Like many good children coming of age in the South in the 70s and 80s, I was well-acquainted with the corny hillbilly variety show, Hee Haw, from an early age. This morning, I am thinking of Kenny Rogers’ ex-wife, Marianne Gordon, who starred on that show in the 80s, as a southern belle who regaled everyone with stories about her fictitious daddy, “The Colonel”. She always started her skits off by saying, “It’s been an exasperating day.” That’s kind of how I feel today.
It started with washing the sheets… always a pain in the ass, but especially when I also wash the duvet covers. We also decided to rotate the mattress, to redistribute the lumps in the mattress. My lower back was hurting, so I wasn’t much help. Bill got it turned on his own. Then, I realized the issue probably isn’t the mattress as much as it is the feather topper. It either needs to be replaced, or we need to get used to sleeping without it. Really, we need a new mattress, but it’s not so easy to get an American king sized mattress in Germany.
Then, once I got that mess straightened out, I had to wrestle the duvet into the duvet cover, which is quite an annoying task with a king sized duvet. I managed to do it without breaking out in too much of a sweat.
I sat down to write this morning’s blog post, but then got sidetracked by my music library. A few months ago, I replaced my old computer, but not all of my music moved over on the cloud. Consequently, I’ve got some “greyed out” files on my new computer. I end up having to manually move the music by using an external drive. The files don’t always successfully make it on the external drive, so I have to do it again. It’s a hassle, but worth it to me, because I love my music collection that much. I think I spent about an hour on that today, and I’m not even done with the task. Every day, I move more files, and it seems like the job is never ending.
I finally had to quit moving files, because I was getting so frustrated. It is kind of satisfying to see the greyed out files turn black, though.
I recorded a couple of new songs yesterday. One song went off pretty much perfectly. The other one was a real pain to get right. It’s not actually as perfect as I’d like it to be, but I was determined to get it up yesterday, so I settled for less. I got a comment from someone who thought it was my equipment that caused the issue, but no… it was a psychological issue. You know how, when you try to do something and you mess up, you kind of psych yourself out when you try again? That was me when I was trying to record “All I Have”. I did it nine years ago and it turned out just about perfectly, but no one ever hits that video because it has photos instead of me on camera. Nine years ago, no one watched my channel. Now, I have more people who pay attention to it.
Oh well. Maybe I’ll try again in nine years.
Last night, I found out that a British guy I met in 2011, while on a SeaDream cruise, is going to be joining Bill and me next month on our Regent cruise. He and his wife hung out with us on that cruise and we kept in touch for awhile, but then drifted apart. Looks like we’ll be seeing each other again. What are the odds?
Actually, that kind of stuff happens to me a lot. I have a knack for running into people I either used to know, or who know people I know. Here’s an example. Back in the late 1990s, I waited tables at a nice restaurant in Williamsburg, Virginia. One day, I waited on a couple with Irish accents. I asked them where they were from, and they said they came from Belfast. I told them I had a friend from there who lived in Newtownards (a suburb). We worked at a tiny Presbyterian church camp in the summer of 1994, then we traveled through Europe with his now wife, who’d also worked at the camp. The couple said, “Was your friend’s name Chris Sheals?”
Sure enough, it was… and it turned out he was their next door neighbor. What are the odds? There are lots of restaurants in Williamsburg, and plenty of waiters. Somehow, they found their way to my section.
Another time, a friend and I crashed at a fellow Peace Corps Volunteer’s apartment in Sofia, Bulgaria for about a week. When we got back to the States, I went to the Peace Corps office in Washington, DC to do some career networking. There wasn’t an event going on, or anything. I just went there on a whim. Sure enough, I ran into that guy whose apartment we crashed in Bulgaria… he was from New York and had come to the office for the same reasons I did. Again, totally unplanned…
And, here’s a final example. In the spring of 1999, I went to the Peace Corps office in DC again, that time with a friend I knew from Peace Corps/Armenia. I had planned to meet that friend. We went into the office and ran into another person from our group, Matt Jensen. And it’s funny that I’m writing this today, because Matt died two years ago in Brooklyn, when someone ran into him and left him for dead. I’ve written about Matt before… and that was the last time I saw him, on that day in the Peace Corps office, completely by chance. Incidentally, we’re still waiting for justice regarding Matt’s death. The wheels of justice are moving way too slow.
