Yesterday, we got more snow, and I expect that today, it will all melt. We’re expecting warmer temperatures that will dissolve the snow from yesterday, along with the snow that didn’t melt last week. This weather is more like what we had in Jettingen, circa 2014-15. I remember then, we had snow that hung around for weeks and looked horrible, because it was all dirty and covered in dog pee.
We moved up here in late 2018, but until this year, we’ve had little snow. I think there was a good storm last year, but I don’t remember it being even as much as what we had last week. I like snow fine, as long as I don’t have to go out in it. But sometimes, I get tired of it, too.
I mentioned yesterday that I was feeling a little worried, depressed, and nutty, which isn’t too abnormal at this time of year for me, or for a lot of other people. After I took a nap, I decided that maybe it would be good to record some music. When I saw that Karaoke-Version.com had just released a karaoke version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by James Taylor and Natalie Cole, I decided I had to try it.
I know not everyone likes the song, mainly because people today think it glorifies date rape. Well, I’m here to tell you that glorifying date rape and ignoring consent for sex is not what was intended when the song was written. It was meant to be a cute parlor song for ending the evening, not a song about sexual consent or lack thereof. But, leave it to today’s social justice warriors to cancel something they don’t really understand.
When “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was written by Frank Loesser, no one was thinking about spiking beverages with roofies. People were worried about their reputations among friends and family members. Those who had the hots for each other had to think of respectable ways to get around the rules regarding the mores of the time. Hence the excuse that it’s “too cold” for the lady to go home… It has nothing at all to do with being “rapey”.
In any case, I didn’t even think James and Natalie had that much chemistry in their version of the duet. However, I am very familiar with their version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, and Karaoke-Version had a good rendition of it with a competent male singer doing James’s part. So I gave it a whirl. Below is the end result.
This morning, I woke up to the below comment…
“Great cover. I especially liked the facial expressions. Can you tell us what life is like in Germany? Maybe just little slice of life moments that intro us to your next song?”
I had to laugh at this comment, because obviously this guy doesn’t know about my blogs. If he really wants to know about my life in Germany, he can hit the motherlode on WordPress. He’d probably learn a lot more than he even wants to know. I even put the address of my blog on the channel. And while I appreciate both the compliment, and the time he took to comment on my cover, I really just go to YouTube to sing. I’m not there to talk much… although I suppose I could. I just don’t see the point, because most of my videos aren’t monetized. I do occasionally put up non musical videos, but most of the stuff I do for YouTube is copyrighted by someone else. And I sing on YouTube because I enjoy making music. I write here because I enjoy writing.
I also wonder why people feel like they need to offer unsolicited advice to other people on how they do things. I don’t mind when people make song suggestions, although I can’t promise I can always deliver. Sometimes the song doesn’t work for my voice. Sometimes I don’t like the lyrics. That happened to me once on SingSnap. Some guy wanted me to sing lyrics on a song he’d written, but it was a song about a woman who was addressing a homewrecking hussy. Since I am a second wife who has been falsely accused of being a homewrecker, that song didn’t sit right with me.
La Twat told her kids that Bill cheated on her with me. That’s NOT the truth. In fact, the opposite is true. She cheated on Bill… and she cheated with Bill on her first ex husband. So, generally speaking, I don’t want to do songs about homewrecking hussies. There are other topics that are off limits, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head right now.
But anyway, although I can think of other songs James Taylor has done that I’ve liked better, I decided to do his version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, because that song has become a Christmas staple, even though it’s not really a Christmas song. And yesterday, we had snow, which is not so normal in Germany anymore. After I uploaded that song, I decided to do another… Below is my take on Ella Fitzgerald’s version of “I Get a Kick Out of You.” I think it turned out okay, although I’d rather do Dinah Washington’s version, which is a little more upbeat and has a great horn solo. But there are no backing tracks available for Dinah’s version yet, so I was stuck with Ella’s.
I physically felt a lot better after I did these songs, by the way… even though it took forever to get them uploaded. Our Internet has been very slow lately.
I was doing well until this morning, when I woke up to answer the call of nature, and checked the Internet. There, I was confronted with a scary YouTube video about pancreatic cancer. I do have some of the symptoms, but my guess is that I have gallstones. I think that because if I had cancer, I’d probably be dead by now. Or, at least I’d be a lot sicker than I am. Anyway… sooner or later, I’m probably going to have to deal with this problem. Or, it will deal with me… 😀
I don’t want to be a v-logger. I don’t want to ruin the vibe of my YouTube channel by speaking. Because when I talk, I tend to say way too much. My “slice of life” in Germany quips would probably not be lighthearted and jolly anecdotes that make people feel good. I really think I’m better off just singing. And if you want to know more about me than that, you can always read my blog… and get a lot more than you ever bargained for.
I’ll tell you something else… when I make recordings, I tend to focus a lot on making the recording and not messing up. If I have to talk, too, then the song part will be less “perfect”. I know perfection generally isn’t possible, but I like to get as close to it as I can.
This all being said, I won’t necessarily rule out the guy’s suggestion. I never thought I’d actually appear in my videos, and yet, here I am. It took awhile before I felt confident enough to be on camera, but now it’s no big deal. And I mainly go on camera now, because it’s easier than making videos with photos, and people tend to watch the videos I’m actually in. So, I guess I’m not ugly to look at… in spite of drive-by assholes who occasionally drop by with mean spirited comments.
