We are now in Dresden for the final part of our trip. We got here yesterday, in the late afternoon. I was a bit cranky last night after the drive, and realizing that the hotel wasn’t exactly how I remembered it. But, after a night of “sleep”, I’m feeling somewhat better about things. This is the point in the trip at which things are winding down, and I’m feeling less like going out and seeing everything. I find myself wanting to reflect more.

I woke up at about 2:00 AM this morning. I needed to visit the bathroom. When I got back in bed, I had a hard time falling asleep. I went on Facebook, where I ran across a post by the blogger, The Abby Eckel. Abby showed up on my Facebook feed some time ago. I didn’t mean to follow her, but I have to admit, sometimes she posts things that resonate with me. I’m not the only one. I’ve watched her presence grow over the past year or so.

Abby’s posts are usually about the experience of being a woman in today’s times. I wasn’t around in the 1960s, but I do remember hearing many stories about women’s liberation and the revolution pushing equal rights from that era. It feels like we’re going through a similar revolution now, as crusty old farts like Donald Trump (a true 20th century relic, if I ever saw one) desperately try to take our country back 100 years.

Every day, Trump says or does something more outrageous, scandalous, and ridiculous. His actions have caused a lot of his followers to stop supporting him. Some, however, doggedly hang on, refusing to admit that they were wrong to support him.

Some people really get off on Trump, and his refusal to act like a law abiding human being. It’s like he’s their hero. After all, if Trump can act like a huge dickhead and get away with it, why shouldn’t some other random dude with a big ego and a bad attitude? I’m sure that some guys who idolize Trump imagine that he’d be friends with them. I know… and you probably also know… Trump would not deign to give those guys the time of day!

So, we’re now at a time when women like Abby Eckel are speaking out about what it’s like to be female. People used to use the #metoo hashtag. Now they’re using #Jane Doe, in solidarity with the woman who was allegedly drugged and raped by seven men at Cornell University. Those guys– obviously very privileged and cowardly– are upset that Letitia James, New York’s tough Attorney General, is going to be prosecuting them.

Abby Eckel’s provocative social media posts that really excite women. Or, perhaps they trigger women into speaking up about what men, and society as a whole, expect of us. Sometimes, the revelations are offensive or upsetting. Perhaps they inspire guilt or shame. And then some men feel like they have to respond with comments like this one:

Jamie seems sincere. He’s asking Abby what her “goal” is by putting out this stuff that gets everybody upset and excited. He reasons that there are “just as many asshole women as there are asshole men.” He claims Abby’s posts cause “division”, and promote a “lack of accountability.” I’m sure, in his mind, we’re all “equal”. Maybe he even really thinks women’s lib and feminism have given women the same opportunities as men. He might even feel horrified when women write or say that they would “choose the bear” over a man.

Some of the women’s comments were pretty hostile to Jamie. Abby’s response was fairly reasonable. Below is what she wrote:

Jamie here wants to know – what’s my end goal exactly? Empowering women or creating division?

let’s get into it.

My end goal is accuracy and helping women – always has been. And I do this by naming patterns and giving women language to the things they’ve experienced but never had the words and terms to describe.

Are there jerks in every gender, of course, don’t be ridiculous. Nobody’s perfect, me included.

But ‘both sides’ implies the two sides are equal, and historically they haven’t been. Like literally ever.

For most of recorded history, men held the legal, financial, and political power.

Women couldn’t own property, open a bank account, or vote. Violence against women was tolerated, and in some places it was legal.

And it’s currently becoming more and more common with the rise of familicide committed by men. As well as the fact that a woman is killed by her intimate partner or a man she knows every 10 minutes.

That’s not me spreading division, that’s me sharing factually accurate information that is well documented.

The systems that kill, oppress and subjugate women are still very much alive and well.

They’ve shaped how our homes, workplaces, and expectations are built.

So when a woman is a jerk, that’s one person’s behavior. When a pattern shows up across millions of homes, marriages, and interactions, that’s a system.

They’re not the same thing, and treating them as equal is how we avoid talking about the system and how men have historically tries to silence women,.

Naming that isn’t division and that’s where most men get hung up. The division has always been there. I’m just shedding light on it.

Jamie’s comment about ‘nobody’s perfect’ is the exact line that ends the conversation before anything even gets brought up let alone fixed. It is a deflection and an attempt to silence women. ��If a woman says ‘I’m carrying the whole mental load and I’m exhausted,’ the answer isn’t ‘well, everyone has flaws.’ That isn’t accountability. That’s an attempt at being contrarian.

The patterns are real and they’re well-documented. And women continuing to share their experiences – even if you don’t like them – are further proof that my content is resonating with my intended audience.

So my end goal is women who see clearly, where they have the language to understand what they’re experiencing and teaching them that behavior patterns exist and most of them aren’t normal.

Again, you might not like what I share, but I’d just rather share what’s true than what’s comfortable

I tend to be pretty sympathetic to men, mainly because I am married to a really good one. He was victimized by one of those “asshole women” Jamie wrote of. He’s not wrong to point out that sometimes women are assholes, too. Some women are egregiously bad, to the point of doing to men what some men do to women.

My very kind husband is someone who has experienced that kind of abuse, and actually bears scars in private parts of his body that resulted from an unusually violent encounter with his ex wife. When he visits doctors, and they examine that part of his body, there are often questions. He feels shame and humiliation. He brushes off their questions, or even lies, because telling the truth about what happened to him at her hands is too embarrassing. I know there are truly wicked women out there, and I empathize with men who have been abused by them.