Those are just a few examples I can think of offhand of my running into people, but it actually seems to happen to me a lot. I run into people, or find out I know someone another person knows… or I end up connecting them with someone else who has a connection. It seems to be one of my special and more memorable traits. So I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised to be bumping into someone I met years ago on another cruise… My world seems to be particularly small. 😉
Even meeting Bill was kind of like that. We met in a chat room in 1999. In 2001, before we met in person, he went to a convention in Little Rock, Arkansas… where he ran into my aunt’s brother, Ralph. Ralph was a member of the Kansas National Guard, while Bill was in the Arkansas Guard. But Bill wasn’t with the Arkansas people, because he was federalized. Ralph was in the Kansas Guard, but he lives in Virginia… Sure enough, they bumped into each other, and chatted. Later, Ralph told me he’d met my “boyfriend”. I laughed and said he wasn’t my boyfriend. We hadn’t even met in person at that point. Ralph said, “Oh, trust me, he’s your boyfriend. And don’t worry. He’s okay.”
I was nervous about meeting Bill, since we met online. Ralph also had the benefit of being a former Virginia State Trooper, which made him a pretty good judge of character. Twenty years later, you can see that Ralph was right that Bill is “okay”. And I guess he WAS my boyfriend, after all.
Well… I guess I should end this post. I am feeling calmer now, so I guess I’ll practice guitar and take Noyzi for a walk, then maybe make another video, or finish reading my freakin’ book. Later, y’all.
I haven’t had too much trauma being “socially isolated” over the past year and a half. I’ve come to realize that I find a lot of people really annoying. And, sad to say, a lot of people find ME annoying or in need of criticism, too, and have no compunction about telling me so. Sometimes, even when I’m being nice, someone feels the need to offer “constructive criticism” that I never asked for. It is annoying, but I try really hard not to be a bitch about it if I can help it. On the other hand, other people make me really appreciate my dogs. Dogs don’t feel the need to criticize others for being themselves.
Today, I was reading a post I wrote as a tribute to a person I used to know. She died in 2016. I remembered her to be a very lovely person who was always nice to me and super friendly. Below is my tribute to Naomi. It’s proof that I’m not a totally mean and cranky person all the time.
A couple of nights ago, as I was sitting all alone in my house, I remembered a woman I used to work with about thirty years ago. Her name was Naomi. We both worked in the German (Rhinefeld) section at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia. I was in high school and she was a mother and wife.
I didn’t work with Naomi directly. I worked in the ice cream shop and she worked in the deli. Naomi was what was known as a Level B supervisor. That meant she was kind of akin to the boss of the Level A supervisors. Level A supervisors were basically peons who had basic managerial powers over even bigger peons like me.
I was at the bottom of the barrel at Busch Gardens. I worked there for four summers and never once got a promotion. It was before I realized that I work best alone. I was also very depressed and anxious at that time, and I admittedly had a horrible attitude, although I was often praised for being a hard worker and very reliable.
Despite my interpersonal demons with some other supervisor types at Busch Gardens, I always liked Naomi. She was British, very friendly and kind, and always pleasant to be around. I remember I’d come into the deli to drop off my purse and such. That was where the lockers were. There we were in our ugly fake lederhosen, looking rather ridiculous, but there to “put on a show” for paying customers. She’d always say, “Hello, pretty lady!” in a cheerful tone of voice. I remember she always made me smile, especially when she described the disgusting non-dairy topping we used on all of the desserts. It was basically made of beef fat. She described it as “dead cows” on the chocolate pudding.
Naomi was fun to work with and had a good sense of humor, yet she was quite assertive. I remember one time, Naomi complained to Busch Gardens’ upper management about one of the bigwigs, an Italian guy named Frank who was verbally abusive. He’d come barging into the deli and start hurling around criticisms and insults in a way that was very upsetting to the young people working there. Naomi’s complaint got Frank sent to an anger management course.