Well, yesterday, we put a new feather topper on our bed, so I may need to adjourn so I can enjoy it some more, having risen at 4:00 AM. Gonna practice my guitar and get on with the day. Perhaps I’ll be back tomorrow.
You might say today’s post is a continuation of the one I wrote on Monday. I probably shouldn’t write this, because no one seems interested in the post that is parenting it. But I’m not known for having the ability to let things go. 😉
As I was sitting here pondering what I wanted to blog about today, now that my Armenia series is finished, I considered a few topics. There’s the controversy over Dolly Parton’s impressive Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outfit for her halftime show on Thanksgiving Day. I have seen the performance, and I think Dolly rocked it. She looked pretty awesome in that costume, and she showed a lot of moxie for wearing it. I mean, she’s 77 years old! I know a lot of 17 year olds who would not be able to wear that outfit without looking completely ridiculous. Dolly can still pull it off. I say, let her wear it, and STFU… but that’s just me. I am with Dolly’s younger sister, Stella, on the haters out there. Shame on them!
Then I found myself listening to the utterly puke worthy 80s song, “I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene. I’ve been making an 80s nostalgia playlist, and even though that song makes me kind of nauseous, I decided to download it, anyway. It was on a compilation album that had a bunch of other songs on it that were either much better, or were also guilty pleasure hits from that era. I may have to write an in depth post on Charlene’s song about how it’s better to be a married woman with a child than someone who’s been all over the world and made love to kings. I mean, I guess I get the point that being attached to someone and having a family can be wonderful. But so can travel and independence and experiencing new and interesting things. Not everyone wants to change diapers and stay in the same place where they went to high school.
Then, after I finished some of the mundane Wednesday chores I do, because I’m a housewife, I ventured to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism). There, I saw the contentious thread I referenced in my earlier post had been updated. It was already a long thread, so after two new responses, it was closed. The transgender poster who had called out “overly helpful diva”, had responded to another poster who had taken great pains to be sensitive and helpful. The other poster had written that she didn’t want to “psychoanalyze” the transgender person. And the transgender person responded:
I don’t need a psychoanalysis, I just need you and [others] to listen.
About eight months back anybody started a thread about a fundie school refusing to play another school and it turned into a cesspool of bunk science and cissexism, the belief that trans people are worth less than cis people. I got sick of hearing posters who dealt with Mormonism and its abusive hierarchy demeaning trans people in a similar way so I called them out for it.
That’s when I found out this board tolerates transphobia more than calling transphobia out. Read it for yourself if you have the stomach for it.
I don’t need to debate people who consider my loved ones “less equal.” And over something as childish as throwing a ball or running.
Again… this isn’t an issue I know anything about, and it’s not something for which I have particularly strong feelings. However, I do think I can muster some empathy for this person, because they have experienced discrimination and adversity. They are trying to share their perspective. I understand that it probably is very frustrating, because for so long, no one cared at all about those who are transgender. They were basically just labeled as freaks and perverts.
Now, in 2023, some people are starting to listen to them and realize that they have needs that need to be expressed and addressed. At the same time, I also think it’s unrealistic to expect people to change their opinions and perspectives on a dime. That kind of change is going to take time. I’ll probably never see it in my lifetime. It might happen after I’m dead, provided the Earth doesn’t self-destruct. The main thing is, I think people should try to have some empathy and an attitude of helpfulness and kindness. At least at first.
Once again, overly helpful diva chimed in, even though she wasn’t specifically called out or addressed in the above comment. Her response was this:
You feel lots of rage. That means you’re right.
Once again, she contributed a dismissive, discounting, sniping, and just plain rude and unempathic comment. Why did overly helpful diva need to add that snarky barb? Hadn’t she already posted enough? I think she’s repeatedly made herself quite clear. But she obviously didn’t think she had posted enough, because she had to have the last word… and sadly, the thread closed with her parting shot. For once, I’d like to see someone else have the last word in their online interactions with her.
You see, it’s not that I don’t think overly helpful diva sometimes makes good points. She is good at arguing, and as it was pointed out in that thread, she is a “talented researcher”. But she seemingly lacks the ability to soften her approach and realize that sometimes, the other person has a point, too. She behaves like someone who can never be wrong. And while she has no problem calling me and other people out when she thinks we’re out of line, she is not one to accept the same treatment from other people. When she gets called out, she becomes condescending and patronizing. If that doesn’t work, she’s sarcastic and rude. She’s a hypocrite.
I’m not even trying to say the transgender person wasn’t also rude. But that person has a personal stake in this argument that is beyond just being a woman who has fought for fairness and equality in sports. Add in the fact that the transgender person also grew up in Mormonism, and you have someone with a lot of raw feelings. And, it just seems to me, that if you’re constantly going to be taking a superior attitude toward people, maybe you might have some compassion for what that person has been through and continues to endure. That, to me, would be more impressive than resorting to sarcasm and rudeness.
Or, if it’s not possible to be compassionate, perhaps just shutting up would be preferable. Simply let that person have their say without chiming in with unnecessary insults. I mean, someone who really is superior would do that, right? It was the advice overly helpful diva gave me when I addressed the MEAN person who insulted Arran when he died. She unhelpfully advised me not to respond to the “troll”, even though I did so in a basically even-handed way. Perhaps she should heed her own advice and restrain herself from “adding fuel to the fire”, as she put it, and offering advice nobody wants or needs.