I can also understand why “good” men feel attacked when women write or talk about these things. It makes them feel icky. Maybe they feel powerless to change things. Perhaps, if they’re like my husband is– kind, gentle, and easygoing– they don’t feel like they can stand up to some loudmouthed blowhard like Trump, or his reptilian ilk. 🙄 So, when women put out content that addresses men as a whole, when they know they’re “not like that”, they feel attacked. It’s like they can’t win for losing. They wish the conversations about “asshole men” would stop, so they can stop feeling guilt and shame over what those other guys do.

This morning over breakfast, I was thinking about Abby’s post, and the responses to it. Those types of posts sometimes do attract comments from guys like Jamie. Some of them are truly sincere. Others are being disingenuous in their questions, and try to get the upper hand through mansplaining, and trying to act like they’re more reasonable than the “hysterical” women. 🙄 I find that the ones who engage in mansplaining are usually not interested in solving problems. They just want to get the women back under control. Most of all, they want them to shut up. 🤐

But women need to be able to talk about things that affect us. We need to be able to discuss problems and figure out ways to fix them. We aren’t meant to be silenced. We are every bit as important as men are in this world. In fact, we’re half of humanity. Every single person on the planet owes their lives to a woman. Aren’t we getting tired of the battle of the sexes yet? Why can’t we all just recognize each other’s important contributions?

Why do people get so threatened when someone honestly talks or writes about their uncomfortable experiences? Perfection is a very rare thing in the world. What’s wrong with discussing things that are problematic? Isn’t that how we recognize and resolve problems?

When Bill’s daughters were still minors, and neither had contact with us, I was very much engaged with the Recovery from Mormonism group. I don’t hang out in that part of the Internet anymore. But, at the time, I felt like Bill and I had a home there, because Bill was an ex Mormon, and his ex wife had used the church against him, in her campaign to alienate him from his daughters. When they were children, the church was very useful in getting them to separate from Bill.

I was angry about Ex’s use of the church. I wrote about it a lot, and even tried to discuss it on a different online forum I was in that was dedicated to stepmothers and second (or subsequent) wives. Another woman who participated on that forum always objected when I wrote about the LDS church. She was LDS herself, and she felt personally affronted when I called out church policies that promoted parental alienation. She didn’t want to look at the problematic policies that had affected Bill in his divorce from Ex, who was at that time, still pretending to be Mormon. They made her feel “icky”.

The LDS woman in that forum, who used to brag about being related to Mitt Romney by marriage 🫩, would get upset when I wrote facts about the LDS church that were less than flattering. Having never met me in person, she deemed me “unhealthy” and “obsessed”. Although some of the women on the messageboard understood my views, others sided with the LDS woman, who felt attacked and offended by my frank discussion of things Ex did to use the church in her campaign against Bill. She made our church related situation about her, when it wasn’t about her. It was about the system.

She framed me as a “bigot” who “hates Mormons”, when actually, I was trying to address some of the church’s policies and members’ actions against former members. I have NEVER hated Mormons. I married one. But the LDS church has a lot of issues that I think warrant discussion. That should be allowed, in my opinion, especially in a forum about divorce and stepparenting. Church teachings can become real problems, especially for ex members and non members.

Ex Mormons know of what I was writing. Current Mormons don’t want to talk about it. They claim we are “ill-informed”,”ignorant”, “confused”, “bigoted” or “malicious”. Some say we don’t understand their sacred ways. 🙄 Or we just want to “blame the church”, which they claim is “perfect”, even if the people aren’t, for our sins and personal problems.

Well… isn’t that a cute, neat, and tidy way of shutting people up? Reminding everyone that their manmade religion is “perfect”, as we acknowledge that the people within it (who also made up the church) are not perfect. What a load of horseshit. 😩

I know it sounds like I’m picking on the LDS church. And I am, I guess… I do want to make it clear, though, that it’s not just the Mormons who do this kind of shit. This is the kind of thing that happens in just about every tribe. When people leave the tribe, and dare to speak or write about their experiences, it causes trouble. It’s especially egregious in a demanding and controlling group like the LDS Church. The people within the church are usually pretty sensitive and intelligent. They know, on some level, there are issues. But they don’t want to talk about them, especially with an outsider. It makes them feel icky.

People don’t like it when the uncomfortable “icky” stuff is exposed. They don’t like feeling seen. So they’ll do what they can to get people to shut up about it. They might miss the point, either consciously or unconsciously. They might shoot the messenger, or demand that they shut up. Maybe they’ll do it somewhat politely, like Jamie did. Or they’ll be a lot ruder about it, like Trump does.

Anyway… this is just something on my mind today, as our vacation winds down. I wish people were less threatened by opinions and honest conversations. We should be freer to be honest about things that cause problems. I do sympathize with Jamie’s position, if he’s being sincere. I know there are good men out there, and it makes them feel bad when women get their feelings out in ways that feel hostile. But those hostile feelings come from being hurt.

Just as Bill and I felt hurt when Ex used the LDS church to alienate Bill’s daughters (although in fairness, she’d use ANYTHING to do that), it hurts men when they think women hate them for things other guys do. We should ALL be allowed to talk about it, though, without being ridiculed, shamed, mansplained, or encouraged to shut up. That’s the only way things will ever get better for ALL of us. Talking or writing about difficult things doesn’t make someone “sick”, “obsessed”, “confused”, or “hateful”. And it’s always a choice to engage, in any case.

I hope you enjoy your Sunday!