I remember congratulating Naomi on her assertiveness and good leadership and she laughed and said, “They probably put him up in a luxury hotel and gave him an expense account.” She’s probably right, but it was still pretty cool that she had the guts to complain, and Busch Gardens management actually did something. She was a good boss, and I think, a good friend. I even remember Naomi wrote a piece for Busch Gardens’ company newsletter. It was about how her daughters had worked at Busch Gardens and she had decided to try it herself, to great success.
When I knew Naomi best, she was probably about the age I am right now. That was thirty years ago, and I learned the other night that Naomi died in October 2016 at the age of 77. She was a year younger than my mom is. I don’t know how or why Naomi died. I gathered from prowling around Facebook that she’d had some kind of medical crisis that was very serious, but didn’t initially trigger a death knell. The crisis appeared to have happened over a year before she succumbed. Whatever it was was clearly very serious. It looked like she never recovered her health.
I quit working at Busch Gardens in 1992. It was a good time for me to quit, because in my next job as the cook at a summer camp, I did get to be a supervisor of sorts… and I did get to make a lot of my own decisions and work independently. I found it a less frustrating and less annoying job. Best of all, I didn’t have to wear dirndls or fake “lederhosen” outfits of blouses with ugly suspenders sewn onto them, black tennis shoes, knee socks, or culottes that gave me constant wedgies.
I never forgot Naomi, though, or many of the other people I worked with. I did find a lot of friends at Busch Gardens, many of whom I sometimes interact with on social media.
I do have one more memory of Naomi. This one is more recent.
About twenty years ago, I was living with my parents in Gloucester, Virginia. I was suffering from clinical depression and getting treatment for it from a therapist and a psychiatrist. I also took voice lessons. I find that, for me, singing is good for relieving depression.
One day, I arrived at Eastern Virginia School for the Performing Arts (EVSPA), which is where I was taking my voice lessons. I happened to run into Naomi there. She was directing a group of young people. I overheard her talking about them doing a show. I want to say it was Godspell.
I never knew Naomi was into the theater. I was never really into the theater myself, although I’ve been known to sing show tunes, especially when I was taking lessons at EVSPA. I don’t know if Naomi remembered me, but I do remember saying hello to her. She looked much the same as she had when we’d worked together, and she was just as friendly and cool. I remember being surprised to see her, since I never knew she was an actress. I’m sure she never knew I am a musician.
I don’t know why she popped into my head the other night, but I looked up Naomi and discovered that she’d actually done a lot of good for young people in Williamsburg, Virginia. She started a theater group called Backstage Productions. It was open to all comers. I have a feeling that Naomi’s vision was tremendously important to a lot of people at a tender age, looking for something constructive they could do… a place where they’d be welcome to try something new.
I wish I’d had the chance to know Naomi beyond working with her at Busch Gardens. I’m glad I met her, though, and that her memory touched me enough to look her up a couple of days ago. I’m not happy she died, but at least she died having done something amazing for countless people, from the youngsters who were able to perform with Backstage Productions to all of the people who watched their performances. And that doesn’t even take into account people like me, who were touched by having the chance to work with her while wearing hideous fake lederhosen at Busch Gardens.
On another note, it occurs to me that the last thirty years have flown by… I probably should be more productive myself. I tried being productive on SingSnap yesterday. I decided to do some singing rather than open a bottle of wine, which is what I was somewhat tempted to do. I try not to drink when Bill isn’t home, and he’s been away all week. It’s been a sober few days, which hasn’t hurt me at all. But I do get bored and lonely… and sometimes I succumb to temptation. Drinking helps pass the time. But it also gives me dry skin, hangovers, upset stomach, depression and anxiety.
Last night, I didn’t succumb to the temptation to open a bottle of wine, but I was feeling a little self-conscious because I can easily hear people outside my window. I’m sure they can hear me, too, and wonder what the hell is going on in my house. I can pull down the Rolladen, which gives me the illusion of more privacy, but I know the sound still escapes.