I feel sorry for the moderators on RfM. They have a tough job. Between people who are hurting deeply due to religious abuse and family dysfunction, arrogant people who can’t follow their own advice, and people like me, who write about these incidents, it can’t be easy to run that board. But one thing I would tell the moderators, if they cared about my opinion, is that people who act like the “overly helpful diva” are not conducive to encouraging communication. She may not outwardly tell people to shut up, but her overbearing insistence that she’s always right is a barrier to conversation. I find her very off putting, and knowing that she might chime in on something I post makes me hesitate to post anything there anymore. Sometimes, it actually feels unsafe.
In fairness to “overly helpful diva”, there are other rude and abrasive people who post there, too. I just don’t seem to clash as much with them. I, for one, have developed a distaste for a certain male atheist who posts on RfM. I think Alexis knows of whom I write. He bothers me less than the overly helpful diva, though. I just skip over his posts. It’s too bad. There are a lot of interesting, intelligent, and very kind people who hang out on RfM. When it’s good, it’s really good. But when it’s bad, it can be downright terrible. I’ll always be grateful to RfM for introducing me to some good books and music, too. I’ve found a lot of the people there have great taste in things to listen to and read.
Anyway, I just wanted to get all of that off my chest. I’m not saying the “overly helpful diva” is 100 percent wrong in her opinions about this particular issue. I’m saying that her delivery sucks, and she turns people off by being an all knowing, condescending, sarcastic jerk. And the older I get, the less time I have for her, and her ilk. 😀
Today’s main blog post isn’t going to be about my time in Armenia. That may be a relief to some of my regulars. I have one more blow by blow post for my travel blog, then my usual “ten things I learned” post. Then, Armenia is history… for the time being, anyway. 😉
I used to spend a lot of time on the Recovery from Mormonism messageboard. For years, I read it on a daily basis, even though it would often become contentious. There are a lot of angry, hurting people that hang out in that community, and sometimes they can be really argumentative toward each other. It’s not uncommon to see people insulting others there, name calling, arguing, and just plain being rude. On the other hand, sometimes people can be very supportive and kind. I have made several decent online friends from the RfM community… people I think are truly good people and I could be friends with offline. However, I’ve also run into people I don’t like, and wouldn’t want to meet in person.
I’ve written a couple of times in this blog about certain posters on that site who get on my nerves. They tend to be “all knowing” types, who feel quite comfortable in confronting people whenever they think they’ve somehow been “offensive”. For example, I distinctly remember, during Christmas of 2019, Bill and I were in France and some jackasses popped our tire when we were at a rest stop. We saw the people who damaged our tire. They were swarthy men, who appeared to be from a certain group of people well known in Europe for running scams. Now, I don’t know for absolute certain that those guys were Roma– but when Bill went to the police station to report the crime, he was told that they were most likely either Roma, or perhaps from northern Africa. It’s a fact that certain people from those groups perpetrate crimes in Europe. But neither I, nor the police, ever insinuated that EVERYONE from those areas does criminal things, nor did I indicate that I think they’re bad people overall.
So, when I was relating the story on RfM, a couple of people took me to task for “assuming” the perpetrators were Roma. They basically called me a racist. Naturally, that didn’t sit well with me, particularly since none of these people even know me personally. I will admit that, like most people, I probably do have some racist proclivities. However, even if that’s the case, no one wants to explicitly be called a racist when all they’re trying to do is share an experience. It’s offensive. It would be one thing if I’d made very bold blanket statements that indicated that I think all “swarthy” people are criminals. But I was simply describing the physical appearance of the people who had popped our tire, and relating what the police had told us. It seemed to me that taking me to task for that post was unnecessarily hostile and aggressive, and it made me think twice about whether or not I wanted to share anything there anymore.
When I pushed back against the chief offender, a person I’ll call “overly helpful diva”, got snotty with me. Because obviously, it’s fine for her to call me a racist, but it’s not fine for me to defend myself, or tell her she’s wrong to say that about someone she doesn’t even know. What the hell kind of reaction does she expect when she hurls offensive labels at people?
Then, several months later, Mary Kay LeTourneau died. Someone posted about it on RfM. I posted that I had empathy for Mary Kay’s loved ones. No, I don’t condone what she did. She committed rape against a child. It was right that she went to prison and had to register as a sex offender. However, her victim didn’t see himself as a victim. He later married Mary Kay. They had two children together. He was at her side on the day she died, even though they had divorced. And even though I think that case is strange, and I don’t understand it, I do understand that my personal feelings about that case matter a hell of a lot less than how the actual victim feels about it. He loved her, in spite of her crime against him. He’s also now well into adulthood, and is free to feel any way he wants to about what happened to him and the person who perpetrated the crime.
Well, that same person, along with another poster, took me to task for that, too. One of them went as far as to call me a “rape apologist”. That was extremely offensive to me. I certainly don’t condone rape, and labeling me in such a way simply because I acknowledged someone’s humanity is ridiculous. I think that most people are worth more than whatever bad things they’ve done. I also don’t like black and white thinking, hypocrisy, or people thinking they have the right to tell me what to think, how to feel, or what to say. So, that incident also went down in my long log of memories that told me that poster is someone with whom I’d rather not engage.
I vented about the incident in my blog, then actively avoided RfM for months, because I could not bear to interact with that person again. I was very angry with her for inserting herself in an interaction that didn’t involve her, and offering me unwelcome and unsolicited advice when I was grieving a family member. She had basically told me to shut up, rather than allowing me to handle the situation in my own way. She wrote that responding to the mean troll was just “adding fuel to the fire”.
