Actually, I have a lot to say, but I am feeling stifled, anxious, and paranoid right now. So instead of writing what’s on my mind, I’m going to think about where I’d rather be…
I’d like to be on a deserted beach right now, basking in the sun, as long as I was wearing plenty of sunscreen. I am lily white and burn easily.
I’d like to be in a mountain cabin of my very own, gazing at the trees and the vistas in the distance, hoping that no one drives a moped over the side of a cliff.
I’d like to be sitting on the back of a draft horse, carrying me through a peaceful forest in the springtime, watching the trees turn green and the flowers blossom.
I’d like to be among real friends, human or animal, who simply enjoy my company and accept me for who I am.
I’d like to be off the Internet, actually… I’m sorry I ever shared my thoughts and feelings with anyone. I feel violated, insecure, and angry… like I’m the crazy one, even though I know I’m not.
I truly hate it when there’s conflict. It’s a relic from my past. I dread the idea of engaging in battles with other people. I prefer to simply vent my spleen and move on. I have spent too much time fighting with other people– people I actually love and value relationships with. Part of me would really just like to plan a vacation.
And yet… I feel like letting this go and not saying or doing something is a license for the egregious abuse to continue.
I worry that my words will be used against me, even though I know I’ve been truthful.
But most of all… I feel like I simply need to be away from people, with the exception of Bill, who is always welcome in my sphere.