I did a few songs, including a religious one. I’m not a very religious person myself, but I like the song “His Eye Is On The Sparrow” (even if this particular arrangement is a tad schmaltzy). So I decided to do it last night… Of course, someone felt the need to offer me unsolicited tips about my “bravado” (vibrato?), which I will admit, kind of annoyed me. It’s karaoke, not American Idol. Besides, while my efforts may not have been perfect– and they never are– they’re just fine for my purposes. The better person in me realizes that the commenter probably meant well… and maybe thought she was being helpful.
But anyway… I dedicate this to Naomi. I have a feeling she’d be encouraging and kind about it. I don’t know what happens after a person dies… maybe her soul can hear these things. At least I know my soul can still connect with hers.
Above, you see I linked to a “dedication” to Naomi. I sang “His Eye Is On The Sparrow.” I had forgotten that I sang that song for Naomi, so I just clicked the link to check it out. Sure enough, I got some comments from people, which I mentioned in the original post. Most were very nice. But I also got a comment from someone who complimented me, but also wanted to play “voice teacher” on a karaoke site. She said she wanted to hear “more bravado” (vibrato?). Then she instructed me to use my diaphragm more. I suppose she meant I should “support” more with my diaphragm. I have a feeling she’s not an expert.
As I wrote in my original post, I’m sure the lady was trying to be helpful, but I must admit her comments were a bit irritating. If I had asked for advice, that would be one thing. But I hadn’t asked for any tips… and it’s just a karaoke site, anyway. She’s also making a lot of assumptions. What if I’m not someone with healthy lungs?
I’m not going to listen to the recording because, if I am honest, I don’t enjoy listening to my own stuff that much. I find myself criticizing it and wanting to redo it. But it’s entirely possible that I was emotional when I recorded that song. Or… what is more likely is that I didn’t go full out because it would have blown out the recorder. Sometimes, if I get too powerful, the sound cuts out. It’s frustrating, and after multiple redos, you just want to get on with it.
It strikes me, though, that if we were at a bar doing karaoke, I would not get a “do over”. No one would expect perfection. We would all just clap, right? But if you put up recordings on a karaoke site, you might get an unsolicited “lesson” from someone whose counsel and opinions you never sought.
So what does this have to do with today’s title? I just wanted to comment on people who are annoyed by me… and people who annoy me. I’m beginning to think that I’m just not cut out for interacting with others. Some people have the most amazing “people skills”. They are fun to be with and popular. And then there are people like me…
I was going to write a post today about an incident that occurred in the early 90s. I was in a choir and, back then, I was kind of loud and obnoxious. I wasn’t trying to annoy people, but I know I did. And some of them were not at all bashful about telling me so. I remember one guy, who had just made up a song about punching a guy for making him “feel like shit”, yelling at me because he found me “rude” and “obnoxious”. Remembering that song he made up about violence, I couldn’t help but realize it was the pot calling the kettle black.
Other times, people have criticized me for being who I am. Some have outright had the nerve to tell me to my face that I should change who I am to suit them. I remember it made me feel awful, especially since so few of those people ever took the time to get to know me. I’m actually a pretty good person most of the time.
Of course, as I’ve gotten older, I realize that I used to be more outspoken than I am now. And I am not entirely innocent, either. There have been people in my past who got on my nerves. I used to be less kind than I am now. Nowadays, I find myself not wanting to try to connect to people anymore. So many of them turn out to be disappointing… or I disappoint them in some way. I just want to be who I am. And I want to be able to sing a song on a karaoke site, dedicated to a long lost friend, without someone turning it into an unsolicited teaching moment.
The older I get, the less tolerance I have for other people’s opinions about me. I have much less patience for unsolicited advice and verbal abuse. As a matter of fact, one way to permanently get on my grudge list is through verbal abuse. I really can’t take it anymore… and so, that leads me to be kind of socially anxious. I don’t want to try to connect to people, because I feel like it will eventually lead to somewhere unpleasant for both parties.
I think age makes a lot of people set in their ways. I am no exception. I annoy people, and they annoy me… It’s a blessing that I don’t have to deal with people very much anymore. A lot of them make me sad.