I almost wonder if she read my post here, because ever since then, she’s left me alone. I’m fine with that. I can’t stand people who are “overly helpful” toward me and think I need their special help. I really don’t need their help in communicating. Their insistence on advising me in such matters is insulting and offensive. I don’t post much on RfM anymore, anyway. I no longer have a need to post there… although I do sometimes read there when I’m bored.
A few days ago, someone on RfM posted a tribute to the overly helpful diva. And in the course of that post, a person who wasn’t a fan of hers, nor some of the other more active posters, chimed in on the thread. The non-fan of the overly helpful diva identifies as transgender, and apparently had an argument with the overly helpful advice giver, and a few others, about transgender athletes.
I didn’t see the original offending RfM post, nor was I actively involved in the post I’m referencing in this post. However, I did take note of how the overly helpful person responded when she was called out for being transphobic and bigoted. She was insulted and offended, just as I was when she implied that I was a racist, and when she’d agreed with the person who called me a “rape apologist”.
However, instead of having a rational conversation with the person who was calling her out and, I think, making some valid points about her responses, she became condescending, discounting, and argumentative. I noticed that she couldn’t simply practice her own counsel toward me and “stop adding fuel to the fire”. She had to address the person who called her out, and was, in the end, quite dismissive. It struck me as a very superior and arrogant response to someone who probably knows a hell of a lot more about the experience of being transgender than she does.
I didn’t add anything to the discussion myself. I didn’t want to add “fuel” to the fire, after all. 😉 Once again, I found overly helpful RfM diva’s responses insufferable and infuriating, and I had empathy for the person who had taken her on– even though the initial post had been complimentary toward the overly helpful diva. I noticed that she felt fine in repeatedly defending herself… but when I tried to do the same thing in a similar interaction with her, she got snotty, dismissive, and rude.
While I have no desire to wade into the topic on which they are arguing, I will say that I felt empathy for the poster who says they’re leaving RfM because of her, and people who act like her. I don’t know how I feel about the topic at hand. I don’t know enough about it, as it’s neither something that interests me, nor anything that affects me personally. But I do know how it feels to be dismissed, discounted, and name called on that messageboard by overly helpful diva and her ilk. And I did notice that when that happened to the overly helpful diva, she didn’t seem to like it any more than I had.
I think I’m at a point in which I’ve realized that most messageboards and groups on social media are often unworthy of the effort of joining. A lot of them eventually become toxic, as people clash and turn on each other. I did enjoy RfM a lot, back in the day. It was often helpful and entertaining, especially once I got to a point at which people quit calling me a liar about Bill’s situation… or assuming I was an evil stepmother (how could I be? I have only met my stepdaughters in person once, over twenty years ago!). But lately, it seems overtaken by this person and her overbearing, overwhelming personality, and her need to argue, belittle, and “prove wrong” anyone who has a different perspective than she has.
And when I read that stuff, and notice her reaction to it when people take her to task, I just want to tell her… “Sometimes we teach best what we most need to learn.” Then, I would follow up by advising her– if I were the kind to offer unsolicited advice— that instead of pointing out other people’s issues and faults and labeling them as “racists” or “rape apologists”, or telling them how to respond to other people, she might want to take a deep breath and check her own responses. She doesn’t know everything. Sometimes, her logic is flawed. And sometimes, she should simply shut the fuck up and listen. Maybe she might learn something new.
I literally cheered when the transgender told her she was “full of shit”. There’s some real truth in those words. But then, I think most of us are full of shit sometimes, myself included. The difference is, I’m willing to admit that. I don’t think the overly helpful diva ever has been willing to admit that sometimes, she’s totally full of shit.
I may not agree with everything the transgender poster wrote, but I did offer a hearty virtual high five when they declared to overly helpful diva, “I’m done compromising for people like you.” Bravo! I couldn’t have put it better myself. Life is short. Compromise for no one, unless they really deserve it. Most of the time, overly helpful divas don’t deserve the time of day, let alone an apology so that we can simply “go along to get along.” That’s how people end up with depression, anxiety, and in the worst cases, feeling uninterested in living anymore. So, by all means, feel free to tell the overly helpful diva to fuck off, and live your best life. 😀
I got a rather late start this morning. Or, it was late by my standards. I usually get up between 5:00 and 5:30 AM most days. Today, I got up at about 4:00 AM to answer the call of nature, went back to sleep, and didn’t wake up until almost 7:00. It was pretty nice, actually. I don’t have a real need to be up at 5:00, but I often wake up then, because that’s when Bill gets up most days.
After almost 21 years of marriage, I’ve come to follow his patterns because it’s easier. I’m also pretty productive most mornings. I like getting things done early in the day, so I can fuck off later… or maybe do something musical. I did make a video yesterday, expressly for Alex. I posted it last night, but had to repost this morning, because I somehow neglected to get the very beginning of the song. I think it’s because I was getting tired. I had the song about 85% nailed within a few minutes, but I can be a perfectionist about recordings. I think the take that finally made it to video was #30. I’m not sorry about that, by the way. It kept me busy and distracted.
Below is the link to the edited video without the missing opening measures.
So… about today’s topic…
As I was looking at my Facebook memories, I found an intriguing post from 2018 about how some doctors have a tendency to focus too much on a person’s weight when they present for examination. Below is a screenshot.
