform”. It’s almost like they’ve joined a cult– you’d better not presume to be more powerful than a polyester uniform that barely covers your body. You’d better not admit that you hope the DCC will lead you to bigger and better things in life, even if the pay is less than minimum wage. You’d better make them believe that DCC is it– and that there is nothing better. It’s the pinnacle of your showbiz career.

Well… I think that’s ridiculous and kind of sad. It’s almost as sad as a 47 year old woman like me watching the show, although I will admit that it’s fun to watch them dance on the rare occasions that dancing is shown. But even CMT must realize that the show is getting stale, because now they’re bringing in new choreographers who have become famous thanks to shows like So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With the Stars. They show us scripted “natural” outings featuring the women getting facials or hanging out at the dog park. And they’ve brought on former DCC Melissa Rycroft, who doesn’t interest me that much, but is herself a DWTS winner. We no longer see DCC wannabes getting their body fat measured at fancy Dallas spas or being put through their paces by Jay Johnson. Instead, we see guest choreographers helping Kelli and Judy pick the new team. I did enjoy the most recent choreographers, Evan Miller, and Tyce Diorio, although Miller should have spit out his gum before filming.

Seriously… spit out the gum!

Anyway, all of this discussion leads me to the title of today’s post. I told Bill that there was a time when being a DCC meant you might wind up the “arm candy” of some wealthy or powerful guy. I don’t think that’s necessarily still the case, but it might be for some of the women. Unfortunately, in many cases, being “arm candy” is a temporary gig, since the people who are most often looking for “trophies” to show off tend to get bored, and want a younger, prettier model, even as they’re getting older and less attractive. I don’t think such relationships typically have much staying power in the long run. There are some exceptions, of course.

And then I laughed and said, “I mean, I know I’m arm candy for you, Bill… or maybe I’m more like an arm Tootsie Roll.” I expected him to laugh, but I didn’t hear him chuckle, so I asked “You don’t think that’s funny?”

“Actually, it’s hilarious.” Bill said. I have my moments, sometimes.

Speaking of trash… yesterday, someone called me trash because I reminded her that she worships a man who brags about molesting women. A Facebook friend said Donald Trump was “trash”. She took offense and argued with him, and I wrote this:

…guess you would enjoy having him grab you by the pussy with his tiny orange hands. He absolutely is trash. If he weren’t filthy rich, he would never so much as get a security clearance for a low level government job. In fact, he would probably be in prison for rape or extortion.

And her very eloquent and intellectual response was this:

You are trash to say that to me!

I found her comment amusing, so this was my response. I will admit to being “condescending”, which I prefer not to be when possible, because I don’t like it when people patronize me. But I also think she kind of deserved it…

I’m “trash”, huh? Is that all you’ve got? At least I don’t worship men who brag about molesting women. You have a nice day, dear.

I mean, Trump literally got caught BRAGGING about “grabbing women by the pussy”. He confesses to hitting on women he knows are married. Trump is absolutely the type of man who wants “arm candy” at his side and discards them when they get to be too old and/or unattractive. And yet, people like this woman who thinks I’m “trash” worship him. I don’t understand it. I wonder if she considers herself a “Christian”, too. Does she think calling a perfect stranger “trash” for correctly pointing out Trump’s hypocrisy is a Christian thing to do?

But then, I also don’t understand how the Duggar family is still on TV. I guess it’s because of people like me, giving them airtime. Well, I’m working on weaning myself off of trashy reality TV. Maybe next year, I’ll give up on the DCC, too. I might even become an Arm Dairy Milk for Bill. I’ve got goals, you know.