I do have fond memories of Naomi, though. She was a very kind lady and, I can see, that she left quite a mark on the world. I’m sure people still miss her very much.
I wrote this post in the fall of 2018. It was “born” out of a comment I got from someone who was irritated about my tendency to “trash” my husband’s ex wife. This person, who wasn’t someone who had been reading the blog for a long time, thought I was just a bitter second wife. I’m pretty sure I know who the “anonymous” commenter was, as she had been sending me private messages about moving to Germany. In those discussions, she told me she was a “first wife” of someone. I suspect that she thought I was attacking all first wives, when I was really just commenting about my situation with Bill, and how I felt about HIS ex wife. Bill’s ex wife is a special kind of terrible. And no, I certainly don’t think ALL exes are like her, and thank GOD for that!
Anyway, the offended person left me a comment telling me how “inappropriate”, “TMI”, and “negative” she felt my blog is, and advised me to “let it go”, or keep my negative posts about Ex private. She said I came off as “bitter, petty, and snotty”. I was kind of scratching my head at those comments. Was she really expecting me to take her unsolicited advice, especially when they were delivered in an insulting way? I mean, maybe I would if she was a friend of mine, but she was a random person on the Internet who had left me a comment with the moniker “Wondering Why”.
Maybe I would have considered taking her suggestion if people were paying me to write this blog… but as it stands right now, I don’t even take tips for this space. I only recently monetized this blog as an experiment. I may decide to demonetize it, since I don’t like looking at ads any more than anyone else does. But the travel blog is monetized– so far it’s raked in a big fat $1.70. I get far fewer hits on the travel blog, so I would like to see if this blog does better, and if so, how much better.
This post from November 2018 is left “as/is”. It came in the wake of a post I had written comparing Ex to “Wile E. Coyote”. I was inspired to write the coyote post after Bill told me about things his daughter had told him about growing up with Ex and some of the really fucked up shit she did (and continues to do). My husband’s former wife is legitimately toxic and crazy, and it was upsetting to hear about things she did to her own children. So I processed those feelings by writing about them in an admittedly “negative”, “personal”, and “snarky” post comparing Ex to a feckless cartoon character whose harebrained schemes never work out for the best.
Like Wile E. Coyote, Ex usually assumes she knows better… and in fact, she often seems to think she knows all. But the end result of a lot of her big ideas usually turn out to be disastrous, and they have ripple effects that harm innocent people– even people like me, who get upset at hearing about them and write blog posts that piss off clueless readers. I get rude comments, then feel compelled to write even more. 😉 See? More ripple effects!
I should mention that at the time, I was feeling especially stressed out, because we were about to move out of our last house. I knew ex landlady drama was coming, as well as the sheer pain in the ass of moving, so my mood was definitely affected. I still think there are some pearls of wisdom in this piece. I was pretty gratified that several then regular readers left comments for “Wondering Why”, advising her to move on if she didn’t like my material. I still think that’s good advice for anyone. So here goes…
About twenty years ago, I was working as a temp at the College of William & Mary’s admissions office. While I was working there, I became friendly with an older lady named Peggy, who, like me at that time, lived in Gloucester, Virginia. As I got to know Peggy, I learned that she had a daughter who had been friends with my older sister, Sarah, when they were in high school in the early 80s.
Over the few months that I worked in the admissions office at William & Mary, Peggy and I got to know each other better. The work I was doing was pretty boring. It was mostly filing and data entry on an ancient (by 1998 standards) computer. You might be surprised by what high school seniors were sending to William & Mary in 1998. William & Mary is a very prestigious school, and it receives many applications from outstanding students around the country and the world.
I don’t know if it’s still true today, but back in the late 90s, Virginia had a law that required in state publicly funded colleges to admit a certain number of students from Virginia. That meant that gaining admittance to William & Mary as an out of state or international student was extremely difficult. Consequently, not only did the admissions office receive stellar test scores, personal essays, and transcripts from hopeful students; it also received a lot of other supporting documents, all of which needed to be filed. That’s where I came into the picture.