Because I’m a masochist with too much time on my hands, I decided to look at the comments on the original post. I wasn’t surprised to find the usual belittling, insulting, victim blaming, shaming, arrogant, condescending, armchair psychoanalyzing, and all of the other shitty behaviors that comes at people who dare to comment on posts such as the above one. What’s especially funny about this post is that it’s from before the pandemic, when everyone and their brother had gone to the Google School of Medicine and Public Health. I’m surprised I survived the worst of the COVID era… although it’s entirely possible that we haven’t even been through it yet. You never know what the future holds.
Lots of people– mostly women– were sharing their personal stories of being dismissed, lectured, and treated with condescension by healthcare providers. And as they tried to relate to the cartoon, they got more of the same shit from perfect strangers with “correctile dysfunction”. It’s a waste of time trying to have a meaningful dialogue on social media, since so many people feel the need to show their metaphorical asses to everyone, rather than be courteous, and have basic empathy and kindness for their fellow man. I’ll admit, it’s easy to fall into that pattern of behavior, especially when someone is egregiously obnoxious.
I read quite a few posts before I got to one that made me stop in my tracks…
This is all I ever hear. I am severely overweight. I need my knees replaced but insurance won’t do it till my BMI 35 or lower. I can’t walk or stand very long due to the pain. I cant do water aerobics because I cant get out of the pool by myself and the gym is not allowed to help me. I cut my fat, cholesterol and amount of food I eat but I’m still not losing. I know it’s the lack of exercise but my doctor just keeps telling me to try harder. No help declined my request for physical therapy where I can get help in and out of the pool. My depression is so bad I am thinking of ending it all.
I really felt empathy for this woman. I don’t have problems like she does. I can still walk, and get up and down stairs. Hell, I recently explored several caves, which required some stamina. The first one, which had 456 steps going down, then up again (so 912 steps), was pretty difficult for me. But I still managed to do it without any ill effect. My knees are still good. I don’t have bad ankles or hips, either. I do have some lower back pain, which I know would be helped if I lost weight and got a new mattress. But overall, I have a pretty resilient body that has historically been ridiculously healthy. I think I inherited my parents’ strong constitutions. Dad died at 81, in spite of being an alcoholic and having Lewy Body Dementia. Mom is still going strong at 85 years old.
I’ve gotten away with not seeing doctors for many years, and I will admit, I mainly avoid them because I don’t want to waste time or money being lectured about a complicated problem that can’t be immediately solved simply because a doctor ordered it. I’m not stupid. I know it’s unhealthy to be overweight. But when I visit a doctor, I expect immediate help with the specific problem that brought me to their office, not lectures and shaming by someone who doesn’t really know anything about me other than what they see.
If I’m sitting on an exam table with a problem that needs to be addressed immediately, I expect it to be addressed ahead of lectures about my weight. Especially if the doctor doesn’t actually have advice that will work, and isn’t based on actually knowing something about me, and my lifestyle. It’s not helpful to simply tell someone to eat less and move more. If it were that simple, we’d have a lot fewer fat people.
I could identify with this woman’s predicament. I certainly don’t know what led her to be as heavy as she is/was in 2018. The simple answer is, she somehow took in too many calories for her body and didn’t exercise enough to burn them off. But what caused her to consume too many calories? What caused her not to get enough exercise? What is the best way to help her get back into balance? How can she be helped in a way that isn’t demeaning, insulting, and self-defeating? How can she be convinced that she’s worth helping, rather than just giving into despair and “ending it all”, as she put it.
There were a lot of comments on this particular cartoon post. Some of them spawned separate threads of their own with a bunch of responses. They were often tit for tat, “let’s compare qualifications” types of comments, that were unhelpful. I’m sure you’ve seen those types of comments yourself. They have a lot more to do with a person’s ego and personal biases than actually offering anything helpful to the conversation. But, if you’re unclear on what I mean, have a look at this exchange …
During my recent pregnancy, I gained very little weight and my OB told me I obviously led a very healthy lifestyle, but I also had to have extra ultrasounds and was considered “high risk” because of obesity. The disconnect between weight and perceived health is real.
A guy who doesn’t know this woman at all wrote this response:
what disconnect? The more weight you have on you the harder your heart has to work, it’s basic a&p, there is a very distinctive line on what your weight should be according to your structure (height, muscle fitness, genes ect) and if it’s not within those parameters (that medical professionals studied and developed for longer than you have been alive) then yes by medical definition you are overweight, and there’s not a single person in the world that’s overweight and is healthy, it’s medically and physically impossible.
A different person took him on, writing this response:
Considering how little information is on your profile it looks like you’re not a medical professional. You need to stop acting like one. As someone who’s actually studying nutrition and psychology none of what you said is true. Infact most healthy people are overweight. Being in peak shape with little extra body fat has been proven to make you less able to fight disease. There is morbidly obese, you can start having health issues due to weight at that point. But do you know what the number one indicator for chronic disease actually is? Prolonged stress.
Bold guy came back with this comment and a link:
I hope you’re joking, you went digging into my profile, which is private, and you determined I wasn’t a medical professional because my profile is private, excellent use of brain cells.
I’m not going to respond to rest of the gibberish, as this article singlehandedly dismantles the said gibberish, I suggest you read it before you plan your next stupid internet excursion.
***I’d like to point out that you control what’s public on your profile. Whatever is publicly posted on your profile for people who aren’t your “friends” is not “private” information. If you don’t know that, you probably shouldn’t be on the Internet, let alone working with people who have medical problems. I’d also like to point out that I don’t think this guy has ever helped anyone, if he has, in fact, ever worked in healthcare. ***
Italics person wrote:
a Heath line article lmao, yeah you’re probably not a professional otherwise you’d mention creditials other than just working in a hospital and bring up something literally any idiocy could Google. I’ve been a CNA going on 7+ years. Working in homecare, LTC acute care and a rehab unit. Stop spreading misinformation. I’m using real science. I’m studying for a PHD at MNSU. Getting into research not the clinical side of healthcare. Having little body fat does not a healthy person make. BMI doesn’t take into account muscle mass and nutritionists don’t like using that as a form a measurement. How someone feels should be the determine factor for health. Flexibility, good eating habits and overall strength and mental well-being are signs of good health and healthy people come in all shapes and sizes. People who push their body to limits to fit into strict guidelines aren’t going to be any more healthy than an overweight person, who is active, gets good rest and good nutrition. Infact that person putting their body through intense stress in order to be aesthetically easing may be less able to fight off disease and might be prone to injury. If you actually care about those you take care of, check yourself.
Bold guy– a supposed “seasoned” physician’s assistant, came back with:
I’m not going to read this bs story, I’ve been an ER PA for 3 years, prior to that I was a paramedic. (Count in the 5 years of school in between)
It’s not pushing your body to “limits” it’s eating healthy food and exercising. The less weight you have on you, the less your heart has to work, are you just not understanding that aspect of human anatomy? Do you not understand that your heart is the most important muscle in your body, and you destroy it by poor diet.
That article provides FACTS, Percentages… pulled directly from government statistics (please see sources before you just throw away important information just because it doesn’t agree with your rhetoric) if those OBJECTIVE SCIENCE backed statistics still don’t change your mind, then go on eat like shit, be happy, and I’ll see you in morgue before age 50, have a nice day, I’m not going to argue with a CNA who claims to know more than doctors.
***I’d like to know what drew this guy to work in healthcare. Was it just the paycheck? He doesn’t seem to care about people.***
Italics person wrote:
what Nutrition education do paramedics have? My professor for my emergency classes was taught stuff by me about both diabetics and my own personal congenital heart defect. You work in acute and emergency care you aren’t qualified to speak about chronic conditions
More from bold guy:
“insert 5 years of school” Why do you think it takes a few month to become a CNA and a minimum of 5 years to become a PA and that’s extremely fast. Do you see how stupid you sound? Go on and find a provider at your hospital, tell him what you told me here, show them this convo, you will be slayed.
***Really? Why is he in healthcare? I want to know.***
Italics person wrote:
7+ years experience accounts for more than a few months don’t you think? Also read, I’ll be in school a lot longer than 5 years to complete my degree. I’ll I had to explain to my GP what the phrase neurdivergent meant. Y’all need to see people for people. Your patients are individuals.
More from bold guy… If he really is a PA, he shouldn’t be.
wtf dude you are delusional, I have already completed my school, and my fellowship… you’re a CNA…you assist nurses in completing my orders and clean up shit… and you’re trying to explain medical ethics to me… just blows my fucking mind, the audacity
More from italics person…
again seriously fucking read, I’m a PHD candidate and I should show this shit to your employers if you can’t respect the people who do your fucking grunt work you shouldn’t have a position in healthcare. I have other coworkers who are in medical school and do the same job as me.thinking I’m unintelligent because I’m a CNA..It’s pretty shocking that I do have to lecture you about ethics. You should know better.
Bold guy continued:
good grief…. I don’t have to respect idiots that spread misinformation because they’re obese and want to fit in, you don’t think we have those? Fucking HR nightmare; funnily enough they are always doing some “masters or PhD program” it’s like literally the same story. And they never win and always get fired, because they say stupid shit and talk back to providers.
You keep living in your fantasy world that in 5 years you’ll graduate or do whatever, that’s a long time, and you ain’t done shit yet, because you’re just a cna, that’s it, those are your qualification, and end to your scope of practice, and your knowledge as far as I am concerned. 7 years ago I was still and EMTB, not even a P, now I’m a PA-C, and you’re telling me I should listen to you
Response from italics person:
Just a CNA, like I don’t hold the hands of patients while they die. Ive had a career for nearly a decade and “I haven’t done anything yet”. Nice dude. I feel so fucking sorry for anyone in your care. I’m screenshotting shit and finding out your employer. I am an HR nightmare. I bet they would be really interested to hear about your neglect of obese patients and disrespect of your coworkers. Just because I didn’t have the money to go to school till recently doesn’t mean I’m not any less valuable in an emergency situation. I’ve saved many a life and helped many people cross over because I’ve worked in both hospice and acute care. Been a scheduler too, that’s some shit. I’ve had on weeks on call and worked shifts that are 24 hours and given CPR and both lost and saved a life. I’ve held people waiting for paramedics in pools of blood trying to stop bleeding after finding a bad fall, been a first response for people having seizures or strokes on and off the clock. Just cause I don’t make as much money as you doesn’t mean I have less knowledge or less experience. I can’t do things out of the scope of my practice because of my license that doesn’t mean I just wipe ass and if that’s something you turn your nose down on you arent fucking qualified to do your job.
You are what is wrong with healthcare. Some young ass bro of a PA, the seasoned RNs that work with you most likely think you’re useless. That’s like saying you don’t know shit cause you don’t have a PHD.