It was really an eye opening experience to see what people sent to the admissions office in their personal quests to become members of the “Tribe”. It was insane, and created a lot of work for temping drones like me. I noticed that most of the extra stuff did nothing but add detritus to each applicant’s folder. It was pretty rare that an extra supporting document would result in an offer of admission to someone who otherwise would have been rejected. Some of it was entertaining to look at, though.
I remember one girl’s mother sent a photocopy of her out of state nursing license and a picture of a younger version of the girl standing in front of the Wren Chapel with her family. There was a supporting document from the girl’s dad, a police officer, stating that the family planned to move to Williamsburg to support their daughter in her academic endeavors. I recall that this young lady didn’t gain acceptance to William & Mary. I hope she found a school that she liked just as much. Having been rejected by my first choices when I was a high school student, I understand how rejection feels. But then, I did manage to find a great school for my purposes, so it all turned out fine in the end.
Anyway, this story comes up in the wake of yesterday’s minor drama on this blog, in which a first time commenter advised me that I need to “let it go”, regarding my husband’s ex wife. Telling somewhat to “let it go” is kind of akin to telling them to “get over it”. Personally, I think it’s an extremely rude, dismissive, and short-sighted thing to say to another person, particularly someone you don’t know. I do understand why some people think it’s constructive advice, although frankly, I think it’s futile to tell someone they need to “let it go”. Sometimes, it’s just not possible. I came to that conclusion while I was working with Peggy. She offered an analogy that I’ve not forgotten in the twenty years since we met.
I was sitting on the floor next to a giant filing cabinet and Peggy’s cubicle. I had a huge stack of essays, drawings, certificates, test scores, and the like, that I was stuffing into manila folders dedicated to each new applicant. It was mindless work that numbed my brain as it chapped my hands. Peggy helped me pass the time by telling me about her upbringing. It turned out that, like me, she was raised by an alcoholic. However, while my dad was the alcoholic in our family, in Peggy’s case, it was her mother who drank too much. Peggy’s mother was extremely abusive to her. Consequently, Peggy grew up suffering from depression and anxiety, and she had lingering feelings of hatred for her mother. There was no love between Peggy and her mom, because Peggy’s mother had repeatedly beaten her up mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I felt sad for Peggy that she had those feelings toward her mom. I may not always love the way my own mom behaves, but I do love her very much. She was the sane parent; which isn’t to say that I didn’t love my dad. I did love him, and mostly try to remember him fondly. He did have a good side. But he was often mean and abusive to me, and those memories are hard to erase. I am now kind of “saturated” when it comes to abuse from other people. I simply can’t tolerate it.
Peggy explained that as the years passed, her depression lingered, even though in 1998, she was probably in her 60s and her mother was long dead. Peggy didn’t seem depressed to me in person. In fact, she was bright, funny, friendly, and cheerful. A lot of people have described me in the same way. More than one person has told me they think I’m “bubbly”. Some people even think I’m hilarious. In person, I joke a lot and laugh and giggle. A lot of “funny” people are like that. Humor is a way to mask depression and anxiety.
In 1998, I, too, was suffering from significant clinical depression and anxiety, and at that time, it had gotten really bad. I had actually had these issues for most of my life, but in 1998, it was especially severe. That was the year I finally decided to seek professional help, and got prescription medication for the depression that had dogged me for at least ten years. I was not under a doctor’s care when I worked at William & Mary, though. At that time, I was too poor to get help, and I had no health insurance. Also, I didn’t know I was depressed and anxious. That was the way I’d always been, only it was much worse in ’98 than it was in the preceding years. That year, I thought of suicide fairly often. I still sometimes have those fleeting thoughts, but it’s not nearly like it was in those days. I’m probably more dysthymic now than anything else.
I remember Peggy explained in detail what she’d endured during her formative years at home, when she’d had no choice but to endure her mother’s constant insults, taunts, and physical abuse. She got away from her mother as soon as she was able to and married a man with whom she was not compatible. They eventually divorced, and Peggy was left alone to raise her daughter, which was very difficult for her. At the end of her story, I remember Peggy telling me that having clinical depression is a lot like trying to function with a broken arm.