And italics finished with:
Basing your medical opinions of the very strict parameters of BMI isnt in line with current nutritional standards. Maybe you need to go back to school too. Overall weight doesn’t account for muscle mass and looking at a obese patient and thinking that what they need to do is simply lose weight without trying to assess what caused the weight gain in the first place is setting you up for some malpractice, and any good clinician right now shouldn’t have the fucking time to argue on Facebook
I wasn’t going to include the entire above exchange because it’s so long. However, I think it’s a good example of what I mean when it comes to these kinds of conversations people have on social media. Notice these two supposed healthcare professionals quickly devolved into personal insults and “sword comparisons” of their supposed qualifications. Neither of them seem very professional, although if I had a problem, I think I’d rather deal with the CNA who is getting a PhD.
—You can be the greatest clinician in the world, but if your personality is so arrogant and insufferable that I can’t even stand to listen to you, you can’t help me. Moreover, if the PA is calling people names, using profanity while citing credentials, and demonstrates general disdain toward people who need help, he is not someone I want to waste time seeing, let alone paying for medical help. He is immature, abusive, and just plain doesn’t care. With his crappy attitude, maybe he should work in a laboratory, instead of with patients.
There were a number of tit for tat arguments like the one above, and they got a bunch of comments. Yet here was this comment from a poor woman who actually needed REAL HELP. Not only was she suffering physically because of her weight and the negative health effects obesity has had on her body, she was in so much emotional and physical pain that she was thinking of “ending it all”.
Her post got six replies, one of which came from one of the “experts” who were arguing above (the CNA, who wrote of needing breast reduction surgery, rather than offering concern or empathy). Only one person (not the CNA) offered to listen to the lady who expressed her desperation about her situation, and even with that offer came unsolicited advice with some well-meaning encouragement. The rest of the commenters offered diet tips and medical advice, even though no one even knew her personally, and it did not appear that any were actual healthcare professionals beyond being a CNA. Unsolicited advice is almost always uniformly unhelpful.
I didn’t even read all of the comments on this cartoon. I was led to the conclusion that asking for healthcare is a crapshoot. It made me wonder what the point of it all is. We’re all going to die sometime, anyway. And if you have the choice between being lectured, shamed, belittled, and discounted and then PAYING for that treatment, when you are certainly going to die at some point, anyway, and just getting on with life for as long as possible, free of charge, albeit in pain– well, I can certainly see why some people avoid going to doctors.
I just think it would be so much better if people would just be kinder and more empathic, and less focused on trying to show everyone how “smart” they are in comment sections on social media. I don’t know the woman who posted about wanting to end it all, but I’ll bet there are people in her life who love her and would miss her if she died. I’m sure they want her to live and thrive. I’m sure she’d rather live and thrive, too. What she needs is actual help from people who care about her welfare, not more discounting, and arrogant comments about how she just needs to lose weight– with absolutely NO real help with how to accomplish that end.
Well, this post is way too long, and I’ve got other stuff to do. So I’m going to end here, until tomorrow. Hope you have a nice Thursday.
Apologies in advance for this post, because it may be upsetting to some readers. I don’t mean to upset people. This post is meant more of a reminder to be considerate.
Earlier this year, I found out that some people take what I write much more seriously than I ever realized. It was funny how it happened, too. This person reacted inappropriately to one of my posts. I shared a viral photo of someone and she said I looked “great”, mistaking me for the person in the picture. I probably should have just laughed it off. That’s the (unsolicited) advice people usually give me in such cases. Unsolicited advice also tends to piss me off. 😉
I ended up venting about that incident in this blog. My former Facebook friend (also a relative by marriage), who had been so complimentary of a picture that wasn’t of me, read the post, got offended about my vent, and blocked me. It’s not a big deal. I don’t miss her, since she pretty much proved to me that she’s not a real friend, anyway. What I feel is more disappointment than anything else.
What puzzled and upset me most about that exchange is that it started out perfectly innocently. With no malice whatsoever, I shared something I liked, and thought was important. My former friend reacted inappropriately and mistook the person in the photo for me. Instead of excusing herself, she just “laughed” it off… which made me feel belittled and disrespected. After a lifetime of that kind of thoughtless treatment from so-called loved ones, I got kind of mad about it, so I processed the disrespect by writing about it my blog. I naively figured that was better than telling her off on Facebook. She read my post; and the next thing I know, I’m an even bigger asshole to her. Oh well. I guess our family reunions will be more awkward from now on. 😉
At the risk of sounding like an asshole again, I’m going to write a similar post today. Once again, I’m feeling kind of disrespected and need to unpack it this blog. If you see yourself in today’s post and feel offended, please know that I do feel your pain. But I’m writing this because I was offended, and my feelings count, too. This is just my way of processing stuff. It helps keep me sane. The alternative is me either bottling up my feelings or ripping someone a new asshole in a more public setting. So I’m warning you now… don’t keep reading unless you can handle the truth.
Still with me? Okay… here goes.
A few months ago, a college friend of mine was in a really terrible car accident. She was very badly hurt. Her mom and a cousin posted a little bit about the wreck when it happened, but they never really followed up on my friend’s progress after that. They kind of left us hanging about her well-being. I kept checking my friend’s Facebook page over the summer, wondering how she was doing, but there was never an update.
Yesterday, two of my friend’s family members shared a crowdfunding post on her behalf. With their post, they included a rather disturbing picture of her right after the accident, which I’m sure was shared as a way of provoking shock, sympathy, and emotion. Personally, I’m not a big fan of taking photos of unconscious, intubated people who are hospitalized in intensive care units, and then sharing them publicly. But, under the circumstances, I guess I can understand why my friend’s family did it that way. They really need financial help, hence the GoFundMe post. A dramatic photo of someone who is grievously injured, hospitalized, and on the brink of death, is much more effective for fundraising, than a photo of someone who is conscious, somewhat healed, dressed, and sitting in a wheelchair.
I decided to donate some money. I know that people who are dealing with medical crises need financial assistance, and at this point in my life, I’m in a position to help. There was a time in my life when I had no money and people helped me. This is my way of paying it forward, and I do it with Bill’s blessing.
Although it kind of made me cringe to do so (mainly because of the scary, dramatic photo), I also shared the GoFundMe post on my Facebook page, because my college friend and I have mutual friends who might also want to help her. I know sometimes people stop following other people on social media, but still think of them as friends. It’s happened to me a few times. 😉 Maybe some of our mutual friends still follow me, but don’t follow her anymore. That’s probably unlikely, though, since she has never been a particularly frequent poster on Facebook and probably annoys people less often than I do.
Minutes after I posted the GoFundMe, I got an “angry” emoji reaction from someone who doesn’t even know my friend. This person didn’t explain why they were angry, so I was left to wonder about it. Were they angry at my friend’s family for asking for money? Is it because her insurance has run out and she’s being “kicked out” of the rehab hospital? Were they angry because she got t-boned by a 19 year old who broadsided her? Or were they angry at me for sharing the post and messing up their feed? I really don’t know, because they never explained.
I asked what was wrong. I didn’t get a timely response, so I deleted the post. Or, at least I thought I deleted the post. Then I made a new post, this time with a little more information about my friend.
Later, I got another “angry” emoji on that post. It was someone else who doesn’t know my friend, but works in the healthcare field. This person decided to leave a rant about how “greedy” rehab hospitals are, and how they can’t just kick her out if she has nowhere to go. That may be the truth, and as someone with a background in social work and public health, I certainly do know there are people who are trained to assist in these situations. But that post wasn’t the place for her rant.
I was also irritated that she had left an angry reaction on a post I thought I’d deleted and reposted, as a means of getting rid of the first angry reaction. But looking at it more closely, I realized that she had commented on the first post, which evidently wasn’t deleted after all. So now there were two inappropriate angry emojis. I started to respond to the rant, but then decided to try to delete the post again.
Imagine my unpleasant surprise this morning, when I woke up to two more angry reactions on the first post, which I thought I had deleted but clearly it hadn’t disappeared from my timeline. One person left a comment that I didn’t read, because I was further pissed that–
1. People were not keeping in the spirit of the post, which was simply asking for help for someone who really needs it.
2. There were a bunch of aggressive orange emojis staring back at me, when all I was doing was trying to help a friend… someone I actually know offline.
3. Twice, I had tried to delete the post, but people were still inappropriately responding to it.
Meanwhile, the new post I put up, edited with a request not to leave rants about the healthcare system, went completely ignored. I wondered if anyone could even see it. In fact, I just took it down, because I don’t like looking at that frightening photo of my friend, and I can see that other people have donated. I don’t want to feel angry today, especially while looking at people’s orange emojis on a post that was meant to do something good for someone else.
I wish Facebook would allow people to disable things like reaction emojis, comments, and gifs on serious posts. Far too many people are careless, situationally unaware, or just enjoy being trolls. Then they leave reactions that cause negative reactions in me. And, while I totally agree that the healthcare system sucks, and my old friend shouldn’t be threatened with being “kicked out” of rehab due to losing her insurance coverage, that post was NOT the place for a soapbox rant.
I should also mention that I’m not aware of the specifics of her case or the local laws where she is, nor do I know what type of facility she’s in. As I mentioned before, her family wasn’t very forthcoming with information in the weeks that followed the accident, not that it was anyone else’s business. But, because I don’t know the specifics, I can’t really speak to whether or not what the rehab hospital is allegedly doing is “legal” or standard.
However, I DO know, from being a social worker with a health administration background, that people in my friend’s situation pretty much always need financial support, regardless of what kind of insurance coverage they have, or what the official “rules” are. And that was the spirit I had when I initially shared the post for people who know and care about her.
If you can’t or aren’t interested in helping, just keep scrolling. It’s not that difficult. Leaving inappropriate angry reactions and rants isn’t useful to anyone. And leaving the first angry reaction is basically an invitation to other people to follow your lead, which is obviously what happened in this case.
I don’t want to tell people what to do… and God knows, I don’t want to tell anyone to “refrain” (hate that word) from doing anything. But I do wish people would be more thoughtful and considerate, and not make things about themselves. I’d love it if Facebook would let us just share things without allowing reactions or comments, so this kind of thing doesn’t happen.
On a side note… I noticed that my friend and her family members are folks who wholeheartedly support(ed) the orange overlord who is about to be booked in Fulton County Jail this week. I wonder if this situation might help them realize that everyone needs access to affordable healthcare, and that asking your friends and loved ones to send financial support is kind of akin to taking welfare– only instead of applying for government assistance, you’re playing on people’s emotions and hoping they’ll be kind and open their hearts and wallets.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind helping my friends when I can. But we all need access to healthcare that doesn’t break people financially and put their loved ones’ livelihoods in jeopardy. It really is for the public’s good that decent, affordable healthcare be a human right. I know my friend never thought she’d be in a horrific car accident right after she took a vacation to Hawaii. Now, according to her family, she’s homeless and about to discharged from a rehab hospital she evidently still needs. That shouldn’t happen in the United States in 2o23.
So ends today’s rant. If you feel like blocking me because of it, have at it. I just hope it inspires some consideration in a few people.
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