If you met a person with a broken arm, would you tell them they need to “let it go” and “get over it”? Would you assume that you know what the timeline should be for them to “heal” from a physical injury? I’m sure there are cases of people who heal from broken bones very quickly. Maybe you’ve had a broken bone and bounced back in just a couple of weeks. But does that mean that someone else can heal in that same timeframe? Maybe the other person has mitigating circumstances that make healing more difficult for them. I think it’s often the same for depression and other mental health issues. Some people heal faster than others.
I have never forgotten Peggy’s comparison of clinical depression to having a broken bone. In either case, the condition is crippling and painful, especially without treatment. I was especially clued in to how astute the comparison is when I did seek medical help in 1998. It took about three months, but I finally found an effective antidepressant that literally changed my life. When I got my brain chemicals straightened out, I was amazed at how much better and more competent I felt. It really drove home to me that depression is a real illness and not just made up bullshit in my head.
For so long, I felt so guilty about who I am. I thought there was something truly “wrong” with me. When I finally took the right medication and eventually felt the way non-depressed people feel, I realized that I didn’t have to feel guilty about being depressed. Depression was, indeed, a sickness that was beyond my control. I couldn’t will myself not to be depressed. I needed help to move beyond it. In my case, potent antidepressants and counseling from an empathetic psychologist did the trick.
Now… this does not mean that a person can’t learn techniques to combat depression, and it doesn’t give a person an excuse to be a jerk to other people. However, I did finally realize that depression is real, and it will probably always be a part of my life. Being negative, grumpy, and bitter is a part of having depression. Maybe some people don’t find that side of me pleasant and they think all they need to do is tell me to “get over it” or “let it go”. I’m sure it seems that easy to them. It’s not that easy for me. I write in this blog to process those feelings instead of acting on them in a destructive manner. In other places, I try to be less negative and bitter. Some of my readers interact with me in other places and have seen that I’m generally not as “bitchy” there as I can be here. It’s because I have a place to put most of the bitchy stuff, and that’s here in this blog.
I realize that some people don’t like me or stuff I write. Fortunately, I’ve gotten to a point at which I no longer feel the need to try to please others. I do wish I were a more likable, positive, friendly, and popular person. I have accepted that I will never be those things, and that’s okay. I don’t take antidepressants now. Maybe I will again at some time, but at this point, I’d rather not. So I write blogs and publish them, and I make music. Sometimes people like my efforts, though I think more people are either indifferent or think they can fix my problems by telling me to “let it go”. My own mother has, more than once, told me to “let it go”. I actually love my mom and I haven’t been able to take her advice. What makes you think you’ll be more successful at giving me that advice than she’s been? And why does it even matter to you if I’m “inappropriate” or share too much information? It’s not your life, is it? You don’t have to read this stuff.
I suppose I could make this blog private and I have openly suggested doing that before. However, I have had several people tell me that they enjoy reading my blog. So I leave it public for them and anyone else who understands. If you don’t understand, and you find me unpleasant, I won’t be upset if you move on to another place on the web. You’re certainly not the first one to find me unpleasant. But please don’t glibly tell me to “get over it” or “let it go”. That is a very dismissive thing to say to another person and it’s not right to discount other people’s feelings, particularly when you are a guest in their space.
As for my husband’s ex wife, I’m sure it would be amazing if I could simply “let it go” that she did her best to destroy my husband’s happiness, career, and connections to people who love him. I wish I were that mature and magnanimous. I’m not there yet, and I don’t think I will ever be there. How do you forgive someone who sexually assaulted the love of your life and then denied him access to his children while spreading vicious lies to his parents about the kind of person he is? I’m sure if it had happened to me, my husband would be equally angry. So, you’ll have to excuse me for not “letting it go” where she’s concerned. It will probably take a much longer time than I have left in life to completely get over it. But with every day, there’s fresh hope.
Special thanks to Wikipedia user David Carroll, who gave permission to use his photo, which I have not altered.
A friend of mine recently posted a photo of a local fair in her town that had just ended. There were still a couple of rides set up, but they were in the process of being dismantled so they could be moved to their next stop on the carnival circuit. I noticed one of the rides was The Zipper.
I always cringe when I see The Zipper at any rinky dink county fair. I made the mistake of riding it once, back in 1983. I was eleven years old and my dad, the adrenaline junky, had taken me to Virginia’s State Fair. I think it was the first time I ever went, although two years later, I would start showing my horse there at the state 4H horse show. Showing my horse at the fair was a whole lot more fun than just going as a visitor. Unfortunately, the 4H show is no longer done at the state fairgrounds. They have it at the Virginia Horse Center in Lexington instead.
I really enjoyed visiting the State Fair as a spectator. I loved the greasy food and campy rides. The Zipper looked like it would be fun. It was shaped kind of like an oblong ferris wheel, with cars on it that looked like apostrophes. The cars each seat two people and can spin. Riders get in the car and are held down by a lap bar and bars on the doors to hold onto. Riders must hold onto the bars or they will smash into the door. The oblong “boom” rotates as the cars spin and it’s very disorienting. My dad really enjoyed it, but I was absolutely petrified. I remember crying and screaming in terror as my dad laughed at me. He loved the ride and, perhaps, seeing me so scared out of my wits.
People have died on The Zipper. It was created in 1968 and patented in 1971, but it took a few years before they got the safety standards down. In some cases, the doors have opened while the ride was in operation and people have fallen to their deaths. Four people were killed in 1977 when the doors opened. In 2006, despite enhanced safety measures, two teenaged girls from Hinckley, Minnesota were badly hurt when their compartment door opened. The ride operator later admitted that he hadn’t property secured the door with an “R” key before starting the ride. Since Erica Matrious and Breanna Larsen survived the accident, they were able to be interviewed about what happened. Newer Zippers have an enhanced and supposedly safer door system. I still would never get on that ride again. I’m way too chicken.
I think later that summer, my parents took me to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia. Years later, I would work there, but as a kid, I’d go just for overpriced fun. Somehow, we talked my mom into getting on the Battering Ram. I wasn’t all that scared of the Battering Ram. It was basically like a big swing. My mom, however, hated it. I was surprised she hated it, since it really didn’t seem that bad to me. Now that I’m older, I get it. Bill hates rides, too, which is one reason why I don’t get to visit amusement parks anymore.
A couple of weeks ago, I called my mom and we talked about our memories of my dad getting us on rides that scared us shitless. My dad was a classic adrenaline junky. He loved doing dangerous things. One time, he and my mom went to Colorado to go white water rafting. I don’t know how he managed to talk her into getting in a raft. She did it and said she was glad she did… although she never wanted to do it again. Mom says she doesn’t even like riding a porch swing. But my dad… well, he was the exact opposite.
The tour guides for the Colorado rafting company told their group that there was a cliff available for jumping off of. They would take a picture. And if anyone in the group wanted to take the plunge, the guide would also do it. Well… my dad was the only one in the group who raised his hand. My mom said she thought he regretted taking the leap. He might have even been a bit hurt by it physically. However, we do have a hilarious photo of him in mid air with a definite WTF look on his face.
I’ve noticed a lot of the men in our family are adrenaline junkies. They love to take physical risks. I can’t say I share that propensity to take risks. I will take a risk if I must, but I don’t do it for sheer pleasure. I am aware of the things that can go wrong and that makes me hesitate before taking action. Even “fun” carnival rides can lead to life changing tragedies. I’ve read of too many people being killed or disabled due to someone else’s negligence. I have enough aches and pains.
I think the rides over here in Europe are scarier than what I used to see growing up in the States, although I once had a very scary experience on Da Vinci’s Cradle at Busch Gardens in Virginia. Back when the ride was first opened, the only restraints they used was a lap bar. At that time, I was still pretty small. I got on the ride and as it became more “thrilling”, I slipped under the bar. I remember holding on for dear life as the ride continued. Fortunately, I was strong enough to hang on until the ride stopped. Today, I would never have that problem. Not only am I too big to slide under the bar, I’m also less interested in getting on the rides. Life is “thrilling” enough as it is.
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